Fragment: Minute-by-minute at the 2008 Emmys Ceremony

For the sake of posterity, or something, here is the fragment of my Emmys recap that survived Blogger's massive fuck-up last night.

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Hello and welcome to the most irrelevant and untimely "liveblogging" of any event ever! Or, as Richard Marcej suggests I call this recap of an event three days past, "TiVoblogging." Enjoy.

7:00 -- The show begins with a taped bit in which contemporary TV stars recite classic TV catchphrases. It's dreadful (except possibly for the bit with the two Baldwins -- Alec: "Mom always did like you best." William: "She also liked Daniel and Stephen better than you"). I open my first beer, despite the fact that I'm actually on lunch break from work right now. Hey, some traditions you don't fuck with.

Also, I realize my DVR, which is not technically a TiVo, doesn't have a timestamp on recordings like TiVo does, so I can't go strictly minute-by-minute as I prefer to do. Aside from noting the show's 7:00 start time, all my other gems will simply be bullet points. Sad.

--Oprah Winfrey opens the live ceremony. Her forehead is nearly as huge as her cleavage. She is tremendously aristocratic in her delivery, as well as self-congratulatory, both specifically of her own program (and its ability to influence book sales) and of TV in general. Why do people like her?

--She introduces the five (!) hosts for the evening, the five nominees for Outstanding Host for Reality or Reality Competition Programming: Tom Bergeron, Heidi Klum, Howie Mandel, Jeff Probst, and Ryan Seacrest. Ugh.

--Seacrest is instant death. Mandel, ad-libbing on the significance of the Emmys' nod to reality programming, is even worse, and Probst is visibly, amusingly, genuinely upset with him for interrupting. All the hosts wear matching suits and ties, even Klum (who is stunning), who towers above all four men. Only Probst is tieless, oddly.

--While Probst, Mandel, and Seacrest all try to hog the spotlight, talking over one another in obnoxious fashion, Bergeron and Klum appear to be equally mortified. They even appear to share a moment: just as the camera cuts away from the five-shot, I see Bergeron leaning in toward Klum, possibly to say, "Can you believe these pricks?" I imagine Klum might respond: "I am maybe the most attractive woman on the planet -- top five, easy. My beauty elevates me above this. There is no reason I should have to tolerate these hammy turds."

--They riff for an infinity on how they have nothing written. Bergeron now appears openly hostile, which is possibly an act, possibly not. The three hams finally exit, leaving Bergeron and Klum on damage control.

--William Shatner gets called up from the audience in one of the weirdest, most awkward staged bits ever: Bergeron and Shatner yank off Klum's suit, revealing a sparkly hot pants number underneath. I mean, I'm all for more skin from Heidi Klum, but this is creeping me out. Every single second of this ceremony thus far has been agonizingly awful.

--Tina Fey and Amy Poehler! Thank fucking god.

--Fey to a very pregnant Poehler: "When are you due?" Poehler: "How dare you! I've gained weight for a role."

--Supporting Actor in a Comedy goes to Jeremy Piven, again. Three in a row, Emmys? I mean, I like him, but come on. At least Rainn Wilson and Neil Patrick Harris were nominated; perhaps next year, when people begin realizing how done Entourage is, one of them will get the win they deserve.

--Piven rips on the hosts: "What if I just kept talking, for 12 minutes? That was the opening."

--Beer #2. Hey, at least I'm off work now.

--Bergeron and Seacrest are sitting in a replica of Seinfeld's cafe set. Perhaps they think if they pretend to be part of a great show, we will stop noticing how bad this show is. They are wrong.

--I still stand by my assertion that Julia Louis-Dreyfus is getting more lovely as she ages. Too bad the patter written for her here is so terrible. She presents Supporting Actress in a Comedy to Jean Smart, for Designing Women. Well, at least I imagine that's why she won, because it can't be for her weak-ass role on Samantha Who.

--Smart, on Samantha Who: "The most amazing, brilliant, hilarious cast in the world." Hyperbole at the Emmys? Never!

--People Smart thanks before her family: Christina Applegate, the cast, the producers, the writers, the executives at ABC, her show's cushy timeslot, her agency, her agent, her publicity firm, her publicist.

--After a brief moment of silence, Probst interrupts Klum just as she begins to speak to tell her it's her turn to speak. Klum, cuttingly: "Yeah, thanks."

--They introduce the cast of Desperate Housewives who appear on a Housewives set. Dana Delany -- man, she is still smokin' hot. Jeez, something happened to Marcia Clark, though. Yikes.

--Supporting Actor in a Drama goes to Ted Danson. I wrote that before they announced the winner. Looks like I was wrong. Zeljko Ivanek, Danson's castmate on Damages, actually wins, and gets the dubious honor of hearing his name massacred by Delany. I'm amazed he's never even been nominated before; he's very good. Too bad he won't be in the next season.

--Ricky Gervais! Man, he is so effortlessly charming and funny, it makes the reality show hosts look even more humor-free and inept, if that's possible.

--Speaking of his Emmy win in 2007: "The press called it a major upset. Which means they thought I shouldn't have won." This precedes a very funny routine in which he tries to get Steve Carell, who had accepted the award for him, to give it back. Carell eventually pulls an Emmy out from under his seat and reluctantly surrenders it. Awesome.

--Directing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program goes to the guy who directed the Oscars, which it seems like always happens. Yawn. I didn't do my picks this year, so there's really no reason to go through every single award, keeping track of my record, is there?

--Conan O'Brien appears, weirdly, on a set for The Simpsons, rather than his own program. I mean, he appeared in an episode, and of course started out as a writer for the show, but it still seems kind of like a slight to Late Night, which he's been doing for 15 damn years already.

--Supporting Actress in a Drama goes to Dianne Wiest, for a show nobody I know has ever watched. At least she's not present, so we're spared one speech.

