TV: Lost

Spoilers ahoy!

"Dude... Nikki's dead."

"Who the hell is Nikki?"

THANK YOU for that, Sawyer. Thank you for speaking for the audience on that one. The addition of Paolo and Nikki has been one of the worst ideas of this overall far-below-par third season of Lost. I appreciate the writers acknowledging the frustration of the audience with these useless, do-nothing characters, who have only appeared a few times, and have stunk up the screen every time. We don't know who these people are, and we don't CARE who these people are. Why, oh why have you been wasting precious screentime with these two nobodies?

That said, this was a great episode. It was tremendous fun to flash back to previous episodes of the series, and see events through the eyes of some of the lesser characters. Such as the killed-off Shannon and Boone (whose reappearance didn't add much to their backstories, but made the episode as a whole more thrilling). Or Daniel Roebuck as Arzt, my favorite guest character, whose explosive demise is still one of the best shocks this show has ever generated, and whose return in this episode was highly entertaining. When Sawyer threw out Michael's name at one point, it took me a long time to remember who he was even talking about -- and then, when I remembered, and realized that he wasn't appearing in any flashbacks, I was bitterly disappointed. I wonder if Harold Perrineau left the show on more sour terms than Maggie Grace (Shannon) and Ian Somerhalder (Boone).

The producers have been promising for a while now that, when they finally got to the backstory of Nikki and Paolo, it would make their presence from the beginning of the season feel worthwhile. I will admit it was a damn good episode, but I still don't feel like Nikki and Paolo added anything to the show; I acknowledge that using them as the basis for revisiting several important moments in Lost history was clever, but I still don't think that they, specifically, were worthwhile characters. Especially if they're really dead, in which case they have been a complete waste of time. (I kind of suspect that next week we'll see them clawing their way out of their grave, fully recovered from their spider-induced paralysis.)

I was sorely disappointed with the first fragment of this season of Lost, in which a whole lot of nothing happened, and it happened primarily to a very few characters, leaving most of the huge cast that we've come to know and love from the beginning stranded. Ooooh, here's how Jack got his tattoo. Screw you, Jack! Where's Hurley?

The last few episodes of this second part of the season have gotten things back on track. It was just three weeks ago that I was complaining about Locke's idiocy in blowing up the communications station; last week's episode redeemed that moment by revealing it was an intentional action on Locke's part, a piece of his plan (stupid and selfish though his plan may be) to keep all of the castaways stranded on the island forever. Things like that, and the moment in tonight's episode when we saw why Paolo's bathroom moment in the Pearl station months ago seemed so suspicious, make me believe that maybe the writers of this show actually do have an idea of where they're going. I lost a lot of faith in this show during the Fall 2006 episodes. These 2007 episodes are winning my trust back, a little bit at a time -- though, as I said before, no matter what, I'm with it to the end.

---

I'll be driving up to San Francisco tomorrow. Thank you to those of you who have suggested places to visit. I'll be able to check the internet from up there, so if you want to add more suggestions to the last post, please do. However, I don't think I'll be updating the blog until I get back, which means either Tuesday night or sometime Wednesday. Try not to miss me. No, wait, I take that back: miss me terribly!

San Francisco, here I come!

I have a request for those of you in the San Francisco Bay Area, or those of you familiar with San Francisco: what do I need to do, where do I need to go while I'm there?

I lived in the Bay Area for over 12 years, and yet managed to avoid visiting most of the interesting places in the City. I'd like to check out two or three truly nifty places or things while I'm there this weekend -- the plan right now is to drive up Thursday and drive back Tuesday.

Some of my potential destinations (a few of which I've been to before) include Top of the Mark -- an excuse to SUIT UP!, Barney-style, while paying ten bucks for crazy martini concoctions and overlooking a panoramic view of the city (probably for Saturday night); the Tonga Room at the Fairmont, a cheesy tiki bar with an indoor lagoon complete with rainstorms; the Speakeasy Brewery (probably for happy hour Friday, sometime between 4-8 PM); the Hemlock dive bar; Amoeba Records; the Isotope Lounge and Comix Experience, for comic book geekery, and to meet a few of the people behind the blogs; and, hopefully, some kind of a show/concert, currently being looked into by my friend Matt (on whose couch I will be crashing). Also, I'd like to fit in a trip to the Parkway Speakeasy Theater in Oakland, a second-run movie house that serves beer and pizza -- an establishment which many of my midwestern visitors would know as a "brew 'n view," which are abundant in, say, Chicago or Austin, but are sadly almost non-existent in California.

Any other points of interest for me to visit? Keep in mind, I did most of the real touristy stuff while I was there (Coit Tower, Alcatraz, Golden Gate Park, the Stinking Rose, Fisherman's Wharf, etc.), and am looking for some of the more obscure, but still generally entertaining, points of interest. Availability of alcohol is a plus. Please speak up now -- I leave Thursday morning!

Open up those Golden Gates

I'm making a pilgrimage up to San Francisco before I make my Big Move (yes, I've decided to capitalize it now). Before I leave the state, I want to visit my friends still in the Bay Area (such as Ian Brill), and my favorite city in the world (and yes, wise guy, I've seen more than one city; I've been to London, Paris, New York, Los Angeles of course, Geneva, Brussels, Berlin, Madrid, Barcelona, Dublin, and Seattle [not in that order], to name a few of the world's finest, and frankly, only Seattle has rivaled my love for the city so grand they call it The City).

I've been doing research online for possible fun things going on in S.F. this weekend, and I ran across this article from Modern Drunkard Magazine, relating a week-long bar-hopping binge in the City by the Bay. I've been to a few of the bars named -- Mad Dog in the Fog, Molotov's, the Tonga Room -- but there are several others I'm curious to check out.

I also rediscovered one of my favorite articles: The 86 Rules of Boozing. (Tangential trivia: do you know why Maxwell Smart was Agent 86 on Get Smart? It's because, as the title of this article also references, to "86" someone is to ban them from an establishment, generally a bar; it was a funny, bad luck number to give to Max. Also, Agent 99 was originally Agent 69, but that's beside the point of this already beside-the-point note.)

I'll save you the trouble of clicking. For you drunks reading this blog (and I know you're out there!), here are Modern Drunkard's 86 Rules of Boozing, by Frank Kelly Rich. (With some comments from yours truly, the guy named after a drink, Tom Collins.)

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
If you deliberately neglect either of the preceding two rules, you are a bad drinker.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
Not true, in my experience; if your bartender's that neglectful to begin with, you just end up paying double for a barely acceptable drink.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
One of the most significant rules, and probably the most often forgotten.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
From the few stories I've been privileged to hear, it's true.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing -- urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
Wrong. Never, ever, EVER talk to someone while you're urinating. Also, never use a urinal directly next to someone else unless the other urinals are also occupied.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
That's when my confidence is PEAKING!

25. It is only permissible to shout "woo-hoo!" if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
I can do this. It doesn't "work," at least not in the way this guy means. It works about as well as juggling, or doing a magic trick.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
Ian, my friend Forrest, and I can vouch for that in re: a certain bottle of port. Shameful, but true. And delicious!

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
I prefer "tiger".

47. Nothing screams "nancy boy" louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
I can not recommend a round of Mind Erasers highly enough. Corollary: you must have a race to see who finishes first.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
Always, always, always!

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
SO TRUE! Why are so many rich people such stingy bastards when it comes to tipping?! Answer: because they never had to rely on tips for their income, and have no conception that tips, not salary, are how people in the service industry make their living.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."

67. Never ask a bartender, "What's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but..."

78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.

79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.

82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.
In fact, it's MANDATORY to drink before noon on Sundays during NFL season.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
My best friend Lew gave me a flask when I was best man at his wedding. It's engraved with my initials. And it is indeed one of the best gifts I've ever received.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

Season Finales: Rome, Battlestar Galactica

Big spoilers ahead.

Two tremendous series finales on TV tonight: the season, and series, ender for HBO's epic Rome, and the last of Battlestar Galactica until 2008.

Rome first, which I think was the more successful of the two overall. (Side note: what is the deal with the IMDb page, which has "Female Frontal Nudity" listed as a plot keyword? That's just wrong. I mean, it's correct, technically, for many episodes... but it's still just wrong.) Rome had to wrap up an awful lot of stories in not a lot of time -- though it was ten or fifteen minutes longer than usual. And most of those stories were wrapped up very well indeed. The centerpiece of the episode, the inevitable demises of Mark Antony and Cleopatra, was powerful; I actually felt sorry for that wretched, debauched bastard Antony. His anguish at the (false) news of his beloved Cleopatra's suicide, and his death in the arms of the loyal Lucius Vorenus, were surprisingly moving.

Polly Walker, as Atia, was brilliant as usual. She went from venomous rage and desire for her betrayer Antony's death, to inconsolable grief when that wish was granted. But of course, no setback, no tragedy could ever sidetrack her for long: her putting Octavian's wife in her place was delicious. My favorite Atia moment, though, had to be her musing to herself as to where her son might have gotten his mean streak from. Atia is one of the most wickedly enjoyable villains ever to be seen on TV, and if there is any justice, Polly Walker should win an Emmy for this performance.

