Batman: The Brave and the Bold

Note to Dorian:

I can never tell if I'm way behind the curve on this type of thing these days or not, but I understand R. Lee Ermey is going to be the voice of Wildcat on the new Batman: The Brave and the Bold cartoon.

Maybe you already knew about this, though I don't think I've noticed it on your blog. If you didn't know about it, well, for some strange reason I suspected you might be interested in a butch older gentleman who has no problem playing gay voicing Ted Grant's alter ego. Just a crazy hunch.

Note on the rest of the show:

Looks like this could be a lot of fun. Diedrich Bader as Batman is an interesting choice, but I like Bader and he's done a ton of cartoon voices before, so I expect it will work out well. I don't care for the CW's current (I assume -- it's still going, right?) The Batman animated series, which somehow manages simultaneously to be darker and yet tamer than the classic Bruce Timm animated version. This Brave and Bold take appears to be consciously choosing to go with a retro look and a lighter tone with more humor than anything we've seen from a Batman cartoon for a long time -- though the creators (in the interview linked above) still emphasize their freedom to mix the humor with the edge we've come to expect from the Dark Knight.

Plus, check out some of the guest characters: the Huntress, Wil Wheaton as the Blue Beetle, John Di Maggio as Aquaman, Tom Kenny as Plastic Man, and the resident Green Lantern of this series: Guy Gardner. Very nice! Looks like this is set to debut November 14 on the Cartoon Network. Be sure to check it out!

TV: Justice League Unlimited

One quick question about this week's Justice League Unlimited: when Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and Batman follow villain David Clinton, aka The Time Thief, aka Chronos, back in time to the Old West, the heroes replace their costumes with period clothes to fit in. So then, when Chronos later sees the unmasked Batman, why doesn't he immediately say, "Oh my God, Batman is billionaire industrialist Bruce Wayne!" I mean, Bruce Wayne is the Donald Trump of the DC Universe. There's no way Chronos wouldn't recognize him.

Just sayin'.

COMICS: More Wed. 11/3/04

Avengers: Okay, for a reader as unfamiliar with the Avengers' history as I am, this issue was whole lot of "Who the what the??" The Scarlet Witch gave herself babies by magic, then that old woman made them disappear and made the Witch forget about them? All righty then. It worked for me that Wanda was the baddie, because sure, she used to be bad before, but what didn't work for me was Dr. Strange's assertion that due to her gaining her magic by being a mutant, rather than training, she was always on the brink of insanity. Nice effort at justifying her actions, but I just don't buy it. Oh, and good thing there were 8,000 superheroes to do all that nothing for most of the book.

JLA: Classified: We3 is the kind of story that makes me think Grant Morrison is a super genius. JLA: Classified is the kind of story that makes me think Grant Morrison is a pretentious blithering jackass.

Jubilee: I really get a kick out of this book. I liked the handling of the gang leader here, forcing his young crew member out of the gang because he had the potential to make something of himself. The change of heart probably came a little quickly, but on the other hand, at least it wasn't dragged out over six issues.

The Punisher: Now that's what I want to see! After that endless boring previous storyline, the new story starts off brilliantly, with a face-to-face between Nick Fury and Frank. I loved every word of that entire scene. Garth Ennis writes Nick Fury the way he ought to be, the way you'd expect a hardened, weary career soldier to speak and act. I realize Ennis has more latitude with the character in a Mature Readers book, but even without the plethora of profanity, he'd have Fury down pat. The ending was a little odd to me: the American military are sponsoring terrorists specifically to get Fury/Castle to do a job for them? Am I reading that right? More clarity next issue, I hope.

Superman/Batman: Eh. A little too deus ex machina with the teleporter, a little -- no, a lot too corny with Supergirl's introduction to everyone at the end. "THANKS, EVERYONE!" And I don't care how super Superman is -- there is still no oxygen in space. He can not have a conversation in outer space; sound does not travel in a vacuum. Not even the mighty words of Superman. And why the hell did they have to pretend Supergirl was dead if they were just going to imprison Darkseid on the far edge of the universe anyway? Why not just imprison him without all the rigmarole? Were they worried he'd escape and come back to get Supergirl if he knew she were still alive? Well, it's not much of a secret that she's alive anymore, is it? Or am I overthinking all this? Whatever. I think I'm done with this series.

Y: The Last Man: Kind of lame the way 355 allowed herself to get outmaneuvered in the exchange for Yorick's ring. But man, I love this series. And I love the San Francisco setting; I lived in the Bay Area for about ten years. They're getting all the details right about the City. For example, Candlestick is indeed on the corner of Fuck You and Go To Hell.

