TV: Smallville

A couple thoughts about this week's Smallville. Definite spoilers ahead -- this means, you, Mike! -- so I'll put some filler space in with this picture of all the Smallville babes.



Wasn't that nice?*

Okay, spoilers:

Chloe lost her virginity -- to Jimmy Olsen??? What the fuck! That's quite a bombshell. And quite a plot contrivance. I mean, if this episode weren't all about givin' it up (complete with teen pregnancy PSA at the end), do you think Chloe's little character development still would've happened? I doubt it.

And what was up with Ma Kent's freak-out? "I'm so disappointed," "sanctity of marriage," "you should know better," blah blah blah. Bitch, chill! Red kryptonite, remember? Red kryptonite! What are you, new? It was completely out of Clark's control. Alicia dosed him with red kryptonite and for all intents and purposes kidnapped him. And yet Ma Kent still berates Clark for it. But clearly, the message wasn't intended for Clark's ears. She might as well have turned directly to the camera and delivered that speech to the home audience. This episode was one big mixed message: "Look at how hot and sexy all these youngsters are. Are you getting horny? Are you? Yes? BAD! WRONG! DON'T DO IT!!!"

And was there supposed to be a political message in Ma Kent's "sanctity of marriage" rant? That's a loaded phrase to use, these days; it's pretty much interchangeable with "I hate gay people." Is that really the message Smallville is trying to convey? If so, that's very disappointing. And also, does that mean Clark and Lex can never consummate their love?

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*Is that picture too big? Does it mess up my site on your browser, and squeeze the sidebar to the bottom of the screen, below all the entries? It's hard to get pictures to fit properly in this template. I'd change templates, but I'm afraid I'd just mess everything up even worse. Does anyone have any ideas how I can fix it so I can show any size pictures on a Blogger template, without losing all my sidebar links, comments, etc.?

COMICS: Wed 1/5/05

Superman: Strength: Really like the story, really don't like the art. I especially like that Pa Kent isn't portrayed as the shining beacon of pure goodness that he usually is. He's still good... but he's only human. I liked that the criminals actually had a well-conceived plan to handle Superman, and even got the drop on him face-to-face. I mean, Superman's head is in a fishbowl! You can't beat that. This book is crazy fun. But the art.... You know, it's funny, at one point I was thinking the art looked closer to an old Mad magazine parody of Superman than to a serious comic Superman -- and then one of the characters said "fershlugginer". Maybe the Mad-looking art was intentional! Potrzebie!

Incredible Hulk: Man oh man, am I glad Peter David is back. Since I gave up on Bruce Jones' run on the book a long time ago, I'm not sure if David is picking up where Jones left off, or just ignoring his run entirely. (I'd prefer the latter.) Interesting new ability (or mutation) for the Hulk -- rather than holding his breath to stay underwater for extended periods, he can actually breathe underwater now (though it isn't pretty how). And the Hulk seems even more savage than usual. I felt a little adrift with this first issue; no idea why, or how, the Hulk is where he is, if this is following up from the previous issue or a fresh start. But I'm hooked, that's for sure.

New Avengers: Who the hell is Sentry? Seriously, this is a character I should have heard of before? Okay, if you say so. Things are a little darker here than I'd expected; was the close-up of Spider-Man's arm snapping strictly necessary? Man, lately everybody wants to take the fun out of Spider-Man. It's bumming me out, dude!

Jubilee: I'm trying to come to terms with my shame for really liking this book. And Dorian isn't helping any! At the comic shop this week, he took delight in calling loudly across the room, "Hey, Tom, the new issue of Jubilee is in!" Yeah, thanks, pal. Well, you know what? It was another good issue! So there! As opposed to New Avengers, this book stands with She-Hulk and Fantastic Four as about the only Marvel titles trying to keep the grim & gritty from taking over completely.

There's always one comic I forget. I know I got five comics this week. I didn't get Brubaker's second issue of Captain America, or Kirkman's Fantastic Four: Foes, although I had both of them in my hand at one point... I liked the first issue of Captain America, and the FF:F book looked all right, but I think I'll wait for the trades on both those titles. (Take that, comics industry!)