As for Atia's children, it was chilling to see Octavian evolve into a monster. He always had the capacity for cold-bloodedness, but his tight-smiling, dead-eyed parley with Cleopatra, pretending to negotiate while transparently arranging for her abduction and the murder of her son, was devastating, making Cleopatra's suicide-by-asp seem like an understandable choice. And Octavia: in the final scenes, we see she's pregnant. Did I miss a reference to this, or are we just to assume she married Agrippa? Or that she was merely continuing her affair with him and having his baby?

Finally, there were our heroes, Vorenus and his comrade, Titus Pullo. If there was any character who deserved a better ending, it was Vorenus. How do you let Vorenus's death occur off-stage? That baffled and disappointed me. You can say that with the reconciliation between him and his children, his story was finished, but I say we deserved to see his final moment. The fact that he received his (eventual) fatal wound defending his best friend's only son -- that, at least, was a good death. And Pullo -- good old Pullo, good old soft-hearted, inhuman killing machine Pullo. In the last episode, he discovered that his current lover had murdered his former wife and unborn child; he strangled her to death and dumped her corpse in the river. And all he had to say to Vorenus on the matter: "That ended badly." I'm glad he survived; he was the most entertaining character in a series packed with nothing but colorful characters. And even if Caesarion's fate was somewhat different from that written in the history books, it was worth it for the final line: "About your father...." A great end to a magnificent series.

Battlestar Galactica, on the other hand, didn't do much for me for the majority of the episode. The trial of Baltar was ridiculous. Getting Lee up on the stand, and having him give a five minute soapbox speech, presenting the defense's closing arguments as testimony, while the judges allow it to happen, was pure lunacy. The judges going along with this was like something from The Simpsons: "Even though reopening a trial at this point is illegal and grossly unconstitutional, I just can't say no to kids." I mean, I see that, for the sake of the show, Baltar has to go free, and short of the Cylons rescuing him, it was going to have to be some over-the-top courtroom antics that did it. But this was just amateurish garbage, and it soured the whole episode for me. (Although I did enjoy Gaeta's steely-eyed, poker-faced perjury.)

Up until the very end, that is. We got not one, not two, not three, but four cliffhanger bombshells to stew over until next year. First: the Cylon fleet appears. But that's a pretty standard cliffhanger for this show, so we'll gloss over it. Second: Sharon, Laura Roslin, and the captive Six are all sharing the same dream: all of them, it seems, are being called to protect Hera from what appear to be the menacing figures of the final five. Why is Hera so important? And why, and how, are these three -- along with Baltar, apparently -- being called together to (presumably) save her from the five? Meanwhile, number three: four of the final five are onboard Galactica! Perhaps there's some other explanation, but it didn't seem like there was much ambiguity: Tigh, Tyrol, Sam and Tory are Cylons, who have now been activated by the mysterious music only they can hear. If it's true, that turns the whole show upside-down. That is one hell of a bold move on the part of the writers. Let's hope they can follow through on it.

And fourth, and most pleasingly: the return of Kara. At first, I suspected that we were only seeing four of the final five on Galactica because the fifth would have to be Starbuck (you knew she wasn't gone for good, even if the showrunners were sneaky enough to take her name out of the opening credits). But no -- instead she comes buzzing up to Lee, her fighter plane still intact, claiming not only that it was really her (and not a Cylon), despite Lee witnessing her explosive death, but also that she had found Earth. And in a dizzying, dramatic sweep through space, we find that she ain't lying -- Earth, the real Earth, our Earth, with the recognizable American continents, is just a hop, skip, and a jump away.

But what era of Earth? The music the potential final four were all hearing suggests a clue: Bob Dylan's "All Along the Watchtower." (Or a non-Hendrix cover of it, anyway.) It's not prehistoric Earth, it's not an alternate timeline Earth -- if that song exists, then it's our modern Earth. (Well, it could be a distant future Earth, where that particular song has been inexplicably preserved, and is either being broadcast into space by Earth, or has been co-opted by Cylons -- or both, I guess -- but that's taking this line of speculation way farther than is reasonable at this point.)

The first time Tigh muttered to himself, "There must be some kind of way out of here," I jumped in to finish the line on my own: "Said the joker to the thief." I thought it was just a quirky line of dialogue, signifying nothing; I was amused and skeptical, but increasingly captivated, finally becoming completely blown away, as I realized the writers actually had the balls to incorporate the iconic song into the show. Such a gamble could've played out as a totally cheesy misfire, and it seemed at first like that's what was going to happen. But the way they presented it, with the four possible Cylons reeling, gripped by a seeming madness, as the music soared and shrieked relentlessly -- it worked for me, it sold me. It took a while, but it sold me, and at the end of it all, as the music climaxed with the reveal of Earth, I had to rewind and watch the last ten minutes all over again. It was a masterful cap to an otherwise wobbly episode, and it had me thrilled with anticipation for next season -- which was not the case for the fifty minutes preceding it. Or about three or four episodes before that. Way to pull your fat out of the fire, BSG. See you in 2008.

1 Vs. 100, Happy Happy Joy Joy Update

I GOT MY PRIZE MONEY TODAY!!!

Well, the first installment. Which was $4,421! And six cents. The rest of the money I made was on an episode that aired two weeks after the first one, which hopefully means I'll be getting the remaining $1,722 within a fortnight. They told me when I won that it would take 90 days after the shows aired for me to get my payments. Today is 78 days after the first episode, so: way to go, 1 Vs. 100, on promptness!

I was hoping the money would be showing up sometime soon, but this is absolutely ideal timing, I'll tell you what. I needed that cash for my big move. But I'll worry about that stuff later. For now -- DRINKS ARE ON ME!!

I mean that literally. I spilled my drink. My bad.

Monthly Sidebar Update

Hey, I'm finally copping to it in the post title: my sidebar updates have slipped from weekly to monthly, and there's no point in pretending otherwise. What a shame. Welp, let's get to it while it's still monthly!

This week's month's Object of My Affection is Laura Silverman, sister of comedian Sarah Silverman. Really, I could've put Sarah up there instead; I dig her thoroughly. But then Dorian would've burned my blog to the ground. He hates Sarah Silverman as much as I hate diet soda. (That's a lot!) Laura appears with Sarah on The Sarah Silverman Program, as Sarah Silverman's sister, Laura Silverman. Big stretch. I first became familiar with her as Dr. Katz's acerbic receptionist on the fantastic animated series, Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist; her character was named... Laura. Hmm, kind of a Tony Danza thing going on there. (Trivia question: on how many sitcoms did Tony play a character named Tony? Answer: FOUR.) I think she's funny and lovely, and she looks even hotter with the red hair she's got on TSSP.

Reading: as I mentioned in the last post, I have finally finished Quicksilver, Book 1 of Neal Stephenson's epic Baroque Cycle, and have moved on to Book 2, The Confusion. It opens with the return of an excellent character I thought had died in the first book, so I'm pretty psyched right off the bat. Hope I can get through this one by... let's say Thanksgiving. Don't want to set any unrealistic goals here. (In which case I should probably say Thanksgiving 2008.)

Watching: I've been doing a lot of stalling and lazing about lately, instead of a mountain of work I really should be doing. Quicksilver helped with that procrastinating immensely. As have my DVDs of Arrested Development. I haven't watched them for quite a while, and I'm glad to find they're as unbelievably funny as I remembered. Watching them all in a row, I've been picking up on things I didn't notice the first or even third time through, subtle foreshadowing and running gags (such as the throwaway line, "two strikes, you're out") that helped make this series such a richly rewarding comedic gem. There are a few worthy sitcoms on the air right now -- most notably The Office and 30 Rock (and I'm also greatly enjoying 30 Rock's temporary timeslot filler, Andy Barker P.I.) -- but none of them quite fill the void left by Arrested's cancellation. If you don't own these DVDs, Amazon has the complete series for sale right now at the ridiculously low price of $54.99. That's 50% off! And I don't even get a commission from that link! I just want you to buy some TV brilliance at a great price while you can. You won't regret it! (Not a guarantee.)

Listening: Ken Lowery and I had a bit of back and forth in the comments two posts ago about the band, the Refreshments. I think they're fantastic, and I consider their first album, Fizzy Fuzzy Big & Buzzy, one of my favorite albums ever. So since then, of course, I've been on a Refreshments listening marathon. Which doesn't take all that much time, really; they only released two albums. But I've been listening to them a lot. Hope you give 'em a chance, Ken!

Hating: Carlos Mencia. Again. SamuraiFrog (not his real name) (I assume) alerted me to Mencia's latest crime against comedy: the notorious joke thief has stolen a joke from Bill Cosby. And not just some obscure, run of the mill Cosby joke -- no, he decided to steal from one of the most watched and beloved comedy films of all time, Bill Cosby: Himself. Click the link below Mencia's picture over on the sidebar, and watch the You Tube comparison between Cosby and Mencia, and try to tell me that's not blatant, brazen joke theft. Beware when you click: you may accidentally read some comments from Mencia's idiotic, bootlicking defenders, with pearls of wisdom along the lines of "It made me laugh, so who gets hurt" (uh, the people he steals from, you assholes) and "Joe Rogan's a fag."

