World War Hulk

Hey comics people! If any of you still read this! I have a question for you.

As I may have mentioned here once or twice, I've all but given up on a weekly comics fix. But I still buy the random graphic novel here and there because, even if I can't support a weekly habit, I will always have a love for the dang things. (No matter how many times I get hurt by the many, many awful comics out there.)

One of the last comics collections I picked up before nearly completely swearing off comics for over a year was Planet Hulk, the massive hardback collection of the Hulk-in-space storyline by Greg Pak.

I found Planet Hulk to be tremendously entertaining and well-written, easily the best Hulk storyline since Peter David was in charge. So naturally I was greatly interested in the immediate follow-up to the story, World War Hulk. However, as I believe I've already mentioned, I'm not into the whole weekly comics-buying thing anymore. So I decided to wait until the story was over, and the trades came out.

Well, the trades are out now, and I need advice from you comics readers. What should I read? Because there are a lot of tie-ins. A lot. Obviously, I need to get the main book, World War Hulk. But how essential are any of the tangential collections?

I might be best off if I limit myself to the tie-ins authored by Pak. Like, say, Incredible Hercules (which I'm not entirely sure is a tie-in, or rather more of a sequel). But what about:

World War Hulk: Frontline
World War Hulk: Gamma Corps
World War Hulk: X-Men
World War Hulk: Aftersmash

I can probably answer the question, "Are any of these necessary to my enjoyment of the main story?" on my own: no. Absolutely not. Tie-ins are never essential. But are any of them worthwhile? Are any of them actually good? I love the Hulk. And I would love to read good writers creating good stories involving the Hulk. Greg Pak writes a darn fine Hulk. What about those other series?

And what about the tie-ins to other series not specifically created for this event:

Avengers: The Initiative
Ghost Rider
Heroes For Hire
Iron Man
Irredeemable Ant-Man
The Punisher War Journal

Anything worth picking up there? Or any other titles I might be overlooking? For example, I left out the She-Hulk tie-in (which, now that I think about it, may actually have been a tie-in to Planet Hulk rather than WWH) because I'm already a fan of Dan Slott's work on that book, and I'll be picking it up eventually regardless of its crossover relevance. Want to recommend anything else on (or off) that list?

Also, check me if I'm wrong here, but as I understand it, Greg Pak has quit writing the Hulk now, and instead it's Jeph Loeb who is writing about a red Hulk. I don't need any advice on that one: skip it! Jeph Loeb stinks.

Help me out here, folks! Give me a little advice. Who knows, maybe this will help me get back into comics full-time, the way Peter David and Todd McFarlane's run on The Incredible Hulk did for me way back in college (which was, holy cow, 20 full years ago!).

COMICS: Wed 1/5/05

Superman: Strength: Really like the story, really don't like the art. I especially like that Pa Kent isn't portrayed as the shining beacon of pure goodness that he usually is. He's still good... but he's only human. I liked that the criminals actually had a well-conceived plan to handle Superman, and even got the drop on him face-to-face. I mean, Superman's head is in a fishbowl! You can't beat that. This book is crazy fun. But the art.... You know, it's funny, at one point I was thinking the art looked closer to an old Mad magazine parody of Superman than to a serious comic Superman -- and then one of the characters said "fershlugginer". Maybe the Mad-looking art was intentional! Potrzebie!

Incredible Hulk: Man oh man, am I glad Peter David is back. Since I gave up on Bruce Jones' run on the book a long time ago, I'm not sure if David is picking up where Jones left off, or just ignoring his run entirely. (I'd prefer the latter.) Interesting new ability (or mutation) for the Hulk -- rather than holding his breath to stay underwater for extended periods, he can actually breathe underwater now (though it isn't pretty how). And the Hulk seems even more savage than usual. I felt a little adrift with this first issue; no idea why, or how, the Hulk is where he is, if this is following up from the previous issue or a fresh start. But I'm hooked, that's for sure.

New Avengers: Who the hell is Sentry? Seriously, this is a character I should have heard of before? Okay, if you say so. Things are a little darker here than I'd expected; was the close-up of Spider-Man's arm snapping strictly necessary? Man, lately everybody wants to take the fun out of Spider-Man. It's bumming me out, dude!

Jubilee: I'm trying to come to terms with my shame for really liking this book. And Dorian isn't helping any! At the comic shop this week, he took delight in calling loudly across the room, "Hey, Tom, the new issue of Jubilee is in!" Yeah, thanks, pal. Well, you know what? It was another good issue! So there! As opposed to New Avengers, this book stands with She-Hulk and Fantastic Four as about the only Marvel titles trying to keep the grim & gritty from taking over completely.

There's always one comic I forget. I know I got five comics this week. I didn't get Brubaker's second issue of Captain America, or Kirkman's Fantastic Four: Foes, although I had both of them in my hand at one point... I liked the first issue of Captain America, and the FF:F book looked all right, but I think I'll wait for the trades on both those titles. (Take that, comics industry!)

