TV: The 2006 Emmys Ceremony

The Pre-Show.

--Conan O'Brien begins the show with a pre-taped bit where he crashes on the Lost island. Hurley makes a cameo. It's pretty sweet. O'Brien asks Hurley if he wants to come with him to the Emmys. Hurley: "Well, we weren't exactly invited." SWEET.

--O'Brien climbs down a hatch into the set of The Office. Dwight: "Damn it, Jim!" Jim: "No, I did not have Conan O'Brien fall through the ceiling."

--Segue into a 24 bit. Jack demands O'Brien get off the phone. O'Brien: "I don't think so, Kiefer." "I'm Jack Bauer!"

--House: "Subject anemic -- possibly albino... Age: 92. Or 12... Subject emitting an odor of burnt cheese."

--South Park: "Dad! Conan O'Brien won't come out of the closet!" Tom Cruise makes a cameo, popping his head out of the closet. AWESOME.

--Finally, O'Brien walks into Dateline NBC: "To Catch a Predator." Great, great opening bit, all told. Good omen for the rest of the show.

--And on to the real deal! "Welcome to the 58th and final Emmy Awards!" Hey, Chris Rock made the same joke at the 2005 Oscars.

--"It's my second time hosting, and as you'll see tonight, the third time's the charm."

--On Ellen Burstyn's nominated role, which took up exactly 14 seconds of screentime: "I know from experience: just because something lasts for only 14 seconds doesn't mean it's not spectacular."

--O'Brien jokes the $51,000 gift baskets for the nominees includes "a gift certificate to The Olive Garden for $50,000."

--"Please don't thank your parents. If you were raised in a nurturing environment, you wouldn't be here tonight."

--A Music Man parody? Hmm, okay. It's pretty good, actually. "NBC's got trouble, with a capital T and that rhymes with G as in 'Gee, we're screwed'."

--Ellen Pompeo and Patrick Dempsey present Supporting Actress in a Comedy to Megan Mullally. Shucks. I took a chance with my pick, Pressly. Oh well. Mullally gets played off in what seems a very short time.

--Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Sean Hayes present Supporting Actor in a Drama to Alan Alda (who isn't there, saving us a speech). I was way off. He would've been my fourth or even fifth choice. Whoops! I'm off to a good start.

--A bit about the show running over its allotted time. Predictable. But -- a twist: Bob Newhart is locked in a glass cage "with exactly three hours of air." If the show runs one minute over, Newhart dies. Newhart's expression is priceless.

--Charlie Sheen and Martin Sheen walk out on stage before O'Brien can complete his joke about father-son pairs nominated this year. So much for rehearsal! Their "banter" makes me wish to hell O'Brien had been able to finish his joke instead.

--They give Supporting Actress in a Drama to Blythe Danner. (Another missed pick for me!) Two Emmys in a row for her for Huff, a show nobody watched and which is now cancelled. Also: she's a babbling mess. Shut up! SHUT UP!!

--Jaime Pressly and Jason Lee. Lee congratulates her on her nomination. Pressly: "Playing your greedy, whorish, foul-mouthed, slutty skank of a wife is reward enough."

--I knew this winner in advance, thanks to my accidental discovery on the internet: Jeremy Piven. Very, very cool. I wish to hell Will Arnett, who was the funniest part of one of the funniest shows ever, had gotten it. But Piven is also way awesome. He makes a very short, heartfelt speech, which also manages to include the word "fluffer."

--After a testosterone/Marion Jones joke doesn't go over well, O'Brien warns, "It gets rougher, folks."

--William Petersen and Dennis Haysbert present Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie. I think the clip they show of Ellen Burstyn may actually be her entire appearance in the movie.

--Kelly MacDonald wins for The Girl in the Cafe. Yay for her. She's lovely. And she got all kinds of naked in Trainspotting. That's right, I linked it!! You're welcome. (Or: I'm sorry.)

--O'Brien does a comedy bit, following up with, "What a fantastic waste of time!" Cut to Newhart, sweating away in his glass cage.

