More YouTube? Yes, more YouTube.

From the people too stupid to live who brought you instructions on toothpick boxes and "HOT" labels on hot coffee comes this latest moronic warning:


At the very beginning of the commercial, at the bottom of the screen in tiny type, it actually says the following:

"SCENE FROM POLTERGEIST. NOT INTENDED TO DEPICT ACTUAL CABLE VIEWING EXPERIENCE."

The sad thing is, if they hadn't included that warning, which essentially says, "This fake scene cribbed from a horror movie is not intended to be taken literally, dummy," some idiot -- or even more likely, some dick deliberately playing the idiot -- would have found some way to sue DirecTV over this.

Somehow I want to blame Bush for this. Can I blame Bush? I blame Bush.

Yes, it fills me up, smart ass... with awful, awful beer

Two things about this commercial:

1. That girl is really cute, even is she does use her miraculous ability to control time in order to be condescending about awful beer.

2. In the final seconds of the commercial, when the "Drinkability" logo appears... it looks like the logo is peeing on itself.


If you watch the commercial again, you'll notice the puddle between the K and the A spreads. Kind of like Drinkability's bladder let loose after a few too many Bud Lights. I guess if I were to be generous, I would guess that that expanding pool is really supposed to indicate frozen ice (?). Or something? But whatever the intent, it looks like the logo is pissing itself. Which is not a good image to associate with a beer.

You Know What I Like? Me.

Sorry I haven't updated for a while. In the past few days, I've broken my foot, and my car has died. 2005 is not winning me over just yet.

Today I present my last Top Ten of 2004 list. And I thought, since all Top Ten lists are inherently egocentric and self-promotional, for my final list I would give you the ultimate masturbatory indulgence:

Tom the Dog's Top Ten Posts of 2004!

HA! I rule! Yes, here are the ten entries since TTDYKWIL? opened in June of last year that I thought were the most significant, the funniest, the best written, the most unfairly overlooked, or in some other way struck my fancy. It is a paean to the wonder of me! My name is Tom the Dog, King of Kings! Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!

In chronological order:

1. MOVIES: I'm a good walker, bro. June 28, 2004
   
   My third entry (way back when I was still watching my language; by the way: fuck), my first proper review, and the first and last time I actually used the term "You know what I like?" in one of my posts. I had originally planned on that being a recurring phrase. Guess not.
   
   It's a review of The Station Agent, a wonderful but little seen film that I hope I can get more people to see with this new link. Back when it originally posted, my daily hits were in the high single digits. Now they're in the low triple digits. Yeah, I know, whoopity-doo, but maybe some of you folks who weren't around at the start will now rent the DVD because of this, and that would make me very happy.



2. TV: What about Grape Ape? July 20, 2004
   
   This post, which only kind of almost references Grape Ape in the final paragraph, was the first one which got me some attention via unexpected linkage. It's a pretty funny (if I say so myself, and clearly, I have no problem doing just that) rant about various video music channels, and their infuriating failure to show videos:
   
   

   And, if you've only seen music videos on TRL, here's the kicker -- actual music videos last the ENTIRE LENGTH of a song, and are NOT OBSCURED by fawning text messages from sub-literate dipshits with computer access in their detention facilities, and are ENTIRELY FREE of screaming idiots in Times Square superimposed over the screen!

   as well as a rave for the so, so beautiful VH1 Classic.



3. COMMERCIALS: At least they didn't drag the Pope into it July 24, 2004
   
   Fred Hembeck just posted about classic cartoons being used in TV ads, and wondered if we would soon see "Yogi Bear scampering off into the woods with a roll of Charmin". Well, it wasn't Yogi, but Charmin actually did produce a truly repellent commercial which featured an animated bear shitting in the woods. I rip on said commercial in this post:
   
   

   ...not only will I never buy Charmin, but I think I now actually hate my body and its natural functions a little bit. Thanks, Charmin! Thank you and your defecating cartoon bear!



4. COMICS: Hulk is coolest one there is! August 4, 2004
   
   Ha! I lied to you! I used the phrase "You know what I like?" in this post, too. (My mistake.) In this post I profess my love for ol' Jade Jaws:
   
   

   The Hulk just wanted to kick back in the forest, away from all the puny humans, feed grass to an innocent deer who didn't know to be afraid of the green monster, compose some haikus, I don't know -- and then some dumbass supervillain would always come along and drop a building on the Hulk's head. And so the Hulk would have no choice but to GRRRAAAARRRRRR HULK SMASH!! and whale the holy living shit out of the bad guy.



