COMICS: Wed. 1/12/05

Hero Squared: Keith Giffen has always been hit-and-miss with me, more often miss. But I really enjoyed this comic. Maybe it's his pairing with J.M. DeMatteis that elevates it (I don't know, I can't say I'm very familiar with DeMatteis). Or maybe it's because it's an original creation, unburdened with DC continuity. But I liked the characters, I liked the story (even though it sounds exactly like the plot of some movie I can't think of right now -- seriously, isn't there some movie just like this? Hero from another dimension crosses into our dimension to find his non-superpowered counterpart? No? Maybe I dreamed it), I liked the pop culture banter, and I laughed a number of times. (Like at the newspaper headline: "Bush Signs Literacy Bill -- Misspells Name.") The art is enjoyable, but rough; much like Phil Foglio's Girl Genius, it looks like xeroxes were made directly from the pencils, skipping the inking stage. And the cover, by Giffen, is tremendously ugly. It looks like he drew it with his wrong hand while on hold with the cable company.

Shaolin Cowboy: Not much story here, is there? Just beautiful, beautiful carnage. Geof Darrow's artwork is so exquisitely detailed, it took me several minutes to absorb one panel. Of course, it was an eight-page long panel, but still. The more I looked, the more I found to admire. But there's not much to the comic. It sure takes a different tack from all those first issues that are nothing but set-up, set-up, set-up. This drops us right into the middle of a completely unfathomable situation, with bizarre characters, and explains nothing. I liked it.

What If Aunt May Had Died Instead Of Uncle Ben?: A leftover from last week. It escaped my notice that Ed Brubaker had written it. I picked it up this week, and much like the other What Ifs... eh. It was a nice gimmick, framing it as a conversation between comic shop denizens, but the story overall didn't work for me. The circumstances under which Uncle Ben wound up in jail were a little too forced and contrived for me to buy. Just didn't care for it.

The Pulse: Yet another issue in which Jessica Jones bumbles around hysterically, saying, "I have no idea what's going on with this Secret War thing!" Well, neither do we, sister, and guess what? I'm now officially pissed off. This title is dropped. P.S.: The art sucked, too.

Fables: The end of the four-issue holding pattern, which I've actually been enjoying a great deal. A year has passed since Snow gave birth, and we learn there's a seventh baby she didn't know about. Hmm... seven? Seven children, very young, very short... you might even say they're dwarf-like in stature. Funny. Much as I've enjoyed these change-of-pace issues, I'll be glad to see what's going on with Bigby again (hopefully next issue).

The Punisher: Frank gets taken down by Mini-Lee. (Lee, Bruce.) What a revoltin' development. I still don't get what the plane-hijacking has to do with anything. I don't know if I'm missing something, or if it's just the muddled mess it seems to me. Whatever. As long as Nick Fury appears, grousing about the time he's wasting when he could be with his whores, I'm a happy reader.

Marvel Team-Up: I really liked the last issue. This one was a mess. The disparate plot threads are distracting and annoying, not intriguing. I'll stick around for the end of the storyline, but if things don't pick up in those two issues, I'll probably be dropping this title, too.

Haven't read yet: a Dan Slott two-fer, She-Hulk and Spider-Man/Human Torch. I'm really looking forward to the Ty Templeton art in the latter.

MOVIES: Top Ten

I lied again. Today's top ten list is movies, not comics.

Wow, I saw a lot more movies this year than I thought I had. According to this list, these are all the films I saw in 2004 whose first theatrical release in America was during this calendar year. The ones I saw first on DVD or TV are marked with an asterisk. (Links go to my original review of the film, where applicable.)

We'll start with my ten best first:

1. Fahrenheit 9/11
   The most powerful, infuriating, chilling, and yes, important film of the year. I wish more of the people filling the seats for Passion of the Christ had seen this film instead, and had opened their hearts and their eyes to the real pain, the real horror, the real suffering happening to real people, right now.



2. Hero
   Epic in scale and emotion, this martial arts masterpiece was ceaselessly thrilling to behold. I look forward to seeing the current release House of Flying Daggers by the same director, which is, by all accounts, even better.



3. The Incredibles
   I can't believe an animated film better than Shrek 2 came along this year. That's a good year for animation. This is simply a great movie, not just a great cartoon.



4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
   Ceaselessly amazing in its visual inventiveness and its unflinching look at the power -- and the pain -- of love. Anyone who still denies Jim Carrey's acting prowess after seeing this film deserves a poke in the eye.



5. Spider-Man 2
   Is it the best superhero movie ever made, as Roger Ebert claims? Could be, could be. Only the original two Supermans even come close. It was certainly a giant leap forward for the genre, investing as much attention in its characters as in its spectacular action sequences.



6. Kill Bill Vol. 2
   The ultra-violence took a back seat to character development this time around, but that just meant more opportunities for the trademark Tarantino dialogue to flow. Super-cool, as are all things QT, but with an emotional resonance he's never before achieved.



7. Shaun of the Dead
   A great comedy and a great horror film, with surprisingly touching dramatic moments interspersed throughout the laughter and gore.



