POTPOURRI

TV: Celebrity Poker Showdown is back on Bravo, and host Dave Foley is as drunk as ever! And that to me is funny. During his first season with the show, he was so drunk he routinely slurred words, and often had trouble focusing on the camera. I guess the producers had a word with him, because all through the next series of games, he seemed to have sobered up. But with the new season, which started this week, the cork is out of the bottle! He's back, baby!

As for the poker -- oh, man. I've watched a lot of cards on TV over the past couple years, and I have never seen the best player at the table beaten time and time and time again by sheerest, stupidest luck as Sara Rue was this game. And did Sara not look cute as all git-out? (And by "cute," I mean "smokin' hot.") Boy, she's lost some weight since she played last season. Not that she wasn't hot before; I'm just making an observation.


Yeah, she's just adorable. But adorable don't cut it, because Brad Garrett was pulling cards out of his ass. Sara's got two pair? Brad fills the straight on the river. Sara's got a straight? The board gets the same straight, meaning she and Brad split the pot. She should've knocked him out of the game about 87 times, and he just kept winning. It was brutal. And great TV. Good start to the new tournament.

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MOVIES: In all my Oscar foofaraw, I neglected to mention the Razzies, which also announced its nominees on Tuesday. This may be the first year I haven't seen any of the films nominated for Worst Picture. I tried -- I saw Butterfly Effect, after all. And The Grudge! If those movies aren't bad enough to make the list, then I ain't never seein' Catwoman!

Wow, they hate Ben Stiller. He got nominated as Worst Actor for a record five films: Along Came Polly, Anchorman, Dodgeball, Envy, and Starsky & Hutch. (I think when they nominate someone, they just name every film he's been in that year.) Now, come on! He was kind of good in at least two of those films. I mean, I've grown sick of Stiller's frequently repeated nebbish-who-gets-caught-in-humiliating-situations roles, too, but at least he was doing something different in Dodgeball and his cameo in Anchorman. I thought he was great in both of those.

And the Razzies went after Dubya, too! Multiple nominations for his appearance in Fahrenheit 9/11. My favorite: Worst Screen Couple, for "George W. Bush & EITHER Condoleeza* Rice OR His Pet Goat." I never thought I'd say this, but: he's got my vote!

*It's actually spelled with two z's guys, but that's okay; it's a tough name, and it's not like she's been in any news stories recently that would allow you to check the spelling.

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The second I talked up I Read the Comics So You Don't Have To, Josh goes and changes the name to The Comics Curmudgeon. Man! Now I have to change my sidebar links again!

While I'm being all self-referential, I'd like to thank Jim Henley of Unqualified Offerings and Augie De Blieck of Various and Sundry for throwing links my way. Now, Augie is a fairly conservative fella, with, presumably, a majority of fairly conservative readers, where I, on the other hand, hate America. Oops! I meant, "am liberal." Oh, what a giveaway! My point is -- and I'm not saying the one thing has anything whatsoever to do with the other -- the thing is, the total elapsed time between Augie's link, and the first ever really bitchy political comment left on my blog, was two hours and fifty-three minutes. That's a funny little coinky-dink, innit?

Potpourri

I already mentioned this elsewhere, but I might as well mention it here too: did anyone else notice the little censorship moment on this week's season premiere of The Simpsons? Toward the end, Homer says, "You're still the best cook in this family," and Marge says, "Oh, B.F.D." Only you couldn't hear the "F".

I replayed the line about a dozen times. It wasn't a TiVo glitch, and it didn't sound like a recording error on the part of the network. Fox deliberately muted that one letter. Has the fear of reprisal from the draconian FCC become so rampant that even the initial of a dirty word has to be censored?

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Speaking of censorship, go read Sars' take on the bullshit uproar over ABC's airing of Saving Private Ryan at Tomato Nation. She has crystallized my thoughts eloquently. Or at least, with far fewer curse words than I would've used. The wrong Powell has been forced out of the Bush administration; it's Colin's son Michael, the FCC Chairman, that really needs to go.

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In case you missed the Championship Game of Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown, and were wondering if Dennis Rodman was still a humongous douchebag: rest assured that he most definitely is.

Early in the game, Rodman threw away a losing hand, cards face-down and in the muck. Tournament director Robert Thompson immediately declared Mekhi Phifer winner of the hand. Rodman then got upset, saying his cards should be shown first. Whether Rodman was even aware that his hand was by far the worse hand or not was hard to tell, but when Thompson correctly told him that by throwing his cards away he had forfeited the hand, Rodman tore off his microphone, said, "I'm not even gonna play," and stormed out of the room.

After the commercial break, he came back and sat down again with the other now visibly uncomfortable celebrities, but when he was later eliminated, he made a point of shaking everyone's hand but Thompson's.

What a little bitch. (As much as a nine-foot-tall man can be a "little" bitch.) If he had owned the deck of cards, he would've taken it and gone home. (And if it was all some crazy ploy to rattle the other competitors -- which I highly doubt, but you never know -- it sure backfired; Rodman was eliminated first.)