Lyric of the Week (well, that's what it still says on the sidebar, anyway) is from Kim Richey's "A Place Called Home," a simple, beautiful, and achingly longing song. Devoted Whedonites will recognize the tune immediately, and associate it (as I do) with a particular moment of televisual tragedy: this is the song that plays at the end of the episode of Angel in which Fred suddenly and heartbreakingly dies. This song is particularly poignant to me these days. I'm getting ready for a big move (which is what I've been procrastinating about), in which I'll be leaving the town I've always thought of as home -- though it hasn't really been my home since I was 18 years old; even spending the last few years back here hasn't made it feel like my home again. Frankly, I don't know where my home is. Moving away from here will hopefully get me one step closer to finding it. Is that too hippie-dippie? Oh well. Peace!

BOOKS: Quicksilver

I have so many, many things I should be doing. Much work to be accomplished. And instead of any of that, what did I accomplish instead?

I finished Neal Stephenson's Quicksilver.

For those of you who've been reading this blog for a while, you know that that is indeed quite the accomplishment for me. I have been trying to read that book for the entire existence of this blog. Check out this post from July, 2004, in which I mention having checked out Quicksilver from the library. That's coming up on three years, yo. (Incidentally, you can see from that entry I've been adding labels to my posts, working from the beginning. I haven't gotten very far yet, but eventually, you will be able to see exactly how many times I've mentioned Who's Next, or Robocop. Won't that be fun?)

I predicted I wouldn't be able to finish the book before it was due back, and I was right. Later, I bought the paperback, started reading again from the beginning, and eventually put it down to read something else. Then I picked it up again, then quit again. Many times. Intermittently, I reported on my progress here; invariably, it was "not much." Then, finally, in December of last year, I decided I would get through that book if it was the last thing I ever did. Since I'm writing this entry right now, you can see it was not the last thing I ever did, which frankly is a bit of a relief to me.

Yep, I've devoted the majority of my reading time to Quicksilver for the last three months. Even for a tremendously deep and intricate, 900+ page book, that's a long while. The explanation is, my reading time isn't what it used to be. I only find the time, or patience, to read a few pages every day -- sometimes not even every day. Sometimes not even every week. So I got through Quicksilver by tiny bits and pieces. But I finished it! I finally, finally finished it.

And what did I think of it? It is -- and I don't think I'm overstating it -- a work of genius. Which is impressive, since so was Stephenson's previous book, Cryptonomicon (of which, in some ways, Quicksilver is a prequel). Dude's smart.

Quicksilver is about the scientific advances of Isaac Netwon, and his various contemporaries -- including their controversies, their failures, and their squabbles and conflicts. But it's also about the political intrigue of the era, from Charles I and Oliver Cromwell to Louis XIV and William III of Orange. And it's about religion and religious persecution and their effects on politics. And it's about economics, and minting, and class, and fashion, and book cataloguing, and alchemy, and banking, and slavery, and art, and the military, and mining, and the mercantile system, and cartography, and cryptography, and... oh, everything. All of which Stephenson manages to make not merely comprehensible or palatable, but fully appreciable and enthralling. And... it's all packed with thrilling action, and bawdy humor, and fully-fleshed characters, both real and fictitious, about whom you come to care immensely.

Quicksilver is one of the best books I've ever read. Despite my glee at conquering it, I'm sad it's over. The good news: there are two more books to go. So mark it: today, March 22, 2007, is the day I read the first page of Book 2 of Stephenson's "The Baroque Cycle," The Confusion. Let's hope this doesn't take another three years.

The movie of my life will be called SLAYFEST, and it will feature zombies.

I got nothin' else, so I'll do this music meme that's been going around.

If your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

1. Open your music library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc).
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5 . When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.

Opening credits: Monster Magnet, "Space Lord." Okay! I like it. Starts things out with a brutal, metal kick to the face. It's one of those songs that starts out low and laid back, then suddenly kicks into outrageous overdrive. This song recently appeared on an actual soundtrack: it was in one of the race scenes from Talladega Nights. That's how I picture it being used in the "movie" of my life: I'm performing some mundane tasks as the beginning plays -- getting ready for work, pouring some coffee in the travel mug, warming up the car... then I hit the gas and go rocketing off a jump as the heavy guitars kick in. Space Lord, Motherfucker!

Waking up: The Refreshments, "Fonder and Blonder." This is another excellent song. This could fit the scene I described above as well, only in a more melancholy kind of film. It would start the same, with me getting up, getting ready for work, getting in the car. But instead of hitting a ramp and jumping over some police cars, I'd get a flat tire and get mud splattered on me as I try to put on the spare. "Cars break down/And people break down/And other things break down too."

First day of school: Coldplay, "Don't Panic." I don't really know this song (and I'm not really listening to it now). I copied a couple of Coldplay albums from my brother-in-law over Christmas, but haven't really listened to them. But I think the title is very appropriate to the first day of school -- young boy, maybe a little frightened and confused, his mother letting him out of the car at this weird, scary new place, and mother tells him, "Don't panic." I like it.

Falling in love: Dropkick Murphys, "The Green Fields of France (No Man's Land)." Well, this doesn't fit at all. Of all the great, rocking, upbeat Murphys songs, why this one? This is about visiting the grave of a soldier killed in World War I. (Sample lyric: "Well I hope you died quick, and I hope you died clean/Or Willie McBride, was it slow and obscene?") Not exactly a "falling in love" tune. How to spin this? Maybe I meet the granddaughter (great-granddaughter? I can't be bothered to do the math right now) of the soldier, and we begin a love affair. Or maybe I'm a necrophiliac. Could go either way. (It's an awesome song, by the way; just doesn't work here.)

First love song: Dance Hall Crashers, "Go." The exhilarating, joyous ska of DHC is the kind of music that seems like it should be perfect for "First love," but the song's really more about a guy who abandons the adventure of love to cling instead to the old and familiar. Chorus: "Wanna go with you, but I think I'll stay." Also: "First love"? Didn't we just have "Falling in love"? Are they two different things? Or is "First love" code for "First gettin' it on"?

Breaking up: Petra Haden, "Armenia City in the Sky." These choices keep getting weirder. This is a cover of the Who song, from the great The Who Sells Out album; in an amazing feat of musicianship and perhaps foolhardiness, Petra Haden actually covered the entire album -- a capella. She even re-recorded the instrument tracks with just her voice, including the fuzzy, distorted guitars of the original version of this song. Possible lyrical relevance to the "Breaking up" theme: "If you ever want to disappear/Just take off and think of this." That's about it, though.

Prom: Faith No More, "Easy." Back on track with a song that couldn't be more perfectly suited to the theme, "Prom." Unless it were the original version of the song, by the Commodores -- that's even more apropos, in re: prom cheesiness. Would've worked better for the "Breaking up" theme above -- "Girl I'm leaving you tomorrow." Maybe I'm one song out-of-sync on my soundtrack!

Mental Breakdown: Warren Zevon, "The French Inhaler." Well. I don't know about this one. Apparently, there's a possibility that this song is about Marilyn Monroe, which might work for "Mental Breakdown." But that's just speculation. The song does have a bit of sadness and despair to it, so at least musically it's not totally wrong.

Driving: Jim Gaffigan, "Hoooot Pocket!" I was going to skip any non-music tracks if they came up, but I like this one for "Driving." This is one of the funniest comedy routines I've heard in my entire life. Ian, who introduced me to the genius of this Gaffigan album, almost drove off the road listening to it in his car because he was laughing so hard. I almost did the same thing. And then so did my friend Forrest when I introduced it to him. If that's not a good "Driving" track, I don't know what is.

Flashback: Joni Mitchell, "My Old Man." This is all about a sweet hippie chick digging on her hippie man. It's a good "Flashback" track -- but it ain't my flashback.

Getting back together: They Might Be Giants, "Everything Right Is Wrong Again." I definitely like this one here, suggesting that getting back together is the wrong thing to do. Plus any song that's got a shout-out to a Lucille Ball movie is all right by me.

Wedding: Green Day, "Wake Me Up When September Ends." I don't know that there are any Green Day songs that are really great for a wedding, but this one is especially incorrect. It's all wrong, tonally -- mournful, funereal. It's about the death of the singer's father, after all. And has since been used in tribute to the victims of both Hurricane Katrina and 9/11. Not exactly the Macarena!

Birth of Child: Johnny Cash, "Dirty Old Egg-Suckin' Dog." This one just cracks me up. "Dirty old egg-suckin' dog/I'm gonna stomp your head in the ground." Yep, reminds me of childbirth.

Final Battle: Tom Petty, "Free Fallin'." It couldn't have been "I Won't Back Down" for "Final Battle"? Oh well. Maybe this is where the zombies come in. There's already vampires (moving West down Ventura Blvd.)

Death Scene: Jane's Addiction, "Up the Beach." This works pretty well. The intro, with the chilling, cutting guitars, could be me falling in that final battle above (in slo-mo, of course), capped off with the eerie (and only) lyrics: "Here we go again/Home..."

Funeral song: The Rolling Stones, "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction." Right on! Funerals should be a celebration of life, and there are very few rock songs that are as invigorating and as full of life as this one, right from that legendary opening riff. Also, lyrically accurate: I won't get much satisfaction, being dead and all.

End Credits: AC/DC, "School Days." A cover of the Chuck Berry classic. A rousing ending to the movie of my life, and to any soundtrack (though the original Berry recording would be better). Hail! Hail! Rock and roll!

