Sunday, December 23, 2007

aka GOLD, FRANKINCENSE, AND MYRRH-DER

Alternate titles for my impending Jesus murder rampage movie:

THE BODY COUNT AND BLOOD LUST OF CHRIST

THE SECOND CARVING

LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST MACHETE

CHRIST THE SLAYER

DO UNTO OTHERS... WITH A CHAINSAW

PRINCE OF PIECES

JESUS OF NAZA-DEATH

VIVISECTED ARE THE MEEK

O COME LET US ABHOR HIM

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (already taken)

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO STAB-YOU

JESUS IS TOTALLY GOING TO HIT YOU IN THE FACE WITH AN AXE



Off to Colorado early tomorrow morning for Christmas. I'll be back in Austin for New Year's Eve. I've kind of dropped the ball on making my year-end top ten lists for TV and movies. Maybe I'll get to it in early '08. Anyhoo, Merry Christmas, if you're into the whole baby Jesus thing, and Happy New Year!

Friday, December 21, 2007

NAUGHTY!!!

Quick impressions of Silent Night, Deadly Night immediately after watching it at the Alamo Drafthouse:

--The "Blood Nog" was viscous and blood red, and filled with unidentifiable squishy chunks. I drank it all, and immediately regretted it.

--My buddy Forrest and I also snuck in a pint of Jack Daniels, which helped scour the bad taste of the Blood Nog from my mouth. The pitcher of Lagunitas IPA to wash it down didn't hurt, either.

--The movie was way crazier and more hilarious than I remember it being in high school. Also, still very very disturbing. As any movie with Santa Claus raping and murdering a mother of two children is bound to be.

--In fact, I remember renting this video when I was a sophomore in high school, and inviting a couple of friends over to watch it. They were so grossed out, they actually made me turn it off.

--The point at which they made me turn it off, which is also the highlight of the film: when scream queen Linnea Quigley, topless and wearing cutoff Lee Jeans shorts, gets impaled on the antlers of a stuffed reindeer head.

--Actually, the highlight of the film may come a couple minutes later, when Linnea Quigley's younger sister comes downstairs to talk to Santa Claus. She tells him she's been good, and he gives her a gift: a bloody boxcutter, which he previously used to murder the object of his affection.

--Me, in the theater, when that happened: "Well, now she's got something to open her other presents with!"

--At that point, I probably had had the equivalent of four shots of Jack Daniels. Cut me some slack.

--The psychological abuse which the main character, Billy, aka the Santa Claus Killer, endures throughout this film is truly epic. When he's maybe five years old, he witnesses his father getting shot in the head, and his mother getting raped and her throat slit by a freak wearing a Santa Claus outfit. When he's a few years older, and living in a Catholic orphanage, the Mother Superior punishes him brutally for drawing violent Christmas pictures, and for spying on a couple having sex. I'm sure that's not going to come back and haunt him!!!

--Final line, after crazy Billy/Santa Claus is shot before he can put an axe through Mother Superior's face, as uttered by a bystanding orphan: "NAUGHTY!!!" I smell sequel!

--The host of Terror Thursday, while introducing the film, said that they were showing a Santa Claus murder rampage movie around Christmas because there's no such thing as a Jesus murder rampage movie.

--YET. Forrest and I decided to make one ourselves after the movie was over. I've already come up with the title, and I tell you it on the understanding that I will sue the shit out of you if you steal it.

--The title: GOLD, FRANKINCENSE, AND MYRRH-DER.

--Look for it Christmas 2009. Tagline: "Jesus is risen... and this time, it's PERSONAL!"

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Austin and eBay

Here is a very important reason why I love Austin so much: tonight at the Alamo Drafthouse, a FREE midnight showing of the infamous horror classic, Silent Night, Deadly Night.

He knows when you've been naughty

Includes free "Blood Nog" for all patrons! I'm so there. I remember this twisted flick warping my fragile little mind way back in high school. Can't wait to see it again!

And stuff like this goes on several times a week at the various Drafthouse theaters, which is precisely why it's the greatest theater chain in the world.