8. The Dreamers*
   I've tried before to write my review of Bernardo Bertolucci's wonderful film, but words failed me. It's a chronicle of cultural revolution, cinematic revolution, and sexual revolution. It's beautiful, it's ethereal, it's provocative, it's compelling, it's smart and seductive and it's the most erotic thing to hit the screens this year -- every word of which applies as equally to the film as it does to its breathtaking leading lady, Eva Green, making her transcendent film debut. She's as luminous and electric as Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, as Grace Kelly in Rear Window, as Kim Novak in Vertigo. But with copious amounts of nudity.



9. Shrek 2
   Funny, touching, exciting, beautiful, even better than the original, with a great vocal performance by Jennifer Saunders as the Fairy Godmother nearly stealing the movie from that big green ogre.



10. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
    The funniest movie of the year. Will Ferrell is unquestionably the new king of comedy.

TIED FOR ELEVENTH PLACE

Dawn Of The Dead
Best straight-up horror movie of the year, with incredible special effects and action, and an ending true to the zombie genre.

Garden State
The first half deserves to make the top ten; the second half kept it out. Still a tremendous debut film from Zach Braff.

Spartan*
A truly smart and suspenseful thriller, from writer-director David Mamet, with Val Kilmer showing he still knows how to act.

Team America: World Police
Another contender for funniest movie of the year, just edged out by Anchorman.

The Terminal
Spielberg and Hanks, together again. Funny and sweet, but with a miscalculated romantic plot with Catherine Zeta-Jones gumming up the works.

ALSO WORTHY

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Mean Girls*
The Punisher*

PROBABLY COULD'VE WAITED FOR THE DVD

Broken Lizard's Club Dread
The Bourne Supremacy
Hellboy
Starsky & Hutch

WISELY DID WAIT FOR THE DVD

50 First Dates*
Eurotrip*
Home On The Range*
The Lion King 1 1/2*
Man on Fire*
Napoleon Dynamite*
Taking Lives*

THE WORST PIECE OF CRAP OF THE YEAR (TIE)

The Butterfly Effect*
The Grudge

POTPOURRI

I've been going very slowly through the Essential Amazing Spider-Man Vol. 6 collection, because, despite the fact that I think these stories may represent the height of Spidey's comic book popularity, encompassing many landmark events (like Gwen Stacy's death and the introduction of the Punisher), and may well be the era during which most long-term comics fans were first introduced to the character (I know the first issues I ever read as a kid are contained in this book)... where was I going with this?

Oh, yeah, despite how popular and iconic these issues are, they are just horribly, horribly, horribly written. Gerry Conway has to be one of the very worst writers in the history of comics. And I say that even with the painful memories of Todd McFarlane's Spider-Man still poisoning some small corner of my mind.

But what's worse, the way Conway writes Spider-Man, Spidey comes off as a world class asshole. He's always snubbing his friends, insulting Mary Jane when she's trying to cheer him up, abandoning his best friend Harry, who's in heroin withdrawal and whose father has recently been killed. But what's more, rather than stopping crime, he exacerbates it, actively preventing super-villains from curing themselves of their powers.

In two comics released the very same month (cover dated June, 1974), Amazing Spider-Man #133 and Giant-Size Super-Heroes featuring Spider-Man #1, Conway's Spider-Man stops Molten Man and Morbius (respectively) from obtaining the potential cure for their conditions.

In the former, Spider-Man basically pieces together what the Molten Man has been trying to do (gather ingredients needed to recreate what originally made him the Molten Man in an effort to halt the radioactive decay of his body -- radiation which, by the way, is far more deadly than he ever was in his pre-decaying state), but still engages him in battle, endangering police and other innocent bystanders along the way. (In one scene, Spidey actually clobbers two policemen who confront him, sending them into unconsciousness with, "Pleasant dreams... creeps!") As the Molten Man's death approaches, he cries,

"I only needed time--! Time to reverse the deterioration-- but Spider-Man wouldn't stop hounding me! [...] Now you've attacked me, when I was so close to success! I had all the elements I needed to cure myself-- all but one, and that one I stole this evening--! If I'd escaped, I could have rediscovered the formula that created this accursed golden shell... I could have saved myself if it hadn't been for--"

And what is Spider-Man's thoughtful response? "Sure you could have, Raxton-- and my name's Santa Claus!" What a Spider-Dick. Oh, by the way, in the ensuing fight, Spidey throws the Molten Man's precious ingredients into the river, which the Molten Man dives after; upon hitting the freezing water, the Molten Man explodes. Nice. Real nice.

In Giant-Size Etc., Morbius, "the Living Vampire," is trying to reach Professor Ward, a hematologist who has "developed a process to completely replace a person's blood". Clearly, Morbius is seeking a cure for himself. When he enters the professor's lab, he says, "I've been in Hell, Professor Ward... and I've come to you to release me!" Enter Spider-Man, who jumps in, fists swinging, rather than letting the completely non-threatening, non-violent Morbius use the prof's knowledge to help himself. In the fight, the professor's lab equipment is destroyed, leading a stricken Morbius to lament,

"Ward said that without it, his experiment was useless-- [...] You've caused me to destroy what might be my last chance, Spider-Man..."