COMICS: Wed. 11/3/04

My list this week:

Astonishing X-Men
Avengers
JLA: Classified
Jubilee
The Punisher
Superman/Batman
Y: The Last Man

I've only read Astonishing so far. Just when this series was starting to grow on me, we end the storyline with this supremely boring anti-climax of an issue. The art is fantastic, and Whedon has some clever, funny lines, but the story as a whole has more padding than the last five Daredevil arcs combined. I stuck it out through the first story, and I'm done with it now. This officially gets dropped.

Also (and I don't know if this was supposed to be secret or not, so if it was, sorry guys), at the comic shop yesterday, Dorian and Mike showed me the ashcan edition of the upcoming Grimjack mini-series, Killer Instinct. (Thanks!) And it looks gorgeous.


(The picture's from Newsarama, not the ashcan.) I didn't want to read the whole thing and spoil it for myself, but it's got Cadre, and the Dancer, and it's set immediately following the Trade Wars, which was perhaps my favorite storyline in my favorite comic ever. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, do yourself a favor and check out the TPB of the old series and the first issue of the new series when they come out in January. Because this is going to kick about seven different kinds of ass.

COMICS: Wed. 10/27/04

Amazing Spider-Man: Why did I even get this issue? Morbid curiosity, I guess. I wonder if the bit with the Spider-Man stalker/comic book guy on the news was in anticipation of the backlash Straczynski knew he'd be getting from the comics community after his last issue. There are things about this story I think I really could've enjoyed -- Norman Osborn raising his children to hate and kill Peter Parker, a battle on the site of Gwen Stacy's death -- if Straczynski hadn't found it necessary to retroactively befoul the character of Gwen Stacy. Even if it were some bullshit like the kids were cloned from Gwen's blood or something like that, it would be more palatable than the way it stands now.

Daredevil: I read this last night while I was kind of drunk, and I don't remember a goddam thing about it. Other than parts of it were in black & white. And I have no desire to read it again. I gotta force myself not to buy this out of reflex anymore.

We3: This is so fucking brilliant it hurts. To turn these ludicrous animal soldiers first into horrifyingly convincing death dealers, then into objects of unironic, heartbreaking pity -- it's absolutely wonderful writing. And the art -- wow. Quitely is a master. The most beautifully rendered carnage since Bissette and Totleben's Miracleman work. I'm gonna go ahead and say Morrison and Quitely together make for one of the most powerful teams in comics history. The fact that they can actually convey to the reader the way the animals' senses work on a different, higher level than the humans (through the multiple mini-panels, the timelapse photography-style fast motion, and especially the sequence of skewed panels on pages 12 & 13) is awesome. And the emotions that they elicited merely by having 1 lower his head and say, "BAD DOG" -- it's a powerhouse of a comic.

Green Lantern: Rebirth: I picked this one up because apparently I'm a sucker for hype. I've always liked the idea of Green Lantern, but I've never been thrilled enough with any of the comic's writers to make it a regular habit. I'm aware of most of GL's recent history, but still, there is a lot in this issue that makes me feel like I wasn't being allowed to join in the reindeer games. Like the dude in jail with the giant head, Hector Hammond -- what the hell? I kind of liked the story and the writing -- although, in contrast with Mike, I did not enjoy the confrontation between John Stewart and Batman; Batman is portrayed as alternately a raving lunatic, and a cowering weakling, clutching impotently at his cape, and Stewart's self-righteous anger plays as totally false, especially considering the fact that he's defending a man who murdered, like, a bajillion people. (Mike's right about the purty art, though.) But I don't like the idea that a comics fiend like myself still feels left in the dark by any number of references. Why oh why did I buy 20 copies of this issue??

The Authority: Revolution: Has some of the same problems as Green Lantern -- I don't know the Authority universe very well, don't know if the villains are old or new, don't know if this takeover of America commenced with this issue, or if this is continuing something previously established... and so on. But I like Ed Brubaker, and I think I'm going to like this story. The only other Authority comics I've read were the first TPB collection, which I thought was attempting to emulate Miracleman -- superheroes take over the world -- with none of the subtlety or thoughtfulness, just a bunch of idiots punching people's brains out. This first issue of Brubaker's puts some of that thought that was lacking into the story. I'm definitely going to want to read the whole 12 issues -- I just haven't decided if I'm going to continue with it monthly, or wait for the trade.