Oh! I know. Flaming Carrot Comics. Mike is clearly a big fan; in the store, he gleefully pointed out the new issue to me. So I thought I'd give it a try. About my only previous exposure to this character was through his appearance in Cerebus a million years ago. I think I paged through some of the regular Carrot comics back then, and didn't care for them. Too weird, didn't like the art. I did like this issue, but Burden's art hasn't improved a great deal since then; a lot of it really looks rough, especially the women characters. But I enjoyed the insanity I found so off-putting years ago. The Flaming Carrot is basically a madman, spouting non sequiturs while assaulting his enemies with a baloney gun. Funny stuff. I laughed a number of times, enough to get me past some of the weaknesses in the book.

COMICS: More Wed. 11/3/04

Avengers: Okay, for a reader as unfamiliar with the Avengers' history as I am, this issue was whole lot of "Who the what the??" The Scarlet Witch gave herself babies by magic, then that old woman made them disappear and made the Witch forget about them? All righty then. It worked for me that Wanda was the baddie, because sure, she used to be bad before, but what didn't work for me was Dr. Strange's assertion that due to her gaining her magic by being a mutant, rather than training, she was always on the brink of insanity. Nice effort at justifying her actions, but I just don't buy it. Oh, and good thing there were 8,000 superheroes to do all that nothing for most of the book.

JLA: Classified: We3 is the kind of story that makes me think Grant Morrison is a super genius. JLA: Classified is the kind of story that makes me think Grant Morrison is a pretentious blithering jackass.

Jubilee: I really get a kick out of this book. I liked the handling of the gang leader here, forcing his young crew member out of the gang because he had the potential to make something of himself. The change of heart probably came a little quickly, but on the other hand, at least it wasn't dragged out over six issues.

The Punisher: Now that's what I want to see! After that endless boring previous storyline, the new story starts off brilliantly, with a face-to-face between Nick Fury and Frank. I loved every word of that entire scene. Garth Ennis writes Nick Fury the way he ought to be, the way you'd expect a hardened, weary career soldier to speak and act. I realize Ennis has more latitude with the character in a Mature Readers book, but even without the plethora of profanity, he'd have Fury down pat. The ending was a little odd to me: the American military are sponsoring terrorists specifically to get Fury/Castle to do a job for them? Am I reading that right? More clarity next issue, I hope.

Superman/Batman: Eh. A little too deus ex machina with the teleporter, a little -- no, a lot too corny with Supergirl's introduction to everyone at the end. "THANKS, EVERYONE!" And I don't care how super Superman is -- there is still no oxygen in space. He can not have a conversation in outer space; sound does not travel in a vacuum. Not even the mighty words of Superman. And why the hell did they have to pretend Supergirl was dead if they were just going to imprison Darkseid on the far edge of the universe anyway? Why not just imprison him without all the rigmarole? Were they worried he'd escape and come back to get Supergirl if he knew she were still alive? Well, it's not much of a secret that she's alive anymore, is it? Or am I overthinking all this? Whatever. I think I'm done with this series.

Y: The Last Man: Kind of lame the way 355 allowed herself to get outmaneuvered in the exchange for Yorick's ring. But man, I love this series. And I love the San Francisco setting; I lived in the Bay Area for about ten years. They're getting all the details right about the City. For example, Candlestick is indeed on the corner of Fuck You and Go To Hell.

COMICS: Wed. 11/3/04

My list this week:

Astonishing X-Men
Avengers
JLA: Classified
Jubilee
The Punisher
Superman/Batman
Y: The Last Man

I've only read Astonishing so far. Just when this series was starting to grow on me, we end the storyline with this supremely boring anti-climax of an issue. The art is fantastic, and Whedon has some clever, funny lines, but the story as a whole has more padding than the last five Daredevil arcs combined. I stuck it out through the first story, and I'm done with it now. This officially gets dropped.