Oh! I know. Flaming Carrot Comics. Mike is clearly a big fan; in the store, he gleefully pointed out the new issue to me. So I thought I'd give it a try. About my only previous exposure to this character was through his appearance in Cerebus a million years ago. I think I paged through some of the regular Carrot comics back then, and didn't care for them. Too weird, didn't like the art. I did like this issue, but Burden's art hasn't improved a great deal since then; a lot of it really looks rough, especially the women characters. But I enjoyed the insanity I found so off-putting years ago. The Flaming Carrot is basically a madman, spouting non sequiturs while assaulting his enemies with a baloney gun. Funny stuff. I laughed a number of times, enough to get me past some of the weaknesses in the book.

You Know What I Like? Me.

Sorry I haven't updated for a while. In the past few days, I've broken my foot, and my car has died. 2005 is not winning me over just yet.

Today I present my last Top Ten of 2004 list. And I thought, since all Top Ten lists are inherently egocentric and self-promotional, for my final list I would give you the ultimate masturbatory indulgence:

Tom the Dog's Top Ten Posts of 2004!

HA! I rule! Yes, here are the ten entries since TTDYKWIL? opened in June of last year that I thought were the most significant, the funniest, the best written, the most unfairly overlooked, or in some other way struck my fancy. It is a paean to the wonder of me! My name is Tom the Dog, King of Kings! Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!

In chronological order:

1. MOVIES: I'm a good walker, bro. June 28, 2004
   
   My third entry (way back when I was still watching my language; by the way: fuck), my first proper review, and the first and last time I actually used the term "You know what I like?" in one of my posts. I had originally planned on that being a recurring phrase. Guess not.
   
   It's a review of The Station Agent, a wonderful but little seen film that I hope I can get more people to see with this new link. Back when it originally posted, my daily hits were in the high single digits. Now they're in the low triple digits. Yeah, I know, whoopity-doo, but maybe some of you folks who weren't around at the start will now rent the DVD because of this, and that would make me very happy.



2. TV: What about Grape Ape? July 20, 2004
   
   This post, which only kind of almost references Grape Ape in the final paragraph, was the first one which got me some attention via unexpected linkage. It's a pretty funny (if I say so myself, and clearly, I have no problem doing just that) rant about various video music channels, and their infuriating failure to show videos:
   
   

   And, if you've only seen music videos on TRL, here's the kicker -- actual music videos last the ENTIRE LENGTH of a song, and are NOT OBSCURED by fawning text messages from sub-literate dipshits with computer access in their detention facilities, and are ENTIRELY FREE of screaming idiots in Times Square superimposed over the screen!

   as well as a rave for the so, so beautiful VH1 Classic.



3. COMMERCIALS: At least they didn't drag the Pope into it July 24, 2004
   
   Fred Hembeck just posted about classic cartoons being used in TV ads, and wondered if we would soon see "Yogi Bear scampering off into the woods with a roll of Charmin". Well, it wasn't Yogi, but Charmin actually did produce a truly repellent commercial which featured an animated bear shitting in the woods. I rip on said commercial in this post:
   
   

   ...not only will I never buy Charmin, but I think I now actually hate my body and its natural functions a little bit. Thanks, Charmin! Thank you and your defecating cartoon bear!



4. COMICS: Hulk is coolest one there is! August 4, 2004
   
   Ha! I lied to you! I used the phrase "You know what I like?" in this post, too. (My mistake.) In this post I profess my love for ol' Jade Jaws:
   
   

   The Hulk just wanted to kick back in the forest, away from all the puny humans, feed grass to an innocent deer who didn't know to be afraid of the green monster, compose some haikus, I don't know -- and then some dumbass supervillain would always come along and drop a building on the Hulk's head. And so the Hulk would have no choice but to GRRRAAAARRRRRR HULK SMASH!! and whale the holy living shit out of the bad guy.



5. My Herculean Olympics coverage: Part 1 August 18, 2004; Part 2 and Part 3 August 19, 2004; Part 4 August 20, 2004; Part 5 August 23, 2004; Part 6 August 29, 2004
   
   I'm extremely happy with my writing on the Olympics, #1) because it's the most I've written about any one subject, and I think it's pretty well-rounded and entertaining, #2) because I didn't see any other blog doing anything like it, and #3) this is where the running gag about Misty May's ass began. To this day I still get near-daily hits from search engine requests for "Misty May's ass".
   
   Did I mention Misty May's ass?



6. My titanic Emmys coverage: Part 1 and Part 2 September 19, 2004
   
   My first minute-by-minute recapping for this blog; an insanely detailed look at the 2004 Emmys, from the red carpet to the final award. I really love doing this kind of thing, even if very few of you people seem to share my enjoyment. You can expect the same for the Oscars this year. I'd do it for the Grammys and the Tonys too, if my threshold for pain were much much higher.



7. MUSIC: I Get A Kick Out Of... October 12, 2004; MUSIC: Somebody better put you back into your place October 13, 2004
   
   A couple lists of various little things I enjoy about a number of different songs, from John Lennon's singing "Don't you know that you can count me out... in" on "Revolution" and Freddie Mercury's odd pronunciation of "Marie Antoinette" on "Killer Queen".
   
   
8. Nerd Heaven November 29, 2004
   
   My account of the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek Experience, the nerdiest place on Earth. And of getting really, really drunk.
   
   

   When the door closed on the shuttle pod, Scoot began poking all the fake buttons on the wall next to him, prompting one of the employees spying on us to announce over the intercom that we shouldn't bother touching the console controls, because they were DNA-encoded to respond only to Enterprise crewmembers. We loved that. Neeerrrrrrd Heaven.