Happy Hangover Day!

I hope all of you had a fine St. Patrick's Day yesterday, and a restful Hangover Day today. Hangover Day, as you know, is an American holiday which occurs four times a year: the day after New Year's Eve, the day after the Super Bowl, the day after St. Patrick's Day, and the day after your birthday. Traditional celebrations include sleeping very late, lying very still, cursing the phone for ringing so loud, and swearing you will never, ever do that again. And if possible, watching golf, as it is the only thing on TV that won't hurt your head.

How much did I drink last night? I sang "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" on karaoke. That much.

---

Small amount of pop culture content: I finally watched an episode of Fox's new sitcom, The Winner, and I wish I hadn't. I think star Rob Corddry is a very funny man, but this is a very not-funny show. It's a little sad; you can tell Corddry knows he's in a hopeless mess. You can see it in his eyes. He's like a rat in a trap. At least Katey Sagal was guest starring in this episode, to ease the pain somewhat. She's dead sexy, she is.

Oh, and did I mention the laugh track? It's oppressive. It's so brazen and insistent and relentless, and, most of all, so very, very wrong. You're wrong, laugh track! That was not funny! Bad laugh track!!

Gone Drinkin'

It's St. Paddy's Day! Which means I'll be taking a well-deserved break from providing you all this fine content, and I'll be drinking my liver into terrified submission. DAMN YOU, LIVER!!

Here's where I'll be drinking:


Here's WHAT I'll be drinking:


(Not pictured: a bucket of Jameson's.)

And here are the fine Irish lasses who will accompany me:


If I could only get them to quit that damn singing all the time.


Toasts and jokes:

Q. How does a newspaper account of an Irish social event begin?
A. "Among the injured were..."

May the road rise to meet you; may the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

Q. What are the names of the gay Irish couple?
A. Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.

Here's to you, as good as you are. And here's to me, as bad as I am. But as good as you are, and as bad as I am, I'm as good as you are, as bad as I am.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

May those who love us love us. And those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. And if He doesn’t turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we’ll know them by their limping.

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

Q. Why did God invent whiskey?
A. So the Irish would never rule the world.


And don't forget to indulge in St. Patrick's Day's grandest tradition:


HAVE YOU SPANKED YOUR IRISH WOMAN TODAY?

TV: Potpourri

I was just about to get all snippy, and claim that 1 Vs. 100 got a question wrong on last week's show (which I just watched today), but... then I decided to do some research.

The question was (I'm paraphrasing), "In Major League Baseball, which base can not be stolen by a player?" The choices were A. first base, B. third base, or C. home plate. The correct answer, as given on the show, was A.

BUT! I knew that wasn't true. Because a player can steal first base. If a third strike is called, but the catcher drops the ball, the player can then attempt to steal first base. Wrong, 1 Vs. 100!

Then, like I said, I decided to do some research. Turns out, officially, that play would be scored as a strikeout plus a passed ball. Not a stolen base.

Whoops. Sorry, 1 Vs. 100. I still love you!

---

Remember the other day when we were talking about swear words on TV? (Pretend you do.) In the comments, Greg mentioned how when somebody says "asshole" on TV, the "hole" is bleeped, but the "ass" is not. Which led us to surmise that "hole" was the dirty part of the word. Well, that was confirmed for me tonight. I was watching a stand-up special from Megan Mooney on Comedy Central (one of a slew of Irish comedians in prep for St. Paddy's Day; she, Paul F. Tompkins, and Kyle Dunnigan were all hilarious, but Ardal O'Hanlon actually just made a joke about how much women like to shop for shoes, so that kind of ruined it for him right there), and at one point, she said the word "a-hole." And they still bleeped "hole." She didn't even say "ass." She literally just said "a." "A-hole." And "hole" was bleeped!! Wow. Now I'm waiting to see what happens if someone says "manhole."

---

Veronica Mars is cancelled! Or maybe not! Yesterday, E! Online, and, following their lead, TV Squad, both reported that Veronica had been cancelled. Then they changed their minds a short while later. Right now, they're saying not cancelled, but not looking good. Apparently, there's a retooling of the show being floated around, which might help the show get renewed, but would change the show almost completely. The options, according to these dubious internet news sources, are now as follows:

1) The show comes back for a fourth season, but it jumps forward four years, to when Veronica has become an FBI agent (or is in training at the FBI Academy), which would mean pretty much the entire current supporting cast is jettisoned.
2) The show continues with Veronica at Hearst College.
3) The show is cancelled.

I'd be disappointed, but not surprised, if they went with option 3. But at least the show has had a fair run. Much like Arrested Development, if you give the audience three years of quality programming, and they still decide they'd rather watch competitive hot dog eating, well, they ain't never gonna tune in. It's kind of hard to justify a fourth year to even the most patient of network executives.

---

And, hey, nice responses on my List of the Week. It took a surprisingly long time for me to finish, and is bigger, I think, than any entry I've ever posted here before. So -- keep those comments coming!

List of the Week: The Definitive 200

You know, for a while there, I thought I was actually going to manage to make my List of the Week posts a real, weekly recurring feature. That lasted all of two weeks. Which is pretty good, really, for my track record of half-assery.

I don't know why I didn't follow through on this. Lists are easy. You just copy something from somewhere else, make some snide comments, the end. With that in mind -- it's the revival of the List of the Week!

As with my first one, this is cribbed from the AV Club. They pointed me toward the Definitive 200, which is a list of albums "every music lover should own," as complied by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the National Association of Record Merchandisers. In case that's not clear enough: Record Merchandisers = retailers.

At long last! Rather than those lists compiled by critics, or artists, or music magazines, we get a list compiled by the people who really know what good music is all about -- the retailers! Who better to trust to tell you which music is worth purchasing than the people behind the big chain outlets who still think $18.99 is a reasonable price for a CD?

Unsurprisingly, the list is full of just the most appalling shit. It's dominated by dreck that went platinum over the past decade and a half, as opposed to albums that are actually good. This list is made by retailers picking already popular albums in an attempt to sell more by putting a "Definitive 200" sticker on the cover, rather than appreciators of music offering up more obscure, but higher quality, albums (if you want to call, say, Velvet Underground "obscure"). There are some gems on the list; I imagine it would be fairly difficult to completely exclude quality. But some of these hurt my brain.

As always, the albums in boldface are the ones I actually own (or, in some cases, used to own, before I had to sell back my gigantic CD collection in order to, you know, eat, on the day I call Black Tuesday*).

1. THE BEATLES – SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND
Of course. I think it's against the law not to have this album at #1. Not just on lists of albums. On any list.

My favorite fruits:
1) Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
2) Apples.
3) Bananas.