--The clips for the nominees for Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program are always among the funniest bits at the Emmys, since they are created by the writers of the nominated programs. The Colbert Report writers are depicted enjoying a Christmas party, with Colbert as the shotgun-wielding, boxers-clad hillbilly who chases them out of his cabin. The Daily Show group uses clips of bozos in the audiences of the two big political conventions to represent themselves. The Late Night writers are children adopted by Angelina Jolie and Conan O'Brien. Dr. Phil diagnoses the Late Show staff: "Jeremy Weiner: enabler. Joe Grossman: delusional. Bill Sheft: messed up." And of course, David Letterman: "miserable old psychopathic wack-job." And the SNL writers use Wii Miis, which is pretty lame. The Colbert Report wins, which is sweet.

--Mandel is back. Ugh. He and Probst introduce the accountants, which is death. Steve Martin follows, which is quite a jarring contrast.

--Speaking of The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, Martin calls it "perspicacious, multifarious, and only sometimes placatory. And believe me, I only use those words to see how closed captioning will spell them." My closed captioning doesn't even attempt perspicacious, but the other two come out as "multifair yus" and "placetory."

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And that's it! Approximately two-and-a-half, three hours of Emmys watching and recapping after that: gone, baby, gone. Oh well, at least 30 Rock won a ton of Emmys. Although even that didn't stop Tina Fey from desperately imploring the audience to tune in. And the sad thing is, they mostly still won't watch the funniest comedy on TV. Stupid audience!

FUCK YOU BLOGGER

A Blogger glitch just deleted my Emmy recap post, which I had spent literally four hours on. And yes, I had recently saved it. Still didn't help. Poof, gone!

As you might imagine, I am so fucking mad I wish every employee of Blogger had one neck and my hands were tightly wrapped around it.

It was a good fucking post, too. You would've enjoyed it. God fuckity fuck fuck damn it.

I'm going to bed.

2008 Emmys

Well, I had a big post on my Emmy predictions that I was trying to finish up before last night, but I guess I can discard it now.

I actually didn't even watch the Emmys. I TiVoed them, but I was watching the Cowboys game at a friend's house during the ceremony. I have no idea who won anything (and I'm trying not to find out, which will be difficult, so no spoilers!). Oh, except for Don Rickles. Al Michaels annonunced during the game that Don Rickles had won an Emmy, which must mean Stephen Colbert lost. RICKLES!!!

I'm considering doing an after-the-fact liveblogging of the ceremony. I haven't liveblogged anything for a while -- which is probably a good thing, indicating that I've been too busy doing fun stuff in Austin rather than watching awards ceremonies by myself. But I always enjoyed doing those big-ass posts, so... who says liveblogging has to be live? Heck, I always got a couple hours behind real time on those posts anyway, due to all the pausing I did to type out my pearls of witticism. Now I'll be a couple days behind. What's the diff?

EDIT: Geez, how the hell do I kill time at work on the internet while trying not to find out what happened at the Emmys? That rules out just about every major site except Google.

Sidebar Update!

Time for the coveted Sidebar Update! And barely a month after the last one! Who says I'm not on the ball around here? You? Well, you're a dirty, dirty liar.

The current Object of My Affection is Elizabeth Banks, whom I can't believe I've never mentioned before on this blog. I've been infatuated with her since her appearance as Betty Brant in the first Spider-Man, but where I really fell head over heels for her was when I discovered what a fantastic comedic actress she was in films like Wet Hot American Summer and The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and her guest appearances on Scrubs. (She still wasn't enough to get me to see Fred Claus, though.) She, and Kevin Smith, are currently getting some of the best reviews of their careers for the upcoming Zack and Miri Make a Porno, which is a must-see for me. Smith will actually be here in Austin showing a sneak preview of the film on Thursday, though sadly I'll be at a concert and have to miss it. Dang it! Too much fun stuff at once in this crazy town! By the way, have you seen the movie poster which has been banned in the U.S.? I warn you, it will make your eyes bleed and destroy your moral values:


Shocking! Scandalous! By which I mean: whoop-de-fucking-doo. Canada has no problem with this poster. Canada! Jeez, get some balls, America.

Reading: like I said yesterday, I'm tackling David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest. I plan on keeping record of my current page count over on the sidebar, to help humiliate myself into getting through it in a timely fashion. And really, it's not an especially difficult book, or unpleasant to read; it's just the sheer immensity of it which is intimidating.

Watching: nothing is holding my attention quite like the final season of The Shield. Absolutely riveting, brilliant TV. Not to malign Mad Men, which is very fine, but how the hell does that show get a million Emmy nominations while The Shield doesn't get shit? For Michael Chiklis, Walton Goggins, Forest Whitaker and CCH Pounder to be overlooked in the acting categories is criminal. Seriously, what the hell does Pounder have to do to get the recognition she deserves? As I always seem to say this time of year: if you're nominating Mariska Hargitay for an acting award, you ain't looking hard enough.

Listening: Neil Young's On the Beach, which was recently released for the first time on CD. What a lovely, fantastic album, one I had never before been able to listen to. I was missing out. And the Lyric of the Moment comes from this album as well, from the song "Vampire Blues," which is about the oil industry and rampant gasoline consumerism raping the world. That song is 34 years old. Man, the more things change....

Hating: same jackass, different photo.

You Know What I Like? Me.

Sorry I haven't updated for a while. In the past few days, I've broken my foot, and my car has died. 2005 is not winning me over just yet.

Today I present my last Top Ten of 2004 list. And I thought, since all Top Ten lists are inherently egocentric and self-promotional, for my final list I would give you the ultimate masturbatory indulgence:

Tom the Dog's Top Ten Posts of 2004!