   
   
9. MUSIC: Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs December 2, 2004
   
   One of the highest comment-counts ever for one of my posts. Clearly, I like ripping on "Best of" lists as much as I like making them, and so do you folks.



10. I don't get it December 8, 2004
    
    And finally, the post which I believe has garnered the most comments ever in the short history of my site. It's a list of overwhelmingly popular things, like Radiohead, or My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that I'm not a fan of myself. In fact, I think they stink. So there.

Thank you to all of you who visited my little blog in 2004. And here's to much more pop culture goodness in 2005!

COMICS: Top Ten

Well, maybe it's not a top ten list, so much as some of my favorite things about comics loosely grouped together.

BEST SINGLE ISSUE

You think I'm going to say Eightball #23, don't you? Everybody says Eightball #23. Well, as you know if you read my original review, I liked it just fine, I really liked it, in fact, but it didn't own my world. That distinction belongs to Street Angel #2. Possibly the single funniest comic I have ever read, bursting with insanely inventive characters and situations and rich and clever dialogue, with humor both subtle and slapstick, I simply loved every inch of this book. (Caveat: I'm not even 100% sure it was released during 2004; maybe it was late 2003. But 2004 is when I first read it. So there.)

Honorable Mentions: Yes, yes, Eightball #23. You happy? Also, New Frontier #5. That was the issue that finally got me into the series. After waiting four issues to click into what everyone else was raving about, issue #5 blew my socks off. It was the best mainstream, superhero-type single issue of the year (is that enough qualifiers?).

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FAVORITE WRITER

At the beginning of the year, I might've said Robert Kirkman or Brian Bendis. But some lackluster extracurricular projects (Kirkman's 2099 and Captain America and Bendis' Avengers Disassembled) kind of took the shine off both those apples. Now, I think there's no question it's Brian K. Vaughan, whose Y: The Last Man has long been my favorite continuing series, whose Runaways was entertaining if light, and whose new Ex Machina is tremendous, funny and controversial and creepy and original.

Honorable Mention: James Kochalka, whose American Elf is the best graphic novel of the year (or TPB, or whatever the hell you want to classify it as), and whose Peanut Butter and Jeremy collection was cute and touching and a pure joy (though I'm pretty sure it came out last year, but I read it this year. So there. Again).

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FAVORITE CONTINUING SERIES

I just said it, right above! Y: The Last Man, much like one of my favorite TV shows, Lost, has a fantastic overarching mystery, several smaller mysteries generated by the fantastic supporting cast, and the ability to create genuine suspense with each issue's cliffhanger.

Honorable Mentions: Street Angel, Fables, She-Hulk, Girl Genius, Invincible.

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THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE WHAT THE HELL?? OF GRANT MORRISON

The Good: We3, my favorite limited series, is just lovely, some of the best visual storytelling I've ever seen (which is what makes Frank Quitely my favorite artist), with an animal cast that's all too human. Can't wait for the finish.

The Bad: The first issue of JLA: Classified did nothing but irritate me. I have no desire to get the second issue.

The What the Hell??: I did get the second issue of Seaguy, and I wished I hadn't. I was even more lost than after the first. I didn't bother with the third. As I've said before, I don't mind being challenged by a writer, but it bothers me when it seems the writer is mocking me with nonsense.

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FAVORITE LIMITED SERIES

I just said it! We3! Pay attention!

Honorable Mentions: The New Frontier, Challengers of the Unknown, and of course, some other thing I'm probably forgetting.

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BEST SERIES I'VE ONLY READ IN TPB SO FAR

Hard Time, just edging out Sleeper.

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BEST TREND FOR THIS YEAR

Getting the "fun" back into "funny books". You can take your Identity Crisis and go sulk and brood in your dark and gritty comics world. My favorite books of the year made me laugh. Street Angel, of course, led the pack (except for the boring PSA that was issue #4), as did another new B&W indie series, the terrifically funny Scurvy Dogs. Phil Foglio's Girl Genius continued in its always reliable comedic ways. And even the Big Two were able to stop scowling long enough to release Plastic Man (which was uneven, but more than worthwhile; the more recent issues have really been great, especially the one with President Lex Luthor channeling Dubya by way of Woozy Winks) and She-Hulk (my favorite Marvel title right now).

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BEST TREND FOR NEXT YEAR

Everything old is new again. Grimjack, my favorite comic ever, is coming back! The news that Ostrander and Truman were reviving the long-dormant (due to legal issues) series was my single favorite moment in comics this year. Oh yeah. Also returning in '05: Mike Baron's Badger, Peter David's The Incredible Hulk, and Howard Chaykin's American Flagg! (the last in TPB form only, not new issues, sadly, but still, that's some good news).

COMICS: A personal test

I bought eight comics today. I'm going to try to list them all. (The bag's sitting out in the car.) And if I can't remember one of them, I'm going to drop the title. If it's a bad one, I shouldn't have been getting it in the first place. If it's a good one, serves me right.

Today actually should be easier than usual. I'm pretty excited about the whole bundle.

We've got Ennis and Bendis, of course: Punisher and The Pulse. Punisher more than The Pulse I'm looking forward to; I still haven't quite broken the Bendis knee-jerk purchasing habit, but I think I have finally forced myself to dump Daredevil. Not that I mean to suggest I haven't been enjoying The Pulse; I have. It's just, how many Bendis comics do I need?

