COMMERCIALS: At least they didn't drag the Pope into it

You know what I hate? That series of Charmin commercials in which a cartoon bear takes a crap.

Have you seen these? Apparently inspired by the phrase, "Does a bear shit in the woods?" the Charmin people have gone one step further: "Does a bear wipe its ass after taking a shit in the woods?" The answer, according to the series of ads dubbed (I'm not joking here) "Call of Nature": yes. Yes it does. (And it doesn't use a rabbit.)

Now, if you just had the cartoon bear cuddling and squeezing the Charmin, as human shills for toilet paper do, that would be fine. But Charmin apparently thinks that anything a cartoon does is cute. So, in the first of these commercials I ever had the displeasure to witness, we see a bouncy, pastel-colored, happy cartoon bear stepping up to a tree, ensuring the Charmin is near to hand (paw), hunkering down in a squat behind the tree oh my good lord is that bear doing what I think it's doing??

Next we get a close-up of the bear's face, which is creased with the concentration of one passing a truly heroic load out the back door. And then: bliss. The bear's face lights up in ecstasy. At long last, after all those years of having to drag its ass across the gravel, the bear finally has t.p. for its bunghole! And clearly the feeling is heavenly. Oh, what delight the bear is experiencing, smearing Charmin brand toilet tissue across its filthy, stinging, dung-encrusted sphincter!

This is one of those commercials that, intentionally or not, disgusts and alienates its target audience. Much like those Carl's Jr. ads, in which a cast of mannerless idiots revel in making a revolting mess out of their gooey, dripping, nauseating meals, with the tagline, "If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face." Those commercials, rather than making me hungry for Carl's Jr., filled me with great vengeance and furious anger. Not only did I never ever ever want to go to Carl's Jr. ever again, I actually wished I never had to eat anything for the rest of my life. These Charmin commercials have the same effect: not only will I never buy Charmin, but I think I now actually hate my body and its natural functions a little bit.

Thanks, Charmin! Thank you and your defecating cartoon bear!