You Know What I Like? Me.

Sorry I haven't updated for a while. In the past few days, I've broken my foot, and my car has died. 2005 is not winning me over just yet.

Today I present my last Top Ten of 2004 list. And I thought, since all Top Ten lists are inherently egocentric and self-promotional, for my final list I would give you the ultimate masturbatory indulgence:

Tom the Dog's Top Ten Posts of 2004!

HA! I rule! Yes, here are the ten entries since TTDYKWIL? opened in June of last year that I thought were the most significant, the funniest, the best written, the most unfairly overlooked, or in some other way struck my fancy. It is a paean to the wonder of me! My name is Tom the Dog, King of Kings! Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!

In chronological order:

1. MOVIES: I'm a good walker, bro. June 28, 2004
   
   My third entry (way back when I was still watching my language; by the way: fuck), my first proper review, and the first and last time I actually used the term "You know what I like?" in one of my posts. I had originally planned on that being a recurring phrase. Guess not.
   
   It's a review of The Station Agent, a wonderful but little seen film that I hope I can get more people to see with this new link. Back when it originally posted, my daily hits were in the high single digits. Now they're in the low triple digits. Yeah, I know, whoopity-doo, but maybe some of you folks who weren't around at the start will now rent the DVD because of this, and that would make me very happy.



2. TV: What about Grape Ape? July 20, 2004
   
   This post, which only kind of almost references Grape Ape in the final paragraph, was the first one which got me some attention via unexpected linkage. It's a pretty funny (if I say so myself, and clearly, I have no problem doing just that) rant about various video music channels, and their infuriating failure to show videos:
   
   

   And, if you've only seen music videos on TRL, here's the kicker -- actual music videos last the ENTIRE LENGTH of a song, and are NOT OBSCURED by fawning text messages from sub-literate dipshits with computer access in their detention facilities, and are ENTIRELY FREE of screaming idiots in Times Square superimposed over the screen!

   as well as a rave for the so, so beautiful VH1 Classic.



3. COMMERCIALS: At least they didn't drag the Pope into it July 24, 2004
   
   Fred Hembeck just posted about classic cartoons being used in TV ads, and wondered if we would soon see "Yogi Bear scampering off into the woods with a roll of Charmin". Well, it wasn't Yogi, but Charmin actually did produce a truly repellent commercial which featured an animated bear shitting in the woods. I rip on said commercial in this post:
   
   

   ...not only will I never buy Charmin, but I think I now actually hate my body and its natural functions a little bit. Thanks, Charmin! Thank you and your defecating cartoon bear!



4. COMICS: Hulk is coolest one there is! August 4, 2004
   
   Ha! I lied to you! I used the phrase "You know what I like?" in this post, too. (My mistake.) In this post I profess my love for ol' Jade Jaws:
   
   

   The Hulk just wanted to kick back in the forest, away from all the puny humans, feed grass to an innocent deer who didn't know to be afraid of the green monster, compose some haikus, I don't know -- and then some dumbass supervillain would always come along and drop a building on the Hulk's head. And so the Hulk would have no choice but to GRRRAAAARRRRRR HULK SMASH!! and whale the holy living shit out of the bad guy.



5. My Herculean Olympics coverage: Part 1 August 18, 2004; Part 2 and Part 3 August 19, 2004; Part 4 August 20, 2004; Part 5 August 23, 2004; Part 6 August 29, 2004
   
   I'm extremely happy with my writing on the Olympics, #1) because it's the most I've written about any one subject, and I think it's pretty well-rounded and entertaining, #2) because I didn't see any other blog doing anything like it, and #3) this is where the running gag about Misty May's ass began. To this day I still get near-daily hits from search engine requests for "Misty May's ass".
   
   Did I mention Misty May's ass?



6. My titanic Emmys coverage: Part 1 and Part 2 September 19, 2004
   
   My first minute-by-minute recapping for this blog; an insanely detailed look at the 2004 Emmys, from the red carpet to the final award. I really love doing this kind of thing, even if very few of you people seem to share my enjoyment. You can expect the same for the Oscars this year. I'd do it for the Grammys and the Tonys too, if my threshold for pain were much much higher.



7. MUSIC: I Get A Kick Out Of... October 12, 2004; MUSIC: Somebody better put you back into your place October 13, 2004
   
   A couple lists of various little things I enjoy about a number of different songs, from John Lennon's singing "Don't you know that you can count me out... in" on "Revolution" and Freddie Mercury's odd pronunciation of "Marie Antoinette" on "Killer Queen".
   
   
8. Nerd Heaven November 29, 2004
   
   My account of the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek Experience, the nerdiest place on Earth. And of getting really, really drunk.
   
   

   When the door closed on the shuttle pod, Scoot began poking all the fake buttons on the wall next to him, prompting one of the employees spying on us to announce over the intercom that we shouldn't bother touching the console controls, because they were DNA-encoded to respond only to Enterprise crewmembers. We loved that. Neeerrrrrrd Heaven.

   
   
9. MUSIC: Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs December 2, 2004
   
   One of the highest comment-counts ever for one of my posts. Clearly, I like ripping on "Best of" lists as much as I like making them, and so do you folks.