Then there's Kirkman: Marvel Team-Up (which I skipped last week because my eyes just brushed past the "MTU" on the cover. Muhtoo? I didn't want a comic called Muhtoo...), and The Walking Dead, which is pretty damn quick, the last issue was out just last week.

Peter David is represented: Madrox. It feels good to be buying a David title again. I dropped Fallen Angel fairly early on; something about it just didn't quite win me over. Can't wait for his return to The Incredible Hulk.

Then there's Ed Brubaker, with Captain America. I just suffered through Kirkman's lousy run on the title; why am I doing it again? I don't give a rat's ass about Captain America. But I'll give the Brubaker version a try, I guess. I'm a sucker.

Brian K. Vaughan's in there, with Ex Machina. I'm glad this series seems to be catching on. It's like the TV show Lost (which is big in the ratings) -- I'm relieved that for once the rest of the public seems to agree with me on a quality product.

And then there are the two "fun" books of the week, She-Hulk and Fantastic Four. And that should be the whole list!

Wait, that's nine. Did I miscount the comics in my bag? Or did I forget to buy something? (I know that I almost bought Matt Howarth's Bugtown, but didn't; it just didn't look as interesting as the old Post Bros. comics used to. But that's not what's messing up my count.) Usually I forget one of the comics I bought; this time I seem to be remembering one too many. Weird. Well, if it's nine, then more comic goodness for me! If it turns out I've got only eight: DAMMIT!

And on top of however many comics that is, I also got the final Peter Milligan X-Force TPB. Damn, I went crazy today. Good thing I won at poker this weekend!

Potpourri

The final table of the current Celebrity Poker Showdown series will air this Sunday, with players Matthew Perry, Dennis Rodman, Kevin Nealon, Neil Patrick Harris, and Mekhi Phifer. (The Bravo website conveniently, and possibly unintentionally, but probably not, ranks them in order of celebrity importance, from Ace to Ten.) My prediction: I think Phifer and Nealon got to the finals on pure luck, and will be eliminated first (in that order). Rodman will stick around for a while because of his intimidating persona (and in spite of his erratic play), but in the end, Harris will edge out Perry for the win. Doogie's got skills!

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I finally finished going through all the Farscape episodes I taped during the Sci-Fi Channel's recent marathon. That is one excellent show. But I gotta say, I understand now why the fans were so ticked off about how the series ended when it got cancelled. What a pisser of a cliffhanger! Man, you end it one minute earlier, and it's happily ever after. Well, now I've got the Peacekeeper Wars mini-series queued up and ready to go on my TiVo. It better not end on a cliffhanger!

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I haven't gotten the blockbuster Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas that all the kids are talking about yet, because I'm still trying to finish GTA: Vice City. Partly that's because I'm much less of a gamer than I used to be; last week, when I got back into Vice City again, I was surprised to see my previous saved game was from May. And partly it's because Vice City is so damn big. I finished the main storyline, defeating the Mafia goons trying to take over my territory, and becoming the unchallenged kingpin of Vice City. The end credits rolled and everything. Then I checked the statistics: I had only completed 42% of the game. In one sense, I had finished it, but in another sense, I wasn't even halfway done, what with all the missions, hidden packages, insane stunt jumps, properties, etc. I had yet to discover/explore/complete. Now that is getting your money's worth. And I hear San Andreas is even bigger. I think I may wait for Sony to release the inevitable "Greatest Hits" version for $19.99 before I buy it; no matter how much gameplay is in it, I still think fifty bucks is too damn much to lay down for a video game.

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Found via Pop Culture Junk Mail: there is a blog solely dedicated to the deconstruction of the comic strip "For Better or For Worse". It's For Better or For Worse Strikes Back, and it's a crack-up. Actually, as I examine it more closely, I see the maintainer has recently abandoned the blog, leaving it open to anyone who wants to post about that day's happenings with the Patterson clan. How fun! Much like Hulk's Diary, this is something I wish I had thought of first. Maybe I'll start my own blog about "Rose is Rose". Or "Drabble"!

COMICS: Wed. 9/29/04

For someone who's listed on the Comic Weblog Updates page, I don't write about comics a whole awful lot. Well, here's some thoughts on yesterday's purchases.

Daredevil: Didn't read it.

Amazing Spider-Man: Didn't read it.

Invincible: Didn't read it.

New Frontier: Didn't read it.

No wonder I don't write about comics very much. By the time I read the damn things, it's irrelevant.

I did read all the Marvel 2099 books (and by the way, thanks a pantsload for putting them all out on the same day, Marvel! Way to serve the typical fan's budget best. Douchebags). I bought all five of them, because Robert Kirkman wrote them. Okay, I think I've finally been cured of that habit.

Not that they were all bad. Just that none of them were really spectacular. And I was surprised that all the issues were one-and-done. (I'm sure everyone else was aware of this, but I guess I don't really pay attention to much of anything that's happening in comics other than what I can see right in front of me on the shelves.)