And Morbius flees. But it turns out the professor's equipment is not destroyed; Spidey switched out the real stuff with spare parts. He planned not only to prevent Morbius from obtaining a cure, but also to make him lose all hope that a cure might ever be found. And then he blithely allowed Morbius to escape. In fact, he must have expected Morbius to escape; if he thought he could capture him, the elaborate ruse wouldn't have been needed. Dude! What is the point? Rather than cure him, or catch him, you deprive him of hope and set him loose? That won't cause any trouble, I'm sure. Dumbass.

---

In the past couple days this site has been getting scads of hits from Johanna's Cognitive Dissonance. And I can't figure out why. I assumed she had linked to me (possibly to my year-end TV roundup, which seriously, that took a long time, do me a solid and at least skim it if you haven't already, and what, are you allergic to commenting?), but nope. No link, other than the sidebar. I guess she just gets a ton of traffic that also visits her sidebar links. Well, regardless of the reason: sweet. Hell, why don't you go check out her site when you're done here? Very nice comics reviews and links to be found there!

---

I'm a little hesitant to continue the top ten lists this week, because for one thing, other than TV, I'm not sure what other field I could really make a definitive list for. I could go through all the movies I've seen this year (like Monty just did), but 1) I haven't seen all that many, and 2) I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. I mostly saw mainstream, blockbuster-type fare. Even Fahrenheit 9/11 was a blockbuster of sorts.

Books? I doubt I've read many more than ten books total this year. (Exclude children's books, like the Lemony Snicket stuff, and I'm probably down to single digits.) I've been very lax about my non-comic reading. I still haven't read that last damn Dark Tower book! I've only been waiting for the conclusion to the series for twenty years; what the hell is keeping me from getting to it?

And speaking of comics, I guess I could cobble some kind of list together, but I think I don't read as wide a variety of comics as I should to make a very interesting list, and I don't really have the recall to single out specific issues or landmarks from longer than about a month ago. I could name Street Angel and Eightball and American Elf and She-Hulk and Ex Machina and Girl Genius and Fables and We3 and Scurvy Dogs (and indeed I will, should I crack down and get to that list), but I can barely remember what happened last month in Y: The Last Man, let alone recall comics highlights from January. I'm a poor excuse for a comics fan.

Hey, I think I may just have written my top ten comics list, right there. Counting Y... yep, that's ten. Welp, that was easier than I thought! What, I should maybe do more commentary on those titles? Okay, maybe I will have a list to post tomorrow, after all.

COMICS: Wed. 12/8/04

I bought four comics. Two days later, I've still only read three of them. I'm slow.

She-Hulk: I love this comic. I prefer when Bobillo draws it -- something about that baby-faced She-Hulk, and his other non-traditional depictions of Marvel characters, really gives me a kick. But the writing is consistently entertaining no matter who's doing the art. I like the effort that goes into the minor characters. For example, I have to imagine no one has ever given as much thought to Titania as Dan Slott does this issue.

Powers: Nothing really happened this issue, did it? A lot of treading water. A lot of talk talk talk about whether it's right for heroes to challenge the law and use their powers openly. Then some nobody in a costume died, probably killed by a cop. Which might've been interesting, if they had actually dealt with it in this issue, instead of cliffhanging it. Pretty boring overall.

Punisher: I was a couple pages in, and one panel with Frank's face made me think, that looks like Bill Reinhold art. Which is unusual for me; I'm hardly an expert on artistic styles. But I was right, he's the inker. I had a little late '80s flashback, to when Reinhold was doing the art for Mike Baron's Punisher. As well as Baron's Badger. Those were the days. I wish Mike Baron were still writing comics. I mean, mainstream comics that have a future, not the ultra-obscure titles for mini-mini publishers that he seems to release once a year, which then disappear after the first issue (Faro Korbit, anyone?). In fact, he appears to have released a new book last month, The Detonator, which I've never even heard of. (It was scheduled for November, anyway; maybe it's not actually out yet.) And he's talking about a Badger revival for mid-2005. New issues of Grimjack and Badger scheduled for next year? Heaven!!

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, Punisher. Pretty good issue.

Fables: Haven't read it.

Also picked up (but haven't read) the first TPB of Ed Brubaker's Catwoman. I'd been resisting this, because I bought the first couple-three issues when they first came out, then decided to drop the title. But Ian's enthusiasm for Brubaker's Sleeper recently got me to pick up the first trade of that series, and I really enjoyed it, so now I'm on a mini-Brubaker kick, I guess. Next up: Gotham Central.

COMICS: A personal test

I bought eight comics today. I'm going to try to list them all. (The bag's sitting out in the car.) And if I can't remember one of them, I'm going to drop the title. If it's a bad one, I shouldn't have been getting it in the first place. If it's a good one, serves me right.

Today actually should be easier than usual. I'm pretty excited about the whole bundle.

We've got Ennis and Bendis, of course: Punisher and The Pulse. Punisher more than The Pulse I'm looking forward to; I still haven't quite broken the Bendis knee-jerk purchasing habit, but I think I have finally forced myself to dump Daredevil. Not that I mean to suggest I haven't been enjoying The Pulse; I have. It's just, how many Bendis comics do I need?

Then there's Kirkman: Marvel Team-Up (which I skipped last week because my eyes just brushed past the "MTU" on the cover. Muhtoo? I didn't want a comic called Muhtoo...), and The Walking Dead, which is pretty damn quick, the last issue was out just last week.

