POTPOURRI

TV: Celebrity Poker Showdown is back on Bravo, and host Dave Foley is as drunk as ever! And that to me is funny. During his first season with the show, he was so drunk he routinely slurred words, and often had trouble focusing on the camera. I guess the producers had a word with him, because all through the next series of games, he seemed to have sobered up. But with the new season, which started this week, the cork is out of the bottle! He's back, baby!

As for the poker -- oh, man. I've watched a lot of cards on TV over the past couple years, and I have never seen the best player at the table beaten time and time and time again by sheerest, stupidest luck as Sara Rue was this game. And did Sara not look cute as all git-out? (And by "cute," I mean "smokin' hot.") Boy, she's lost some weight since she played last season. Not that she wasn't hot before; I'm just making an observation.


Yeah, she's just adorable. But adorable don't cut it, because Brad Garrett was pulling cards out of his ass. Sara's got two pair? Brad fills the straight on the river. Sara's got a straight? The board gets the same straight, meaning she and Brad split the pot. She should've knocked him out of the game about 87 times, and he just kept winning. It was brutal. And great TV. Good start to the new tournament.

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MOVIES: In all my Oscar foofaraw, I neglected to mention the Razzies, which also announced its nominees on Tuesday. This may be the first year I haven't seen any of the films nominated for Worst Picture. I tried -- I saw Butterfly Effect, after all. And The Grudge! If those movies aren't bad enough to make the list, then I ain't never seein' Catwoman!

Wow, they hate Ben Stiller. He got nominated as Worst Actor for a record five films: Along Came Polly, Anchorman, Dodgeball, Envy, and Starsky & Hutch. (I think when they nominate someone, they just name every film he's been in that year.) Now, come on! He was kind of good in at least two of those films. I mean, I've grown sick of Stiller's frequently repeated nebbish-who-gets-caught-in-humiliating-situations roles, too, but at least he was doing something different in Dodgeball and his cameo in Anchorman. I thought he was great in both of those.

And the Razzies went after Dubya, too! Multiple nominations for his appearance in Fahrenheit 9/11. My favorite: Worst Screen Couple, for "George W. Bush & EITHER Condoleeza* Rice OR His Pet Goat." I never thought I'd say this, but: he's got my vote!

*It's actually spelled with two z's guys, but that's okay; it's a tough name, and it's not like she's been in any news stories recently that would allow you to check the spelling.

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The second I talked up I Read the Comics So You Don't Have To, Josh goes and changes the name to The Comics Curmudgeon. Man! Now I have to change my sidebar links again!

While I'm being all self-referential, I'd like to thank Jim Henley of Unqualified Offerings and Augie De Blieck of Various and Sundry for throwing links my way. Now, Augie is a fairly conservative fella, with, presumably, a majority of fairly conservative readers, where I, on the other hand, hate America. Oops! I meant, "am liberal." Oh, what a giveaway! My point is -- and I'm not saying the one thing has anything whatsoever to do with the other -- the thing is, the total elapsed time between Augie's link, and the first ever really bitchy political comment left on my blog, was two hours and fifty-three minutes. That's a funny little coinky-dink, innit?

TV: Tilt

I finally was able to catch the first two episodes of Tilt, ESPN's new poker drama. Which was harder than it sounds. ESPN is making it a bitch to catch an episode (as Augie will also attest to... twice). The first time I tried to TiVo the pilot, it ran long (due to, what else, a sports program that didn't finish on time) and the last five or ten minutes got cut off. The second time I tried to record it, ESPN promised me Tilt, but then just decided to broadcast something else instead. Thanks, ESPN! Good thing you didn't spend any money on Tilt, and therefore clearly don't care if anyone is able to watch it or not!

I finally got the complete pilot episode by programming the TiVo to add fifteen minutes to the recording time. But then I tried the same thing with the second episode -- and this time, it was late by thirty minutes. So I missed the ending again. Jesus, why even bother? Seriously, why say you're going to air a show at a certain time when you clearly are unable to meet that commitment? Why air the show at all, when it's obviously such a low priority?

I was able to catch a repeat of the second episode by setting TiVo up to record an hour extra. So now I've seen the first two shows. After all that -- was it worth it?

Surprisingly, I think yes. Michael Madsen has always been such a wonderful, brutish, intimidating actor, and he's certainly all that as Don "the Matador" Everest, the most famous poker pro in Vegas -- one who's gotten where he is by cheating. But Everest is more of a background character. The three real leads of the show are Eddie Cibrian, Kristin Lehman, and Todd Williams, as Eddie, Miami, and Clark, three young players who were all cheated by the Matador, and who have teamed up to take him down. I'm not familiar with any of those actors, but I found them all genuinely likeable, and I'm interested in their efforts to either win bankrolls big enough to challenge Everest, or to con their way into his inner circle.

