TV: Minute-by-minute at the 2004 Emmys Pre-Show

6:54 -- The pre-show hasn't even started, and I've had five pints of beer already. (Come on, it was NFL Sunday! What do you expect?) I can already tell I'm going to be very mean this evening. I'm not guaranteeing a tasteless John Ritter joke... but I'm not not guaranteeing it, dig?

7:00 -- Countdown to the Emmys 2004 begins. And hostess Maria Menounos' fame license needs to be revoked. Why do I know who she is? I just feel sorry for Tom Bergeron, her co-host. Very funny, very sharp guy, but he's always relegated to starfucking roles like this. At least he's used to it from Hollywood Squares.

7:01 -- No one can accuse Dennis Franz of picking a trophy wife. Oh, snap! One minute in, and I'm already being a dick.

7:03 -- Patricia Heaton has had more renovations than the Statue of Liberty, and yet I still think she's just lovely. Backhanded compliments, thy name is Tom.

7:05 -- "What an incredible thrill to be nominated. That's actually not true. If we don't win, we'll be very bitter." Conan O'Brien gets the first funny line of the evening.

7:06 -- When Menounos goes off on some asinine comparison with The Apprentice, Conan shoots back with, "Now you've lost me. I don't watch TV. Read books, America. Books, they're more important than TV."

7:07 -- Miss Piggy is wearing the same dress as Menounos. "I hope you don't live too far away from here, Maria, cause I'm not changing!" Doesn't sound like Frank Oz is doing her voice, which is both sad -- you want to hear the original! -- and good -- you don't want his career to be at the red-carpet-interviewer stage.

7:08 -- John Spencer has to talk to the Muppets. It's ugly for everyone involved.

7:10 -- Extreme Makeover's Ty Pennington's hair makes him look like he got a swirly from the class bullies right before he went on camera. Seriously, is that intentional?

7:11 -- Menounos tells Pennington he cleans up nice. Pennington: "Well, thanks, man."

7:14 -- Laura Linney. I wish I could say one bad thing about her, but I can't. And if anyone of you do, I swear I will take a swing at you.

7:16 -- I hope Sam Seboura -- whoever he is -- is already outed, because he's ain't foolin' anyone any more than Jm J. Bullock fooled anyone.

7:17 -- Whoever he is, he immediately starts shilling for Buick, which means I instantly hate him.

7:20 -- Cheryl Hines gets thrown to the Muppets. It doesn't go better than John Spencer.

7:25 -- Bergeron speaks to the reanimated corpse of Barbara Walters.

7:26 -- Barbra Streisand?? What the hell? And, by the way, the way the media jumps on her like jackals on a carcass, I don't blame her for being publicity shy. Also: Tom Selleck. I've met Tom Selleck (and he's even taller than he looks), and I loved Magnum P.I. like nobody's business, but now I can only picture him as the right-wing voice in Hollywood. Which is disappointing to me. But I'll bet Tom doesn't let that bother him.

7:34 -- Bergeron talks to the Shat! William Shatner, winner of an Emmy at the other ceremony last week, says that when he won for his guest role on The Practice, he said, "What took you so long?" God damn, that takes some balls, from a guy whose acting style is mocked by every single comedian in North America. Shat rules!

7:35 -- Teri Hatcher has stopped hitting the tanning bottle so hard, which is a good thing. She looks lovely, and I can't wait for Desperate Housewives. Now I'm shilling for ABC. I hate me.

7:36 -- The Muppets talk to that beeyotch from The Apprentice. This is the first of their interviews that I feel sorry for the Muppets.

7:37 -- Bonnie Hunt looks hot. I love her. Figures she'd get nominated only after her show got cancelled. Stupid ABC.

7:42 -- Ellen DeGeneres. They couldn't get her back to host, rather than Shandling? My favorite Emmy moment ever was when she met Steve Martin, right after Anne Heche had left her for a man. And, if you don't recall, Anne Heche had left him for Ellen. There are probably very few people in the world who can bond over something quite like that.

7:44 -- The Muppets talk to... William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman. That hurts my soul. Felicity looks gorgeous, by the by.

7:49 -- The Queer Eye guys talk to the Muppets, and my head explodes.

7:50 -- 38% of the home audience thinks CSI will win for Drama Series. By a remarkable coincidence, 38% of the home audience are fucking idiots.

7:51 -- Menounos introduces Jimmy Kimmel and his "girlfriend, Sarah Silverman." The fact that Sarah Silverman can be introduced as an accessory to someone else makes me chew glass. She is so far out of his league it's not funny. And yet, here we are. Stupid universe.

7:56 -- Mischa Barton of The O.C. is surprisingly tall. Or Tom Bergeron is surprisingly short.

7:58 -- Bergeron winds it up with the Muppets, which makes me demote him even one notch further down the roster of celebrity. And now, on to the real disgrace!