Peter David is represented: Madrox. It feels good to be buying a David title again. I dropped Fallen Angel fairly early on; something about it just didn't quite win me over. Can't wait for his return to The Incredible Hulk.

Then there's Ed Brubaker, with Captain America. I just suffered through Kirkman's lousy run on the title; why am I doing it again? I don't give a rat's ass about Captain America. But I'll give the Brubaker version a try, I guess. I'm a sucker.

Brian K. Vaughan's in there, with Ex Machina. I'm glad this series seems to be catching on. It's like the TV show Lost (which is big in the ratings) -- I'm relieved that for once the rest of the public seems to agree with me on a quality product.

And then there are the two "fun" books of the week, She-Hulk and Fantastic Four. And that should be the whole list!

Wait, that's nine. Did I miscount the comics in my bag? Or did I forget to buy something? (I know that I almost bought Matt Howarth's Bugtown, but didn't; it just didn't look as interesting as the old Post Bros. comics used to. But that's not what's messing up my count.) Usually I forget one of the comics I bought; this time I seem to be remembering one too many. Weird. Well, if it's nine, then more comic goodness for me! If it turns out I've got only eight: DAMMIT!

And on top of however many comics that is, I also got the final Peter Milligan X-Force TPB. Damn, I went crazy today. Good thing I won at poker this weekend!

COMICS: More Wed. 11/3/04

Avengers: Okay, for a reader as unfamiliar with the Avengers' history as I am, this issue was whole lot of "Who the what the??" The Scarlet Witch gave herself babies by magic, then that old woman made them disappear and made the Witch forget about them? All righty then. It worked for me that Wanda was the baddie, because sure, she used to be bad before, but what didn't work for me was Dr. Strange's assertion that due to her gaining her magic by being a mutant, rather than training, she was always on the brink of insanity. Nice effort at justifying her actions, but I just don't buy it. Oh, and good thing there were 8,000 superheroes to do all that nothing for most of the book.

JLA: Classified: We3 is the kind of story that makes me think Grant Morrison is a super genius. JLA: Classified is the kind of story that makes me think Grant Morrison is a pretentious blithering jackass.

Jubilee: I really get a kick out of this book. I liked the handling of the gang leader here, forcing his young crew member out of the gang because he had the potential to make something of himself. The change of heart probably came a little quickly, but on the other hand, at least it wasn't dragged out over six issues.

The Punisher: Now that's what I want to see! After that endless boring previous storyline, the new story starts off brilliantly, with a face-to-face between Nick Fury and Frank. I loved every word of that entire scene. Garth Ennis writes Nick Fury the way he ought to be, the way you'd expect a hardened, weary career soldier to speak and act. I realize Ennis has more latitude with the character in a Mature Readers book, but even without the plethora of profanity, he'd have Fury down pat. The ending was a little odd to me: the American military are sponsoring terrorists specifically to get Fury/Castle to do a job for them? Am I reading that right? More clarity next issue, I hope.

Superman/Batman: Eh. A little too deus ex machina with the teleporter, a little -- no, a lot too corny with Supergirl's introduction to everyone at the end. "THANKS, EVERYONE!" And I don't care how super Superman is -- there is still no oxygen in space. He can not have a conversation in outer space; sound does not travel in a vacuum. Not even the mighty words of Superman. And why the hell did they have to pretend Supergirl was dead if they were just going to imprison Darkseid on the far edge of the universe anyway? Why not just imprison him without all the rigmarole? Were they worried he'd escape and come back to get Supergirl if he knew she were still alive? Well, it's not much of a secret that she's alive anymore, is it? Or am I overthinking all this? Whatever. I think I'm done with this series.

Y: The Last Man: Kind of lame the way 355 allowed herself to get outmaneuvered in the exchange for Yorick's ring. But man, I love this series. And I love the San Francisco setting; I lived in the Bay Area for about ten years. They're getting all the details right about the City. For example, Candlestick is indeed on the corner of Fuck You and Go To Hell.

COMICS: Wed. 11/3/04

My list this week:

Astonishing X-Men
Avengers
JLA: Classified
Jubilee
The Punisher
Superman/Batman
Y: The Last Man

I've only read Astonishing so far. Just when this series was starting to grow on me, we end the storyline with this supremely boring anti-climax of an issue. The art is fantastic, and Whedon has some clever, funny lines, but the story as a whole has more padding than the last five Daredevil arcs combined. I stuck it out through the first story, and I'm done with it now. This officially gets dropped.

Also (and I don't know if this was supposed to be secret or not, so if it was, sorry guys), at the comic shop yesterday, Dorian and Mike showed me the ashcan edition of the upcoming Grimjack mini-series, Killer Instinct. (Thanks!) And it looks gorgeous.


(The picture's from Newsarama, not the ashcan.) I didn't want to read the whole thing and spoil it for myself, but it's got Cadre, and the Dancer, and it's set immediately following the Trade Wars, which was perhaps my favorite storyline in my favorite comic ever. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, do yourself a favor and check out the TPB of the old series and the first issue of the new series when they come out in January. Because this is going to kick about seven different kinds of ass.