HA! I rule! Yes, here are the ten entries since TTDYKWIL? opened in June of last year that I thought were the most significant, the funniest, the best written, the most unfairly overlooked, or in some other way struck my fancy. It is a paean to the wonder of me! My name is Tom the Dog, King of Kings! Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!

In chronological order:

1. MOVIES: I'm a good walker, bro. June 28, 2004
   
   My third entry (way back when I was still watching my language; by the way: fuck), my first proper review, and the first and last time I actually used the term "You know what I like?" in one of my posts. I had originally planned on that being a recurring phrase. Guess not.
   
   It's a review of The Station Agent, a wonderful but little seen film that I hope I can get more people to see with this new link. Back when it originally posted, my daily hits were in the high single digits. Now they're in the low triple digits. Yeah, I know, whoopity-doo, but maybe some of you folks who weren't around at the start will now rent the DVD because of this, and that would make me very happy.



2. TV: What about Grape Ape? July 20, 2004
   
   This post, which only kind of almost references Grape Ape in the final paragraph, was the first one which got me some attention via unexpected linkage. It's a pretty funny (if I say so myself, and clearly, I have no problem doing just that) rant about various video music channels, and their infuriating failure to show videos:
   
   

   And, if you've only seen music videos on TRL, here's the kicker -- actual music videos last the ENTIRE LENGTH of a song, and are NOT OBSCURED by fawning text messages from sub-literate dipshits with computer access in their detention facilities, and are ENTIRELY FREE of screaming idiots in Times Square superimposed over the screen!

   as well as a rave for the so, so beautiful VH1 Classic.



3. COMMERCIALS: At least they didn't drag the Pope into it July 24, 2004
   
   Fred Hembeck just posted about classic cartoons being used in TV ads, and wondered if we would soon see "Yogi Bear scampering off into the woods with a roll of Charmin". Well, it wasn't Yogi, but Charmin actually did produce a truly repellent commercial which featured an animated bear shitting in the woods. I rip on said commercial in this post:
   
   

   ...not only will I never buy Charmin, but I think I now actually hate my body and its natural functions a little bit. Thanks, Charmin! Thank you and your defecating cartoon bear!



4. COMICS: Hulk is coolest one there is! August 4, 2004
   
   Ha! I lied to you! I used the phrase "You know what I like?" in this post, too. (My mistake.) In this post I profess my love for ol' Jade Jaws:
   
   

   The Hulk just wanted to kick back in the forest, away from all the puny humans, feed grass to an innocent deer who didn't know to be afraid of the green monster, compose some haikus, I don't know -- and then some dumbass supervillain would always come along and drop a building on the Hulk's head. And so the Hulk would have no choice but to GRRRAAAARRRRRR HULK SMASH!! and whale the holy living shit out of the bad guy.



5. My Herculean Olympics coverage: Part 1 August 18, 2004; Part 2 and Part 3 August 19, 2004; Part 4 August 20, 2004; Part 5 August 23, 2004; Part 6 August 29, 2004
   
   I'm extremely happy with my writing on the Olympics, #1) because it's the most I've written about any one subject, and I think it's pretty well-rounded and entertaining, #2) because I didn't see any other blog doing anything like it, and #3) this is where the running gag about Misty May's ass began. To this day I still get near-daily hits from search engine requests for "Misty May's ass".
   
   Did I mention Misty May's ass?



6. My titanic Emmys coverage: Part 1 and Part 2 September 19, 2004
   
   My first minute-by-minute recapping for this blog; an insanely detailed look at the 2004 Emmys, from the red carpet to the final award. I really love doing this kind of thing, even if very few of you people seem to share my enjoyment. You can expect the same for the Oscars this year. I'd do it for the Grammys and the Tonys too, if my threshold for pain were much much higher.



7. MUSIC: I Get A Kick Out Of... October 12, 2004; MUSIC: Somebody better put you back into your place October 13, 2004
   
   A couple lists of various little things I enjoy about a number of different songs, from John Lennon's singing "Don't you know that you can count me out... in" on "Revolution" and Freddie Mercury's odd pronunciation of "Marie Antoinette" on "Killer Queen".
   
   
8. Nerd Heaven November 29, 2004
   
   My account of the Las Vegas Hilton's Star Trek Experience, the nerdiest place on Earth. And of getting really, really drunk.
   
   

   When the door closed on the shuttle pod, Scoot began poking all the fake buttons on the wall next to him, prompting one of the employees spying on us to announce over the intercom that we shouldn't bother touching the console controls, because they were DNA-encoded to respond only to Enterprise crewmembers. We loved that. Neeerrrrrrd Heaven.

   
   
9. MUSIC: Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs December 2, 2004
   
   One of the highest comment-counts ever for one of my posts. Clearly, I like ripping on "Best of" lists as much as I like making them, and so do you folks.



10. I don't get it December 8, 2004
    
    And finally, the post which I believe has garnered the most comments ever in the short history of my site. It's a list of overwhelmingly popular things, like Radiohead, or My Big Fat Greek Wedding, that I'm not a fan of myself. In fact, I think they stink. So there.

Thank you to all of you who visited my little blog in 2004. And here's to much more pop culture goodness in 2005!

TV: Fuggin' It Up

As a companion piece to my Emmys coverage, you might want to check out Heather and Jessica's Go Fug Yourself, a blog dedicated to the hilariously mean-spirited deconstruction of the fashion mistakes of the stars. There's plenty of Emmy coverage on the front page right now, including this insane loincloth outfit worn by Kristin Lehman (whom H & J identify as Tess Smith, for some reason). [EDIT: Yahoo News identifies her as Tess Smith, too, but I'm still with the commenter on that post who thinks it's Lehman. I mean, look at that picture, then look at this picture. Is that not the same person? Ah, whatever.]

I would have commented on the outfits in my own coverage if not for the fact that A) I'm a guy, so my knowledge of fashion extends only so far as to be able to note how much boob is hanging out, and B) Heather and Jessica do it much, much, much better than I ever could hope to.