2. PINK FLOYD – DARK SIDE OF THE MOON
Surprisingly high on the list. Perhaps in deference to its record-setting 741 weeks on the Billboard 200.
3. MICHAEL JACKSON – THRILLER
Never owned it on CD, but I used to have the cassette. That's right, I'm old. Hey, at least it wasn't 8-track.
4. LED ZEPPELIN – LED ZEPPELIN IV
I've grown sick of Led Zeppelin over the years, to the point where I don't own any of their albums anymore (though I used to own this one), and I change the radio whenever one of their songs comes on. Except... "Stairway To Heaven." Yeah, I know. Lame. But what can I say? It's a bitchin' song.
5. U2 – JOSHUA TREE
Never been a huge fan of U2, but I'm pretty sure I owned this album at some point. It may have spontaneously generated amongst my CD collection.
6. THE ROLLING STONES – EXILE ON MAIN STREET
One of their most critically acclaimed albums (which is why I'm surprised to see it here; maybe it's because it's a double album, which counts double in sales), but I've never cared for it much. Sounds sloppy and fuzzy to me, rather than raw or powerful or whatever the critics want to call it.
7. CAROLE KING – TAPESTRY
Beautiful album.
8. BOB DYLAN – HIGHWAY '61 REVISITED
I've never owned anything by Bob Dylan. I really should, I guess, but... eh. Can't be bothered.
9. THE BEACH BOYS – PET SOUNDS
I believe I used to own this, but now I'm not sure. I do know I'm not a big fan. Like Exile, another huge, huge critical favorite that leaves me cold.
10. NIRVANA – NEVERMIND
Dude, I was in college in '91. (Go Cal!) Of course I owned this album. And about a dozen flannel shirts. (Though I actually owned most of them before grunge. I just liked that they were cheap and comfy.)
11. PEARL JAM – TEN
And here we get to the first album that I can genuinely say shouldn't be so high -- maybe shouldn't even be ranked. This also came out in '91, and was ubiquitous on campus -- and everywhere else, for that matter. But even though at one point I owned it (I felt like I was required to own it), I never liked it. I think this band is vastly overrated in every way. You know the only song of theirs I ever liked? "Jeremy." Yep, it's the "Stairway To Heaven" effect all over again.
12. THE BEATLES – ABBEY ROAD
Sure. Great stuff.
13. SANTANA – SUPERNATURAL
Oh, come on. Really? It was okay, and had that one Rob Thomas song that you couldn't avoid (and I tried), but -- you're calling it the 13th best album ever? Wrong.
14. METALLICA – METALLICA
I'm a big fan of this album, but even I think this is way too high on the list. Though I don't disagree it should be on a list of the top 200 albums, somewhere.
15. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN – BORN TO RUN
Now here's an album that should be even higher. I think this is sheer rock genius, and "Born To Run," the song, is one of the best three rock songs ever made.
16. PRINCE – PURPLE RAIN
Never owned it, but I do appreciate its greatness.
17. AC/DC – BACK IN BLACK
Ah, hell yeah. Great stuff. This is one of those albums that everybody owns, but it's still surprising to know (according to Wikipedia) it's the fifth best-selling album in the U.S., and the second best-selling album in the world.
18. THE ROLLING STONES – LET IT BLEED
My personal favorite Stones album, with my favorite Stones song, "Gimme Shelter."
19. THE DOORS – THE DOORS
I went through a huge Doors phase in late high school and college. Don't listen to them much anymore, but I still don't mind seeing this album here.
20. GRATEFUL DEAD – AMERICAN BEAUTY
Never been a fan, but I won't object.
21. SHANIA TWAIN – COME ON OVER
This, on the other hand, is ridiculous. It sold, like, 20 million copies in the U.S., which is obviously why it's here. But it's hardly an enduring piece of art; it's fluff, whose time has passed. Is anyone even a Shania fan anymore? Come to think of it, where is Shania? I haven't heard anything about her in years.
22. THE WHO – WHO'S NEXT
Insult to injury. Shania places above this? As you probably know by now, I consider this not just the greatest rock album of all time, but the greatest anything, ever. Still, I should be happy it made the list at all.
23. STEVIE WONDER – SONGS IN THE KEY OF LIFE
Another actually great album. That's nice.
24. FLEETWOOD MAC – RUMOURS
And another one.
25. PINK FLOYD – WALL
And another one!
26. ALANIS MORISSETTE – JAGGED LITTLE PILL
And the streak is broken. Well... maybe. I can kind of understand the latter-day backlash against Alanis, and this album (which used to be the best-selling album by a female artist ever... before Shania's Come On Over). This is one of the albums Keith Phipps of the A.V. Club singles out as especially wrong on this list. And I agree with him insofar as only a damned fool would say it's a better album than Kind of Blue (see below). It shouldn't be ranked this high. But I still think it's a damn fine rock album, groundbreaking to a certain extent, full of raw emotion and catchy hooks, and I think it deserves a place on this list -- a lower place, but still. In short, to answer Keith's question, "does it hold up at all?" I say: yes. Even if you're one of those people who has to object to every line in "Ironic" with, "That's not what irony is!", it's still a terrifically entertaining listen.
27. NORAH JONES – COME AWAY WITH ME
No. Way overrated.
28. EMINEM – MARSHALL MATHERS LP
Here comes a mini-run of rap albums. I've never owned an Eminem album, and I'm not especially well-versed in rap. I don't doubt Eminem should be somewhere on this list. But as to whether he should be ranked this high, well... I know enough about rap to answer that. Let's just take a look at the next three albums, and ask whether this one is better than them.
29. OUTKAST – SPEAKERBOXX-LOVE BELOW
Probably not.
30. DR. DRE – THE CHRONIC
Fuck no.
31. BEASTIE BOYS – LICENSED TO ILL
No fucking way. I'm not going to mount a huge defense of Outkast, but as for whether Dr. Dre's or the Beastie Boys' landmark albums are better than anything by Eminem -- there's no question in my mind. [EDIT: Paul's Boutique might even be the better choice for the Beasties.] And WHERE THE HELL IS PUBLIC ENEMY??
32. GUNS 'N ROSES –APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION
Hell, yes. This holds up amazingly well, two full decades later. And I'm not just saying that because I listened to the full album pretty much every night of my Freshman year in college.
33. DIXIE CHICKS – WIDE OPEN SPACES
Can't really speak to this one. I'm inclined to like the Dixie Chicks in theory, but I've never heard a full album.
34. MILES DAVIS – KIND OF BLUE
The best-selling jazz album of all time, and arguably the best jazz album ever made. I would probably be one of those arguing: I'd rank John Coltrane's best above Miles's. But there's no way I would deny this is capital-A Art on the level of the Sistine Chapel from beginning to end.
35. THE EAGLES – HOTEL CALIFORNIA
I own this on record. (Though not an original; I bought a used copy for a couple bucks a few years back.) Damn good stuff.
36. DEF LEPPARD – HYSTERIA
This is just stupid. Are the people making this list retailers, or strip club DJs? If the latter, then yes, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is one of the greatest songs ever. If anything but the latter: no, and stop being stupid.
37. SOUNDTRACK – GREASE
For this one, just imagine me like a comic strip character with a big "?" hovering in a word balloon above my head. What an odd, odd choice. If the retailers are going soundtrack whoring, shouldn't they have gone with The Bodyguard or Saturday Night Fever instead?
38. MARVIN GAYE – WHAT'S GOING ON
This one always winds up really high on these kinds of lists. I've never heard more than a couple songs from it. I should get this.
39. THE BEATLES – THE WHITE ALBUM
My favorite Beatles album. I will say this for this list: at least it doesn't cram every Beatles album in the top 20. That said: this should be higher.
40. SOUNDTRACK – SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER
Ah, here it is. I own this one on record, too, and would definitely rank it above Grease. "Stayin' Alive" vs. "You're the One That I Want"? No contest! Bee Gees win.
41. JIMI HENDRIX – ARE YOU EXPERIENCED?
Like Led Zeppelin, I've gotten sick of Hendrix over the past few years. Unlike Zeppelin, I'm hoping I will reacquire my taste for Hendrix at some point. Because I know this is one of the best rock albums ever -- but I'm just so burnt out on it, I can't listen to it anymore.
42. THE BEATLES – REVOLVER
Another peak of brilliance from the Beatles.
43. BOSTON – BOSTON
Noel Murray of the A.V. Club seems to question this album's merit. I don't. I once used it as a jumping-off point for a list of what I called Perfect Albums. Which is a slight misnomer: I was talking about radio perfect albums, albums from which every single song became a radio staple. Still: that generally makes for a powerfully great album, and I'd say that's the case here. Rock perfection.
44. BON JOVI – SLIPPERY WHEN WET
I loved this album my Junior year in high school. Though it still has some good songs, I don't think I'd make a strong case for it holding up 20 years later.
45. U2 – ACHTUNG BABY
I said before I've never been a huge U2 fan. Never owned this. I don't even know what's on this album, to make it place so high. Let me look it up... "Mysterious Ways," "One," "Even Better Than the Real Thing"? Eh. I guess.
46. WHITNEY HOUSTON – WHITNEY HOUSTON
I would vote no on this one. That may just be my personal distaste for Whitney clouding my judgment.
47. LED ZEPPELIN – LED ZEPPELIN II
Above Houses of the Holy? I don't think so. Hey, I might not be a fan of them now, but I used to be.
48. DAVE MATTHEWS BAND – CRASH
Never liked this band. Not for a second. They're the equivalent of Hootie and the Blowfish to me. Oh, crap -- Hootie isn't going to be on this list... is it?
49. THE ROLLING STONES – STICKY FINGERS
Never owned it, but I know it's great.
50. GREEN DAY – DOOKIE
Yeah, I was attending Cal Berkeley when these guys were still just a local band playing frat parties. I'm an eternal fan, and I will always defend this album's greatness.
51. LED ZEPPELIN – HOUSES OF THE HOLY
Well, at least it was only four spots lower than II.
52. JONI MITCHELL – BLUE
Yeah. Joni's voice on this album -- especially the song "River" -- is quite possibly the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life.
53. ELVIS PRESLEY – ELVIS AT SUN
I've never owned any Elvis (other than records I've swiped from my mom's collection, which I don't really listen to), but I'd still call myself a fan. And yet I have no idea what this album is, and I can't be troubled to look it up. I'll just give it a free pass.