COMICS: Holy Crap

I just topped the $70 mark at the comic store. Mother of pearl! That needs to not happen again any time soon. Over half of that is two TPBs; James Kochalka's American Elf, collecting the daily strips from his website for the last, like, 87 years -- seriously, it's a fat book, and priced to match ($29.95) -- and Hard Time, which many people have been recommending to me for a while now (and it's quite a bargain -- six issues for $9.95).

But then I got nine other comic books. Criminy! A year ago, I didn't buy nine titles total. Nine in one week is pretty damn excessive. For me, anyway. I bet I couldn't even name them all without looking. Let's try:

Powers
She-Hulk
Demo (because I didn't pick it up last week)
Captain America
Fables
Challengers of the Unknown
Ex Machina
Secret Wars

Um... I'm stalling out. That's eight, one left. Damn. I can tell you I didn't get Punisher; I'm still waiting for that awful, never-ending current story arc to wrap up (I think this was its last issue).

JESUS! This is just disgraceful. I'm spending money on titles I can't even remember two minutes after looking at 'em. I need to cut back on my comics purchases, and cut back hard. Okay, I can't stand the suspense, I'm gonna go look.

It was The Authority: More Kev. Well, at least that's the last of the four issue series. That's one off my list. And I was going to drop Captain America after this one, if I still didn't like Robert Kirkman's writing, but then Dorian told me that this is Kirkman's last issue anyway. "Oh good, I can drop it!" I said. "Ed Brubaker's writing it next," he said. "Crap," I said. Guess I'm not dropping it yet.

Man, looking at the first eight -- if I had to force myself to cut half of them, it'd be a tough choice. Okay, Cap would be pretty easy. Probably Challengers would be next (I'm guessing it'd read better as a TPB, anyway), then Demo (which I like, but don't absolutely love the way some bloggers seem to), and probably Secret Wars would be the last, because one Bendis title should be enough for any one week.

I've got a lot of comic reading to do tonight. Plus about 20 hours of Farscape on tape. Not to mention the TiVo backlog. And I still haven't finished the new Stephen King, or even America (The Book). I'm poor and friendless, I guess is my point. Bummer.

COMICS: More Wed. 9/29/04

Daredevil: Hey, an oversized issue with two whole pages of story! Gee, thanks, Mr. Bendis! You're the swellest! Actually, I didn't really expect anything other than that from an anniversary issue. It was actually pretty darn entertaining, with some gorgeous art. But using all those different artists really made me wish someone, anyone else would do the regular artwork other than Maleev. After Bachalo, P. Craig Russell and co., Maleev's two pages at the end looked even crappier to me than his art usually does. I enjoyed the bits with Spider-Man and Dr. Strange, I really got a kick out of the Punisher sequence, even if the character doesn't quite feel right when not written by Ennis, and I would've enjoyed the Nick Fury bit more if Bendis didn't have him do that hesitant, repeating words thing like he does for every other character. Wow, I'm complaining that Bendis makes some characters sound the same. I bet I'm the first person ever to do that.

Amazing Spider-Man: Dude, whatever. Gwen Stacy screwed Norman Osborn? I buy that. Yeah, because that's so in keeping with her character. She was the queen of the mercy fucks, that girl was. Maybe she was under mind control. Or she was a clone! Yeah, that's the ticket. This whole issue was one big "fuck you" to long-time fans. Thanks a crapload, Straczynski. Seriously, I don't get into that fannish, "that betrays the characters and history" thing very much, because, well, it's stupid. But I have to say: that betrays the characters and history. This all better be a dream sequence or something. Love the art, though.

Invincible: Good issue, setting up some interesting future plots. I like the crossover with the big alien invasion from Brit last month. (Is that going through all the Image titles? Or just the Kirkman ones?) Robot's about ready to snap, I think.

New Frontier: Pretty great ending to a series that took a long time to win me over, but finally did in a big way. I absolutely love that Flash and Green Lantern were the big heroes. Very, very cool. And nice tie-in with the first JLA adventure at the very end. I need to read this whole series again.

COMICS: Wed. 9/29/04

For someone who's listed on the Comic Weblog Updates page, I don't write about comics a whole awful lot. Well, here's some thoughts on yesterday's purchases.

Daredevil: Didn't read it.

Amazing Spider-Man: Didn't read it.

Invincible: Didn't read it.

New Frontier: Didn't read it.

No wonder I don't write about comics very much. By the time I read the damn things, it's irrelevant.

I did read all the Marvel 2099 books (and by the way, thanks a pantsload for putting them all out on the same day, Marvel! Way to serve the typical fan's budget best. Douchebags). I bought all five of them, because Robert Kirkman wrote them. Okay, I think I've finally been cured of that habit.

Not that they were all bad. Just that none of them were really spectacular. And I was surprised that all the issues were one-and-done. (I'm sure everyone else was aware of this, but I guess I don't really pay attention to much of anything that's happening in comics other than what I can see right in front of me on the shelves.)

I liked Punisher 2099 just for the fact that Kirkman followed up on the Punisher/Elektra love connection Garth Ennis threw out as a joke a year or two ago. So Frank and Elektra have a baby in 2038 (according to the dates on Cassandra's tombstone)? Let's see, Frank was in Vietnam, so, being extremely generous, let's say he was 21 in 1975. That would make him a proud papa at the age of 84! Take that, Tony Randall! Hell, forget Frank -- Elektra's the one who had to suffer through an octogenarian labor. That'll break a hip. Other than that little bit of backstory, I didn't much care for the issue, though. Even Pop Mhan's art, which I dig on SpyBoy, didn't really thrill me here.