But come on, you two: no Sharon Stone? You're slipping.

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NEW EDIT, 9/20/05: Welcome, all you people from The Bastardly! Courtesy of their link to this site, I've gotten over 1,000 new hits over the past two days. Thanks, Bastardly!

So, new people: stay a while, why don't you? Take a look around. You came here via a post about hideous fashion at the Emmys; stop by the front page for plenty more bitching about the idiots at that show.

And, as a reward for your time, here is a picture of Olympic gold medalist Misty May's ass.



You're welcome.

TV: Minute-by-minute at the 2004 Emmys Ceremony

8:00 -- We begin with the conceit that the Emmys are a reality show, and already I want to smack the shit out of someone.

8:02 -- Shandling participates in a pre-taped Extreme Makeover bit. Way to set the bar low, Shandling.

8:04 -- Shandling, live, tries to riff off the pre-taped bit. Instant death. Oh, Jesus, is this going to be a long show. By the way: he clearly has had surgery; his face is tighter than Katherine Helmond's in Brazil.

8:06 -- His first good line, lamenting the excess of reality shows on the air: "It's to the point now, when a television commercial comes on, I go, 'Thank God! Professional actors and a story!'"

8:07 -- Al Pacino now looks like Antonio Banderas' younger brother. When the hell did that happen??

8:08 -- Another good line: "We missed Osama Bin-Laden but we got Martha Stewart! Don't tell me we're not a focused country!" Also: Zach Braff is in the house! I wonder if he's presenting?

8:09 -- Early nominee for worst joke: "If the conservatives want to stop homosexuals from having sex, shouldn't they let them get married? That seems to stop my married buddies!" Ouch. My side. It hurts, from the laughing.

8:12 -- Shandling mispronounces presenter Chris Noth's last name (it should rhyme with "both", not "cloth").

8:13 -- For the 87th year in a row, David Hyde Pierce wins Supporting Actor for a Comedy for Frasier. Already my picks are 0-for-1, and all I can think is, man, Jeffrey Tambor has a darker fake tan than Sarah Jessica Parker. Disturbing. Seriously, the announcer says this is Pierce's 11th consecutive nomination, and his 4th win. You gotta imagine a load of audience members are thinking, "Happy retirement, motherfucker!"

8:15 -- Michael Imperioli wins Supporting Actor in a Drama for The Sopranos, which makes me 0-for-2. But I'm okay with that, because he really is quite incredible on that show, and this is an early signal that maybe The West Wing isn't going to dominate as in years past. Too bad for Buscemi, though. Geez, Imperioli's written five episodes of The Sopranos? Suddenly, I hate him. Jealous? Me? Nah!

8:22 -- Simon Cowell and Donald Trump take the stage to co-present an award. If the stage suddenly collapsed on their heads, I think the world would go on, don't you? (For the hostility-impaired, by that I mean: die, die, die.)

8:23 -- 1-for-3! Cynthia Nixon takes Supporting Actress for a Comedy. And strangely, that fails to make me happy. This is an early signal that Sex in the City will dominate as in years past, which just makes me ill.

8:25 -- Portia de Rossi and Jason Bateman come out to present other presenters. That's gotta be the worst gig in the whole show. "We don't matter enough to present an award, but we've been allowed to present other people who will present an award. Pity us." They present...

8:26 -- Laura Linney and John Turturro. Laura Linney is as lovely as the day is long, and I will poke you in the eye if you dare disagree. They present for Direction in a Comedy Series, and -- Arrested Development wins! Calloo, callay! Could it be they now have a shot at Best Comedy? No, no it couldn't. This award is always a consolation prize for the best show that doesn't have a shot at winning the big prize. But it's still cool.

8:31 -- Arrested Development also wins for Writing! Which is also traditionally a runner-up prize, but... both Directing and Writing? Hmm...

8:32 -- Michael Hurwitz (for Arrested Development) gives a very funny acceptance speech. When the music comes up to kick him off the stage, he continues, "And I'd like to sing this now, if I may." Nice.

8:33 -- Cutting to commercial, they show Drea de Matteo with the hairiest, greasiest, grossest-looking little shit in the auditorium. Hey, I've got a shot!

8:38 -- Amber Tamblyn and Zach Braff come out to present. Together, they're my favorite young female and male performer on TV. Which makes me afraid, for no logical reason. Braff to Tamblyn after a joke bombs: "Don't you know God? Couldn't we've got a better joke than that?"

8:39 -- Drea de Matteo wins for Supporting Actress in a Drama. I'm 2-for-4. She looks amazing. And again, apparently I have a shot!

8:40 -- Shandling brings his Larry Sanders co-star Jeffrey Tambor on stage with him. It's pretty funny, which is nice. Then they introduce a bunch of chumps from The O.C., which is not funny.

8:42 -- Wow, Walter Hill (director of The Warriors, among many other action classics) wins for Director of a Drama Series for Deadwood. That's old school, yo.

8:49 -- A montage of great moments from the last year in television makes me wish I had watched more TV, oddly enough. I'm a sad, lonely man.

8:50 -- Until they get to the reality show shit, and then I just want to kill everyone and everything.

8:54 -- Jeffrey Wright wins Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie for Angels in America. In other vital, breaking news, my left butt cheek itches. Wait, wait... ah, that's better.

9:04 -- Jon Stewart comes out, and my hopes are raised. His bit on a George Washington smear commercial "Paid for by Continental Skiff Boat Oarsmen for Veracity" is decent, not great, but it's excellent to see all the Daily Show correspondents in a piece on the Emmys.

9:07 -- I think Elaine Stritch, apparently a 150-year-old vaudeville veteran, is a fictional character, until she actually accepts her Emmy. Weird.

