Tom stops pretending that he's given up on the Emmys -- Part the Last

Part 1.
Part 2.
Part 3.

Phil Keoghan and Jeff Probst present the coolest "Emmy Idol" tune of the night. The Shat intones his legendary spiel from Star Trek, and then some woman (a mezzo-soprano, according to Phil, and I'm going to have to take his word on that) sings the instrumental. Sings the instrumental! Bizarre. [EDIT: I had always thought that was an electronic instrument of some sort in the original theme song, but someone tells me that it's actually a vocal track. Whatever.]

Mariska Hargitay comes out to present the Best Miniseries award, and say what you will about Patricia Arquette, it's still better than Mariska winning. For Christ's sake, if you can't find a better actress than her to nominate, then you just ain't looking that hard.

Speaking of Patricia: with the Best Actress in a Drama award not yet presented, the local CBS station teases its 11:00 news show with a shot of Patricia Arquette holding her Emmy. I already knew she'd win, but on behalf of everyone who watched it live, who did not know: thanks a pantsload, CBS! Dumbasses.

There's a long bit celebrating the holy triumvirate of news anchors: Jennings, Brokaw, and Rather. It's nice, but I'm getting burnt out, here. Let's get to the big awards, so I can start getting really mad!

"Every young girl dreams of winning an Emmy, and I was no exception." Conan O'Brien needs to host the Oscars.

He presents Best Actress in a Comedy, which of course goes to Felicity Huffman for Desperate Housewives (not a comedy!!). But I like her, so I'll let it slide. Actually, of the major awards, this was the most deserving win. She's just great. Even if she's not in a comedy!! Maybe if I pretend real hard, I can imagine she's winning for Sports Night instead. Hey, she even thanks Aaron Sorkin! And she describes her husband as "the incomparable William H. Macy." What an odd way to put it.

James Spader almost puts me to sleep from the other room with his dull monotone. And here it is, he's presenting Best Actress in a Drama. Oh, man, I can't watch. I can't watch!

I watched. God damn it, what is wrong with you people? I don't even really like Six Feet Under, but at least I know Frances Conroy is ten times more deserving than Arquette. And hello, any of you ever heard of Glenn frickin' Close?? This is a ridiculous glitch. This is just wrong, this is so very very wrong. I can't even listen to her give her speech. Fast forward!

Uh-oh! It's time for the Parade of the Dead! Clap for your favorites! Anne Bancroft takes an early lead, followed by Ossie Davis. Rodney Dangerfield makes a strong showing, but James Doohan pushes ahead by a nose. And here comes Bob Denver on the outside! Down the stretch it's Christopher Reeve by a length, followed by Bob Denver, and at the wire -- it's Jerry Orbach! Jerry Orbach is this year's most popular dead celebrity (TV category)!! As always, thank you for that classy moment, Emmys.

Sela Ward and Craig Ferguson, of all people, present the award for Best Actor in a Comedy. Tony Shalhoub wins. Have any of the voters even watched Monk since the first season? It's just terrible now. This is another major screw-up. Jason Bateman should've taken this, or at least Zach Braff. Shalhoub is just wrong.

Not as wrong as what comes next. Charles S. Dutton comes out to present the biggest fucking mistake of the night. It's not his fault, though. I forgive him. James Spader wins for Best Actor in a Drama. I can't even muster the anger required to respond to that. Seriously, I feel the burn, but I can't focus it into words. Here is what I want to write: IAN MCSHANE!!! IAN FUCKING MCSHANE YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!!! And that's just not very constructive, is it? It's not even angry in a funny way. It's just such a blatantly obvious choice that needs to be made here, and they miss it so completely. Hell, even Hugh Laurie for House -- that would've been less than ideal, but it would've been understandable. But James Spader? Over Al fucking Swearengen? No. Just -- no.

Ellen Degeneres returns -- oh yeah, she's hosting this show, isn't she? She's mostly been going through a series of incredibly lame gags involving the guy who monitors how long the show is running over. She's been kind of a non-entity for this thing, which is too bad. She can be so funny, but she just let herself get steered into very unfunny behind-the-scenes skits, instead of just telling jokes onstage like she should have. Oh, and this "Emmy Idol" thing (Donald Trump wins, by the way). Better luck next time, Ellen. If there is one.

Oh, goddam it! Here comes Whoopi. HATRED. She's with Hugh Jackman to present Best Drama. She's so awful! (Have I mentioned that?) She is the extremely dangerous and volatile opposite of comedy. She is anti-comedy. If comedy and Whoopi Goldberg were ever to touch, the resulting explosion would destroy the greater Los Angeles area.

Lost wins. If Deadwood has to lose, at least it loses to another of my favorite shows. I love Lost, it's fantastic. But Deadwood is so far beyond it, it's like... two other things of uneven quality. I can't think of an appropriate metaphor right now. I'm tired!

And at long last, the final award: Best Comedy goes to Everybody Loves Raymond. It's the sentimental award, which is always the worst reason to give an award -- if it was that good to begin with, you would've given it an Emmy before it went off the air! -- and it takes away the honor from the much more deserving Arrested Development or Scrubs. [EDIT: I had assumed Raymond had not won for Best Comedy before, but it actually won in 2003. Also, Ray Romano won for Best Actor in 2002. Ray Romano?? He's the center of the show, but come on, he is not the best actor of any year. Hell, he's barely an actor, period.] But at least it upset Desperate Housewives, which was favored to win. And which -- have I mentioned? -- is not a comedy!!

My TiVo cuts the show off before they can make their acceptance speech, which is a small mercy. Well, this was one of the very worst non-MTV-affiliated awards shows I've ever seen, both in quality of execution and in the recipients of the awards. And yet, I hung on every minute. (Almost.) I'm a weak man. And I'll be back next year!