My prediction for the game couldn't have been much more wrong. I picked Phifer to lose first, as he was by far the worst player (with the possible exception of Rodman), but his crazy luck from the first game held, and he took the grand prize. He just would not fold! How do you win when you play with crappy cards every hand and never ever fold?

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Of interest tonight: the debut of House, the new medical drama on Fox starring Hugh Laurie. Laurie is absolutely wonderful in everything he's ever been in (from Blackadder to Jeeves & Wooster to -- okay, maybe not Stuart Little), but I fear he might be the only thing worth watching in this show. Even if he is, that's still a darn good reason to watch.

Also tonight, the season premiere of The Amazing Race 6. Last season let me down a bit; after the first couple weeks, there wasn't a single team left I could root for. It's fun to have villains to root against; it's not fun when there are only villains. Hopefully the casting is a little more balanced this time. Either way, it remains the best reality show on the air, bar none. (Take that, Littlest Groom!)

Potpourri

The final table of the current Celebrity Poker Showdown series will air this Sunday, with players Matthew Perry, Dennis Rodman, Kevin Nealon, Neil Patrick Harris, and Mekhi Phifer. (The Bravo website conveniently, and possibly unintentionally, but probably not, ranks them in order of celebrity importance, from Ace to Ten.) My prediction: I think Phifer and Nealon got to the finals on pure luck, and will be eliminated first (in that order). Rodman will stick around for a while because of his intimidating persona (and in spite of his erratic play), but in the end, Harris will edge out Perry for the win. Doogie's got skills!

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I finally finished going through all the Farscape episodes I taped during the Sci-Fi Channel's recent marathon. That is one excellent show. But I gotta say, I understand now why the fans were so ticked off about how the series ended when it got cancelled. What a pisser of a cliffhanger! Man, you end it one minute earlier, and it's happily ever after. Well, now I've got the Peacekeeper Wars mini-series queued up and ready to go on my TiVo. It better not end on a cliffhanger!

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I haven't gotten the blockbuster Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas that all the kids are talking about yet, because I'm still trying to finish GTA: Vice City. Partly that's because I'm much less of a gamer than I used to be; last week, when I got back into Vice City again, I was surprised to see my previous saved game was from May. And partly it's because Vice City is so damn big. I finished the main storyline, defeating the Mafia goons trying to take over my territory, and becoming the unchallenged kingpin of Vice City. The end credits rolled and everything. Then I checked the statistics: I had only completed 42% of the game. In one sense, I had finished it, but in another sense, I wasn't even halfway done, what with all the missions, hidden packages, insane stunt jumps, properties, etc. I had yet to discover/explore/complete. Now that is getting your money's worth. And I hear San Andreas is even bigger. I think I may wait for Sony to release the inevitable "Greatest Hits" version for $19.99 before I buy it; no matter how much gameplay is in it, I still think fifty bucks is too damn much to lay down for a video game.

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Found via Pop Culture Junk Mail: there is a blog solely dedicated to the deconstruction of the comic strip "For Better or For Worse". It's For Better or For Worse Strikes Back, and it's a crack-up. Actually, as I examine it more closely, I see the maintainer has recently abandoned the blog, leaving it open to anyone who wants to post about that day's happenings with the Patterson clan. How fun! Much like Hulk's Diary, this is something I wish I had thought of first. Maybe I'll start my own blog about "Rose is Rose". Or "Drabble"!

POTPOURRI

COMICS: Reading the Bone one-volume collection is exhausting. It's 1300 pages long, and thick as a cinder block, and it weighs more than a Thanksgiving turkey stuffed with ball bearings. I've been getting quite a workout just from cracking it open. And the page size is slightly smaller than a regular-sized issue, which means I have to strain my eyes more than usual. This thing's gonna take forever to read. Let me put it in perspective for you: if I read one issue per year, it will take me FIFTY-FIVE YEARS to finish this book.

Yeah. You see what I mean now.

Also, even after the many years it's been since I read the original issues, I can still pick out some of the revisions Jeff Smith has made for this collection. And I'll tell you, I don't mind the odd reworked sentence or two... but all that hardcore porn he added is really jarring. I'm not sure I would've made the same choice, were I in his shoes. Well, to each his own.

Oh, no, wait, I was reading XXXenophile. My mistake.

MOVIES: Tough decision this weekend: The Village, or Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle? Possibly both, if I pull a theater-hopping double feature tomorrow. If I have to choose: White Castle wins. I love M. Night Shyamalan's films, but this one's been getting some bad reviews, and I'm just not as much in the mood for a moody, suspenseful period piece as I am for a stoner comedy.