9:08 -- In the aftermath of Janet Jackson and Bono, they bleep the word "Jesus" during her acceptance speech. Dammit, is every network going to be a total pussy until a Democrat gets elected President?

9:13 -- Writing in a Variety/Music/Comedy Program goes to The Daily Show Which is just, yeah, that's obvious. If nothing else, Emmys got at least one dead on the nail.

9:16 -- Okay, somebody's fucking with me. Because Garry Shandling just introduced, in the audience, Kerri Walsh and Misty May. Geez, just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water. Fine, I give up. Just in case my hit count is dropping: Misty May's ass, Misty May's ass, Misty May's ass.

9:21 -- When they show Kiefer Sutherland in the audience, I can see Bonnie Hunt behind him. And goddam if she isn't a bundle of gorgeous. Seriously, she's so lovely, and a comic genius to boot: no wonder ABC cancelled her. Dumbasses.

9:22 -- Mariska Hargitay and Matthew Fox have to do that thing where they present other presenters. They suck. And they present... Sharon Stone and the Shat! Winners for Guest Actress and Guest Actor in a Drama, on The Practice. Sharon Stone is wearing a silk handkerchief, by the way. And they present Writing for a Drama, which goes to The Sopranos. Okay, I'll say it now: if The Sopranos doesn't take Best Drama, I'll eat my hat. (Unless they lose, in which case I'll erase this before I post it.)

9:25 -- A montage of series finales, which oddly makes me wish I had spent less time watching TV. I remain a sad, lonely man.

9:31 -- Mary-Louise Parker wins for Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie, for Angels in America. In other news: my right butt cheek itches. Also: damnation, that's a dress with some cleavage! It lifts and separates!

9:38 -- Wow, Antonio Banderas is actually in the audience, and, referring back to my earlier joke: he's also fatter than Al Pacino. Damn, dude, what happened?

9:39 -- The Daily Show wins for Best Variety/Music/Comedy Program, and again: obvious. The next year it doesn't win this category is the year after it goes off the air. Strange note: when they showed the audience as Stewart & Co. took the stage, there was the sound of wild applause... but I couldn't see one person in the lower level (the "talent" level) applauding. Bitches.

9:42 -- Anthony LaPaglia uses his American accent (he's Australian) even as a presenter. How odd.

9:43 -- Tony Kushner wins for Writing for Best Whatever Angels in America was nominated for because, well, duh. It's not going to lose anything it's nominated for tonight. It's the Return of the King of the Emmys.

9:50 -- In an insane, inspired bit, the presenters for Reality Series are two real people who have no idea that they are presenting -- they're led out on stage in earmuffs and blindfolds. Their reactions on discovering where they are and what they're doing are strangely moving. Stupid reality TV! You got me again!

9:52 -- The Amazing Race beats The Apprentice and American Idol for Reality Series, which is yet another sign that the Emmy voters are less bugfuck insane than in recent years.

9:55 -- Something the Lord Made wins Best TV Movie. I can't even muster a joke here. I've had a six-pack of Pyramid Apricot Ale since the ceremony began, people. Cut me some slack.

10:05 -- Al Pacino wins for Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie for Angels in America. Because, duh. Weirdly, director Mike Nichols looks like Austin Powers, 20 years later. Also: Pacino's speech goes for over three minutes, but the get-off-the-stage music never comes on. Hmm... could that be just because he's Al frickin' Pacino? I wonder.

10:08 -- Anjelica Huston and James Spader announce Mike Nichols wins for Best Directing for Whatever Category Angels in America was nominated for. Because, duh. He doesn't get the music, either.

10:12 -- Taye Diggs and Victor Garber come out to present. Dude, Taye Diggs is the most handsome man in the world, and I don't care who knows I said that. But I'm still very, very straight. Very. Well, mostly. No, very!!

10:13 -- The Emmy voters prove they go for the tallest nominee as Allison Janney wins for the 4th time for Lead Actress in a Drama, in the first category I had a pick in since 8:39. I'm 2-for-5.

10:16 -- The Bob Hope award is presented to Danny Thomas, accepted by Marlo Thomas. Which means, time for me to take a bathroom break.

10:24 -- Sarah Jessica Parker wins Lead Actress in a Comedy. I'm now 3-for-6, and again, I'm not happy about that beak-nosed, wart-chinned witch winning for the crapfest that is Sex and the City -- but at least I hit another one of my picks.

10:27 -- Conan O'Brien. He rips on Joan Rivers, which is a little too obvious, but makes up for it by saying, "Yeah, I'll take my time, I didn't see Pacino rush."

10:28 -- I was right in John Ritter losing, I was wrong in who would beat him. Kelsey Grammer takes his 87th Emmy for Lead Actor in a Comedy. I'm 3-for-7.

10:30 -- Tom Selleck has to pause because of all the women in the audience hootin' and hollerin' for him. I think one of them is my mom. Simmer down, ma!

10:31 -- That was some poor planning. They scheduled the Roll Call of the Dead following the Lead Actor in a Comedy award, presuming John Ritter would win it. Well, he didn't. No soup for him! He's just plain dead. Where's your messiah now?? Hey, they didn't mention Ritter in this montage at all. They must be planning a separate tribute. Unless -- did he die before the Emmys last year?

10:39 -- James Spader surprises me -- and probably many others -- with a win for Lead Actor in a Drama. I'm 3-for-8.

10:41 -- William H. Macy and Treat Williams? Okay, whatever.

10:42 -- Meryl Streep wins for Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie for Angels in America because, duh.

10:43 -- "There are some days when I myself think I'm overrated... but not today." Streep's acceptance speech is classic. Naming her co-nominees: "Emma Thompson, who will hold a grudge for the rest of her life... but who cares!"

10:50 -- Guess what wins Best Miniseries? If you said anything other than Angels in America, you win a swift kick in the ass.