Also (and I don't know if this was supposed to be secret or not, so if it was, sorry guys), at the comic shop yesterday, Dorian and Mike showed me the ashcan edition of the upcoming Grimjack mini-series, Killer Instinct. (Thanks!) And it looks gorgeous.


(The picture's from Newsarama, not the ashcan.) I didn't want to read the whole thing and spoil it for myself, but it's got Cadre, and the Dancer, and it's set immediately following the Trade Wars, which was perhaps my favorite storyline in my favorite comic ever. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, do yourself a favor and check out the TPB of the old series and the first issue of the new series when they come out in January. Because this is going to kick about seven different kinds of ass.

COMICS: Colonia

The only comics I got on Wednesday were Jubilee, which I talked about yesterday; Superman/Batman/Batman/Superman (whoever gets top billing), which wasn't really worth the wait, and which made me wonder if Darkseid had Supergirl stretched on the rack before Superman showed up (or at least just her abdomen); and Y: The Last Man, which ended with a hell of a cliffhanger. Was the ring what was protecting Yorick all this time? (My guess: no. But it's a nifty coincidence.)

And I also got the TPB of Colonia (freshly restocked thanks to Mike). It's a collection of the first five issues of the ongoing series (which is apparently ongoing at a very slow rate, but what are you gonna do?), and it was a bundle of weird, cool, creative fun. I mean, look at the cover:


Yikes! I'm still not sure if that's a single creature with five heads, or a group of creatures with a single mind/animating force/what-have-you, but isn't it excellently creepy as hell?

I knew of creator Jeff Nicholson from his comedy series Father & Son (he also did Ultra Klutz, which I never got into). There's a lot of humor here, but it's primarily an adventure tale, set in an alternate world in which pirates still roam the seas in 1999, America is still the "New World", and it's not even called America -- it's Colonia, named after Cristobal Colon (or Christopher Columbus as most of us know him). Three people from our version of Massachusetts (a boy named Jack and his two uncles) slip-slide into this alternate world, and encounter a mess of pirates, as well as mermaids, headless ghosts, that walking fish thing in human clothes, and a talking duck named Lucy, who lays golden eggs.


The alternate history is intriguing and well thought out, and Jack's handling of this bizarre experience is smart and plausible, while his uncles bluster their way around with comedic results. And that talking duck seems to think there's something special about Jack, that he doesn't even realize himself. There's a load of story ideas here that could take this series in any imaginable direction.

The downside is, Nicholson isn't moving too quickly on this project; since 1999, only 11 issues have come out (the 11th just came out). It doesn't look like there are plans for another collection any time soon, so I think I'll be picking up some back issues next week. Too bad it'll probably be such a long wait till #12.

TV: The Fastest Men Alive

There's a new fastest man alive: on Sunday, Ben Gatlin won the gold in the 100-meter dash, in an incredible 9.85 seconds. Even more incredible, the silver went to a time of 9.86 seconds, the bronze to 9.87 seconds. Fourth was 9.89, fifth was 9.94, sixth was 10 even. That's inconceivable to me. How can you even register 1/100th of a second difference? Is one guy's nose longer than the other's? You can't help but think of that Seinfeld joke about the minute differences between Olympic heroes and nobodies. "First place, [moves head back two inches] dead last. [Moves head forward two inches] Greatest guy in the world, [moves head back two inches] never heard of him."

(I promise I won't write any more about the Olympics today, except to note that I've been enjoying the women's diving competitions for all the wrong reasons.)

Meanwhile, the fastest man alive is missing in action on Justice League Unlimited. Where the hell is the Flash?? We're four episodes in, and he hasn't even had one line yet. I can't even recall if he made an appearance in the first episode. Not to say I haven't been enjoying the show. Last week's episode with the Justice League Babies was hilarious, especially young Wonder Woman's crush on young Batman, but it was a light, inconsequential episode that probably should have come later in the season, after the new rotating cast premise had been better established (apparently, this was originally supposed to air as the fifth show of the season, rather than the third). And this week's Hawk and Dove episode was decent, if not overwhelming. The voice-casting of Hawk and Dove was inspired (Wonder Years brothers Jason Hervey and Fred Savage, with Hervey here switching roles as the younger, kinder brother, Savage playing the older, tougher one -- come on, you couldn't have had a guy named "Savage" play the Dove, could you?); in addition, Michael York was a great villain's voice, and Ed Asner as Hephaestus had some cute, borderline naughty wordplay with Wonder Woman (involving the tightness of her costume).