COMICS: Wed. 10/20/04

Only bought three new comics this week, but they were all good.

Fantastic Four: Entertaining issue, and interesting solution to the problem at hand -- if a little too pat to be believable. Reed can switch powers from one person to another, but can't remove the powers? That's kinda dopey. But it resulted in fun comic goodness, so I forgive it. And hey: Galactus. What more can you ask of a Fantastic Four book?

Plastic Man: Funniest issue yet. I laughed out loud several times, especially at the self-referential stuff. Like when President Lex Luthor says he's waiting for the paperback of Identity Crisis to come out. Or when Woozy Winks, on seeing the vice-president, says, "Hey, it's that guy from Smallville!" (Woozy must be watching the repeats on ABC Family.) And excellent use of real Dubya quotes for the final punchline. I think this book is actually getting better each issue.

Madrox: I'm not wild about the art. But the story is interesting, as is the idea that each Madrox duplicate has a different personality, and might not be so willing to go along with the original's plans anymore. But, as regards the opening scene -- I think if I were Madrox, I'd create a duplicate before getting punched in the face.

Also, the 2nd TPB of Batman: Hush came out, and, true to my word, I refused to buy it. As should you all. Screw those greedy bastards and their double-charging ways! Collect your storylines in one book, DC, or you can stuff 'em! (I'm looking at you, too, Marvel.)

COMICS: Colonia

The only comics I got on Wednesday were Jubilee, which I talked about yesterday; Superman/Batman/Batman/Superman (whoever gets top billing), which wasn't really worth the wait, and which made me wonder if Darkseid had Supergirl stretched on the rack before Superman showed up (or at least just her abdomen); and Y: The Last Man, which ended with a hell of a cliffhanger. Was the ring what was protecting Yorick all this time? (My guess: no. But it's a nifty coincidence.)

And I also got the TPB of Colonia (freshly restocked thanks to Mike). It's a collection of the first five issues of the ongoing series (which is apparently ongoing at a very slow rate, but what are you gonna do?), and it was a bundle of weird, cool, creative fun. I mean, look at the cover:


Yikes! I'm still not sure if that's a single creature with five heads, or a group of creatures with a single mind/animating force/what-have-you, but isn't it excellently creepy as hell?

I knew of creator Jeff Nicholson from his comedy series Father & Son (he also did Ultra Klutz, which I never got into). There's a lot of humor here, but it's primarily an adventure tale, set in an alternate world in which pirates still roam the seas in 1999, America is still the "New World", and it's not even called America -- it's Colonia, named after Cristobal Colon (or Christopher Columbus as most of us know him). Three people from our version of Massachusetts (a boy named Jack and his two uncles) slip-slide into this alternate world, and encounter a mess of pirates, as well as mermaids, headless ghosts, that walking fish thing in human clothes, and a talking duck named Lucy, who lays golden eggs.


The alternate history is intriguing and well thought out, and Jack's handling of this bizarre experience is smart and plausible, while his uncles bluster their way around with comedic results. And that talking duck seems to think there's something special about Jack, that he doesn't even realize himself. There's a load of story ideas here that could take this series in any imaginable direction.

The downside is, Nicholson isn't moving too quickly on this project; since 1999, only 11 issues have come out (the 11th just came out). It doesn't look like there are plans for another collection any time soon, so I think I'll be picking up some back issues next week. Too bad it'll probably be such a long wait till #12.

COMICS: Half a rant

I wrote a big old rant earlier today, inspired by an unnamed comic shop employee telling me today that the new hardback collection of Neil Gaiman's 1602 only contains the first four issues of the eight issue series. I was outraged! But when I went to the Marvel site to link to the book... it turns out, not so much. It actually contains all eight issues. Oops! But I'd already written this rant. And most of what I said in it is still relevant, and still pisses me off. So I present it to you now, dear reader, with all the stuff about 1602 carefully excised and/or reworded.

We join Tom's rant, already in progress:

---

...I'm sick to death of the collections of mini-series or story arcs being split into two volumes, like Batman: Hush (hardback and paperback), or the upcoming New Frontier (it was six issues, but they were double-sized, so same diff). We all know they have the ability to collect 12 issues in one TPB. Crisis on Infinite Earths or Secret Wars or Watchmen are only the first I can name off the top of my head. And that's just for a decent quality reproduction; how many issues are in an Essential collection? Thirty? Same goes for hardback: I've got the Ultimate Marvel Team-Up collection, which is 16 issues plus the double-size Special, and I know there are other hardbacks collecting equal numbers of issues. So there's no possible way to defend splitting twelve issues into two collections.