10:53 -- The first "Holy shit!" moment of the evening: Arrested Development takes Best Comedy! Unbelievable! This is the first time the most deserving show has won in this category since... I don't know when! I can't, I don't... Christ, I have to go sit down for a moment. Wow!! I bet Fox is glad they didn't cancel it now. Until they cancel it midway through the next season. Bitches. I'm now 3-for-9 in my picks. But that's fine, Emmy did good, Emmy did good.

10:59 -- Aaaaand... The Sopranos wins Best Drama. Giving me an embarrassing 4-for-10 for the night. But good for them!

11:00 -- They squeezed everything into three hours, mercifully. Until next year! Unless I throw my TV out the window, which is entirely possible.

TV: Minute-by-minute at the 2004 Emmys Pre-Show

6:54 -- The pre-show hasn't even started, and I've had five pints of beer already. (Come on, it was NFL Sunday! What do you expect?) I can already tell I'm going to be very mean this evening. I'm not guaranteeing a tasteless John Ritter joke... but I'm not not guaranteeing it, dig?

7:00 -- Countdown to the Emmys 2004 begins. And hostess Maria Menounos' fame license needs to be revoked. Why do I know who she is? I just feel sorry for Tom Bergeron, her co-host. Very funny, very sharp guy, but he's always relegated to starfucking roles like this. At least he's used to it from Hollywood Squares.

7:01 -- No one can accuse Dennis Franz of picking a trophy wife. Oh, snap! One minute in, and I'm already being a dick.

7:03 -- Patricia Heaton has had more renovations than the Statue of Liberty, and yet I still think she's just lovely. Backhanded compliments, thy name is Tom.

7:05 -- "What an incredible thrill to be nominated. That's actually not true. If we don't win, we'll be very bitter." Conan O'Brien gets the first funny line of the evening.

7:06 -- When Menounos goes off on some asinine comparison with The Apprentice, Conan shoots back with, "Now you've lost me. I don't watch TV. Read books, America. Books, they're more important than TV."

7:07 -- Miss Piggy is wearing the same dress as Menounos. "I hope you don't live too far away from here, Maria, cause I'm not changing!" Doesn't sound like Frank Oz is doing her voice, which is both sad -- you want to hear the original! -- and good -- you don't want his career to be at the red-carpet-interviewer stage.

7:08 -- John Spencer has to talk to the Muppets. It's ugly for everyone involved.

7:10 -- Extreme Makeover's Ty Pennington's hair makes him look like he got a swirly from the class bullies right before he went on camera. Seriously, is that intentional?

7:11 -- Menounos tells Pennington he cleans up nice. Pennington: "Well, thanks, man."

7:14 -- Laura Linney. I wish I could say one bad thing about her, but I can't. And if anyone of you do, I swear I will take a swing at you.

7:16 -- I hope Sam Seboura -- whoever he is -- is already outed, because he's ain't foolin' anyone any more than Jm J. Bullock fooled anyone.

7:17 -- Whoever he is, he immediately starts shilling for Buick, which means I instantly hate him.

7:20 -- Cheryl Hines gets thrown to the Muppets. It doesn't go better than John Spencer.

7:25 -- Bergeron speaks to the reanimated corpse of Barbara Walters.

7:26 -- Barbra Streisand?? What the hell? And, by the way, the way the media jumps on her like jackals on a carcass, I don't blame her for being publicity shy. Also: Tom Selleck. I've met Tom Selleck (and he's even taller than he looks), and I loved Magnum P.I. like nobody's business, but now I can only picture him as the right-wing voice in Hollywood. Which is disappointing to me. But I'll bet Tom doesn't let that bother him.

7:34 -- Bergeron talks to the Shat! William Shatner, winner of an Emmy at the other ceremony last week, says that when he won for his guest role on The Practice, he said, "What took you so long?" God damn, that takes some balls, from a guy whose acting style is mocked by every single comedian in North America. Shat rules!

7:35 -- Teri Hatcher has stopped hitting the tanning bottle so hard, which is a good thing. She looks lovely, and I can't wait for Desperate Housewives. Now I'm shilling for ABC. I hate me.

7:36 -- The Muppets talk to that beeyotch from The Apprentice. This is the first of their interviews that I feel sorry for the Muppets.

7:37 -- Bonnie Hunt looks hot. I love her. Figures she'd get nominated only after her show got cancelled. Stupid ABC.

7:42 -- Ellen DeGeneres. They couldn't get her back to host, rather than Shandling? My favorite Emmy moment ever was when she met Steve Martin, right after Anne Heche had left her for a man. And, if you don't recall, Anne Heche had left him for Ellen. There are probably very few people in the world who can bond over something quite like that.

7:44 -- The Muppets talk to... William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman. That hurts my soul. Felicity looks gorgeous, by the by.

7:49 -- The Queer Eye guys talk to the Muppets, and my head explodes.

7:50 -- 38% of the home audience thinks CSI will win for Drama Series. By a remarkable coincidence, 38% of the home audience are fucking idiots.

7:51 -- Menounos introduces Jimmy Kimmel and his "girlfriend, Sarah Silverman." The fact that Sarah Silverman can be introduced as an accessory to someone else makes me chew glass. She is so far out of his league it's not funny. And yet, here we are. Stupid universe.

7:56 -- Mischa Barton of The O.C. is surprisingly tall. Or Tom Bergeron is surprisingly short.

7:58 -- Bergeron winds it up with the Muppets, which makes me demote him even one notch further down the roster of celebrity. And now, on to the real disgrace!

TV: Emmy Predictions

Welp, it's the Emmys tonight. I'll be doing live (in all its West Coast tape-delayed glory) blogging all throughout the pre-show (which, seriously, no foolin', features Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy as red carpet interviewers -- how can you miss that??) and the awards ceremony, which, considering how awful it was the last time Garry Shandling hosted, should be sheer pain. Thank goodness for TiVo -- I can fast forward through all the dead bits to get straight to what matters: bitching about idiots.