I liked Punisher 2099 just for the fact that Kirkman followed up on the Punisher/Elektra love connection Garth Ennis threw out as a joke a year or two ago. So Frank and Elektra have a baby in 2038 (according to the dates on Cassandra's tombstone)? Let's see, Frank was in Vietnam, so, being extremely generous, let's say he was 21 in 1975. That would make him a proud papa at the age of 84! Take that, Tony Randall! Hell, forget Frank -- Elektra's the one who had to suffer through an octogenarian labor. That'll break a hip. Other than that little bit of backstory, I didn't much care for the issue, though. Even Pop Mhan's art, which I dig on SpyBoy, didn't really thrill me here.

Mutant 2099: The brain of Reed Richards in a Ben Grimm robot. That should have been a lot cooler than it was. I just kept thinking, why don't the Sentinels catch Reed and the kid, already? Reed's flying around in his jetcar, the kid's zapping Sentinels -- but they easily evade capture. And there's a gigantic mole people invasion right out in broad daylight, and no Sentinels show up? They're really pretty ineffective, aren't they? How the hell did they defeat every superpowered being on Earth?

Inhumans 2099: This had a very dark and interesting twist at the end, but I think it would've worked better for me if I knew who the hell the Inhumans were. I mean, I know who they are, I'm aware they exist, I've seen them in comics like Fantastic Four, and, I don't know, X-Men or Hulk, I guess, but they never really interested me. The only one whose name I knew was Black Bolt, and I didn't even know he had a brother. So, yeah, some of the impact of the ending was lost on me. Still: pretty cool.

Black Panther 2099: I know nothing of Black Panther. Does the current version often fight Doctor Doom? Seems like a bit of a mismatch to me, but whatever. And are the Sentinels confined only to America? You'd think, if they could've destroyed every single superhero, they could've gotten to Doom in Latveria, too. But again: whatever. And the issue as a whole? You guessed it: whatever.

Daredevil 2099: This was probably my favorite of the 2099s. I really liked the ending, where we learn Fisk is not just carrying on the tradition of Matt Murdock, he's carrying on his grandfather's as well, committing evil as the Kingpin and atoning for it as the Daredevil. How Catholic of him! And I liked that, in Kirkman's world, the original Kingpin eventually defeated and killed Daredevil. Good story.

So, all in all, I'd say this 2099 experiment was a bit of a failure. None of them were really designed to be continuing stories, but if they did turn into regular series, or if a generic Marvel 2099 title were launched, I doubt I'd buy any of them. Which is a failure in my eyes.

And I've learned to stop buying comics just because Kirkman's name is on the cover. Invincible and Walking Dead, yes. Anything else: doubtful. I mean, why the hell am I still buying Captain America? It's quite bad. (Although I have to admit, I kind of enjoyed the first issue of Kirkman's Jubilee. I'm a teenage girl, apparently.)

I hate Charles Taylor.

I hate Charles Taylor.

A film critic for Salon.com, Taylor's insane diatribes disguised as reviews are a glaring flaw at an otherwise stellar website. Maybe someday I'll go into his strange habits of using his reviews to attack movies completely unrelated to the one he's talking about (like his swipe at Blade Runner in his review of Hulk), or his tendency to blame the audience for not liking something he does, or even just not liking it in the way he does. I always know I'm going to hate everything he writes, so I try to avoid his reviews at all costs.

Every once in a while, though, I read one of his pieces, just to torture myself, apparently. Today, I did it again. It's not a movie review this time, but a ""defense"" of Gwyneth Paltrow. (As always, the extra punctuation is to indicate the bitchy sarcastic air-quotes I'm making.) What's so unintentionally hilarious and simultaneously infuriating about his defense is that it's more hurtful than an attack.

He spends the first few paragraphs detailing why everyone hates Paltrow. And quite honestly, I was unaware that there was such hatred for her. So thanks for bringing that to my attention. And frankly, in listing all those things, he makes a pretty good case for hating her. Score one for Taylor!

Then, in composing his defense, he proceeds to rip her apart. Talking about her new movie, Sky Captain Etc. Etc., he says,

But like every other element of the movie, the actors, including Paltrow, exist only to fulfill some iconic function and are part of an enormous, sustained conception that sits on the screen without ever coming alive.

A ringing endorsement!

He liked her "blasé" performance in Flesh and Bone, but then adds, "The trouble was, that same blasé affect defined her other work from the period." Referring to a play he saw her in at the time, he says,

It wasn't a good performance. Wan and resigned where Nina is tormented and lyric, Paltrow moped through the role, her flat, nasal voice finding none of the pathos or sad comedy of Chekhov's lines.

I have come not to praise Gwyneth, but to bury her!

Talking of Hard Eight, he says it made good use of "her zonked, bruised quality", which, at this point in the article, I don't even know, that might be a compliment. He adds,

But other times she just seemed dissociated from the pictures she was in, a promising actress who needed some training to refine her potential (and especially to bring some variety to her voice).

Again with the voice!

Saying that she's "only sometimes the actress she can be," he continues on to her "prestige outings," such as Emma, in which he says she "seemed wholly inauthentic". Still waiting for the defense, Charles. Ah, here it comes: Paltrow is "much more enjoyable in throwaway pictures". I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and say that Paltrow would not be flattered by the description of any of her films as "throwaway," but I don't know, maybe that's just me.

The first "throwaway" picture he names: A Perfect Murder.