Other than the very simple explanation: Marvel wants to screw you over. DC wants to screw you over. They've discovered that people are willing to pay collection prices not once, but twice, and they're gonna keep doing it as long as suckers keep paying. Instead of just expanding the page count, collecting a whole mini-series at once, and adding four or five bucks to the standard 6-issue collection price, they're gonna keep the page count down, issue multiple volumes, and effectively double the price every time. Because they can. Because we keep paying for it.

I say: to hell with them. You know, I actually bought the first Batman: Hush TPB. And all this time after the series was first published, I still don't know how it ends, because I've been avoiding everything written about it, in order to have an unspoiled experience reading the entire series all at once, after it was collected. Well, that wasn't good enough for DC. They wanted to screw me over by making me pay for the story twice (and then they didn't even give me the opportunity to pay twice -- it's been over two months since the first volume came out, and the second volume has yet to be released).

Screw me, DC? Screw YOU. I'm not buying the second volume. And I invite all of you reading this: spoil away! Leave a comment and tell me every stupid detail about this stupid story. Who is Hush? What's the deal with Jason Todd? (Despite my best efforts, I still saw some spoilers.) Ruin everything for me, so I'm not tempted even in the least to get the second volume, whenever those greedy bastards release it! I WANT SPOILERS AND I WANT 'EM NOW!!

Same goes for any other collections you plan on splitting in two. The Loeb/Lee Superman arc? Forget it. Waid's Superman: Birthright? I've been really looking forward to getting that collection. But if it's two volumes: FORGET IT.

Go to hell, DC. And you too, Marvel. I'm not going to take this shit anymore. You don't want to give me your comic collections in a fair and reasonable fashion, at a fair and reasonable price? You can keep 'em, wad 'em up in a tiny little ball, and cram 'em.

---

EDIT: Ian notes in my comments that Azzarello is writing the Jim Lee Superman story, not Loeb. Shows just how interested I am in that storyline. Thanks, Ian! And Mike would like me to point out that he wasn't wrong about 1602 for very long at all, and actually did a great deal of research when I called the store to ask him if he was sure the book had 4 issues or not. (He couldn't just open the book and look, because it's wrapped in plastic.) Thanks, Mike!

TV: The Fastest Men Alive

There's a new fastest man alive: on Sunday, Ben Gatlin won the gold in the 100-meter dash, in an incredible 9.85 seconds. Even more incredible, the silver went to a time of 9.86 seconds, the bronze to 9.87 seconds. Fourth was 9.89, fifth was 9.94, sixth was 10 even. That's inconceivable to me. How can you even register 1/100th of a second difference? Is one guy's nose longer than the other's? You can't help but think of that Seinfeld joke about the minute differences between Olympic heroes and nobodies. "First place, [moves head back two inches] dead last. [Moves head forward two inches] Greatest guy in the world, [moves head back two inches] never heard of him."

(I promise I won't write any more about the Olympics today, except to note that I've been enjoying the women's diving competitions for all the wrong reasons.)

Meanwhile, the fastest man alive is missing in action on Justice League Unlimited. Where the hell is the Flash?? We're four episodes in, and he hasn't even had one line yet. I can't even recall if he made an appearance in the first episode. Not to say I haven't been enjoying the show. Last week's episode with the Justice League Babies was hilarious, especially young Wonder Woman's crush on young Batman, but it was a light, inconsequential episode that probably should have come later in the season, after the new rotating cast premise had been better established (apparently, this was originally supposed to air as the fifth show of the season, rather than the third). And this week's Hawk and Dove episode was decent, if not overwhelming. The voice-casting of Hawk and Dove was inspired (Wonder Years brothers Jason Hervey and Fred Savage, with Hervey here switching roles as the younger, kinder brother, Savage playing the older, tougher one -- come on, you couldn't have had a guy named "Savage" play the Dove, could you?); in addition, Michael York was a great villain's voice, and Ed Asner as Hephaestus had some cute, borderline naughty wordplay with Wonder Woman (involving the tightness of her costume).

But dammit, where's the Flash? Is Michael Rosenbaum too busy on Smallville to make the trip to the voice sessions? Hell, he's practically out of the opening credits as it is; the new opening animation suggests Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman are the Justice League, and Flash, Green Lantern, and Martian Manhunter are now merely part of the giant supporting cast -- featured supporting players, yes, but not the headliners.