54. AEROSMITH – TOYS IN THE ATTIC
Good choice, as far as Aerosmith albums go, but still a little weird, as far as the alleged "200 greatest albums ever" go.
55. LAURYN HILL – THE MISEDUCATION OF LAURYN HILL
I've always thought Hill was astronomically overrated, and this album's inexplicable critical and popular acclaim, including its five Grammy wins, to be a bizarre hiccup in pop culture history. This is not a good album.
56. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN – BORN IN THE U.S.A.
More greatness from Springsteen. Could be higher.
57. 50 CENT – GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN'
Not familiar with it. You tell me: too high on the list?
58. AC/DC – HIGHWAY TO HELL
I love seeing this here. Highway To Hell and Back in Black -- released before and after Bon Scott's death -- make for an epic one-two heavy metal haymaker.
59. NOTORIOUS B.I.G. – LIFE AFTER DEATH
Never liked this guy. And seriously, with all this rap: still no Public Enemy? That is BULLSHIT.
60. VAN HALEN – VAN HALEN
I might rank 1984 a little higher, but this is certainly a tremendous album. They had it going on, right out of the box.
61. GREEN DAY – AMERICAN IDIOT
YEAH! My favorite album of the new millennium. I love seeing this here, even on a retailers' list skewed toward the recently popular.
62. BLACK SABBATH – PARANOID
Going beyond the recently popular. Landmark heavy metal.
63. EMINEM – THE EMINEM SHOW
See my comments above. And still: WHERE'S THE P.E., FOOLS??
64. JEWEL – PIECES OF YOU
Ick. Is this the top 200 albums for hold music?
65. COLDPLAY – A RUSH OF BLOOD TO THE HEAD
My current pet peeve band in re: vastly overrated.
66. MEATLOAF – BAT OUT OF HELL
Another one I own on vinyl. Dude, this has got Phil Rizzuto on guest vocal. You can't top that.
67. USHER – CONFESSIONS
I'm clueless on this one, but I suspect it shouldn't be here.
68. KID ROCK – DEVIL WITHOUT A CAUSE
A big sensation at the time, but I don't think it holds up well at all.
69. GEORGE HARRISON – ALL THINGS MUST PASS
I don't know why I've never bought this. Great music.
70. BILLY JOEL – THE STRANGER
I wouldn't have expected to see this here, but I fully support it. I'm a big Billy Joel fan, and screw you if you don't like it! This is probably his very best, so: nice pick.
71. EAGLES – HELL FREEZES OVER
This is just a load of crap. The new material is awful, and they ruin the old classics (every time I hear the defanged acoustic version of "Hotel California," I die a little inside).
72. VAN MORRISON – MOONDANCE
My favorite Van Morrison. Bonus personal anecdote: on the night I took my last final at Cal, I got ragingly drunk, climbed up the podium at the base of the campus flagpole, and serenaded all passing women at the top of my voice with "Moondance." I do not regret it.
73. R.E.M. – AUTOMATIC FOR THE PEOPLE
The A.V. Club's Steve Hyden recently posted a blog entry questioning R.E.M.'s legacy. Many commenters (including me) responded in a most negative fashion. I've never been a huge R.E.M. fan, but I certainly think they've had an incredibly significant impact on popular music. And, though I'm glad to see them here, I would rate Out of Time way higher than this album.
74. PHIL COLLINS – NO JACKET REQUIRED
Used to own this on cassette. Used to be a big fan. Neither is true anymore.
75. METALLICA – MASTER OF PUPPETS
Another landmark heavy metal album. Wow, heavy metal is making a good showing on this list. I like it.
76. FAITH HILL – BREATHE
Eh. She's got a nice voice, but her music leaves me cold. And after seeing her on YouTube, reacting with unconcealed fury when she loses a Country Music Award to Carrie Underwood, I just dislike her personally. Seriously, she seems like she would just be awful.
77. JOHNNY CASH – AT FOLSOM PRISON
OH YEAH. This is outrageously great. Is this the first country album on this list? Sorry, I mean -- is this the first real country album on this list? Answer: yes.
78. JOHN COLTRANE – A LOVE SUPREME
Awesome to see this here. Should be a lot higher, I'd say. And yes, this is what I would suggest as the best jazz album ever, over Kind of Blue. Not that you can lose either way. In fact, if you don't own both these albums, go out and buy them and listen to them both in full before continuing. GO RIGHT NOW!!
79. PINK FLOYD – WISH YOU WERE HERE
Another fine choice. Love this album.
80. MICHAEL JACKSON – OFF THE WALL
Is there really that much material on this album that makes it deserving of placing so high?
81. MARVIN GAYE – LET'S GET IT ON
Another album I suspect I need to hear in full, though I doubt it measures up to What's Going On.
82. BOB SEGER – NIGHT MOVES
Man, I like Bob Seger, but when I think of all the fantastic rock albums out there not on this list, this just makes me cringe.
83. PAUL SIMON – GRACELAND
Possibly this is deserving of being on the list. Maybe even this high. Haven't listened to it in about a decade, which says something about its longevity.
84. LINKIN PARK – HYBRID THEORY
No, I don't think so.
85. PRINCE – 1999
If I were going to own any Prince album... it would be Purple Rain. But this would be next. I think I like Prince's old music more now than I did at the time. That's staying power.
86. DEF LEPPARD – PYROMANIA
I like Def Leppard, and I like this album better than Hysteria, but it's still ridiculous. Two Def Leppard albums in the top 86, but no Neil Young? No Janis Joplin? No Clash? No Ramones? No... I could go on, but you get the point. This list is insane.
87. JANET JACKSON – CONTROL
Ugh. I don't know, does this hold up, for people who are predisposed to liking it? I couldn't stand it then, and I can't stand it now.
88. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS – BLOOD SUGAR SEX MAGIK
Loved this album. Could be even higher.
89. DIRE STRAITS – BROTHERS IN ARMS
Yeah, all right, I can see this being up here.
90. TUPAC – ALL EYEZ ON ME
Never liked Tupac. And still no... well, you know.
91. MATCHBOX TWENTY – YOURSELF OR SOMEONE LIKE YOU
EVERYONE WHO MADE THIS LIST MUST SHOOT THEMSELVES IN THE HEAD RIGHT NOW.
92. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS – CALIFORNICATION
Surprisingly close to their previous entry on the list. This should be much lower than Blood Sugar Sex Magik.
93. LED ZEPPELIN – PHYSICAL GRAFFITI
I owned a lot of Zeppelin, but I'm pretty sure I never owned this one. [EDIT: Yes I do -- on vinyl.] Even though "Kashmir" is my second favorite of their songs.
94. NELLY – COUNTRY GRAMMAR
More rap I'm not familiar with. And we've gotten low enough on the list now that I can begin demanding not only where is the Public Enemy, but also: where is the N.W.A.? Where is the Snoop Dogg? COME ON!!
95. CREED – HUMAN CLAY
EVERYONE WHO MADE THIS LIST MUST NOW SET THEMSELVES ON FIRE. AND THEN SHOOT THEMSELVES IN THE HEAD AGAIN.
96. THE CLASH – LONDON CALLING
Slightly lower on the list than it should be. By about ninety places. Criminy. Look at what these people judge to be only one slot lower than this album. Go on, look.
97. CELINE DION – FALLING INTO YOU
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MINDS?!?
98. NEIL YOUNG – HARVEST
FINALLY. Some respect for Neil. Barely breaking the top 100, which is criminal. And he's sandwiched between two monstrosities.
99. SOUNDTRACK – DIRTY DANCING
Man, we're not even to the second half of the list, and this is sapping the will out of me. Dirty Dancing? Are you high? And living in 1987?
100. DIXIE CHICKS – HOME
I gave the Chicks a pass on their first album, but two? I have to call shenanigans on that.
101. TOM PETTY – FULL MOON FEVER
I'd put this in my personal top ten. I think it's pathetic that it doesn't crack the top 100 of this list.
102. VAN HALEN – 1984
I'm all right with this one.
103. SOUNDTRACK – TITANIC
No, no, NO!!! I would gladly sacrifice Aliens and the first two Terminators if only James Cameron had never spawned this abomination and its Celine Dion music.
104. CROSBY, STILLS, NASH & YOUNG – DÉJÀ VU
Nice choice. Let's pause here and take a breather. Ahhhhhh. That was pleasant. Okay, let's move on. [EDIT: Just noticed the list improperly credited this album to Crosby, Stills & Nash, rather than Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. Fixed now.]
105. TLC – CRAZYSEXYCOOL
I won't object to this one, but it's not something I would listen to.
106. BECK – ODELAY
I've never owned any Beck, but I still think this should probably place higher.
107. KENNY G – BREATHLESS
YOU ARE ALL SATAN'S SPAWN, AND YOU SHALL BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY FOR THIS BLASPHEMY.
108. N.W.A. – STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON
Crazy muthafucka named Ice Cube. About time we see a little more of the foundations of rap represented. But I seriously am going to FLIP OUT if we don't get to some Public Enemy soon.
109. SEX PISTOLS – NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS
I've never owned it, but again, I don't deny its relevance. In fact, I'd say place it much higher.
110. THE BEATLES – RUBBER SOUL
Brilliant album. I'd place this one higher, too.
111. RADIOHEAD – O.K. COMPUTER
GAWD, I hate Radiohead. So boring. They were the first item on one of my earliest and most commented-on posts on this blog, "I Don't Get It," a list of inexplicably popular garbage. Radiohead is BORING. Why does anyone listen to them? Are you trying to self-induce comas?
112. SIMON & GARFUNKEL – BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER
Kind of funny I would follow up a "boring" rant with praise for this album, which many of you younger folks (and some of you older ones) may claim is from an incredibly bland and boring group. But this is transcendently gorgeous music (and should be ranked above Paul's solo Graceland effort).
113. DIXIE CHICKS – FLY
I called shenanigans on their second entry. Now I just call bullshit.
114. METALLICA – AND JUSTICE FOR ALL
Like Dixie Chicks, this is Metallica's third entry. But I have no doubts about the importance of any of these three albums. This is awesome rock.
115. MICHAEL JACKSON – DANGEROUS
Well... I don't know. Maybe. It had some good stuff. And it was the last hurrah of sane Michael Jackson, so... okay. [EDIT: For some reason, I was thinking of Bad, which is the album that should probably be here rather than Dangerous.]
116. MARIAH CAREY – DAYDREAM
Maybe this has reason to be here, but I've never seen merit in any of her music.
117. SOUNDTRACK – TOP GUN
These soundtracks have to stop. Though I'd gladly take this over Dirty Dancing. Or Titanic.
