Sunday, January 16, 2005

TV: Minute-by-Minute at the 2005 Golden Globes Pre-Show

7:00 -- Live! Everywhere but in the time zone in which it actually occurs! Because we can't have anything nice! It's the Golden Globes Arrival Special!

7:01 -- Host Al Roker makes a bit of a Freudian slip: "This red carpet is like no other in Hollywood, or the world. It's failed with more of your favorite stars than any other awards show." Yes, he said "failed," not "filled." Oopsie! He then says the word "bling" about 87 times in ten seconds.

7:02 -- Nancy O'Dell talks to an unusually, and blessedly, restrained and serious Robin Williams. Michael Chiklis loiters creepily in the background.

7:05 -- William H. Macy resists smacking Lisa Ling in the mouth for being the 8,000th person to ask him, "What's it like being married to a desperate housewife?"

7:06 -- O'Dell talks to Clint Eastwood, whose daughter Kathryn is this year's "Miss Golden Globe," and who could not look more terrified to be there. I'm sure Clint hopes Kathryn has as illustrious a career as her older sister, Alison:

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7:07 -- Sandra Oh is married to Alexander Payne? That may be the most irrelevant thing I have ever been shocked to hear.

7:08 -- Laura Linney appears on my TV screen, and if I had something to say about it, she would never leave. She could be in a little box in the corner, even during, like, Spongebob Squarepants, or the Super Bowl. Good lord she's lovely.

7:08 -- Ling says, "Back to you, Al." He says, "Thanks a lot, Nancy." Oopsie again!

7:09 -- Now it's Marcia Cross. Holy crow she is gorgeous. She and Laura can take turns in the little box. (That sounds strangely dirty.)

7:12 -- Ling says to Emmy Rossum, "You are absolutely love you -- lovely." Lisa Ling likes the ladies! Bomp chicka bow bow!

7:12 -- There's Cate Blanchett. Okay, Laura in the upper left corner of the TV screen, Marcia in the upper right, Cate in the lower left, and a draft pick to be named later in the lower right.

7:14 -- Roker calls Ling "Nancy" again. Seriously, after the first time, nobody could be bothered to correct him?

7:27 -- Aaaaand there's Minnie Driver, who also always needs to be on my TV. You know what? Forget the TV. Bring me those four women! And a flagon of ale! And... maybe an electric pencil sharpener. My last one broke. And two hard boiled eggs!

7:28 -- Ling asks Driver what it was like singing in Phantom of the Opera, and Driver has to inform her that her singing voice was dubbed (except for the song over the end credits). Awkward!

7:33 -- Not to be outdone for awkwardness, O'Dell asks Natalie Portman what her parents thought of her playing a stripper in Closer, and Portman squeamishly answers that her parents are there at the Globes. Way to make them all feel comfortable, Nancy!

7:46 -- Every time I see Charlie Sheen, I always have to wonder: what the hell has happened to the Vez?

7:51 -- Favorite moment so far: Ling introduces Patricia Arquette, "and her fiancee, Thomas." Neglecting to mention that he is in fact actor Thomas Jane. Jane looks comically hurt by the snub.

7:59 -- Roker, O'Dell, and Ling gather to kill the last 30 seconds before the main show. And guess what? Awkward.

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