Mutant 2099: The brain of Reed Richards in a Ben Grimm robot. That should have been a lot cooler than it was. I just kept thinking, why don't the Sentinels catch Reed and the kid, already? Reed's flying around in his jetcar, the kid's zapping Sentinels -- but they easily evade capture. And there's a gigantic mole people invasion right out in broad daylight, and no Sentinels show up? They're really pretty ineffective, aren't they? How the hell did they defeat every superpowered being on Earth?

Inhumans 2099: This had a very dark and interesting twist at the end, but I think it would've worked better for me if I knew who the hell the Inhumans were. I mean, I know who they are, I'm aware they exist, I've seen them in comics like Fantastic Four, and, I don't know, X-Men or Hulk, I guess, but they never really interested me. The only one whose name I knew was Black Bolt, and I didn't even know he had a brother. So, yeah, some of the impact of the ending was lost on me. Still: pretty cool.

Black Panther 2099: I know nothing of Black Panther. Does the current version often fight Doctor Doom? Seems like a bit of a mismatch to me, but whatever. And are the Sentinels confined only to America? You'd think, if they could've destroyed every single superhero, they could've gotten to Doom in Latveria, too. But again: whatever. And the issue as a whole? You guessed it: whatever.

Daredevil 2099: This was probably my favorite of the 2099s. I really liked the ending, where we learn Fisk is not just carrying on the tradition of Matt Murdock, he's carrying on his grandfather's as well, committing evil as the Kingpin and atoning for it as the Daredevil. How Catholic of him! And I liked that, in Kirkman's world, the original Kingpin eventually defeated and killed Daredevil. Good story.

So, all in all, I'd say this 2099 experiment was a bit of a failure. None of them were really designed to be continuing stories, but if they did turn into regular series, or if a generic Marvel 2099 title were launched, I doubt I'd buy any of them. Which is a failure in my eyes.

And I've learned to stop buying comics just because Kirkman's name is on the cover. Invincible and Walking Dead, yes. Anything else: doubtful. I mean, why the hell am I still buying Captain America? It's quite bad. (Although I have to admit, I kind of enjoyed the first issue of Kirkman's Jubilee. I'm a teenage girl, apparently.)

MOVIES: The Punisher

From the "Beating a Dead Horse" dept.: I added a couple of comments to my entry about CGI vs. real stunts/violence in action movies post. And again, although I think it's pretty clear, I just want to point out I'm not trying to start a feud or some crazy thing like that -- if I didn't think Tim O'Neil had a smart and interesting blog with smart and interesting opinions, I wouldn't have him linked over there on the sidebar. It just turns out I have more to say on the subject than I would've first thought. I promise I'll stop now.

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Speaking of action violence... I rented The Punisher this weekend, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. And the only possible defense I have is: it's a pretty darn good action flick.

The acting is decent; Thomas Jane/Tom Jane (he's credited as both, at different points in the credits, oddly enough) does as much as he can do with Frank Castle, which isn't all that much. Frank's emotionless countenance and delivery comes off as coolly menacing in the comics; in the movies, it's a little boring. You kind of want him to have some inflection in his voice, for crying out loud. And it's not helped by the fact that Jane isn't inherently an imposing figure to begin with; he's buff, and he is clearly doing a great deal of his own stunt work in the fight scenes (which I dig), but he's just not an overpowering figure of dread like the comics version -- or the Garth Ennis comics version, anyway, which is the version with the heaviest influence on the film.

Several characters created by Ennis in his "Welcome Back, Frank" story make an appearance here, including neighbors Joan (who's not quite so mousy when played by Rebecca Romijn-Stamos), Mr. Bumpo, and Spacker Dave (who is only called "Spacker" in the end credits, unfortunately). Even better, the nigh-unstoppable Russian shows up for the best scene of the movie, a ridiculously over-the-top battle in Frank's apartment, which is heightened by one of Frank's few emotional reactions, a constant and comical look of disbelief. Pro wrestler Kevin Nash plays the Russian, and you couldn't find a more physically intimidating actor if you tried. He doesn't speak (as the Russian frequently does in the comics), but perhaps that's for the best.

Then there's John Travolta as Howard Saint, the man who ordered Frank's family killed. (And unlike the comics, he doesn't stop at wife and kids; everyone Frank's ever even met apparently gets wiped out all at once.) He's adequate. I'm surprised they got him, especially considering he takes second billing. I'm guessing most of the small budget for this film went to his salary. He makes for a decent villain, and really that's all that's needed here.

I said it was a small budget, and it often shows, but on the other hand, they sure as hell make the money they have count. There's no CGI; it's pure man-made stunts. And the director actually knows how to direct action. In one of the featurettes, he even mocks the directors who have learned their trade from music videos and commercials. There's none of the hyperkinetic, 87 cuts per second, camera whipping and spinning for no reason nonsense here. You can tell who's doing what at all times, which is a craft apparently unlearned by most action directors these days (I'm looking right at you, McG, you goddam hack).