A couple things I'm not wild about so far: one, the Matador's daughter, Dee. She's draped in furs, living high on life, rolling in riches provided by daddy, yet it's her ambition to strip for one of the local clubs (which her father uses his connections to prevent). Yeah, that's believable. Anything to get a strip club in the show, right, ESPN?

And two, the poker players aren't very good. As Nat has correctly pointed out, "The winners win because every hand they're shown playing, they have the best hand. Yawn." Anyone can win with the best hand. (And even then, only a good poker player will still get the other guy to bet.) A good poker player wins when he's got the worst hand. And we haven't seen that yet. (In the second episode, Everest wins with the worst hand, but only because Eddie intentionally throws away the best hand to let him win.)

It's worth it right now for me to jump ESPN's scheduling hurdles to see Tilt. I'm hooked enough to care what happens next. But it's not a must-see show just yet, and if ESPN keeps screwing with me -- hell, Kenny Rogers taught me to know when to walk away.

COMICS: A personal test

I bought eight comics today. I'm going to try to list them all. (The bag's sitting out in the car.) And if I can't remember one of them, I'm going to drop the title. If it's a bad one, I shouldn't have been getting it in the first place. If it's a good one, serves me right.

Today actually should be easier than usual. I'm pretty excited about the whole bundle.

We've got Ennis and Bendis, of course: Punisher and The Pulse. Punisher more than The Pulse I'm looking forward to; I still haven't quite broken the Bendis knee-jerk purchasing habit, but I think I have finally forced myself to dump Daredevil. Not that I mean to suggest I haven't been enjoying The Pulse; I have. It's just, how many Bendis comics do I need?

Then there's Kirkman: Marvel Team-Up (which I skipped last week because my eyes just brushed past the "MTU" on the cover. Muhtoo? I didn't want a comic called Muhtoo...), and The Walking Dead, which is pretty damn quick, the last issue was out just last week.

Peter David is represented: Madrox. It feels good to be buying a David title again. I dropped Fallen Angel fairly early on; something about it just didn't quite win me over. Can't wait for his return to The Incredible Hulk.

Then there's Ed Brubaker, with Captain America. I just suffered through Kirkman's lousy run on the title; why am I doing it again? I don't give a rat's ass about Captain America. But I'll give the Brubaker version a try, I guess. I'm a sucker.

Brian K. Vaughan's in there, with Ex Machina. I'm glad this series seems to be catching on. It's like the TV show Lost (which is big in the ratings) -- I'm relieved that for once the rest of the public seems to agree with me on a quality product.

And then there are the two "fun" books of the week, She-Hulk and Fantastic Four. And that should be the whole list!

Wait, that's nine. Did I miscount the comics in my bag? Or did I forget to buy something? (I know that I almost bought Matt Howarth's Bugtown, but didn't; it just didn't look as interesting as the old Post Bros. comics used to. But that's not what's messing up my count.) Usually I forget one of the comics I bought; this time I seem to be remembering one too many. Weird. Well, if it's nine, then more comic goodness for me! If it turns out I've got only eight: DAMMIT!

And on top of however many comics that is, I also got the final Peter Milligan X-Force TPB. Damn, I went crazy today. Good thing I won at poker this weekend!

TV: I will literally die if I don't get this off my chest. (Not literally.)

Nat Gertler recently (and by recently, I mean over three weeks ago; I'm a little slow on this one) posted the following on his fine TV blog, Nat's TV:

As I prepare for friends to gather here for a poker night, I am reminded of the worst advice I've seen on TV lately.

On Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, one of the Fab Five recommended that people holding a poker night keep a second deck pre-shuffled, so it's ready to play.

Trust me, any poker player willing to play with a "pre-shuffled" [deck] will be willing to let you hold his wallet, and will take your word for it that you aren't bluffing...

Since he doesn't have comments on his blog, I must respond here. No, really, I must. This bothers me so much, I feel an actual physical compulsion to reply.

Pre-shuffling doesn't mean someone brings a deck from home that he has carefully arranged in order to cheat with, and then deals a hand without letting anyone cut or otherwise touch the cards. Pre-shuffling is a very simple and expeditious practice that happens right at the table and continues all throughout the night.

You have two decks. Player one, the dealer, deals a game with deck one. Player two, who will be the dealer next, shuffles deck two during this game. When the game is over, player two (after player one cuts the deck) is instantly ready to deal a game with deck two, and deck one goes to player three to shuffle in preparation for the following game. Makes the games move much more efficiently, and it's all done right there at the table, so no one has to worry about cheating.