But dammit, where's the Flash? Is Michael Rosenbaum too busy on Smallville to make the trip to the voice sessions? Hell, he's practically out of the opening credits as it is; the new opening animation suggests Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman are the Justice League, and Flash, Green Lantern, and Martian Manhunter are now merely part of the giant supporting cast -- featured supporting players, yes, but not the headliners.

Maybe it's just as well; the writers have never really known how to portray Flash's powers accurately. When they've used him to the best effect (as in the brilliant "A Better World" two-parter), he's nearly a match for Superman; more often, though, he's a clown. Comic relief, that's one thing, but he's just a clown, in and out of battle. He's been taken down by the lamest villains, and his speed, which should be supersonic at the very least, near light speed at best, is often reduced to barely that of a speeding car.

Over on Teen Titans, the same can be said of Beast Boy. His powers are phenomenal, but he rarely uses them to their true potential; hell, most of the time, he forgets he can turn into something that can fly. This week, while in wolf-form, he got his foot trapped under a rock. Rather than turning into any of a hundred animals that could've escaped (from an elephant to an earthworm), he turned back into his human form (still trapped) and tried to reason with his attacker, Terra. More emotionally affecting, perhaps, making heartfelt pleas to his erstwhile friend, but stupid from any practical point of view.

When the writers have used him well, Beast Boy has been more than a match even for the Titans' arch-nemesis, Slade (though, having defeated Slade a couple episodes ago, BB reverted to his usual clown-like self and allowed him to walk away with Terra in tow). I don't mind comic relief in my superhero teams; I just wish more often they'd live up to their superheroic capabilities, rather than taking all the pratfalls.

COMICS: The New Frontier

I've been saying for a while now that, despite the seemingly unanimous praise from everyone else, Darwyn Cooke's The New Frontier has failed to blow me away.

Then I read issue #5.

From Hal Jordan's experimenting with the Green Lantern ring and almost dropping a mountain on himself, to Superman's and Batman's meeting, with Superman questioning Batman's new child-friendly appearance, to Jimmy Olsen's "Well jeez, Rocky. He's Superman", to Aquaman's "At my back, the largest army in the world", to the bloodied interior of Wonder Woman's invisible plane, to Lois Lane's "You get this shot or I'll throw you off this goddamned chopper!", to the blurry first view of the Centre, to Flash taking up his costume again, to Hal's "Let me tell you something Miss Rich Bitch", to his and Carol's kiss in front of the jet engine, to the destruction of Paradise Island, to Superman's "I see I have your attention" and his rousing speech --

Yeah. This was the one that blew me away.

COMICS: Hulk is coolest one there is!

You know what I like? The Incredible Hulk.

I've always liked him. Ever since my first comic reading days as a kid, I liked how he was different. He wasn't like all those other superheroes, who went around looking for someone to help -- looking for trouble, basically. The Hulk didn't want trouble. The Hulk just wanted to be left alone. I loved that. The Hulk just wanted to kick back in the forest, away from all the puny humans, feed grass to an innocent deer who didn't know to be afraid of the green monster, compose some haikus, I don't know -- and then some dumbass supervillain would always come along and drop a building on the Hulk's head. And so the Hulk would have no choice but to GRRRAAAARRRRRR HULK SMASH!! and whale the holy living shit out of the bad guy. The Hulk didn't go looking for supervillains. The Hulk didn't give a gamma-irradiated rat's ass about supervillains. He wasn't proactive, he was purely reactive. Mess with Hulk, Hulk smash.

