TV: The Fastest Men Alive

There's a new fastest man alive: on Sunday, Ben Gatlin won the gold in the 100-meter dash, in an incredible 9.85 seconds. Even more incredible, the silver went to a time of 9.86 seconds, the bronze to 9.87 seconds. Fourth was 9.89, fifth was 9.94, sixth was 10 even. That's inconceivable to me. How can you even register 1/100th of a second difference? Is one guy's nose longer than the other's? You can't help but think of that Seinfeld joke about the minute differences between Olympic heroes and nobodies. "First place, [moves head back two inches] dead last. [Moves head forward two inches] Greatest guy in the world, [moves head back two inches] never heard of him."

(I promise I won't write any more about the Olympics today, except to note that I've been enjoying the women's diving competitions for all the wrong reasons.)

Meanwhile, the fastest man alive is missing in action on Justice League Unlimited. Where the hell is the Flash?? We're four episodes in, and he hasn't even had one line yet. I can't even recall if he made an appearance in the first episode. Not to say I haven't been enjoying the show. Last week's episode with the Justice League Babies was hilarious, especially young Wonder Woman's crush on young Batman, but it was a light, inconsequential episode that probably should have come later in the season, after the new rotating cast premise had been better established (apparently, this was originally supposed to air as the fifth show of the season, rather than the third). And this week's Hawk and Dove episode was decent, if not overwhelming. The voice-casting of Hawk and Dove was inspired (Wonder Years brothers Jason Hervey and Fred Savage, with Hervey here switching roles as the younger, kinder brother, Savage playing the older, tougher one -- come on, you couldn't have had a guy named "Savage" play the Dove, could you?); in addition, Michael York was a great villain's voice, and Ed Asner as Hephaestus had some cute, borderline naughty wordplay with Wonder Woman (involving the tightness of her costume).

But dammit, where's the Flash? Is Michael Rosenbaum too busy on Smallville to make the trip to the voice sessions? Hell, he's practically out of the opening credits as it is; the new opening animation suggests Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman are the Justice League, and Flash, Green Lantern, and Martian Manhunter are now merely part of the giant supporting cast -- featured supporting players, yes, but not the headliners.

Maybe it's just as well; the writers have never really known how to portray Flash's powers accurately. When they've used him to the best effect (as in the brilliant "A Better World" two-parter), he's nearly a match for Superman; more often, though, he's a clown. Comic relief, that's one thing, but he's just a clown, in and out of battle. He's been taken down by the lamest villains, and his speed, which should be supersonic at the very least, near light speed at best, is often reduced to barely that of a speeding car.

Over on Teen Titans, the same can be said of Beast Boy. His powers are phenomenal, but he rarely uses them to their true potential; hell, most of the time, he forgets he can turn into something that can fly. This week, while in wolf-form, he got his foot trapped under a rock. Rather than turning into any of a hundred animals that could've escaped (from an elephant to an earthworm), he turned back into his human form (still trapped) and tried to reason with his attacker, Terra. More emotionally affecting, perhaps, making heartfelt pleas to his erstwhile friend, but stupid from any practical point of view.

When the writers have used him well, Beast Boy has been more than a match even for the Titans' arch-nemesis, Slade (though, having defeated Slade a couple episodes ago, BB reverted to his usual clown-like self and allowed him to walk away with Terra in tow). I don't mind comic relief in my superhero teams; I just wish more often they'd live up to their superheroic capabilities, rather than taking all the pratfalls.

TV: You can rest knowing they've got your back

This weekend saw the long-anticipated return of two of my favorite cartoons: Teen Titans and Justice League, now retooled as Justice League Unlimited.

Teen Titans finally resolved the Terra cliffhanger (I don't think it was intended as a "cliffhanger", but when you take four months off between episodes, that's what you get) by having her betray the team on Slade's behalf. I have to say, after all that work to put Terra inside the Teen Titans headquarters, Slade's grand plan was pretty stupid. Send in a bunch of robots? The ones the Titans destroy every single time? That's your plan? I mean, it led to some excellent fight scenes, but that's about it. If the plan was to kill the Titans, why were the robots trying to install some of Slade's machinery in the tower? If the plan was to install that machinery, why didn't he just have Terra do it? It's just a nonsensical plan, a waste of resources and an unnecessary exposure of his mole in their organization. And what is Terra's reason for working for Slade? She's not bad, and Slade didn't appear to have her under any kind of physical or mental control. Why does she help him hurt her friends? And why does Beast Boy let Slade go at the end, when it looks like his bear-form was kicking the crap out of him?

So, yeah, some minor questions leaving me a little dissatisfied with this episode. But I'm glad to see the show back, and I see that the next two episodes also feature Terra, so maybe some of my questions will actually be answered.

Justice League Unlimited also left me wanting. The reveal of the satellite full of heroes at the very beginning was pretty cool, but I'm afraid all those extra characters are going to crowd out some of the original seven (six, now -- it looks like Hawkgirl is gone for good, which is a shame. At least she's not forgotten; best scene in this episode was Green Lantern waking up yelling "Shayera!" I hope she returns at some point this season. And speaking of GL: nice facial hair. As Scott at Polite Dissent noted: it's the Avery Brooks makeover). Many of the original episodes left out one or more of the headliners, and that was when they only had seven total to draw from. Now there's dozens. It looks like Martian Manhunter will be left out of the main action every episode, coordinating things from the satellite, which I don't like. And I don't think Flash or Wonder Woman had a single line this episode, which, considering this was the season premiere and all, is a bad sign of things to come.

I don't like the new title sequence: it seemed like they couldn't show enough of Supergirl. There are, like, fifty other superheroes you could show in the credits, why concentrate on her? Maybe the credits will change each week, showcasing whichever characters are in that week's episode. That'd be nice.

I liked Green Arrow (although I don't care for his voice -- Kin Shriner, some soap opera guy I've never heard of. His voice is too wimpy), and they made sure to supply a fan-favorite moment right at the beginning. The second I saw him, I started chanting, "Boxing glove arrow, boxing glove arrow," and they did not fail to deliver. Sweet! His reluctance to join the team was believable, and his reason for staying was another fan-favorite moment (Black Canary!), but the chemistry the writers seemed to want to build between him and Green Lantern never really worked. And the resolution to the nuclear menace was pretty lame: "It's an inanimate carbon rod!" Would a twelve-inch chunk of carbon really shut down a fifty-foot tall atomic robot? And if so: who cares? It just looks dumb.

A note on the music: please make it stop. It's horrible. That twangy guitar doesn't fit with this show at all (unless Lobo makes an appearance). Get the old music back, stat.

So, yeah, another disappointment for me. There appears to be a lot of promise in this show, especially if they face some galactic-level menace and have to use everyone at once, but I was just fine with the smaller team. I think they had plenty more stories to tell, with room to fit in the occasional guest-star superhero. I fear the real fun of this show -- and its focus -- might get lost in the crowd.