My colleague Stephanie Zacharek described what a fetching clotheshorse Paltrow made in the tepid "A Perfect Murder."

Clotheshorse? Tepid? Again: this is praise?

Then, after strangely finding nothing negative to say about Sliding Doors, he goes on to A View from the Top. After saying "The picture was a trifle" and describing it as a "silly comed[y]" (which, in any other context, would not sound quite so condescending), he chastises her for not liking the movie. "[An Entertainment Weekly] interview reveals one unattractive movie-star habit -- that of distancing yourself from your failures." So, she's to blame for not embracing the film he just called a trifle and a failure? Nice.

"Paltrow's priding herself on her honesty suggests that she's not the best judge of her work," he says in the same paragraph. So 1) it's bad to be honest ("sometimes telling a lie is simply a matter of being gracious to the people you work with" -- which probably is true when the film is current, to help the box office, but not in an interview years later), and 2) Paltrow can't tell the good from the bad in her work... so how she became one of the most successful and critically-acclaimed actresses in the world is apparently a complete mystery.

Taylor finally goes on to actual praise of some of Paltrow's films, but in doing so, he reveals another of my long-standing reasons for hating him: his overpraising of films the world at large recognizes as mediocre-to-crappy. I've got no real beef with his mentioning Great Expectations or Possession -- neither of which I despised, but neither of which amounted to much of anything, either, except in Taylor's eyes. But then, he goes on to lavish attention on Paltrow's "most affecting performance" (aside from Shakespeare in Love) (I think):

Shallow Hal.

Yes, according to Taylor, Shallow Hal is "one of the loveliest, most affecting, and most emotionally satisfying of American film comedies." No, really. He actually spends the last four paragraphs of this article, the culmination of his defense, the crux of his thesis, arguing that Paltrow should be loved and embraced for Shallow Goddam Hal. He interprets its "message". He refutes other critics who dared not to love it. He says things like,

As Rosemary, Paltrow expresses emotion that has the force of the elemental.... There's no distance between what Rosemary feels and what Paltrow makes us feel.

In the final paragraph, he even seems to lose track of who he's talking about, going on about the Farrelly brothers and their "radical humanism", their "deeply inclusionary movies" like Shallow Goddam Frickin' Hal and Stuck on You. He concludes with the dopey, preachy, pat, condescending, judgmental, and, considering he's spent the last few thousand words deriding Paltrow more than he's praised her, patently ridiculous statement:

Of course "Shallow Hal" is red meat to Paltrow haters, because it says judgments based on surfaces are the ugliest thing imaginable. A simple idea her most fervent detractors have yet to grasp.

Oh, snap! Take that, Paltrow haters! You just can't grasp how wonderful Gwyneth is because you just don't get the genius of her performance in Shallow Hal!

What has he even accomplished with this article? He set out to prove Paltrow doesn't deserve to be hated, then, after shredding her on his own, he finally offered up three of her weakest roles as his evidence. You know what I think: I think Taylor secretly hates Gwyneth Paltrow himself. And I think he wrote this article to passive-aggressively express his hate toward her. It's certainly one of the more damning things ever written about her, intentionally or not.

It's either that, or Charles Taylor is a goddam lunatic. And really, when I think about it: can't it be both?

COMICS: If we could just get Baron and Rude back on Nexus, it'd be 3 for 3

Over at his blog, Peter David makes official the best comics world announcement I've heard since Ostrander and Truman announced they'd be bringing Grimjack back:

So rather than it [his already-planned Hulk mini-series] being issues 1-6 of "Tempest Fugit," the Hulk series will simply start up again in January after a four month hiatus and my storyline will be issues 77 through 82 of the regular book. Which means that, to all intents and purposes, I'm back writing the Hulk.

Woohoo!

COMICS: I do it all for you, gentle reader

Today at CBR, Larry Young's Loose Cannon column asks the following question of several comics bloggers:

Comics blogs seem to be a "what have you done for me lately" sort of thing in terms of attention, readership, and import. Cranking out content for eyeballs seems to weigh more one side than the other when it comes to telling both sides of a complex issue. How do you see your blog in relation to who you perceive as its audience?

Inexplicably, my response was left out of the article. (Possibly because I wasn't asked for one.) So, from the cutting room floor, my response:

---

Thanks for asking, first of all. It's always nice to be appreciated.

Second, my audience, judging from my referrer logs, appears to be about half people looking for pictures of Misty May's butt, while the other half -- and this is a subtle distinction -- is people looking for pictures of Misty May's ass.


I have no idea why.

But my role as I perceive it is to examine comic books from a point of view that my audience can identify with. Therefore, "Does this comic have a lot of asses in it?" is a question I will often ask of myself. Usually right out loud, in public. Sometimes in church. Fortunately, the answer is generally "Yes." (Or, "Please leave, you're disrupting the baptism.")

With the question of quantity resolved, I can then move on to quality. Are the asses shapely? Do the asses have superpowers? Do the asses talk? If Bendis is writing, do the asses talk way too much? Are the asses clad in form-fitting spandex, or possibly thongs? Are there any naked asses? Is one of them the Incredible Hulk's? Do the asses figure into the plot? If so, how? And is Chuck Austen writing this comic? Would this comic even exist if it were not for the asses? If not, is this comic Gen-13?