Meanwhile: two more eBay listings.

BLACK ORCHID MINISERIES SIGNED BY NEIL GAIMAN AND DAVE MCKEAN

GRANT MORRISON'S COMPLETE RUN ON ANIMAL MAN, INCLUDING FIRST ISSUE SIGNED BY MORRISON

My last two eBay listings aren't attracting much bidding yet. Maybe this is just a bad time of year for auctions. (In fact, I just realized these two new auctions will end on Christmas! I think I'm going to change that. Hmmm... looks like I can't extend the auction. Oops.)

On the other hand, maybe people just don't want those comics. Well, there's still almost two days to go on them, we'll see.

Monday, December 17, 2007

BUY SOME MORE OF MY COMICS! DO IT!!!

Hey folks. Now, I don't want to turn this blog into a space where I just shill my eBay listings... that said, here are two new eBay listings.

BATMAN: THE LONG HALLOWEEN COMPLETE SERIES

DOOM PATROL -- GRANT MORRISON'S COMPLETE RUN, INCLUDING DEBUT ISSUE SIGNED BY MORRISON

Great for last minute Xmas shopping, and also great for giving me some cash so I can do some last minute Xmas shopping!

Friday, December 14, 2007

In other news: DUH.

Sky blue. Water wet. Jodie Foster gay.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

HEY COMICS PEOPLE! BUY MY COMICS!

I need to thin out my gigantic comics collection, and make a little holiday cash, so I just listed my first items ever for sale on the eBay!

SANDMAN COMPLETE SERIES, TWO ISSUES SIGNED BY NEIL GAIMAN AND MIKE DRINGENBERG

PREACHER COMPLETE SERIES (ALMOST)

Other runs of comics will join these soon fairly soon (including much Vertigo bounty: Grant Morrison's complete Doom Patrol, Garth Ennis' run on Hellblazer, the complete Animal Man, the complete Shade The Changing Man, the first forty or fifty issues or so of Y: The Last Man and Fables, and so on) once I get a bit more organized. If you have any questions about these sales (or any suggestions/critiques on how I'm selling them), hey, leave me a comment or fling me an email. And if you have any spare Xmas cash earmarked for yourself or a loved one -- buy my comics!!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The AV Club's Best Music of 2007

For the third year in a row, it's time for me to take a look at The AV Club's list of the best music of the year, and break it down according to my staggering ignorance of modern music.

I find that I'm actually slightly more aware of the artists in this year's list than in previous years. Not a lot, but still. Partly this is due to people recommending music to me in comments to those previous posts, and while I haven't become a huge fan of pretty much any of these acts, I at least checked out some of their songs and gave them a chance. If I still spent much money on music, instead of buying one album every two or three months, I probably would buy, say, the new Wilco, or give Spoon more of a chance, or whatever. But I don't, so I won't. But hey, at least my awareness levels are increasing.

Here we go:

Never Heard Of Them

Against Me!, New Wave
Bat For Lashes, Fur And Gold
Grinderman, Grinderman
James Murphy & Pat Mahoney, FabricLive 36
Jesu, Conqueror
Les Savy Fav, Let's Stay Friends
M.I.A., Kala
The National, Boxer

Only Heard Of Them Because They Appeared In Previous AV Club Lists

Band Of Horses, Cease To Begin
Bloc Party, A Weekend In The City
Iron & Wine, The Shepherd's Dog
LCD Soundsystem, Sound Of Silver

Heard Of Them, But Not Sure When Or How

Fall Out Boy, Infinity On High
Low, Drums And Guns

Heard Of Them, Even Though I Picture t.A.T.u. When I Hear Their Name

Tegan And Sara, The Con

Heard Of Them, Even Though At First I Was Confusing Them With Neko Case

Rilo Kiley, Under The Blacklight

Heard Of Them, And Am Somewhat Favorably Disposed Toward Them, Despite Not Owning Any Of Their Albums

PJ Harvey, White Chalk
Spoon, Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
The White Stripes, Icky Stump
Wilco, Sky Blue Sky