--Heidi Klum, John Lithgow, and Jeffrey Tambor present Variety, Music, or Comedy Program to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I thought The Colbert Report might actually pull the upset -- and so did Stewart, apparently.

--Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ron Livingston introduce other people, which is always the crappiest gig. They bring out the winners of Guest Actor and Actress in a Comedy, Leslie Jordan for Will & Grace, and Cloris Leachman for Malcolm in the Middle (which makes her an eight-time Emmy-winner -- a new record! Very nice).

--They present Directing for a Comedy to My Name Is Earl. How that show didn't get a nomination for Best Comedy is a mystery.

--And they present Writing for a Comedy to... My Name Is Earl. Seriously: HUGE mystery. Greg Garcia gives an awesomely funny speech. Among the people he pointedly doesn't thank is God: "You took my hair, and that's not cool."

--Simon Cowell comes out to present the tribute to Dick Clark. He actually gets booed, which isn't tremendously classy of the audience.

--The clips for Clark are surprisingly moving. As is Clark's subsequent appearance on stage. He is only partially recovered from his stroke, and his speech is labored, but his words are touching. Great moment.

--And then Barry Manilow performs "Bandstand." It's fun! But I think I need another beer now.

--Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan present Individual Performance in a Variety, Music or Comedy Program. It's Barry Manilow! Didn't we just see him? Damn, Colbert missed another one. Next year: two Emmys for Colbert, I guarantee. Next year.

--O'Brien introduces the Emmy accountants from Ernst & Young in the style of a basketball arena announcer. The last one: "And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!" Who actually appears. RIGHT ON.

--Evangeline Lilly and Wentworth Miller introduce other people. They get the crap gig, too! Guest Actress and Actor in a Drama are Patricia Clarkson, for Six Feet Under (who doesn't show, sadly -- love her!) and Christian Clemenson, for Boston Legal.

--Clemenson presents Directing for a Drama to 24. I have no joke here.

--Clemenson bails before presenting the Writing award. Weird. Lilly and Miller give the Emmy to The Sopranos. I tell you, it's a pretty entertaining, fast-moving show this year, but it still feels like I've been doing this for three days already.

--Mariska Hargitay and... Tom Selleck? Selleck rules, but what the heck is he doing here? They present Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie to Jeremy Irons for Elizabeth I. Hargitay interrupts him in the middle of his speech to force the Emmy into his hand.

--Megan Mullally and Howie Mandel painfully work their way through some lame jokes. Then, even worse, they do a Deal Or No Deal bit. NOO!!

--They present Directing for Variety, Music or Comedy Program to the guy who directed the Academy Awards, who is also directing this Emmys show. The fix is in!

--The nomination clips for Writing for Variety, Music or Comedy Program are always hilarious. Colbert does it best: all the writers are bears, and Colbert is the hunter with a shotgun. The Daily Show wins another one. Next year, Colbert!

--Hugh Laurie and Helen Mirren do a very funny bit, in which he translates her narration into French. They present Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie to Andre Braugher.

--Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford. Whitford goes on a long ramble about how much he loves this night, and celebrating the accomplishments of his peers. Perry: "I despise the success of others."

--They present Lead Actor in a Comedy to fucking Tony Shalhoub. HORSESHIT. Shalhoub: "There's been a terrible mistake." No SHIT. Carell got screwed. When they show Carell in the audience, he looks like he's in pain. I was right to underestimate the Emmy voters; I should've stuck with my original hunch on this pick. Have I hit one correct pick yet? I think I haven't. The two surest things, I thought, were going to be Sandra Oh and Steve Carell. The Emmys suck.

--Candice Bergen presents the Chairman and CEO of the Television Academy of Arts & Sciences, who then woodenly introduces Joan Collins, Stephen Collins, and Heather Locklear to pay tribute to Aaron Spelling. It's not nearly as touching as the Dick Clark tribute.

--Joan Collins points to the sky and says, "I owe you one, babe," which is when I start screaming, "SHUT UP!!"