It certainly is a complex issue, Larry. And I have to admit I cover it from one side only: the backside. In fact, I'm even thinking of renaming my blog: You Know What I Like? Asses.

COMICS: The comics I didn't buy

I gave up on The Punisher this week. I had it in my hand, and finally forced myself to put it back on the shelf. I hate this stupid, meandering, boring storyline! Why should I stick around for three more issues of it, other than a foolish, masochistic desire to be a "completist"? I'll be back when you're done with this one, Ennis.

And as I've recently mentioned (more than once, I believe), I gave up on the Bruce Jones Incredible Hulk ages ago. But I had to page through issue #75 at the store, because it actually looked like a Hulk comic, with the Hulk clearly pictured on the cover and everything. And the Hulk even appears inside! It's a Christmas miracle!

It's far too late for me to want to jump back in now, even if this looked like a good issue (which, aside from the Hulk actually appearing in a Hulk comic, it doesn't), but at least this should clear up some questions from Sean Collins (no relation) (that makes sense if you know my last name is also Collins). He recently posted some questions about Jones' run (in response to one of my posts, hooray for me), and I'm guessing this issue holds some answers for him. Well, I know it holds one answer, at least (the answer he already guessed), but as for his other question, whether Jones will finish his big conspiracy storyline before he leaves the title -- this issue certainly looks like it's wrapping things up. Which is good for Marvel. If I'd been following that story for as long as it's been going on, and it abruptly ended without resolving anything, I do believe I'd storm the Marvel offices with pitchfork and torch in hand.

Also didn't buy X-Force #1, which was a no-brainer on my part. Man, it looks exactly like the first X-Force #1, from, like, twelve years ago, when I actually had no brain, and purchased multiple copies, because comics will make you rich! Idiot.

Mike pointed out some choice artistic crimes within the covers (one panel in particular, in which one character appears to be 18 feet tall in comparison to the woman kneeling in front of him -- ew, not kneeling like that! Get your minds out of the gutter), and then added that he had asked the owner of his shop if he could punch anyone who bought it. Permission granted, soldier!

COMICS: Fandom

I wish I were the world's biggest fan of something.

Mike is the world's biggest Swamp Thing fan. Corey is the world's biggest Green Lantern fan. Dorian is the world's biggest Wildcat fan. Neilalien is the world's biggest Dr. Strange fan. Laura "Tegan" Gjovaag is the world's biggest Aquaman fan.

I'd like to say I'm the world's biggest Incredible Hulk fan, but if that were true, I would've been the one to create the brilliantly funny (but too-infrequently updated) Hulk's Diary. Plus, I'm only a fan when the comic doesn't suck, which it currently does. It's possible I'm the world's biggest Grimjack fan, but only if Uncle Elvis has left the building. Hell, I thought I might even be the world's biggest Replacement God fan, but even an obscure (but excellent) b&w fantasy/humor comic that hasn't released a new issue in five years has its own (mostly abandoned) fan site.

So I'm just going to pick something and go with it. As of now, I am officially the world's biggest fan of...

Rick Jones.

Author, folk singer, talk show host, professional sidekick. He was indirectly responsible for the creation of the Hulk; he was Captain America's replacement Bucky; he was sidekick to Space Knight Rom; he was bonded via the nega-bands to two Captain Marvels.

I am now his biggest fan in the world. (Prove me wrong, children, prove me wrong!) And I will not rest until Rick Jones gets his own ongoing monthly series! Or until I get bored with him.

COMICS: Hulk is coolest one there is!

You know what I like? The Incredible Hulk.

I've always liked him. Ever since my first comic reading days as a kid, I liked how he was different. He wasn't like all those other superheroes, who went around looking for someone to help -- looking for trouble, basically. The Hulk didn't want trouble. The Hulk just wanted to be left alone. I loved that. The Hulk just wanted to kick back in the forest, away from all the puny humans, feed grass to an innocent deer who didn't know to be afraid of the green monster, compose some haikus, I don't know -- and then some dumbass supervillain would always come along and drop a building on the Hulk's head. And so the Hulk would have no choice but to GRRRAAAARRRRRR HULK SMASH!! and whale the holy living shit out of the bad guy. The Hulk didn't go looking for supervillains. The Hulk didn't give a gamma-irradiated rat's ass about supervillains. He wasn't proactive, he was purely reactive. Mess with Hulk, Hulk smash.

Also, the Hulk was the strongest one there was. And you knew because he would tell you: "Hulk is strongest one there is!!" There wasn't anybody who could beat the Hulk in a straight-up fight. Even Thor -- who's a god, for crying out loud -- could only fight him to a draw, at best. How sweet is that?

And best of all: half the time he was puny Banner, so nobody would see it coming. The element of surprise, turning the tables on the assholes -- that was great. I mean, you see a giant pile of orange rocks walking down the street, you go, "Hey, it's the Thing." But not the Hulk. He's just this meek little rocket scientist -- and then some hooligans start thinking they can get tough with him, or maybe they just won't stop talking on their cell phones in a movie theater. Next thing you know, they're standing in the shadow of (if I may quote) "7 feet, 1,000 pounds of unfettered fury!" and crying for their mommies. Now that's comedy.