Maybe it's just as well; the writers have never really known how to portray Flash's powers accurately. When they've used him to the best effect (as in the brilliant "A Better World" two-parter), he's nearly a match for Superman; more often, though, he's a clown. Comic relief, that's one thing, but he's just a clown, in and out of battle. He's been taken down by the lamest villains, and his speed, which should be supersonic at the very least, near light speed at best, is often reduced to barely that of a speeding car.

Over on Teen Titans, the same can be said of Beast Boy. His powers are phenomenal, but he rarely uses them to their true potential; hell, most of the time, he forgets he can turn into something that can fly. This week, while in wolf-form, he got his foot trapped under a rock. Rather than turning into any of a hundred animals that could've escaped (from an elephant to an earthworm), he turned back into his human form (still trapped) and tried to reason with his attacker, Terra. More emotionally affecting, perhaps, making heartfelt pleas to his erstwhile friend, but stupid from any practical point of view.

When the writers have used him well, Beast Boy has been more than a match even for the Titans' arch-nemesis, Slade (though, having defeated Slade a couple episodes ago, BB reverted to his usual clown-like self and allowed him to walk away with Terra in tow). I don't mind comic relief in my superhero teams; I just wish more often they'd live up to their superheroic capabilities, rather than taking all the pratfalls.

COMICS: The New Frontier

I've been saying for a while now that, despite the seemingly unanimous praise from everyone else, Darwyn Cooke's The New Frontier has failed to blow me away.

Then I read issue #5.

From Hal Jordan's experimenting with the Green Lantern ring and almost dropping a mountain on himself, to Superman's and Batman's meeting, with Superman questioning Batman's new child-friendly appearance, to Jimmy Olsen's "Well jeez, Rocky. He's Superman", to Aquaman's "At my back, the largest army in the world", to the bloodied interior of Wonder Woman's invisible plane, to Lois Lane's "You get this shot or I'll throw you off this goddamned chopper!", to the blurry first view of the Centre, to Flash taking up his costume again, to Hal's "Let me tell you something Miss Rich Bitch", to his and Carol's kiss in front of the jet engine, to the destruction of Paradise Island, to Superman's "I see I have your attention" and his rousing speech --

Yeah. This was the one that blew me away.

COMICS: PvP vs. the World Crime League

I love comics. But I love comic strips even more. I'd gladly trade away Spider-Man for my daily fix of Doonesbury. If it came down to Batman or Dilbert, Batman would be out the door so fast his freakin' cowl would spin. If I had to choose between Peanuts and... well, no need to even finish that sentence. I would give up every comic ever for Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

What's got me thinking about this is one man's plan to renovate the comics page: Scott Kurtz's post about comic strip syndication. Kurtz, as you may or may not know, is the creator of the fine and funny online comic strip PvP. And in a few short paragraphs, he's put forth an argument for a comics page business model that's so radical, so revolutionary, so crazy, that it just might destroy the comic strip syndicates, and completely change the world of comic strips.

I'm not going to go into his plan here; if you're interested, he explains his ideas much better than I could. He's got some sound logic and some grand ideas. But he also has some holes in his proposal; primarily, he totally fails to consider that, even if the newspapers want the syndicates to fall, many of the comic strip creators will not. Even with the promise of ownership of their own creations, as well as 100% of the profits from the books and assorted other merchandising the strips may spawn, many creators will still prefer the safety and security of the syndicates to a free market. For one thing, not every strip has a lot of merchandising, nor even the possibility of it; for every Garfield, there are dozens of Mr. Boffos or Drabbles or One Big Happys, for which there's barely a market for the books, let alone the kind of greeting card/birthday hat/plush toy merchandising that would generate enough money to make abandoning the syndicates worthwhile.

I said he fails to consider that fact, but perhaps he has considered it, and discarded it. For one thing, he is presupposing that the comics page is ready to self-destruct on its own, that newspapers are already close to rejecting the syndicates and shutting down their comics pages altogether. And it sounds like his plan is for a younger, newer crowd of strips to take over the comics page, to hell with what came before. And while it may be fine for Get Fuzzy to suddenly be in competition with hundreds of free (or much cheaper) new comic strips, and while it may also be fine for relics like Dennis the Menace, The Family Circus, Marmaduke, and so forth to be permanently retired, what about those established but deserving strips that suddenly find themselves unable to compete in such a market? For Better or For Worse might be a good example here. I think it's still a decent strip, though clearly of another generation. Would it suddenly be lost in the shuffle?