But the one movie I can't miss this weekend is Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism. I'm not even sure how, because I thought Murdoch had gotten an injunction against this film, but it's playing at my local theater on Sunday, one show only. It's all about how Murdoch blatantly uses Fox News as a promotional tool for the Republican party, with stolen footage from Fox News illustrating exactly how they advance that right wing agenda (which is why there is/was an injunction against it). From what I hear, the documentary as a whole is fairly amateurish, but when it gets to the Fox News footage, it's stunning. I can't wait.

TV: Celebrity Poker Showdown next week features Amy Poehler. I love Amy Poehler. That is all.

TV: Too much of a good thing

I love TV Poker. I love that it's everywhere right now, so much so that it's pissing off non-Poker fans. I love that at almost any given time of day, I can find Poker on the dial, whether it be the World Series of Poker on ESPN or ESPN2, the World Poker Tour on the Travel Channel, Late Night Poker on Fox Sports Net, Celebrity Poker Showdown on Bravo, Dogs Playing Poker on the Animal Channel, Liquor in the Front, Poker in the Rear on the Food Network, Hitler's Deadliest Poker Games on the History Channel, For the Last Goddam Time, Anna Nicole, a Flush Beats a Pair of Fives on E!...

Okay, I'm making up some of those. But Poker is everywhere. And now, as if there weren't enough televised card games already, GSN (formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken) recently added the World Series of Blackjack. Hell, Blackjack is barely interesting when I'm playing it, and the way the tournament is set up, whatever fun might've been had is forcibly removed. There's a set number of hands played (30, I believe), and limits are set on the maximum bets allowed, so everyone plays this incredibly dull, conservative, chip-conscious game, where, unless you bet really foolishly and actually lose all your chips early on, nothing matters until about the last three hands. And yet, I still enjoy watching it.

I didn't think there was a card game you could put on TV that I wouldn't watch.

Until GSN came up with Celebrity Blackjack.

Sweet, merciful Zeus, is this a train wreck! And not the exciting, exploding, twisted steel, bodies flung from windows into orphanages kind of can't-look-away train wreck. This is a train wreck with Jamie Kennedy and Eddie Griffin trading alleged "wisecracks", Hal Sparks thinking of his hilarious appearance in Spider-Man 2 and pretending not to be humiliated, Dean Cain gamely tolerating MAD TV's Alex Borstein cracking Lois & Clark jokes old enough to join the AARP, Melissa Joan Hart appearing to be in actual physical pain from adding up her cards kind of train wreck, which means this is the kind of train wreck where you have to shield your eyes, plug your ears, stick your head in the sand, and pray the world is enveloped in nuclear fire before you have to watch one more second.

If that sounds bad, consider that "Hollywood" Dave Stann, the single most obnoxious card player in the world, and the reason why watching the regular World Series of Blackjack was often a chore, serves as the dealer in Celebrity Blackjack. Which means his inflated ego is in direct competition for screentime and quip quotient with celebrities who didn't make the cut for Celebrity Mole, and are therefore fighting for attention as though their very celebrity lives depended on it (which they do). It's a pissing match in which you are the receptacle. And if that sounds unpleasant, trust me: the reality is much, much worse.

People: "Stuttering John" is one of the "celebrities" on this series. Fortunately, I didn't have the displeasure of witnessing that episode -- I could barely watch the one episode I ran across, let alone the entire six (I think) episode tournament. But when "Stuttering John" is elevated to "celebrity" status, it's time to turn off the lights and lock the door behind you. This show is a travesty on the level of Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?, only, if we're all very, very lucky, no one will remember Celebrity Blackjack five years from now, not even the participants.

I didn't care for it, is what I'm saying.

TV: Aces and eights, baby, aces and eights

Tonight it's all about the poker. Ideally, I've got a real-life poker game to attend, but since Schleprock has better luck than I do, the plans'll probably fall apart. Thankfully, I have an emergency back-up plan in place: Celebrity Poker Showdown on Bravo.

Tonight is the two-hour final table, in which the winners from the previous rounds compete for the grand prize for their charities. Also, I've got last week's episode still unwatched on my TiVo. Sadly, I already know who won that game (if you don't know, I won't spoil it for you, but her initials are Maura Tierney), but I'll watch the sumbitch anyway.

Tonight's final table consists of Rosario Dawson (who should be first eliminated, if there's any justice; she's a terrible player, who got very, very lucky), Dule Hill (who also was incredibly lucky, but still had a certain amount of skill as well), Michael Ian Black (who beat Norm McDonald in the best episode so far this season), Lauren Graham (whom I love, and will be rooting for), and Maura. Who, hey, I just realized! She was host Dave Foley's girlfriend on NewsRadio, one of my favorite sitcoms ever. Funny I didn't make that connection until just now.

Speaking of Dave: what's the over/under on how drunk he's going to be tonight? I'm saying drunk enough to forget Maura Tierney's name, and to make an ass of himself by interrupting the game, but not quite drunk enough to pick a fight with giant co-host Phil Gordon. Seriously, that guy's gotta be nine feet tall.