Tom gives up on the Emmys -- Part 1

So, I'm watching the Emmys. They're tape-delayed on the West Coast, you know. By 27 hours. Weird, but true.

Anyway, it's not very good, is it? Earth, Wind & Fire are singing new and supposedly funny lyrics to one of their old songs. Man, if you're gonna pull that kind of shit, why don't you just hire Weird Al and be done with it? At least then it'd have a good forty, forty-five percent chance of actually being funny.

Then they go into the audience, which, as Krusty the Clown has rightly said, is death. But then Marg Helgenberger gets up and shakes her groove thing and all is forgiven. Smokin' hot, that one is.

Ellen Degeneres comes out, and she seems a little rusty, a little off. Most of her bit is fairly mediocre, but she's always so darn likeable. I like the "North Korean People's Choice Awards" joke, and her laughing suggestion that she should host the Oscars is no joke to me. Damn right, she should. Anything to keep that godawful Whoopi Goldberg away from them. She's awful. She's just awful. I don't care for her, is what I'm saying. Awful!

The four Desperate Housewives (plus Nicolette Sheridan, who, like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, will not be ignored) come out, and even though Teri Hatcher's Groucho-like delivery of the alleged punchline is tremendously lame, I still think she's adorable just for gamely committing to it. Teri Hatcher has a very large buffer zone of adorability. Then Felicity Huffman says, regarding the failed joke, "Clunk!" and it makes me glad that, if Housewives had to win an award, wrongly placed as it is in the Comedy category, at least it was Felicity. She rocks.

Brad Garrett wins the Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Emmy for the 87th time. Hey, remember the '80s? Remember when John Larroquette won four straight Emmys in this very category, for Night Court? Do you know what he did? For the rest of the show's run, he withdrew his name from eligibility. He refused to accept another nomination, because he felt someone else should have a chance. That requires an awful lot of class. I don't know why I thought of that right now, Brad. Good riddance to you. (And David Hyde Pierce before him.)

By the way, the proper winner of this category: if you must go sentimental, give it to Peter Boyle, who has never won. (For Raymond; he did win an Emmy as Guest Star in the greatest X-Files episode ever, "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose.") If you want to give it to the actual best actor, well, it's a tough call between Jeremy Piven and Jeffrey Tambor, but I think I'd have given it to Piven. As good as Tambor is, Piven is, like, 90% of the reason Entourage works. Without him, the show wouldn't be anywhere near the success it is.

Ellen does another bit from the audience, with Eva Longoria. It's kind of funny, but I wish the stage people would just stay on the stage. Then Kevin Bacon's wife and Jack Bauer come out to present Best Supporting Actor in a Drama. They don't attempt a joke, bless their hearts.

The Shat wins. William Shatner! For the second year in a row! It's a funny world. Every stand-up comedian in the country has made a joke about the Shat's acting style, and he wins back-to-back freakin' Emmys. Felicity Huffman's gonna win for Comedy, when she should be nominated in the Drama category, and the Shat wins in Drama, when he should be in Comedy. Yep, it's a funny old world.

Then Ellen introduces the whole "Emmy Idol" thing, which is the lamest idea for an awards show since Rob Lowe sang with Snow White at the Oscars. And who is up first but -- Donald Trump!

That's it! I'm outta here! I quit. I give up on the Emmys. I'm calling a halt to it right now. I can not watch a single more minute of this.

Without drinking a beer. Or three. Be back later...

Part 2.