All this is idle speculation, obviously; it may even sound like I'm against Kurtz, but I'm not. The truth is, it's more than likely that Kurtz won't change anything with his plan, and even if he does, it will be in slow and minute increments. But I admire him for proposing such an ambitious plan. And I'm hoping that if he (and hopefully other online cartoonists) and the newspapers successfully take a stand against the stranglehold the syndicates have on the comics page, that one of my fondest dreams may at long last be realized:

Cathy will finally die.

COMICS: Batman: Hush

So, I finally picked up Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee's Batman: Hush -- or, at least, the first five chapters in trade paperback form. And, after that whole yearlong frenzy over the way they had revitalized Batman, and what a ripping good story, and blah de blah, I gotta say: this is what all the fuss was about?

Really?

This?

I know, I can't judge fairly, having only read five of the twelve issues that make up the story -- but here I go anyway.

First of all, let me complain about the story being published in separate volumes in the first place. What a blatant money-grubbing scam. DC couldn't fit a measly 12 issues in one TPB? If they don't release the remaining seven issues in one book, if they actually plan on splitting this into three volumes, I think I'll decide, to hell with DC, and to hell with this story.

I'm almost at "to hell with this story" as is. And people complain about Bendis padding his stories! I mean, lots of characters do lots of things, but the actual amount of story that was advanced in this collection could've been easily condensed to one, maybe two issues. But Jeph Loeb loves showboating, he loves building issues around a particular character on the cover, so that his anemic plots can be stretched out over a year. Been doing it since The Long Halloween. His ongoing series, Superman/Batman, is less gimmicky in that fashion, but even there, he loves his guest stars, and he loves taking his sweet time.

I think Loeb is vastly overrated as an author. He's better at generating attention with "events" than at the actual writing part of the job. His dialogue and his stories are often corny, awkward, heavy-handed, ridiculously flamboyant, repetitive, and humorless.

No, but tell us what you really think, Tom?

He does sucker me in with the events, though, I have to admit. Over in Batman/Superman (which one is supposed to be billed first? Do they take turns every other issue?), I loved the return of Lex Luthor's green and purple power suit. I loved the return of Supergirl (at the beginning, before it started dragging). And, though I didn't buy the single issues, I couldn't wait for Hush to be collected in a book (a softcover book, screw that hardback nonsense) so I could see what all the buzz was about.

And this is it? The mysterious villain the whole story has been built around, Batman's bandage-faced nemesis, has so far committed the diabolical acts of... cutting Batman's bat-rope, and shooting out one of his bat-tires. Ooooh, what a chilling menace he is!

Meanwhile, there's a bunch of nonsense about Killer Croc and Poison Ivy either knowingly or unknowingly working for "Hush" (that is what they wind up calling the villain, isn't it? Because, in the five issues I've read, he still hasn't been named), and flashbacks built around Bruce Wayne's childhood friend Tommy Elliot that scream "red herring" so obviously that I'm jarred out of the story each time ("Just try and kill me," says young Bruce to young Tommy; "I can always think like you," says young Tommy to young Bruce; "Lay it on a little thicker, why don't you," says I to Loeb). Plus, Batman punches Superman and makes out with Catwoman, which, frankly, is fan fiction-level wish fulfillment. "Dude, wouldn't it be sweet if Batman used kryptonite to fight Superman?? Again??? And, like, he should totally bone Catwoman, too!!! I am so gonna post that on the forums tonight!!!"

Plus I hate the sound effects. Yes, that's right, I'm nitpicking at the sound effects. A writer writes all the sound effects in a comic, doesn't he? Look at some of the ones Loeb uses: DUSCHK, HAMD, BAX, SWAG ("SWAG"?), BDOK, BERKSCH, DUSSHK (maybe that's just a misspelling of "DUSCHK"), DTUSH. Those aren't sound effects, those are bad draws in Scrabble. I mean, "HAMD"? That's the sound of brass knuckles to Huntress' skull? "HAMD"?

And everything has a sound effect. Batman's batarang has to go "ZIP" not once, not twice, but three times around Croc's mouth. A knife cutting a newspaper has to go "SLIKT" (twice). A doctor opening the door to the O.R.: "BOOM". Me reading the 8,000th sound effect in three pages: "ARRGHH!!"

Other than that, though, it was okay.

Because there's the art. The art. I'm not enough of a cynic about that whole Image crowd to deny that Jim Lee does some damn excellent artwork. (Almost, though -- my disdain for Todd McFarlane and Rob Liefeld runs pretty deep, tainting many of those around them as well.) That's a lot of lovely detail, and some great, inventive, visceral action scenes. And he sure do love drawing women's asses, don't he? Jim Lee is why I'll get the next volume of Hush.