Heard Of Them, And Just Do NOT Get Why ANYBODY Listens To Them, Seriously

Arcade Fire, Neon Bible
Modest Mouse, We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank
Radiohead, In Rainbows

Heard Of Them, And Made Fun Of Them In My Last Post

Amy Winehouse, Back To Black

Actually Own The Album, And Love It

Ted Leo, Living With The Living



As always, please feel free to offer suggestions as to which of these albums I really should be paying more attention to, which I can safely continue to ignore, and which 2007 albums aren't on this list, but maybe should be.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

A brief return to state some obvious things

Hopefully I can get back to more regular posting soon, but for now, I'm just getting everything out of my system at once. Enjoy! Or don't. I'm not the boss of you.



--The movie Hot Rod is stupid as hell. Really, really goddam stupid. It's just plain ol' bad, from beginning to end. And not bad in the way other Lorne Michaels-produced movies in the recent past have been bad -- like, say, Tommy Boy or Black Sheep, which somehow, through repeated viewings on Comedy Central when you're too lazy or depressed to change the channel, eventually worm their way into your good graces through the irrepressible benign mania of Chris Farley, the easy interplay between him and David Spade, or simply the poignancy of Farley's untimely demise. And not bad like A Night at the Roxbury or Superstar or The Ladies Man, which at least have the redeeming presence of Will Ferrell, before he hit it big. No, Hot Rod is bad like poison. It's Beverly Hills Ninja bad. Yeah -- that bad. This is a movie that not only wastes the hilarious energy of the super-hot (and recently anointed MILF-hot) Isla Fisher in a thankless straight-man (or straight-woman, I guess) role, it not only depletes the reservoir of goodwill Andy Samberg had built up via his brilliant SNL Digital Shorts -- it also sullies the reputations of Ian McShane, whose turn as Al Swearengen on Deadwood, I will boldly state, may very well be the greatest performance in the history of serialized television, and that of six-time Oscar nominee (and one-time winner) Sissy Spacek as well. Bad enough to drag the very funny Bill Hader, Chris Parnell, and Will Arnett into this unfunny morass, but how in the frick can you justify staining Sissy Spacek's career as well? (By the same token, how in the frick can Sissy Spacek have said yes?)

--I wasn't kidding about No Country For Old Men being the best movie of the year. I had a bit of an argument with the person I saw it with -- he didn't much care for it, and thought it would be disregarded as a minor film in the future. Whereas I loved ever thrilling, nail-biting, stomach-churning, edge-of-your-seat second of it, and believe it will surpass Fargo as the commonly acknowledged masterpiece of the Coen brothers (or, at the very least, take up a close second spot). Do yourself a favor and see it.

--Tila Tequila is ugly as shit.

Shot of penicillin, more like.

Now, it's probably unfair of someone as handsome as I am (seriously, ask anyone) to pick on the less genetically-blessed such as Ms. Tequila (if that is her real name, which it isn't). But when she's got a show on MTV premised on her overpowering desirability to both sexes, I have to speak up. Winning the companionship of Tila Tequila is not a reward worthy of building a reality show around. It is a punishment which should be reserved for the deepest levels of hell. She's ugly, son, is what I'm saying. She is butt fugly. Ew. Just, no. And that's not even taking into consideration the CDC-alert levels of toxic contamination percolating in the petri dish she conceals within her G-string.

--Amy Winehouse is a fucking disaster zone.

White lines, running through my mind

Not like you didn't know that, but then, check the post title. I don't think anyone out there is harboring any kind of romantic attraction toward this hot mess -- and if you are, why? This is about as presentable as she gets. Not that a female singer is required to be attractive -- what kind of sexist do you think I am? (Still, even Mama Cass knew how to use a hairbrush... but I digress.) But, speaking of her singing, my point is: does anybody actually listen to it? I know I don't, and I know that not one single person I am acquainted with does. And yet, she's up for six Grammys. Is a public self-destruction plastered all over the tabloids really all it takes to get Grammy love these days? Apparently yes.

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