Also, the Hulk was the strongest one there was. And you knew because he would tell you: "Hulk is strongest one there is!!" There wasn't anybody who could beat the Hulk in a straight-up fight. Even Thor -- who's a god, for crying out loud -- could only fight him to a draw, at best. How sweet is that?

And best of all: half the time he was puny Banner, so nobody would see it coming. The element of surprise, turning the tables on the assholes -- that was great. I mean, you see a giant pile of orange rocks walking down the street, you go, "Hey, it's the Thing." But not the Hulk. He's just this meek little rocket scientist -- and then some hooligans start thinking they can get tough with him, or maybe they just won't stop talking on their cell phones in a movie theater. Next thing you know, they're standing in the shadow of (if I may quote) "7 feet, 1,000 pounds of unfettered fury!" and crying for their mommies. Now that's comedy.

Then, of course, came the TV show. The Incredible Hulk TV series changed a ton of stuff from the comic -- from the main character's name ("Bruce" was deemed too effeminate for a hero, so they called him "David" instead), to his backstory (adding a wife who died in a car accident) to how he became the Hulk (self-administered dose of radiation, rather than accidental exposure), to the Hulk's strength (bullets could actually hurt him, rather than just bouncing off) and speech (rather than childish language, the Hulk never spoke at all), to who was tracking him down (not the obsessed General "Thunderbolt" Ross and Ross's daughter, Betty, who loved Banner, but some reporter named McGee). But it was still great. Where else could a nine-year-old see primetime superhero live-action on TV? (Well, Wonder Woman, I guess, but that was fun for an entirely different reason, even at that age.) "Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." So true, so true.

The Hulk is even what got me back into comics. In 1988, my freshman year of college, down at the Student Union there were these guys handing out "welcome packages" -- little boxes with various crap from local merchants inside, like shaving cream or scotch tape or whatever. And there were some comic books, too. I hadn't collected or even read comics for about 8 years, but when I read that issue of The Incredible Hulk in my welcome package, I was instantly hooked again. Because the Hulk was... he was grey! And he was smart! And a little bit... bad, too. He was cunning, devious. Banner was on a mission, and the Hulk was cooperating with him, but for his own selfish reasons. And the art was very new and striking, stylized in a way that was totally different from the comics I had read as a kid, much more dynamic, and grittier, too -- drawn by some guy named Todd McFarlane (who has done little of note since then).

It was all wrong! And totally compelling. I bought a slew of back issues (all written by the fantastically entertaining Peter David, who would stay with the series for about 13 years, an amazing run from beginning to end), and I was suddenly a comic book fan again.

The there's the movie. I liked Hulk (not The Hulk, for some strange reason) more than I know many people did. It had the handicap of a CGI-created main character to overcome, which turned out to look better that I thought it would, but still, it's hard to invest yourself in a bunch of 1s and 0s on the movie screen. And I think it made a mistake in not having the Hulk speak; that left him as a personality-less destruction machine. The destruction was pretty awesome, true, but I'd have liked to hear him say "Hulk smash" at least once. I mean, throw me a frickin' bone. And where's Rick Jones?

But I liked Eric Bana as Bruce Banner, I love Jennifer Connelly in anything, and I appreciated both the slower, more subtle character moments as well as the inventive visual "comic book" style of the movie. I liked that the film spent time developing Banner's repressed psychological scars, which helped to create the Hulk persona bottled up inside him -- and that it showed Banner enjoys releasing that rage. And that tank fight: come on, that was kick-ass.