Let me remind you, by the way, that I don't know how this storyline ends. I've intentionally avoided as much internet chat about it as possible, and despite the fact that I already found out there's some Jason Todd stuff coming up (that was nice and subtle, by the way, having bandage-face stand next to the first five letters of the sign on the "Robinson's" building in issue 3), and despite how much I've complained about the writing -- try to avoid spoilers if you comment. Thanks.

COMICS: More on Wed. 7/14/04

Okay, let's try this again.

Superman/Batman: As I said before, this story needs to end. Batman and Superman's dueling captions have been saying the exact same thing for, what four issues now?

BATMAN: I don't trust anyone because mommy didn't hold me enough. Superman's a chump and a doofus.
SUPERMAN: Batman's got a stick up his ass. I'm totally right to put all my trust in someone I've known for three days.

(I may be paraphrasing a little.) And I'm getting a little tired of Michael Turner's art. It's gorgeous in places, but everyone is starting to look like a Kate Moss-type, heroin-chic cover model.

She-Hulk: Don't care for the new artist. I don't know if this is a permanent art change, but I hope not. I mean, She-Hulk is actually wearing that purple and white skintight uniform on the cover inside the comic now. That's not an improvement. The last artist made some weird alterations to fairly well-established character designs, like the Thing and Spider-Man, but they were pleasantly eye-catching changes. The new art is more standard action fare. I hope this title doesn't start playing down to generic superhero expectations, rather than remaining the unique genre-busting book I became a fan of. (Although I have to admit, I got a kick out of seeing Nova knocked across town.)

Captain America: I'm a fan of Robert Kirkman's Invincible and The Walking Dead, but his writing debut here did not impress me at all. The characters speak in awkward phrases and corny cliches; Captain America is portrayed as a lunkhead on cruise control. The best part was the peek at Hydra's break room, but that was it for originality. Disappointing.

Fables Also disappointing. After eight issues of the Wooden Soldiers, all the conflicts are resolved off-page. Bigby wipes out the Wooden Soldiers, but we only get to see the Gingerbread House Witch's description of it. And the Witch vs. Red Riding Hood/Baba Yaga battle is only shown in one panel, reflected in King Cole's eye. Lame. After eight issues of build-up, we deserve to witness those resolutions. Also, Snow White's running and embracing Bigby was way out of character. First issue of Fables that let me down. At least there's a new story next issue.

Punisher: Which is more than I can say for this title. I've already complained about this tedious storyline before. All I'll add now is, I wish every goddam story in every goddam Marvel Comic weren't Constitutionally required to be six goddam issues.

Scurvy Dogs: Hilarious as always. Everyone should get this book. This issue, Blackbeard's crew gets swept up in a media frenzy orchestrated by Buck Rogers in the 25th Century's Dr. Theopolis -- remember him? He was the talking disc Twiki carried around his neck. Twiki dumped him, and now a gasoline-drinking Rod Stewart carries him instead. This book is sheer comic genius.

Street Angel: As is this one. I picked up the second issue because of a mention of it in John Jakala's Grotesque Anatomy (oddly enough, in a post with a negative review of the upcoming third issue). I really want to go into this issue in more detail, because its insane comedic brilliance deserves proper attention, but I will mention it involves a Mexican wresting mask-wearing Incan sun god, Spanish Conquistador Cortez, who strangely enough has a pegleg and talks like a movie pirate, a bunch of ninjas who ride fire engines into battle (so much for that vaunted ninja stealth!), Cosmick, the world's first Irish astronaut (Cosmick, get it?), and Jesse, a teenage girl, master of the martial arts, and the world's greatest homeless skateboarder, who fights against "ninjas, drugs, nepotism, and pre-algebra as Street Angel." I loved this book.

COMICS: Wed. 7/14/04

I just spent over an hour on a comics post that just got obliterated because Blogger's "improvements" to their post creation form are buggy as hell and suck copious amounts of ass. I even right-clicked and saved the text as a precaution: the crash still erased it all. Blogger is a severely shitty site.

GOD DAMN IT!!!