118. ELTON JOHN – GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
Oh, wow. This should be about a hundred spots higher on the list. I love this album.
119. THE POLICE – SYNCHRONICITY
Another shocker. Has Sting done this much damage with his solo career to the Police's reputation? This was the pinnacle album from a groundbreaking band, and it should be much, much higher.
120. NO DOUBT – TRAGIC KINGDOM
I said of Metallica above, "I have no doubts..." and I suddenly wondered when we were going to see this album. Didn't take long. I loved early No Doubt, and this album, and I can't fault its placement here, though maybe a bit above where it should be.
121. THE ROLLING STONES – BEGGAR'S BANQUET
Yeah, this is damn fine.
122. R. KELLY – R.
I don't know about this. Isn't this guy basically a child molester? I'm gonna call a "no child molesting" rule right now, and disqualify any R. Kelly albums. Also Gary Glitter, if he's on here.
123. TOOL – LATERALUS
I'd put Aenima in its place, but it's very interesting to see any Tool album.
124. OASIS – WHAT'S THE STORY MORNING GLORY
Remember when these guys use to say they were bigger than the Beatles? Remember when they used to... anything? What happened to these idiots? Are they still around? Ah, who cares. Decent album; wouldn't include it here, though.
125. BOB MARLEY – EXODUS
Not a fan of reggae in general, but there's no way I'm going to speak out against including Bob Marley.
126. JOURNEY – ESCAPE
Oh man. Half of me is totally psyched to see this on the list; half of me is mortified. This album was so of its time... but in that time, it rocked. I'm sure I wouldn't have included this album, but I'm not offended that it is.
127. CHRISTINA AGUILERA – CHRISTINA AGUILERA
No, I don't think so, though if you want to strip and dance for me a little more, in a video or GQ or wherever, to try and convince me, Christina, I won't object.
128. JAY-Z – BLUEPRINT
More new rap that I'm not familiar with. How do they keep overlooking the rap from fifteen or twenty years ago which paved the way for all this new stuff?
129. ALICIA KEYS – DIARY OF ALICIA KEYS
No. I feel the same about her as I do Lauryn Hill.
130. SOUNDTRACK – O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?
Finally, a soundtrack I can wholeheartedly endorse. One of the best soundtracks ever. I'm not going to denigrate Saturday Night Fever, but I'd easily rank it above any other soundtrack, at the very least.
131. THE CARS – THE CARS
Don't have this album, but I like the Cars, so okay.
132. ENYA – A DAY WITHOUT RAIN
"Oh wait, is she in a coma?" -- Jack Black, High Fidelity. Or me, to anyone professing to like Enya.
133. NATALIE COLE – UNFORGETTABLE: WITH LOVE
Other than that creepy, grave-robbing duet with her million-times more talented father, is there anything worthy about this album?
134. SOUNDTRACK – FOOTLOOSE
Enough with the soundtracks! This is over the saturation point.
135. LIONEL RICHIE – CAN'T SLOW DOWN
Has not aged well. Or at all. I don't think this album actually exists outside of 1983.
136. SARAH McLACHLAN – SURFACING
More hold music.
137. BONNIE RAITT – NICK OF TIME
I like Raitt just fine, but I don't think I'd include this on a top 200.
138. METALLICA – RIDE THE LIGHTNING
Four albums is fucking pushing it. Bump this one.
139. SHERYL CROW – TUESDAY NIGHT MUSIC CLUB
Decent enough. I won't object.
140. FRANK SINATRA – IN THE WEE SMALL HOURS
Any Sinatra is welcome, and this is one of his best full albums. (I only own compilations by Ol' Blue Eyes.)
141. EARTH, WIND & FIRE – GRATITUDE
Don't know it, but probably it belongs.
142. ZZ TOP – ELIMINATOR
The first album I ever owned, on cassette. I'm glad to see it here. Bought it the same day as "Weird Al" Yankovic, In 3-D. I wonder if that album's on the list.
143. WILLIE NELSON – RED HEADED STRANGER
Good to see more real country.
144. JOHN LENNON – IMAGINE
One of the best songs ever, which automatically makes the album worth including.
145. TONI BRAXTON – TONI BRAXTON
My vote is no.
146. ETTA JAMES – AT LAST
I'm about as familiar with this album as with the previous Toni Braxton album, and yet my vote here would be yes.
147. ELVIS PRESLEY – ELVIS PRESLEY
Sure, why not?
148. CAT STEVENS – TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN
One of the loveliest albums I own.
149. SMASHING PUMPKINS – MELLON COLLIE & THE INFINITE SADNESS
I might rank this a bit higher. Very rarely do double albums hold up from beginning to end; this one falters a bit, but mostly stands complete as a testament to this band's importance in alternative rock.
150. DAVE BRUBECK – TIME OUT
A shocking omission in my (admittedly meager) jazz library. This is the first entry on this list that really makes me feel like I've made a mistake in my collection that I need to correct.
151. JANET JACKSON – JANET
Two albums from her is at least one too many.
152. QUEEN – A NIGHT AT THE OPERA
Never owned any Queen but the Greatest Hits, but I have to admire the Marx Bros. shout-out. Another album I should own.
153. OZZY OSBOURNE – BLIZZARD OF OZZ
More classic heavy metal, one of my favorites.
154. WILL SMITH – BIG WILLIE STYLE
Look two slots down on the list. Then come back here and agree with me when I say: this album, and those who voted for it, can eat shit and die.
155. PRINCE – SIGN O THE TIMES
This third album might be pushing it.
156. PUBLIC ENEMY – IT TAKES A NATION OF MILLIONS TO HOLD US BACK
AT LONG LAST! The greatest, most influential rap album of all time. And it's only at #156 on the list, after (if I'm counting correctly) fifteen other rap albums. Including the timeless genius of Big Willie Style. Holy crap, this is a glaring error. This should be top 20, minimum. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
157. BOB DYLAN – BLOOD ON THE TRACKS
Again, I don't own any Dylan, but I can't say this shouldn't be here.
158. GEORGE MICHAEL – FAITH
I will say this shouldn't be here.
159. BOYZ II MEN – COOLEYHIGHHARMONY
Ugh. I can't believe people liked this group then, let alone now.
160. DESTINY'S CHILD – THE WRITING'S ON THE WALL
Not a fan. Delete this.
161. JAY-Z – THE BLACK ALBUM
I like the couple tracks I've heard from The Gray Album, the Danger Mouse mash-up of this and the Beatles' White Album. As for the original Jay-Z album: never heard it, so no opinion.
162. AVRIL LAVIGNE – LET GO
No. I actually don't hate her, as you might suspect, but this is wrong.
163. THE FUGEES – THE SCORE
See Lauryn Hill, above.
164. MADONNA – LIKE A VIRGIN
Not my cup of tea, but I can understand its inclusion.
165. LED ZEPPELIN – LED ZEPPELIN
Okay, this is over the line, even for the overrated Zeppelin. Five albums? No way.
166. STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN – TEXAS FLOOD
Never been a fan of the blues, frankly. But I can appreciate this entry.
167. STONE TEMPLE PILOTS – CORE
I love this band. I'd take them over Pearl Jam in a second. Would I rank them as high as Pearl Jam's Ten? No. I don't know that I'd rank them at all. But I don't mind seeing them.
168. ORIGINAL CAST – PHANTOM OF THE OPERA HIGHLIGHTS
Just quit it, with the soundtracks.
169. JETHRO TULL – AQUALUNG
I'd put this much higher. Epic album.
170. TUPAC – ME AGAINST THE WORLD
Nope. Two albums is over the limit for this dude.
171. DAVID BOWIE – RISE AND FALL OF ZIGGY STARDUST
Never owned it, but I know it deserves better placement than this.
172. SHAKIRA – LAUNDRY SERVICE
Now you're just fucking with me. Seriously? Shakira? Why not Ricky Martin? Oh, shit, Ricky Martin isn't on this list, is he?
173. SOUNDTRACK – FORREST GUMP
This is awful. There's not even anything original on this soundtrack, is there? It's all period rock music apropos to the eras reflected in the film. This is a lame-ass cop-out of a choice.
174. AL GREEN – CALL ME
I don't know. Is this deserving?
175. CURTIS MAYFIELD – SUPERFLY
Okay, I dig this. I'll accept this.
176. LIVE – THROWING COPPER
Absolutely not.
177. GEORGE BENSON – BREEZIN'
No familiarity with this at all.
178. THE WHITE STRIPES – WHITE BLOOD CELLS
Don't own any White Stripes. I think this could be excluded with no harm.
179. LYNYRD SKYNYRD – PRONOUNCED LEH-NERD SKIN-NERD
Does this have "Free Bird"? All right, it can stay, but barely.
180. SADE – DIAMOND LIFE
No.
181. FLEETWOOD MAC – FLEETWOOD MAC
Nope. You get Rumours, Fleetwood Mac, and that's it. Deal with it.
182. PAUL McCARTNEY & WINGS – BAND ON THE RUN
Maybe, but it seems weird they're dipping into Wings before the Beatles library is exhausted.
183. BEYONCE – DANGEROUSLY IN LOVE
Hell no. I am so sick of this dame.
184. ANITA BAKER – RAPTURE
No opinion.
185. NAS – ILLMATIC
Hilariously, this list had this album's name as IIIMATIC before I fixed it. Guess they couldn't tell the difference between capital I's and non-capital L's. Another rap album I know nothing about.
186. BARBRA STREISAND – A STAR IS BORN
Wow, this is stretching. This one just baffles me.
187. EARTH, WIND & FIRE – THAT'S THE WAY OF THE WORLD
Nope, won't allow two albums from this group.
188. ANITA BAKER – RHYTHM OF LOVE
You just HAD an album listed. No seconds for you.
189. JAY-Z – IN MY LIFETIME VOL 1
I am sick of seeing this guy's name. Three albums is more than enough.
190. LL COOL J – MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT
I almost want to embrace this album, just for the fact that it's old school rap. But I never liked it. How about some Run-D.M.C. instead?
191. STEELY DAN – AJA
Never liked Steely Dan. [EDIT: Though it turns out I do still have my sister's copy of it on vinyl.]
192. WILLIE NELSON – STARDUST
I think two Willie albums is too much. Especially when there's no Patsy Cline, or Hank Williams, or Loretta Lynn. Or Hoyt Axton (though that's admittedly a personal bias).
193. ARETHA FRANKLIN – SPARKLE
This seems like an odd pick for Aretha. For which reason I'm going to say it shouldn't be here. So there!
194. ANDREA BOCELLI – ANDREA
Just because Oprah likes you doesn't mean we all have to.
195. BOB DYLAN – BRINGING IT ALL BACK HOME
One too many Bob Dylan albums for me to accept.
196. LUTHER VANDROSS – NEVER TOO MUCH
Nope.
197. U2 – ALL THAT YOU CAN'T LEAVE BEHIND
Again, this is pushing it. Why so many goddam repeats on a list so relatively short?
198. RUSH – 2112
No, no, no. Moving Pictures, dude. Wrong pick, here.
199. OUTKAST – AQUEMINI
Nope, you already got a double album on the list.
200. GRAND FUNK RAILROAD – WE'RE AN AMERICAN BAND
This is a joke, right? Why not the Strawberry Alarm Clock? Or Moby Grape? All right, honestly, I don't mind Grand Funk. But top 200 albums? Get real.