Right now, though, I'm having a tough time liking the Hulk. Because all I've got to go by is the comic book, by current writer Bruce Jones... and the comic sucks. I flat-out hate it. For one thing, it suffers from Marvel-itis, in which a two-issue story is painfully stretched out to a trade paperback-friendly five or six issues. For another, it's all X-Files-type conspiracies and mysterious covert agencies and that's all fine and good in the beginning, but eventually you have to start coming up with some resolutions to those mysteries, and, like The X-Files, for what few questions it did supply (before I finally dropped the book), it fell far short of the expectations it had created. And worst of all, a capital crime for an Incredible Hulk comic: it doesn't feature the Incredible Hulk!! Bruce Jones got the bright idea of using the Hulk in a very limited capacity only. Which meant that for a good number of issues, the Hulk only appeared in brief flashbacks, or by implication (gang of toughs threatens Banner, cut straight to gang of toughs with their asses kicked, with no sight of the Hulk in between), if he even appeared at all. That might be fine once or twice, as a change of pace, but when I buy a Hulk comic, I want to see the goddam Hulk. I don't buy a Superman comic for 22 pages of Clark Kent reading internet jokes from his mom at work, and if I wanted 22 pages of Bruce Banner, then I'd buy a goddam comic called Bruce Banner, not one called The Incredible Goddam Hulk!!

But. It appears Jones is out. He's signed an exclusive deal with DC, which means his run on the Hulk will soon be over. And good riddance. The buzz in the fan world is that Peter David is a possible candidate to take over from him, which couldn't make me happier. Problem is, according to his website, nobody's offered David the job yet (although if anybody has a brain at Marvel -- which you may debate amongst yourselves -- they will soon), and what's more, he speculates that the Hulk might not even continue in an ongoing series. Which would be terrible. Why a bevy of A-list writers aren't clamoring for this gig is beyond me. Peter David, among others, has shown that the Hulk can be so much more than a one-note "Hulk smash" character. Hell, at this point, returning the Hulk to all "Hulk smash" all the time would be a daring new direction in itself.

Bottom line is, Marvel had better get someone up to the task of helming a monthly Hulk comic, and they had better do it fast. He's one of their most popular, interesting, challenging creations ever, and I want to see someone who can bring the comic back up to a consistently entertaining level. Forget all this men-in-black crap.

Or Hulk will smash.

COMICS: Batman: Hush

So, I finally picked up Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee's Batman: Hush -- or, at least, the first five chapters in trade paperback form. And, after that whole yearlong frenzy over the way they had revitalized Batman, and what a ripping good story, and blah de blah, I gotta say: this is what all the fuss was about?

Really?

This?

I know, I can't judge fairly, having only read five of the twelve issues that make up the story -- but here I go anyway.

First of all, let me complain about the story being published in separate volumes in the first place. What a blatant money-grubbing scam. DC couldn't fit a measly 12 issues in one TPB? If they don't release the remaining seven issues in one book, if they actually plan on splitting this into three volumes, I think I'll decide, to hell with DC, and to hell with this story.

I'm almost at "to hell with this story" as is. And people complain about Bendis padding his stories! I mean, lots of characters do lots of things, but the actual amount of story that was advanced in this collection could've been easily condensed to one, maybe two issues. But Jeph Loeb loves showboating, he loves building issues around a particular character on the cover, so that his anemic plots can be stretched out over a year. Been doing it since The Long Halloween. His ongoing series, Superman/Batman, is less gimmicky in that fashion, but even there, he loves his guest stars, and he loves taking his sweet time.

I think Loeb is vastly overrated as an author. He's better at generating attention with "events" than at the actual writing part of the job. His dialogue and his stories are often corny, awkward, heavy-handed, ridiculously flamboyant, repetitive, and humorless.

No, but tell us what you really think, Tom?

He does sucker me in with the events, though, I have to admit. Over in Batman/Superman (which one is supposed to be billed first? Do they take turns every other issue?), I loved the return of Lex Luthor's green and purple power suit. I loved the return of Supergirl (at the beginning, before it started dragging). And, though I didn't buy the single issues, I couldn't wait for Hush to be collected in a book (a softcover book, screw that hardback nonsense) so I could see what all the buzz was about.

And this is it? The mysterious villain the whole story has been built around, Batman's bandage-faced nemesis, has so far committed the diabolical acts of... cutting Batman's bat-rope, and shooting out one of his bat-tires. Ooooh, what a chilling menace he is!