I'm so furious I can't even attempt to recreate the post now. I'm done. Here, here's my frickin' update: Street Angel is awesome, The Punisher and Superman/Batman need to finish their tedious current storylines right now, the finish of the Wooden Soldiers story in Fables was surprisingly disappointing, Chaykin's Bite Club is just okay, while his Challengers of the Unknown is excellent, visually exciting with a compelling story, though the characters are all underdeveloped so far, and The Pulse was typical Bendis, meaning the story is padded beyond belief, but I still liked it, the dialogue, and the characters.

And I haven't yet read She-Hulk, Robert Kirkman's debut on Captain America, Scurvy Dogs, and Eightball.

God damn lousy Blogger.

COMICS: Wed. 6/30/04

Went to my friendly neighborhood comics shop Wednesday and wound up hanging out with employees Mike, Dorian, and Chris, as well as fellow comics fiends Corey and Ian, for a good hour and a half. Good times. One of our conversation topics was about our Irish chins, all of which (but Corey's) are oh-so-cleverly concealed behind facial hair. Chris, who isn't Irish, felt left out, but we all decided that half Mexican plus half Jewish equals Irish, and that seemed to cheer the lad right up.

Anyway. Only three new comics today, a light and inexpensive load for me, but I collected a bundle of back issues as well, and wound up putting a serious hurt on my bank account after all. Hooray?

• Batman: Harley and Ivy
  Part 3 of a 3-part mini. Another funny issue from Paul Dini and Bruce Timm, featuring Harley and Ivy's misadventures in Hollywood. Very reminiscent of the work the two did on the Batman cartoon -- but with a more adult slant. Which I think must be confusing parents and kids alike. A cursory glance reveals the same cartoony art style found in the children's comic Batman Adventures, but a closer look reveals:
  

  Lingerie shot. Lingerie shot. Panty shot. Panty shot. Bra shot. Ass shot. Panties around ankles shot. Shower shot. Shower shot. Shower shot. Panty shot. Partial bare boob shot. Panty shot. Panty shot. Towel shot.

  And so forth and so on. There's a reason this book isn't approved by the Comics Code Authority. It's very naughty, in an innocent way, if that makes sense. Good clean dirty fun.


• Invincible
  My favorite new series of the past year (or so) continues to satisfy. In the aftermath of last issue's brutal battle between father and son, an important new government agent character is introduced, Mark learns more about what his father did for a living, new relationships are formed, both inside and outside the superhero world, and Mark's got a new job. Which, after being so utterly betrayed by his father, seems like a foolish thing to jump into as blindly as he does, but hey, the kid's still learning. Robert Kirkman has quickly become one of my favorite writers, and Ryan Ottley continues to impress with his sharp, clean artwork. Invincible is one of my five current favorites.


• The Punisher
  After the amazing previous storyline, in which longtime Punisher ally Micro met his shocking, extremely graphic end at the hands (well, shotgun) of the Punisher himself, this new story feels like a muddled let-down. Something about the IRA and pirates on the East River and some old guy who cuts up people real good and a bomb expert who's missing nine-tenths of his face and a dreadlocked, gold-toothed gangster and oh, I just stopped caring. Maybe I was just tired when I read this issue, but it stopped making sense around page three. Too much plot getting in the way of the action, as Joe Bob would say.


• She-Hulk
  I've been hearing a lot of good things about this title -- "It's not what you'd expect!" -- so I finally broke down and bought the first four issues. (Corey was pleased that both I and Ian were buying it.) And it's a good fun book. The artwork is nice -- although, in some action sequences (such as the one with MODOK in outer space), it's a little hard to tell what's going on -- and the writing is clever and humorous. The book's about She-Hulk, after she's screwed up her life with excessive partying (losing her job and getting kicked out of the Avengers mansion in the process), getting hired by a prestigious law firm that handles supernormal clients -- but the catch is, they don't want She-Hulk, they want her non-powered alter ego, Jessica Walters. I have minor complaints about She-Hulk's/Jen's seeming inability to stand up for herself, whether it be against the Avengers or her bitchy new co-worker, and I think it's a little unlikely the Avengers would've gone straight to kicking her out of the mansion without having a talk with her first, but hey, you gotta get the plot and conflict somehow. And like I said, minor complaints. I've heard the book's in danger of cancellation. Which just figures, now that I've finally started liking it.

I also picked up Ex Machina (by Brian K. Vaughan, writer of Y: The Last Man -- another of my current favorites) and Astonishing X-Men, both of which I forgot to get last week. I've got nothing to add about them that hasn't been said already. (Oh, and also, I haven't read them yet.)

And on Corey's recommendation, I got an issue of Brit, by Invincible writer Kirkman, but I didn't read it yet, either. Possible follow-up post later today.