5. My Herculean Olympics coverage: Part 1 August 18, 2004; Part 2 and Part 3 August 19, 2004; Part 4 August 20, 2004; Part 5 August 23, 2004; Part 6 August 29, 2004
   
   I'm extremely happy with my writing on the Olympics, #1) because it's the most I've written about any one subject, and I think it's pretty well-rounded and entertaining, #2) because I didn't see any other blog doing anything like it, and #3) this is where the running gag about Misty May's ass began. To this day I still get near-daily hits from search engine requests for "Misty May's ass".
   
   Did I mention Misty May's ass?



6. My titanic Emmys coverage: Part 1 and Part 2 September 19, 2004
   
   My first minute-by-minute recapping for this blog; an insanely detailed look at the 2004 Emmys, from the red carpet to the final award. I really love doing this kind of thing, even if very few of you people seem to share my enjoyment. You can expect the same for the Oscars this year. I'd do it for the Grammys and the Tonys too, if my threshold for pain were much much higher.



7. MUSIC: I Get A Kick Out Of... October 12, 2004; MUSIC: Somebody better put you back into your place October 13, 2004
   
   A couple lists of various little things I enjoy about a number of different songs, from John Lennon's singing "Don't you know that you can count me out... in" on "Revolution" and Freddie Mercury's odd pronunciation of "Marie Antoinette" on "Killer Queen".
   
   
8. Nerd Heaven November 29, 2004
   
   My account of the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek Experience, the nerdiest place on Earth. And of getting really, really drunk.
   
   

   When the door closed on the shuttle pod, Scoot began poking all the fake buttons on the wall next to him, prompting one of the employees spying on us to announce over the intercom that we shouldn't bother touching the console controls, because they were DNA-encoded to respond only to Enterprise crewmembers. We loved that. Neeerrrrrrd Heaven.

   
   
9. MUSIC: Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs December 2, 2004
   
   One of the highest comment-counts ever for one of my posts. Clearly, I like ripping on "Best of" lists as much as I like making them, and so do you folks.



10. I don't get it December 8, 2004
    
    And finally, the post which I believe has garnered the most comments ever in the short history of my site. It's a list of overwhelmingly popular things, like Radiohead, or My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that I'm not a fan of myself. In fact, I think they stink. So there.

Thank you to all of you who visited my little blog in 2004. And here's to much more pop culture goodness in 2005!

COMMERCIALS: At least they didn't drag the Pope into it

You know what I hate? That series of Charmin commercials in which a cartoon bear takes a crap.

Have you seen these? Apparently inspired by the phrase, "Does a bear shit in the woods?" the Charmin people have gone one step further: "Does a bear wipe its ass after taking a shit in the woods?" The answer, according to the series of ads dubbed (I'm not joking here) "Call of Nature": yes. Yes it does. (And it doesn't use a rabbit.)

Now, if you just had the cartoon bear cuddling and squeezing the Charmin, as human shills for toilet paper do, that would be fine. But Charmin apparently thinks that anything a cartoon does is cute. So, in the first of these commercials I ever had the displeasure to witness, we see a bouncy, pastel-colored, happy cartoon bear stepping up to a tree, ensuring the Charmin is near to hand (paw), hunkering down in a squat behind the tree oh my good lord is that bear doing what I think it's doing??

Next we get a close-up of the bear's face, which is creased with the concentration of one passing a truly heroic load out the back door. And then: bliss. The bear's face lights up in ecstasy. At long last, after all those years of having to drag its ass across the gravel, the bear finally has t.p. for its bunghole! And clearly the feeling is heavenly. Oh, what delight the bear is experiencing, smearing Charmin brand toilet tissue across its filthy, stinging, dung-encrusted sphincter!

This is one of those commercials that, intentionally or not, disgusts and alienates its target audience. Much like those Carl's Jr. ads, in which a cast of mannerless idiots revel in making a revolting mess out of their gooey, dripping, nauseating meals, with the tagline, "If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face." Those commercials, rather than making me hungry for Carl's Jr., filled me with great vengeance and furious anger. Not only did I never ever ever want to go to Carl's Jr. ever again, I actually wished I never had to eat anything for the rest of my life. These Charmin commercials have the same effect: not only will I never buy Charmin, but I think I now actually hate my body and its natural functions a little bit.

Thanks, Charmin! Thank you and your defecating cartoon bear!