Then, of course, came the TV show. The Incredible Hulk TV series changed a ton of stuff from the comic -- from the main character's name ("Bruce" was deemed too effeminate for a hero, so they called him "David" instead), to his backstory (adding a wife who died in a car accident) to how he became the Hulk (self-administered dose of radiation, rather than accidental exposure), to the Hulk's strength (bullets could actually hurt him, rather than just bouncing off) and speech (rather than childish language, the Hulk never spoke at all), to who was tracking him down (not the obsessed General "Thunderbolt" Ross and Ross's daughter, Betty, who loved Banner, but some reporter named McGee). But it was still great. Where else could a nine-year-old see primetime superhero live-action on TV? (Well, Wonder Woman, I guess, but that was fun for an entirely different reason, even at that age.) "Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." So true, so true.

The Hulk is even what got me back into comics. In 1988, my freshman year of college, down at the Student Union there were these guys handing out "welcome packages" -- little boxes with various crap from local merchants inside, like shaving cream or scotch tape or whatever. And there were some comic books, too. I hadn't collected or even read comics for about 8 years, but when I read that issue of The Incredible Hulk in my welcome package, I was instantly hooked again. Because the Hulk was... he was grey! And he was smart! And a little bit... bad, too. He was cunning, devious. Banner was on a mission, and the Hulk was cooperating with him, but for his own selfish reasons. And the art was very new and striking, stylized in a way that was totally different from the comics I had read as a kid, much more dynamic, and grittier, too -- drawn by some guy named Todd McFarlane (who has done little of note since then).

It was all wrong! And totally compelling. I bought a slew of back issues (all written by the fantastically entertaining Peter David, who would stay with the series for about 13 years, an amazing run from beginning to end), and I was suddenly a comic book fan again.

The there's the movie. I liked Hulk (not The Hulk, for some strange reason) more than I know many people did. It had the handicap of a CGI-created main character to overcome, which turned out to look better that I thought it would, but still, it's hard to invest yourself in a bunch of 1s and 0s on the movie screen. And I think it made a mistake in not having the Hulk speak; that left him as a personality-less destruction machine. The destruction was pretty awesome, true, but I'd have liked to hear him say "Hulk smash" at least once. I mean, throw me a frickin' bone. And where's Rick Jones?

But I liked Eric Bana as Bruce Banner, I love Jennifer Connelly in anything, and I appreciated both the slower, more subtle character moments as well as the inventive visual "comic book" style of the movie. I liked that the film spent time developing Banner's repressed psychological scars, which helped to create the Hulk persona bottled up inside him -- and that it showed Banner enjoys releasing that rage. And that tank fight: come on, that was kick-ass.

Right now, though, I'm having a tough time liking the Hulk. Because all I've got to go by is the comic book, by current writer Bruce Jones... and the comic sucks. I flat-out hate it. For one thing, it suffers from Marvel-itis, in which a two-issue story is painfully stretched out to a trade paperback-friendly five or six issues. For another, it's all X-Files-type conspiracies and mysterious covert agencies and that's all fine and good in the beginning, but eventually you have to start coming up with some resolutions to those mysteries, and, like The X-Files, for what few questions it did supply (before I finally dropped the book), it fell far short of the expectations it had created. And worst of all, a capital crime for an Incredible Hulk comic: it doesn't feature the Incredible Hulk!! Bruce Jones got the bright idea of using the Hulk in a very limited capacity only. Which meant that for a good number of issues, the Hulk only appeared in brief flashbacks, or by implication (gang of toughs threatens Banner, cut straight to gang of toughs with their asses kicked, with no sight of the Hulk in between), if he even appeared at all. That might be fine once or twice, as a change of pace, but when I buy a Hulk comic, I want to see the goddam Hulk. I don't buy a Superman comic for 22 pages of Clark Kent reading internet jokes from his mom at work, and if I wanted 22 pages of Bruce Banner, then I'd buy a goddam comic called Bruce Banner, not one called The Incredible Goddam Hulk!!

But. It appears Jones is out. He's signed an exclusive deal with DC, which means his run on the Hulk will soon be over. And good riddance. The buzz in the fan world is that Peter David is a possible candidate to take over from him, which couldn't make me happier. Problem is, according to his website, nobody's offered David the job yet (although if anybody has a brain at Marvel -- which you may debate amongst yourselves -- they will soon), and what's more, he speculates that the Hulk might not even continue in an ongoing series. Which would be terrible. Why a bevy of A-list writers aren't clamoring for this gig is beyond me. Peter David, among others, has shown that the Hulk can be so much more than a one-note "Hulk smash" character. Hell, at this point, returning the Hulk to all "Hulk smash" all the time would be a daring new direction in itself.

Bottom line is, Marvel had better get someone up to the task of helming a monthly Hulk comic, and they had better do it fast. He's one of their most popular, interesting, challenging creations ever, and I want to see someone who can bring the comic back up to a consistently entertaining level. Forget all this men-in-black crap.

Or Hulk will smash.

COMICS: Puny humans read!

Found via gutterninja, who found it elsewhere:

Hulk's Diary.

It almost causes me physical pain that I didn't think of this first.

Sample:

Hulk saw movie about bug-man and it was good but needed more smashing.

AND HULK DID NOT GET SNIFFLY DURING ROMANTIC SCENES SO IF YOU HEAR IRON MAN OR THOR TALKING ABOUT IT THEY ARE LIARS.