10. I don't get it December 8, 2004
    
    And finally, the post which I believe has garnered the most comments ever in the short history of my site. It's a list of overwhelmingly popular things, like Radiohead, or My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that I'm not a fan of myself. In fact, I think they stink. So there.

Thank you to all of you who visited my little blog in 2004. And here's to much more pop culture goodness in 2005!

TV: What about Grape Ape?

The three-month free preview of certain premium package channels on DirecTV just expired, which means I must once again survive without VH1 Classic. And I don't think I can.

Oh, sweet, sweet VH1 Classic. Get this: it's a music video channel -- that plays music videos! No, I'm serious! (Music videos, for those of you who are under 25, and therefore may never have seen one, are short films built around a particular song, often featuring the song's artists pretending to sing, and, as often as not, buxom women in various stages of undress. And, if you've only seen music videos on TRL, here's the kicker -- actual music videos last the ENTIRE LENGTH of a song, and are NOT OBSCURED by fawning text messages from sub-literate dipshits with computer access in their detention facilities, and are ENTIRELY FREE of screaming idiots in Times Square superimposed over the screen! Hard to believe, isn't it?)

MTV was lost to fans of music videos a long, long time ago. If you want "reality" programming showcasing the most repugnant alleged human beings on the planet, if you want pranks performed by a B-list celebrity on C-list dupes, if you want "news" "documentaries" about breast implants and other real-life issues, as long as they involve tits, if you want millionaires rubbing your nose in your non-millionaire life by showing you their personal bowling alleys and movie theaters and 87 pimped-out Rolls Royces, if you want awards shows that can't even get the major winners to show up to the ceremony, hosted by anyone who once appeared on In Living Color who isn't Jim Carrey, if you want Gideon and Suchin Pak, for Christ's sake... then you want your MTV! If you want music videos, however -- or, even more specifically, non hip-hop music videos -- try checking in at about 3 AM, and maybe they'll throw a Creed bone your way.

The original VH1 is even worse. They rode a minor popularity wave for a while in the '90s, with non-video programming like Behind the Music and Pop-Up Video, but that eventually petered out, and rather than going back to showing the Video Hits that the VH in their name stands for, they went all-nostalgia, all the time. I Love the '80s! I Love the '70s! I Love the '80s Strikes Back! I Love the '90s! Even Best Week Ever, which attempts to manufacture nostalgia for last Thursday. And if it's not nostalgia, then it's crappy, crappy, crappy movies, like Grease 2 or -- and I still can't believe this one -- a heavily censored version of Showgirls. Which, truth be told, is almost as unintentionally hilarious as the original -- the fact that someone actually digitally added bras to all the topless women cracks me up.

MTV2, for the longest time, I thought was the answer to my music video quest. They're all about the music, right? Well, for all I know, they might very well have been -- up until the point that I actually started getting it. Then it turned into a rerun-dumping ground for MTV, broken up by four-hour blocks of hip-hop. Okay, I get it already: the kids love the hip-hop. But I'm pretty sure other music is still being made, check me if I'm wrong. Would it kill you to play a video of one of those songs?

But then there's VH1 Classic. Sweet, sweet VH1 Classic. I would gladly trade the dozens of channels which are devoted to people decorating other people's homes (by force, if necessary) for VH1 Classic. I would give up all 28 variations on the Discovery Channel, I would sacrifice at least 10 of the 12 sports stations, I'd even give them back UPN, if they would only give me my one music video channel that only plays music videos.

And when I tell you they play only music videos, I'm not screwing around: they don't even have commercials. At most, they break for a minute-long promo of something on VH1, or for a VJ to talk about Styx's current album, as though anyone gives a rat's ass about any Styx album more recent than 20 years ago. And then they get right back to playing a music video, all of it, all the way through, no announcer speaking over the beginning or end or anything. And then after that, they play another one. And another. Until you just want to weep for the beauty of it all.

The catch, of course, is that they're all older videos, at least five years old, I'd say, and usually more. The bonus is: no Creed! No Nelly! No Fred Durst! No Britney Spears! No Matchbox 20!

And again: I now have to learn to live without it. The free preview was wonderful, wonderful enough that I'd gladly pay for it -- if I only had to pay for that one channel. Instead, I would have to pay for a whole buttload of channels that I don't give a damn about, because DirecTV loves to screw you like that. "Why can't I pay a fraction of that price and get just the one channel?" I ask DirecTV. "Because sit down and shut up," they respond.

(This is why I don't get HBO. I can't just get the one HBO that has The Sopranos. I have to also pay for HBO2, and HBO West, and HBO East, and HBO Reykjavik, Iceland, and HBO Family, and HBO Sports, and HBO Comedy, and HBO All Fraggle Rock All the Time, and HBO Dance For Us, Clown, DANCE!!!)

So, in summary: crap.

Also, I don't get Boomerang anymore, either, which is okay, because I didn't watch it nearly as much as I thought I would, anyway. I guess my craving for Huckleberry Hound and Top Cat and Wally Gator and Magilla Gorilla wasn't as strong as I thought it was. Oh well.