The Punisher isn't brilliant. I mean, come on. It's the freakin' Punisher. But when you're in the mood for this kind of flick, it's a good-to-great rental, which is all it needed to be to surpass 90% of the action movies made in the past five years.

COMICS: The comics I didn't buy

I gave up on The Punisher this week. I had it in my hand, and finally forced myself to put it back on the shelf. I hate this stupid, meandering, boring storyline! Why should I stick around for three more issues of it, other than a foolish, masochistic desire to be a "completist"? I'll be back when you're done with this one, Ennis.

And as I've recently mentioned (more than once, I believe), I gave up on the Bruce Jones Incredible Hulk ages ago. But I had to page through issue #75 at the store, because it actually looked like a Hulk comic, with the Hulk clearly pictured on the cover and everything. And the Hulk even appears inside! It's a Christmas miracle!

It's far too late for me to want to jump back in now, even if this looked like a good issue (which, aside from the Hulk actually appearing in a Hulk comic, it doesn't), but at least this should clear up some questions from Sean Collins (no relation) (that makes sense if you know my last name is also Collins). He recently posted some questions about Jones' run (in response to one of my posts, hooray for me), and I'm guessing this issue holds some answers for him. Well, I know it holds one answer, at least (the answer he already guessed), but as for his other question, whether Jones will finish his big conspiracy storyline before he leaves the title -- this issue certainly looks like it's wrapping things up. Which is good for Marvel. If I'd been following that story for as long as it's been going on, and it abruptly ended without resolving anything, I do believe I'd storm the Marvel offices with pitchfork and torch in hand.

Also didn't buy X-Force #1, which was a no-brainer on my part. Man, it looks exactly like the first X-Force #1, from, like, twelve years ago, when I actually had no brain, and purchased multiple copies, because comics will make you rich! Idiot.

Mike pointed out some choice artistic crimes within the covers (one panel in particular, in which one character appears to be 18 feet tall in comparison to the woman kneeling in front of him -- ew, not kneeling like that! Get your minds out of the gutter), and then added that he had asked the owner of his shop if he could punch anyone who bought it. Permission granted, soldier!

COMICS: More on Wed. 7/14/04

Okay, let's try this again.

Superman/Batman: As I said before, this story needs to end. Batman and Superman's dueling captions have been saying the exact same thing for, what four issues now?

BATMAN: I don't trust anyone because mommy didn't hold me enough. Superman's a chump and a doofus.
SUPERMAN: Batman's got a stick up his ass. I'm totally right to put all my trust in someone I've known for three days.

(I may be paraphrasing a little.) And I'm getting a little tired of Michael Turner's art. It's gorgeous in places, but everyone is starting to look like a Kate Moss-type, heroin-chic cover model.

She-Hulk: Don't care for the new artist. I don't know if this is a permanent art change, but I hope not. I mean, She-Hulk is actually wearing that purple and white skintight uniform on the cover inside the comic now. That's not an improvement. The last artist made some weird alterations to fairly well-established character designs, like the Thing and Spider-Man, but they were pleasantly eye-catching changes. The new art is more standard action fare. I hope this title doesn't start playing down to generic superhero expectations, rather than remaining the unique genre-busting book I became a fan of. (Although I have to admit, I got a kick out of seeing Nova knocked across town.)

Captain America: I'm a fan of Robert Kirkman's Invincible and The Walking Dead, but his writing debut here did not impress me at all. The characters speak in awkward phrases and corny cliches; Captain America is portrayed as a lunkhead on cruise control. The best part was the peek at Hydra's break room, but that was it for originality. Disappointing.

Fables Also disappointing. After eight issues of the Wooden Soldiers, all the conflicts are resolved off-page. Bigby wipes out the Wooden Soldiers, but we only get to see the Gingerbread House Witch's description of it. And the Witch vs. Red Riding Hood/Baba Yaga battle is only shown in one panel, reflected in King Cole's eye. Lame. After eight issues of build-up, we deserve to witness those resolutions. Also, Snow White's running and embracing Bigby was way out of character. First issue of Fables that let me down. At least there's a new story next issue.

Punisher: Which is more than I can say for this title. I've already complained about this tedious storyline before. All I'll add now is, I wish every goddam story in every goddam Marvel Comic weren't Constitutionally required to be six goddam issues.

Scurvy Dogs: Hilarious as always. Everyone should get this book. This issue, Blackbeard's crew gets swept up in a media frenzy orchestrated by Buck Rogers in the 25th Century's Dr. Theopolis -- remember him? He was the talking disc Twiki carried around his neck. Twiki dumped him, and now a gasoline-drinking Rod Stewart carries him instead. This book is sheer comic genius.

Street Angel: As is this one. I picked up the second issue because of a mention of it in John Jakala's Grotesque Anatomy (oddly enough, in a post with a negative review of the upcoming third issue). I really want to go into this issue in more detail, because its insane comedic brilliance deserves proper attention, but I will mention it involves a Mexican wresting mask-wearing Incan sun god, Spanish Conquistador Cortez, who strangely enough has a pegleg and talks like a movie pirate, a bunch of ninjas who ride fire engines into battle (so much for that vaunted ninja stealth!), Cosmick, the world's first Irish astronaut (Cosmick, get it?), and Jesse, a teenage girl, master of the martial arts, and the world's greatest homeless skateboarder, who fights against "ninjas, drugs, nepotism, and pre-algebra as Street Angel." I loved this book.