And of course I couldn't go into a major awards ceremony without posting my own predictions. I'll pick from the top ten categories only, since, although I could probably make an educated guess about the directing and writing categories, you people would care even less than what I'm already going to focus on.

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Comedy Series
My Prediction: Sex and the City
Which does not make me happy. As I've often said, with Sex and the City, HBO finally made a show so bad that no amount of gratuitous nudity could get me to watch. But it just ended its run this year, so there's going to be even more of an unseemly orgy over this lame, lame show than there has been in previous years.

Should Win: Arrested Development, walking away. That's out of the nominated shows. Of any show on TV, I'd give the slight edge to Scrubs. But Scrubs was once again totally overlooked in the major categories this year, so fat chance of the best comedy on TV ever getting an Emmy.

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Lead Actor in a Comedy
My Prediction: I'm gonna go against the consensus and pick Tony Shalhoub for Monk. I think the odds-makers are picking John Ritter for the sympathy win, but after watching Dave Foley on Dinner for Five last week, I now have to disagree. He told a story about going to the Emmys after Phil Hartman died. Hartman had been nominated for Supporting Actor for NewsRadio, and he still lost to David Hyde Pierce. After the show, a reporter asked Dave how he felt about the result. "Well," he said, "I don't know what else Phil can do to win one of these things."

Should Win: Monk had an off-year, which doesn't really leave anyone in this category that I'd like to win. Zach Braff should've been nominated for Scrubs, and Jason Bateman should've been nominated for Arrested Development, and of those two, I'd give Bateman the win.

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Lead Actress in a Comedy
My Prediction: Sarah Jessica frickin' Parker. I'm so sick of her. I though I'd be done with her once this show was over, but now she's in those goddam Gap commercials with Lenny Kravitz, that air about eighteen times an hour. Begone, witch!

Should Win: Jessica Walters, Arrested Development. Again, not nominated. Of the nominees, I'd take Jane Kaczmarek for Malcolm in the Middle, a show I haven't watched much for the last couple years, but she's always so damn hysterical on it.

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Supporting Actress in a Comedy
My Prediction: Cynthia goddam Nixon for Sex in the City
Should Win: Megan Mullally, Will & Grace. Hey, I picked someone who's actually nominated! The show's gone way downhill, and she's already had her wins, but she's still the best thing about an often very funny show. My mom sure hates her, though.

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Supporting Actor in a Comedy
My Prediction: Brad Garrett, Everybody Loves Raymond.
Should Win: Of just the Raymond cast, Garrett isn't even most deserving. Give it to Peter Boyle, already. But the one who really should win is Jeffrey Tambor, again from Arrested Development. And he's nominated, so that should help his chances.

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Drama Series
My Prediction: The Sopranos.

Should Win: The Sopranos. I don't even get HBO anymore, but I still know it's the best show on TV. But it's never won this category. The West Wing sucked so bad this year, maybe the Emmy voters will finally come to their senses and stop giving the award to that show.

Let's look at the other nominees in this category for just a moment. CSI? It's okay, but come on. 24? The West Wing? Both way past their prime. Jesus, 24 was a joke this last year, and West Wing not much better. And Joan of Arcadia? Now, I love that show, but even I would hesitate at saying it's one of the five best on TV. Then again... what the hell else is there? Oh, yeah, there's only the best show on non-premium TV: where in the hell is The Shield? Seriously, no Shield? You have got to be shitting me. This is the category where I really have to think, do the Emmy voters really suck that much? Or does TV in general just suck that much? Or both?

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Lead Actor in a Drama
My Prediction: James Gandolfini.

Should Win: Gandolfini, but only because Michael Chiklis wasn't nominated for The Shield. And even then, it'd be close.

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Lead Actress in a Drama
My Prediction: Edie Falco.

Should Win: CCH Pounder, from The Shield. Guess what? Not nominated. Which is almost more of a crime than Chiklis being overlooked. Because at least he won the Emmy in the first season. Pounder has never even been nominated, and she's just amazing. But of the nominees: Falco.

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Supporting Actress in a Drama
My Prediction: Drea de Matteo, for The Sopranos. (And P.S., enjoy the Emmys this year, cause, like your new costar on Joey, Matt LeBlanc, you'll never be nominated again.)

Should Win: Probably her, but again: no HBO. I'd like to say Catherine Dent of The Shield, but by all accounts de Matteo just kicked ass this season. I'll tell you what, though: I am goddam sick of Stockard Channing being nominated in this category. You're not a Supporting Actress when you appear in three episodes a year; you're a Guest Star. But, hey, they're The West Wing, they can do whatever the hell they want.

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Supporting Actor in a Drama
My Prediction: Steve Buscemi, The Sopranos.

Should Win: It should be Walt Goggins ("Shane") and Jay Karnes ("Dutch") going head-to-head on this one, with Karnes squeaking out the win. Both of them had incredible, jaw-dropping story-arcs this season, and gave performances to match. But again, The Shield can kiss Emmy's fat ass, and to hell with all that amazing acting and brilliant writing and revolutionary TV. We want to nominate 87 people from The West Wing! Bitches. Of the nominees, I'd like Buscemi to take it, as a small, small consolation for being overlooked for an Oscar for Ghost World a couple years back.

TV: Emmy Nominations

A few of my takes on the 2004 Emmy nominations:

--Biggest oversight is Michael Chiklis for The Shield. I think it's the best show on television, and he's the best thing about it. I mean, how unfair is it that he gets dropped from last year's list, but Kiefer Sutherland remains? This is just an example of how, when something finally breaks into the awareness of the Emmy voters, it takes a miracle to dislodge it -- apparently, none of them realized 24 became a parody of itself this year (as if it weren't already one last year), just as none of them are willing to admit The West Wing's best days are way behind it now. But The Shield, despite Chiklis's surprising Emmy win in its first season, has never fully penetrated the Emmy voters' groupthink, probably because it's on a non-broadcast network that isn't HBO.

