Thursday, August 23, 2007

Objects of My Affection A to Z

It's yet another Abecedarian List! First was Awesome Stuff of any variety, A to Z. Next was Awesome Albums, A to Z. And now -- inevitably, really -- we come to the Objects of My Affection, A to Z. Hoopla!

Degree of difficulty: moderate to high. I'm not reusing any of the former Objects of My Affection from my sidebar, which rules out an awful lot of the loveliest women in the world. Sorry, Angelina! And I'm not going to reuse anyone I've already named in one of my Abecedarian Lists. Which means no Zooey Deschanel for Z. Dagnabbit! And I gotta tell you, X was tough. I almost cheated and went with a fictional character -- which would be Xena, Warrior Princess, of course.

I expect you will consider this list either sexy and rewarding, or sexist and insulting. So: You're welcome, or: I'm sorry.

And now, enjoy these 26 lovely ladies! (If you are someone who does not enjoy lovely ladies, go look at those pictures of Zac Efron again, I guess.)

Aishwarya Rai
A Bollywood-style dance number broke out while I was writing this.
Roger Ebert: "Not only the first but also the second most beautiful woman in the world."

Bijou Phillips
50/50 chance that she is batshit insane. Which is hot.
Specialty: nude scenes that kind of make you want to die (see Bully, Havoc).

Claudia Black
Love that nose!
Hottest multiple sci-fi franchise actress since Denise Crosby went from Next Generation to Lois & Clark. How's that for obscure?

Angie Dickinson
Yes, Angie did this pose before Britney.
One of the few broads tough enough to hang with the Rat Pack.

Elle Macpherson
So hot she can't be bothered with capitalizing the P in her last name. SHE makes the rules!
Four Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue covers, plus Sirens. Seriously, have you seen Sirens? Sexiest movie in history.

Tina Fey
Not just hot: NERD hot.
Glasses and cleavage: best combo since peanut butter and chocolate.

Grace Kelly
Princes get all the babes.
As I've said before: the most beautiful woman ever to have lived.

Audrey Hepburn
My huckleberry friend.
Beautiful enough to turn Truman Capote straight (if only the fictionalized version of him).

Illeana Douglas
I don't think "saucer-eyed" or "whippet-like" are quite the compliments some internet fans of Ms. Douglas seem to think they are.
Her "unconventional beauty," with which she is sometimes attributed, would've made for a hell of a femme fatale in the noir classics of the '30s.

Judy Greer
It's the last time you'll see THESE!
Specialty: meek girls with a wild streak waiting to be unleashed.

Keri Russell
Recipient of the haircut that almost doomed the WB. Which doesn't actually exist anymore, come to think of it.

Liv Tyler
Talk Elvish to me, baby!
How is it that she looks so much like her father, yet he's so ugly and she's so gorgeous?

Marilyn Monroe
Goodbye Norma Jean. And helloooooo, nurse!!
The ultimate sex goddess.

Nancy Allen
Undressed to kill.
Brian De Palma muse; RoboCop's partner. That's right: I can work RoboCop into any discussion.

Olivia d'Abo
Made her film debut in Bo Derek's Bolero, in which she appeared nude. When she was FIFTEEN. Yikes!
Kevin Arnold's hot hippie sister on The Wonder Years, and lead actress in one of my favorite movies, Noah Baumbach's Kicking and Screaming.

Parker Posey
Let's pretend that Pepsi commerical with Jimmy Fallon never happened.
Queen of Independent Film; she's always adorable, even when she's totally nuts.

Linnea Quigley
Do you wanna party? It's party time!
Scream Queen legend, whose immortality is guaranteed as "Trash," the punk girl/naked cemetery dancer in Return of the Living Dead.

Rebecca Romijn
Way to kick Stamos to the curb!
Super hot even when she's painted blue in X-Men; I prefer the natural look.

Melissa Stark
She's that hot, AND she's into football. If she knows how to brew beer, I'm in love.
Won my heart as a sideline reporter for Monday Night Football; later became an MSNBC anchor. Current whereabouts: unknown.

Tuesday Weld
I wanna love somebody, I hear you need somebody to love.
One of The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis; Matthew Sweet album cover girl; icon.

Uma Thurman
This is Venus. The goddess. MY WIFE.
Her 1988 one-two punch in Dangerous Liaisons (in which John Malkovich promises to teach her "a few Latin phrases"), and as Venus in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, made a permanent impression on my teenage heart (and libido).

Valerie Perrine
Well, I suggest a vigorous chest massage, and if that doesn't work... mouth-to-mouth.
From her performance as porn star Montana Wildhack in Slaughterhouse-Five, to her taboo-shattering nude scenes on public television in Steambath, to her Oscar-nominated role as Lenny Bruce's stripper wife in Lenny, to, yes, Miss Teschmacher in Superman, she was one of the defining figures in 1970s film sexuality. I miss that decade.

Alicia Witt
Witt is Hott.
Went from roles in David Lynch projects as a teen to Alexander Payne and John Waters as an adult. Not bad. Also: that red hair = smokin' hot.

Xenia Seeberg
Thanks for making me watch Lexx, Lew!
Lingerie model and actress in the sci-fi series Lexx, which is one weird and sexy show.

Yvonne Craig
Holy crap, Batman!
Next to Julie Newmar's Catwoman, the main reason I watched Batman as a kid.

Sheri Moon Zombie
Living Dead Sexy Girl.
As Baby in The Devil's Rejects, she's the hottest film psycho since Kathy Bates. Wait... make that Norman Bates. Wait... oh, forget it.

This is still fun for me, but I think I have to take a bit of a break from the Abecedarian Lists. Don't want to burn out on them! Maybe another one in a couple of weeks.

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