Possibly Nat already knows this, and was pretending not to, for the sake of a joke. In which case, that's a faulty comedy premise (as defined by Andy Kindler), and my objection stands.

Let me wrap up with a little friendly advice: Nat, if you play poker with people whom you actually believe would cheat, if only given the opportunity, then perhaps you should not play poker with those people anymore.

TV: Too much of a good thing

I love TV Poker. I love that it's everywhere right now, so much so that it's pissing off non-Poker fans. I love that at almost any given time of day, I can find Poker on the dial, whether it be the World Series of Poker on ESPN or ESPN2, the World Poker Tour on the Travel Channel, Late Night Poker on Fox Sports Net, Celebrity Poker Showdown on Bravo, Dogs Playing Poker on the Animal Channel, Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear on the Food Network, Hitler's Deadliest Poker Games on the History Channel, For the Last Goddam Time, Anna Nicole, a Flush Beats a Pair of Fives on E!...

Okay, I'm making up some of those. But Poker is everywhere. And now, as if there weren't enough televised card games already, GSN (formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken) recently added the World Series of Blackjack. Hell, Blackjack is barely interesting when I'm playing it, and the way the tournament is set up, whatever fun might've been had is forcibly removed. There's a set number of hands played (30, I believe), and limits are set on the maximum bets allowed, so everyone plays this incredibly dull, conservative, chip-conscious game, where, unless you bet really foolishly and actually lose all your chips early on, nothing matters until about the last three hands. And yet, I still enjoy watching it.

I didn't think there was a card game you could put on TV that I wouldn't watch.

Until GSN came up with Celebrity Blackjack.

Sweet, merciful Zeus, is this a train wreck! And not the exciting, exploding, twisted steel, bodies flung from windows into orphanages kind of can't-look-away train wreck. This is a train wreck with Jamie Kennedy and Eddie Griffin trading alleged "wisecracks", Hal Sparks thinking of his hilarious appearance in Spider-Man 2 and pretending not to be humiliated, Dean Cain gamely tolerating MAD TV's Alex Borstein cracking Lois & Clark jokes old enough to join the AARP, Melissa Joan Hart appearing to be in actual physical pain from adding up her cards kind of train wreck, which means this is the kind of train wreck where you have to shield your eyes, plug your ears, stick your head in the sand, and pray the world is enveloped in nuclear fire before you have to watch one more second.

If that sounds bad, consider that "Hollywood" Dave Stann, the single most obnoxious card player in the world, and the reason why watching the regular World Series of Blackjack was often a chore, serves as the dealer in Celebrity Blackjack. Which means his inflated ego is in direct competition for screentime and quip quotient with celebrities who didn't make the cut for Celebrity Mole, and are therefore fighting for attention as though their very celebrity lives depended on it (which they do). It's a pissing match in which you are the receptacle. And if that sounds unpleasant, trust me: the reality is much, much worse.

People: "Stuttering John" is one of the "celebrities" on this series. Fortunately, I didn't have the displeasure of witnessing that episode -- I could barely watch the one episode I ran across, let alone the entire six (I think) episode tournament. But when "Stuttering John" is elevated to "celebrity" status, it's time to turn off the lights and lock the door behind you. This show is a travesty on the level of Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?, only, if we're all very, very lucky, no one will remember Celebrity Blackjack five years from now, not even the participants.

I didn't care for it, is what I'm saying.

TV: Aces and eights, baby, aces and eights

Tonight it's all about the poker. Ideally, I've got a real-life poker game to attend, but since Schleprock has better luck than I do, the plans'll probably fall apart. Thankfully, I have an emergency back-up plan in place: Celebrity Poker Showdown on Bravo.

Tonight is the two-hour final table, in which the winners from the previous rounds compete for the grand prize for their charities. Also, I've got last week's episode still unwatched on my TiVo. Sadly, I already know who won that game (if you don't know, I won't spoil it for you, but her initials are Maura Tierney), but I'll watch the sumbitch anyway.

Tonight's final table consists of Rosario Dawson (who should be first eliminated, if there's any justice; she's a terrible player, who got very, very lucky), Dule Hill (who also was incredibly lucky, but still had a certain amount of skill as well), Michael Ian Black (who beat Norm McDonald in the best episode so far this season), Lauren Graham (whom I love, and will be rooting for), and Maura. Who, hey, I just realized! She was host Dave Foley's girlfriend on NewsRadio, one of my favorite sitcoms ever. Funny I didn't make that connection until just now.

Speaking of Dave: what's the over/under on how drunk he's going to be tonight? I'm saying drunk enough to forget Maura Tierney's name, and to make an ass of himself by interrupting the game, but not quite drunk enough to pick a fight with giant co-host Phil Gordon. Seriously, that guy's gotta be nine feet tall.