The biggest problem with the list is obviously weighing it so heavily in favor of the too-recent and/or the already-popular (as well as the undeservedly popular). But the second-biggest flaw, in my eyes, is the repetition of certain artists over and over again.

I know this is a gigantic entry, and may have lost most of you before the end. But those of you who made it here: what am I being too harsh on? Or not harsh enough? And which unlisted albums are the most egregious oversights? Comment away!

---

*Might've been a Wednesday.

Just a reminder

Hey, you know who's funny?

Not Carlos Mencia.

Unbelievably, Mind of Mencia is coming back for a third season next month. Watching that show is akin to watching the abomination that shall not be named. #1, it makes you a bad person, and #2, it automatically removes all validity to your opinions on television. If you like Mind of Mencia, quite simply, you are wrong, and you should be ashamed.

Here, let me phrase that in a Carlos Mencia routine:

"Carlos Mencia makes Carrot Top look like Lenny Bruce. THAT'S RIGHT!! I SAID IT!! I DON'T CARE!! LOOK AT THE WHITE DUDE IN THE FRONT ROW!! HE'S LIKE, 'WHAT?!?' I'M OUTRAGEOUS AND DANGEROUS!!! Also: beaner."

TV: The Riches

FX has a pretty good track record with their original series. I still lament the cancellation of their first original sitcom, Lucky, which was fantastic. As was their prematurely ended war drama, Over There. As far as shows still airing go, they've got The Shield, one of the best dramas on TV, and they've got It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, one of the best sitcoms on TV. They've got Rescue Me and Nip/Tuck -- neither of which I watch, I admit, but I at least know that they're well-made. They've got a track record with original series rivalled only by HBO, which makes every new FX program worth checking out. Which brings us to The Riches, the new series starring Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver.

As I often have been with FX shows, I was a little bit surprised with what I got when I watched the pilot episode of The Riches. The show is about a family of Irish gypsies, or "Travellers," who make their living as con artists and thieves. The head of the family, Wayne Malloy (Izzard), is sick of the camp life they live, and of being controlled by the leader of their little Traveller clan, and he wants a bit more out of life. And when his wife, Dahlia (Driver), is released from prison after two years, Wayne tries to get that better life by stealing the clan's money and fleeing. When a subsequent car accident kills a rich couple who have just bought a house in a wealthy community, Wayne decides the Malloys are going to assume the identities of the dead couple, and move into their luxurious home. It's the American Dream, Wayne says, and they're going to steal it!

What surprised me was how little humor there was in the show. The promos from FX had led me to believe it would be falling squarely on the comedy side of dramedy, as did the premise -- gypsies steal a mansion! Culture clash hilarity ensues! -- and the casting, primarily that of Izzard, who is still known more for his stand-up comedy than his acting. But the pilot episode was exceedingly dark, with only a few light moments scattered here and there. I was expecting more of Wayne playing golf with his new smarmy bastard of a neighbor, Hugh (Gregg Henry, Gilmore Girls' Mitch Huntzberger), but instead it was weighted more along the lines of Dahlia struggling with the heroin addiction she picked up in prison, or dwelling on the horrible deaths of the rich couple (including the husband impaled on a tree branch).

But once I adjusted my expectations, I found myself enjoying the show a great deal. Izzard and Driver are great in the lead roles (though Driver is far better at her American accent than Izzard); Izzard is an intelligent, effortless charmer, and I've always loved Driver (though, frankly, she's looked better than she does here, say, passed out and covered with cough syrup -- another addiction). And, now that moving into the new house has been established in the pilot, I expect the show will settle into a rhythm it didn't quite find with all the roaming about in this episode. I'm keen to see how the Malloys (or, as they are now known, the Riches) will integrate into high society (or any kind of settled society), and to see how the fallout from Wayne's theft of the Travellers' camp will reach them.

The Riches isn't a complete success right out of the box, but it has two strong leads and a premise with a lot of potential, and is well worth watching.

MOVIES: The Prestige

Some quick, extremely spoiler-filled thoughts on The Prestige, aimed at those who have seen the movie.

Seriously, BIG SPOILERS.

So... am I missing something? This was supposed to have one of those super-duper surprise trick endings. Then we get to the end, and... Fallon is actually Alfred Borden's twin brother? That's it?

Well, DUH. Who didn't figure that out? If you didn't look at Fallon the very first time he appeared on screen and say, "Oh, hey, it's Christian Bale in disguise," well... as the magicians in the film often say, you must have wanted to be tricked. Because it couldn't be more obvious.

Even the casting is a dead giveaway to what's being pulled off here, if you know your film history. Michael Caine, who plays Cutter in The Prestige, was part of a similar bit of trickery in 1972's Sleuth. In that film (more spoilers!), Caine's character appears to be murdered, but the Inspector who investigates the murder turns out to be Caine's character in a fairly obvious (again, to me, anyway) disguise. Sleuth is actually a landmark in this kind of filmic trickery; fake names are used in the opening credits to disguise the fact that the only actors in the entire film are Caine and Laurence Olivier.

I just refuse to believe that this is the big twist everybody was talking about in The Prestige. So, I ask again: am I missing something? It's not the bit about Hugh Jackman's character, Angier, is it? Because, though powerful and affecting, it too was well-telegraphed. From the scene where discussions of doubles used in magic tricks began, it was clear that a double had been involved in Angier's apparent death. And when Tesla's machine was shown to have created duplicates of Angier's hat, as well as the cat, it was clear how doubles had been involved. The scene at the very end, showing the vast storehouse full of drowned Angiers, still worked as a chilling thriller of a moment, but in no way was it unexpected.

Not to me, at least. So, those of you who have seen The Prestige, tell me: did I miss the real surprise? Were you surprised by these things? Am I just really, really good at guessing twist endings? (Before even seeing The Sixth Sense, without hearing any spoilers, I had figured out that Bruce Willis was a ghost, for example. And before seeing Titanic, I knew Leonardo DiCaprio had to die at the end. Oops -- more spoilers!) Because I have been known to miss some twist endings: Blair Witch Project, for example, I did not understand the significance of Mike standing in the corner of the basement at the end, until a friend explained it to me, at which point I instantly got goose bumps all over.

So, seriously, all of you who've seen it: was there something more to it? Or was this all there was?

Please note: I didn't dislike the movie. I thought the script, the acting, and the direction were top-notch. I just thought the "twist" was pathetically transparent.

Hey, that's me!

Check it out: I got mentioned on The A.V. Club site today! It's in their weekly "Ask the A.V. Club" column. I helped provide the answer to a stumper question from last week, regarding a car crash from an unknown movie. I was able to discover the film in question is Dirty Mary Crazy Larry. Here, in the A.V. Club's words, is how I came by my discovery:

Tom Collins, who also wrote in with the correct answer, explains that he first saw that climactic crash in the opening credits of Lee Majors' TV series The Fall Guy. Those credits, viewable here, alternated scenes from the show with movie stunts of the sort Majors' stuntman character theoretically helped create.

Ha! Once again, my obsessive TV-watching pays off! Or, no, wait, that should be "For the first time ever," not "Once again." But heck, all those hours of burning my eyeballs out staring at the tube were worth it just for this shining moment of fame and fortune. No, wait, check that again, that's "abject poverty and obscurity," not "fame and fortune." Close enough!