--The original Charlie's Angels show up at the end of Spelling's tribute clip. Woohoo! Ah, Kate Jackson. I always liked her best. Jaclyn Smith still looks damn hot, too. Farrah Fawcett looks a little crazy before she even opens her mouth. Wait, are any of them going to talk other than Jackson? Oh, here goes Fawcett. She's shockingly sane and sweet, and with her tears, she actually makes it all genuinely emotional. Smith goes last, but Jackson and Fawcett said it better already.

--Eva Longoria (are we all sick of her? Can we all agree on that?) and James Woods present Best Movie to The Girl in the Cafe. They showed that movie about 8,000 times on HBO over the last year, and I never bothered to watch it. Maybe I should have?

--O'Brien, introducing the next presenters, says "fake news," and the crowd goes wild before he can even get to the names of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. Colbert opens with, "Good evening, godless sodomites." He points at the giant Emmy statue on stage: "Kneel before your god, Babylon!" And finally, weeping, "I lost to Barry Manilow!!" We all feel your pain, buddy. "Can I hold one of yours?" he asks Stewart. They present Best Reality Show to The Amazing Race.

--I'm over two hours into this, and I'm beginning to realize that pretty much no one cares. I should just go to bed.

--But I won't!

--Omar Epps and Katherine Heigl present Directing for a Miniseries or Movie, or something like that, to Elizabeth I. The director's acceptance speech is incredibly stiff and awkward. Next comes Writing for Etc., which goes to The Girl in the Cafe. He's not here! No speech! Hootie!

--Edie Falco and James Gandolfini present Best Miniseries to Elizabeth I. I can't imagine caring less about anything, ever. I'm getting really burned out now. I need another beer.

--Hey, it's the Who Croaked This Year? portion of the evening. Clap for the most popular! Dennis Weaver, Don Adams, Red Buttons, Mike Douglas, Pat Morita, Al Lewis, Maureen Stapleton, Buck Owens, Jack Warden, and John Spencer all have good showings, but Don Knotts and Richard Pryor, I'd say, tie for Favorite Dead Entertainers. Congratulations!

--Kiefer Sutherland and Felicity Huffman present Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie to Helen Mirren for Elizabeth I. Hardly a shocker at this point.

--Calista Flockhart and Craig Ferguson? That's an odd pairing. Also: ah! Now I know why Harrison Ford was in the audience. They present Lead Actress in a Drama to fuckin' Mariska Hargitay. STUPID. Jesus Christ, she shouldn't even be nominated. If you can't find five better actresses on TV than her, you need to pull your head out of your ass and LOOK HARDER.

--Tyra Banks and Victor Garber present Lead Actress in a Comedy to... Julia Louis-Dreyfus! Holy crap, did I get one right? I got one right!! About time. Specifically: 2 hours, 41 minutes into the show before hitting my first correct prediction. WOW, I suck.

--Virginia Madsen and Ray Liotta present Lead Actor in a Drama to Kiefer goddam Sutherland. So much for two in a row. (EDIT: Uh, DOY. I picked Kiefer to win. I blame the beer and my general stupidity.) This is his 1st Emmy win, and 9th nomination, the announcer says. Ninth? Did I hear that wrong? For what?? IMDb says he's been nominated five times for 24, and zero times for anything else. I must've heard it wrong. (Another EDIT: Noel Murray points out in the comments that, as a producer of 24, when the show has been up for Best Drama, Kiefer added those nominations to his total, too.)

--Conan O'Brien and Bob Newhart, now released from his glass cage, present together. O'Brien tells Newhart that a majority of callers wanted him to live: "Fifty-two percent!"

--They present Best Comedy to The Office. Hell yeah! That's extremely satisfying (although in this very strong category, only Two and a Half Men would've been a disappointment). And hey, I got a second third pick correct.

--Annette Bening presents Best Drama to 24. I took a shot on my pick with the "buzzworthy" Grey's Anatomy, but if I had taken a moment to actually think about it, I would've realized no drama garnered more buzz last year than 24. Bad move on my part.

--And that's it! They actually brought it in under three hours! Despite the many poor nominees and wins, it was a pretty good show overall. Time to sleep, people, time to sleep.