COMICS: Wed. 7/14/04

I just spent over an hour on a comics post that just got obliterated because Blogger's "improvements" to their post creation form are buggy as hell and suck copious amounts of ass. I even right-clicked and saved the text as a precaution: the crash still erased it all. Blogger is a severely shitty site.

GOD DAMN IT!!!

I'm so furious I can't even attempt to recreate the post now. I'm done. Here, here's my frickin' update: Street Angel is awesome, The Punisher and Superman/Batman need to finish their tedious current storylines right now, the finish of the Wooden Soldiers story in Fables was surprisingly disappointing, Chaykin's Bite Club is just okay, while his Challengers of the Unknown is excellent, visually exciting with a compelling story, though the characters are all underdeveloped so far, and The Pulse was typical Bendis, meaning the story is padded beyond belief, but I still liked it, the dialogue, and the characters.

And I haven't yet read She-Hulk, Robert Kirkman's debut on Captain America, Scurvy Dogs, and Eightball.

God damn lousy Blogger.

COMICS: Wed. 6/30/04

Went to my friendly neighborhood comics shop Wednesday and wound up hanging out with employees Mike, Dorian, and Chris, as well as fellow comics fiends Corey and Ian, for a good hour and a half. Good times. One of our conversation topics was about our Irish chins, all of which (but Corey's) are oh-so-cleverly concealed behind facial hair. Chris, who isn't Irish, felt left out, but we all decided that half Mexican plus half Jewish equals Irish, and that seemed to cheer the lad right up.

Anyway. Only three new comics today, a light and inexpensive load for me, but I collected a bundle of back issues as well, and wound up putting a serious hurt on my bank account after all. Hooray?

• Batman: Harley and Ivy
  Part 3 of a 3-part mini. Another funny issue from Paul Dini and Bruce Timm, featuring Harley and Ivy's misadventures in Hollywood. Very reminiscent of the work the two did on the Batman cartoon -- but with a more adult slant. Which I think must be confusing parents and kids alike. A cursory glance reveals the same cartoony art style found in the children's comic Batman Adventures, but a closer look reveals:
  

  Lingerie shot. Lingerie shot. Panty shot. Panty shot. Bra shot. Ass shot. Panties around ankles shot. Shower shot. Shower shot. Shower shot. Panty shot. Partial bare boob shot. Panty shot. Panty shot. Towel shot.

  And so forth and so on. There's a reason this book isn't approved by the Comics Code Authority. It's very naughty, in an innocent way, if that makes sense. Good clean dirty fun.


• Invincible
  My favorite new series of the past year (or so) continues to satisfy. In the aftermath of last issue's brutal battle between father and son, an important new government agent character is introduced, Mark learns more about what his father did for a living, new relationships are formed, both inside and outside the superhero world, and Mark's got a new job. Which, after being so utterly betrayed by his father, seems like a foolish thing to jump into as blindly as he does, but hey, the kid's still learning. Robert Kirkman has quickly become one of my favorite writers, and Ryan Ottley continues to impress with his sharp, clean artwork. Invincible is one of my five current favorites.


• The Punisher
  After the amazing previous storyline, in which longtime Punisher ally Micro met his shocking, extremely graphic end at the hands (well, shotgun) of the Punisher himself, this new story feels like a muddled let-down. Something about the IRA and pirates on the East River and some old guy who cuts up people real good and a bomb expert who's missing nine-tenths of his face and a dreadlocked, gold-toothed gangster and oh, I just stopped caring. Maybe I was just tired when I read this issue, but it stopped making sense around page three. Too much plot getting in the way of the action, as Joe Bob would say.


• She-Hulk
  I've been hearing a lot of good things about this title -- "It's not what you'd expect!" -- so I finally broke down and bought the first four issues. (Corey was pleased that both I and Ian were buying it.) And it's a good fun book. The artwork is nice -- although, in some action sequences (such as the one with MODOK in outer space), it's a little hard to tell what's going on -- and the writing is clever and humorous. The book's about She-Hulk, after she's screwed up her life with excessive partying (losing her job and getting kicked out of the Avengers mansion in the process), getting hired by a prestigious law firm that handles supernormal clients -- but the catch is, they don't want She-Hulk, they want her non-powered alter ego, Jessica Walters. I have minor complaints about She-Hulk's/Jen's seeming inability to stand up for herself, whether it be against the Avengers or her bitchy new co-worker, and I think it's a little unlikely the Avengers would've gone straight to kicking her out of the mansion without having a talk with her first, but hey, you gotta get the plot and conflict somehow. And like I said, minor complaints. I've heard the book's in danger of cancellation. Which just figures, now that I've finally started liking it.

I also picked up Ex Machina (by Brian K. Vaughan, writer of Y: The Last Man -- another of my current favorites) and Astonishing X-Men, both of which I forgot to get last week. I've got nothing to add about them that hasn't been said already. (Oh, and also, I haven't read them yet.)

And on Corey's recommendation, I got an issue of Brit, by Invincible writer Kirkman, but I didn't read it yet, either. Possible follow-up post later today.