Meanwhile, there's a bunch of nonsense about Killer Croc and Poison Ivy either knowingly or unknowingly working for "Hush" (that is what they wind up calling the villain, isn't it? Because, in the five issues I've read, he still hasn't been named), and flashbacks built around Bruce Wayne's childhood friend Tommy Elliot that scream "red herring" so obviously that I'm jarred out of the story each time ("Just try and kill me," says young Bruce to young Tommy; "I can always think like you," says young Tommy to young Bruce; "Lay it on a little thicker, why don't you," says I to Loeb). Plus, Batman punches Superman and makes out with Catwoman, which, frankly, is fan fiction-level wish fulfillment. "Dude, wouldn't it be sweet if Batman used kryptonite to fight Superman?? Again??? And, like, he should totally bone Catwoman, too!!! I am so gonna post that on the forums tonight!!!"

Plus I hate the sound effects. Yes, that's right, I'm nitpicking at the sound effects. A writer writes all the sound effects in a comic, doesn't he? Look at some of the ones Loeb uses: DUSCHK, HAMD, BAX, SWAG ("SWAG"?), BDOK, BERKSCH, DUSSHK (maybe that's just a misspelling of "DUSCHK"), DTUSH. Those aren't sound effects, those are bad draws in Scrabble. I mean, "HAMD"? That's the sound of brass knuckles to Huntress' skull? "HAMD"?

And everything has a sound effect. Batman's batarang has to go "ZIP" not once, not twice, but three times around Croc's mouth. A knife cutting a newspaper has to go "SLIKT" (twice). A doctor opening the door to the O.R.: "BOOM". Me reading the 8,000th sound effect in three pages: "ARRGHH!!"

Other than that, though, it was okay.

Because there's the art. The art. I'm not enough of a cynic about that whole Image crowd to deny that Jim Lee does some damn excellent artwork. (Almost, though -- my disdain for Todd McFarlane and Rob Liefeld runs pretty deep, tainting many of those around them as well.) That's a lot of lovely detail, and some great, inventive, visceral action scenes. And he sure do love drawing women's asses, don't he? Jim Lee is why I'll get the next volume of Hush.

Let me remind you, by the way, that I don't know how this storyline ends. I've intentionally avoided as much internet chat about it as possible, and despite the fact that I already found out there's some Jason Todd stuff coming up (that was nice and subtle, by the way, having bandage-face stand next to the first five letters of the sign on the "Robinson's" building in issue 3), and despite how much I've complained about the writing -- try to avoid spoilers if you comment. Thanks.

MOVIES: Logan's Run?

According to this story on Yahoo, Bryan Singer has now been signed to direct the upcoming Superman film.

If this holds to be true, it throws a bit of a monkey wrench in Singer's plans to direct a remake of Logan's Run (really?), followed by the third X-Men movie. I can live with that, though, knowing someone is in charge of Superman that knows how to direct an action scene without splitting it into 87,000 micro-cuts, knows how to direct actors and get actual, you know performances out of them, and, hell, just plain knows how to direct a good film.

I mean, an action director that's also a good director. What a concept. How many of those are around these days? Let's see: Singer, Ang Lee... uh... hmm. Let me get back to you.

COMICS: More on Wed. 7/14/04

Okay, let's try this again.

Superman/Batman: As I said before, this story needs to end. Batman and Superman's dueling captions have been saying the exact same thing for, what four issues now?

BATMAN: I don't trust anyone because mommy didn't hold me enough. Superman's a chump and a doofus.
SUPERMAN: Batman's got a stick up his ass. I'm totally right to put all my trust in someone I've known for three days.

(I may be paraphrasing a little.) And I'm getting a little tired of Michael Turner's art. It's gorgeous in places, but everyone is starting to look like a Kate Moss-type, heroin-chic cover model.

She-Hulk: Don't care for the new artist. I don't know if this is a permanent art change, but I hope not. I mean, She-Hulk is actually wearing that purple and white skintight uniform on the cover inside the comic now. That's not an improvement. The last artist made some weird alterations to fairly well-established character designs, like the Thing and Spider-Man, but they were pleasantly eye-catching changes. The new art is more standard action fare. I hope this title doesn't start playing down to generic superhero expectations, rather than remaining the unique genre-busting book I became a fan of. (Although I have to admit, I got a kick out of seeing Nova knocked across town.)

