Tom gives up on the Emmys -- Part 2

Part 1.

The highlights are few and far between. The Blue Man Group? That's just weird. They're kind of entertaining in a used-to-be-hip way, but it's just odd. Now, if David Cross had been up there with them, that would've been comedy genius. And... Amazing Race wins Best Reality Show, or whatever this category is called. I'm a little burned out on the show, but there's no question it's still the best of a wretched lot, so that's a nice win there. In fact, that may be the last award to go to the most deserving nominee for the rest of the night.

Hey, it's Zach Braff and Hugh Laurie! I like both of them. What a pleasant surprise. Funny bit with Hugh dropping the American accent, and Zach doing an awful British accent to match him. "Try and upstage me." Then Blythe Danner wins for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. Oh, brother. Now, I've got no problem with Blythe Danner, nor with Huff -- in fact, I've never seen Huff. Actually, that's the problem: how the fuck does she win for a Showtime series nobody I know has ever seen, when HBO can't manage an acting win for Deadwood or Six Feet Under or Entourage?? (My bitterness is aided and abetted by knowing the results in advance.) Showtime knows who to bribe, apparently. Also, like I said, I've never seen Huff, and I'm sure Blythe Danner is excellent. But CCH Pounder got robbed.

Oh, Hugh Jackman won for something earlier that I don't really care about. But whatever it was, at least he kept fellow nominee Whoopi Goldberg from winning. God, she's awful. Awful!

Jason Lee and Debra Messing present some award for some miniseries or something, who cares. But damn, with that mustache and his hair slicked back, Jason looks like he should be in the cast of Deadwood! That I'd like to see. Then Lauren Graham and Jennifer Love Hewitt come out to present some other minseries award I could give a rat's ass about. But that doesn't matter: it's Lauren Graham! Oh, how I love Lauren Graham. Possibly in ways and at levels which, if not explicitly illegal, at the very least surely have me on some kind of a government watch list. Also, as astoundingly stupid as her Ghost Whisperer show promises to be (it is, you may recall, the one new non-reality show of the year that I am refusing to watch -- for reasons of principle, believe it or not!), she sure is easy on the eyes.

Speaking of which, here comes Alyson Hannigan. Is she still married? She is? Aw, shucks! (As if that affects my chances with her one iota.) Sadly, she's introducing another "Emmy Idol" segment: Kristin Bell performing the theme to Fame.

Pop quiz: I think Kristin Bell is

A) the cat's pajamas
B) the cat's meow
C) the cat's whiskers
D) all of the above

Pencils down! The correct answer, of course, is D. Veronica Mars is fantastic, and she's the main reason why. And yet, this is almost unwatchable. Bad lip-synching. And who picked these songs? Who the hell gets to say Fame and Green Acres had the best theme songs in the first place? (What would I pick instead? Joey Scarbury's "Believe It Or Not," of course!)

Ha! Chris O'Donnell and Rachel Bilson get stuck with the suckiest job of the night, presenting... other presenters! They introduce the winners of Guest Actor and Actress in a Comedy, Bobby Cannavale and Kathryn Joosten. Who then present Best Directing for Something Something. Some guy named "Bucky" wins for the XXVIII Olympiad. There's a hilariously awkward moment, where Cannavale can't figure out how to say "XXVIII." And then they present the awards for Best Writing for Etc., which I love. The filmed bits each show prepares to announce their writing staff are always a crack-up. The clip from Conan O'Brien wins this year, hands down. But they don't win the Emmy -- The Daily Show does, as is only fair and right. Hey, maybe the Emmys aren't so bad after all!

Then Doris Roberts wins, and brings her fucking grandkids onstage, and I have to take another break.

Part 3.