--Also, I'm grateful to see Arrested Development got the attention it deserved, but disappointed that Scrubs continues to be slighted (despite best editing and best writing noms this year). No John C. McGinley as supporting actor? That's just wrong.

--Sex and the City's popularity continues to baffle me, but at least this is the last year it can hog all those nominations. And good riddance to it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: HBO actually managed to create a show so bad that no amount of gratuitous nudity could make me watch it. And don't tell me it's because it's meant for women, and I just don't understand it. I understand a piece of crap when I see it. All those women read Bridges of Madison County, too -- doesn't mean it wasn't still a big steaming pile of horse crap.

--Matt LeBlanc: enjoy your acting nomination. It'll be your last.

--Joan of Arcadia's entry in the best drama category is a bit of a surprise, but maybe it shouldn't be. Emmy voters love that God fella! And Amber Tamblyn's nomination for best actress is amazing (but well-deserved), considering her -- and the show's -- youth.

--On the other hand -- Mariska Hargitay, for Law & Order: One of Those Damn Spin-Offs? Really? Are there that few deserving actresses working in TV these days?

--I wish I still had HBO. Sounds like I'm missing a lot of good stuff. I hope Deadwood comes out on DVD soon.

--Emmy voters, you've given an award to all four Will & Grace actors. You can stop nominating them now. Actually, you should've stopped before Debra Messing won. What was that all about??

--Even sadder than a nomination coming after a show's cancellation -- as with Bonnie Hunt (whom I love), or Futurama -- is a nomination coming after an actor's cancellation. Which is my morbid way of saying, I loved John Ritter and all, but giving him an Emmy nomination he didn't deserve isn't going to make anyone feel any better.

--I find a bitter kind of satisfaction in the fact that after all the hoopla over their respective finales, neither Friends nor Frasier were nominated as best comedy. If only I could say the same about that damn Sex and the City.

TV: Moon over Parma, bring my love to me tonight

I've been mostly disappointed with this summer's run of The Drew Carey Show, the finale to its nine seasons on the air. That a show I once loved, a show that once burst with originality and humor, should exit in such an ignominious fashion in the first place is dispiriting enough. But even worse is the fact that they're not even trying.

A note on why a whole season's worth of new episodes is being burned off like this over the summer: about three years ago, when The Drew Carey Show was riding high on the Nielsens, as was Drew's side project, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, ABC, which had recently suffered through the Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? implosion, desperately wanted to keep one of its few remaining non-game or -reality show stars onboard. So they threw a boatload of cash at The Drew Carey Show, in the form of two entire seasons bought in advance. Funny thing happened, though, when the first shows of that first prepaid season aired: they tanked. Hard. So hard, ABC yanked the show off the schedule midway through the season, and aired the remaining episodes during the dead of last summer, under the radar, with next to no commercial promotion, as stealthy as a ninja graverobber.

Fall 2003 comes around, and ABC finds itself in quite a bind. They've got another entire season of Drew Carey bought and paid for, but they don't want it anywhere near their fall premieres. I don't know why ABC even allowed the filming of this final season to occur; perhaps they figured they'd recoup some of their losses in summer commercial money, perhaps Drew Carey himself, or the show's production company, insisted on the shows being made to add to the lucrative syndication package. Either way, here we are, burning off an entire season over the summer hiatus, two episodes per week.

As I said, though, the real sting comes from the lackluster effort everyone involved in the show is exhibiting. The writing, which used to take chances, and go off in unique and experimental directions (the musical episodes, the April Fool's episodes, the live, semi-improv-ed episodes, the hilarious "special" episode, in which every single melodramatic sitcom cliche was exploited in a blatant bid for Emmy attention), is rote and uninspired, and the performances from the actors -- it would be generous to say they were phoned in. It's more like they're communicated via tin cans attached by waxed string. They all know they're lame ducks, killing time until they hit their quota of episodes, and they all act (or fail to act) accordingly.

Drew Carey was never a gifted actor, and as he stumbles and fumbles over his lines in these episodes, ruining punchline after punchline, you can almost see a weary, baggy-eyed, half-drunk director behind the cameras chanting, "Keep rolling, keep rolling." But it's the real comedic core to the show that disappoints the most: Ryan Stiles as Lewis and Deidrich Bader as Oswald. At one time, they were one of the best supporting comedic duos ever to hit the TV screen. Ever. Now, the ennui of the production has sunk into their performances as well, and their chemistry, their timing, their sheer joy have all taken a hit. They, like everyone else, are waiting for this zombie of a show to realize it's dead, and stop moving once and for all. The only life shown by a performer this season has come from guest stars Michael Gross (Family Ties) and Susan Sullivan (Dharma and Greg) as Kellie's wickedly self-absorbed, vicious, alcoholic parents. Now that was a funny episode.

The major storyline of this final season doesn't help things any: Drew has gotten girlfriend Kellie pregnant (the lovely but in-over-her-head Cynthia Watros, who can't come close to matching even the half-assed comedic mania of Stiles and Bader; that said, she's still a better actress than Christa Miller, whom she replaced last season -- and who, strangely enough, is showing more comedic talent in her occasional guest appearances on Scrubs than she did in seven seasons on Drew Carey). Plus, Mimi's son Gus is getting storylines of his own. So the majority of this summer season features child-based humor. The last refuge of the creatively bankrupt.

I offer a fond farewell to The Drew Carey Show, an important and influential member of the modern sitcom family. It's just a shame it didn't get the chance to go out in a blaze of glory (as Friends and Frasier did this year), instead having to suffer through an extended, painful, and largely unheralded death. RIP.