Captain America: I'm a fan of Robert Kirkman's Invincible and The Walking Dead, but his writing debut here did not impress me at all. The characters speak in awkward phrases and corny cliches; Captain America is portrayed as a lunkhead on cruise control. The best part was the peek at Hydra's break room, but that was it for originality. Disappointing.

Fables Also disappointing. After eight issues of the Wooden Soldiers, all the conflicts are resolved off-page. Bigby wipes out the Wooden Soldiers, but we only get to see the Gingerbread House Witch's description of it. And the Witch vs. Red Riding Hood/Baba Yaga battle is only shown in one panel, reflected in King Cole's eye. Lame. After eight issues of build-up, we deserve to witness those resolutions. Also, Snow White's running and embracing Bigby was way out of character. First issue of Fables that let me down. At least there's a new story next issue.

Punisher: Which is more than I can say for this title. I've already complained about this tedious storyline before. All I'll add now is, I wish every goddam story in every goddam Marvel Comic weren't Constitutionally required to be six goddam issues.

Scurvy Dogs: Hilarious as always. Everyone should get this book. This issue, Blackbeard's crew gets swept up in a media frenzy orchestrated by Buck Rogers in the 25th Century's Dr. Theopolis -- remember him? He was the talking disc Twiki carried around his neck. Twiki dumped him, and now a gasoline-drinking Rod Stewart carries him instead. This book is sheer comic genius.

Street Angel: As is this one. I picked up the second issue because of a mention of it in John Jakala's Grotesque Anatomy (oddly enough, in a post with a negative review of the upcoming third issue). I really want to go into this issue in more detail, because its insane comedic brilliance deserves proper attention, but I will mention it involves a Mexican wresting mask-wearing Incan sun god, Spanish Conquistador Cortez, who strangely enough has a pegleg and talks like a movie pirate, a bunch of ninjas who ride fire engines into battle (so much for that vaunted ninja stealth!), Cosmick, the world's first Irish astronaut (Cosmick, get it?), and Jesse, a teenage girl, master of the martial arts, and the world's greatest homeless skateboarder, who fights against "ninjas, drugs, nepotism, and pre-algebra as Street Angel." I loved this book.

COMICS: Wed. 7/14/04

I just spent over an hour on a comics post that just got obliterated because Blogger's "improvements" to their post creation form are buggy as hell and suck copious amounts of ass. I even right-clicked and saved the text as a precaution: the crash still erased it all. Blogger is a severely shitty site.

GOD DAMN IT!!!

I'm so furious I can't even attempt to recreate the post now. I'm done. Here, here's my frickin' update: Street Angel is awesome, The Punisher and Superman/Batman need to finish their tedious current storylines right now, the finish of the Wooden Soldiers story in Fables was surprisingly disappointing, Chaykin's Bite Club is just okay, while his Challengers of the Unknown is excellent, visually exciting with a compelling story, though the characters are all underdeveloped so far, and The Pulse was typical Bendis, meaning the story is padded beyond belief, but I still liked it, the dialogue, and the characters.

And I haven't yet read She-Hulk, Robert Kirkman's debut on Captain America, Scurvy Dogs, and Eightball.

God damn lousy Blogger.

MOVIES: Smallville is in the Outback?

Good news and bad news about the upcoming Superman movie.

Good news first: according to this item on IMDb, talentless hack extraordinaire McG, who inflicted the two Charlie's Angels films on an unsuspecting public, has backed out of (been fired from?) the project, citing the production's move to Australia (Australia??) as a reason.

Bad news: IMDb now lists ADHD poster child and reigning King of the Hacks Michael Bay as the director. This is the man responsible for Bad Boys II, people. He is pure evil. Michael Bay is, in fact, the devil, and anyone who suggests otherwise is in all likelihood a minion of hell, and should be dealt with accordingly.

Also, why does everyone keep calling this a sequel? It's starting over from scratch, not picking up where this damn thing left off.