MOVIES: The Star Wars DVDs

Here's my two cents on the Star Wars films, which have been revised yet again for the DVDs:

My license on being a Star Wars fan has expired. I no longer feel invested enough in the films to legitimately get righteously pissed off from a fan's point of view.

Ever since Greedo suddenly shot first, I've been outraged over the revisions Lucas has made to the films loved and treasured by such a vast audience. (On a day other than today, I probably will still be outraged, especially over the fact that he's trying to erase the existence of the original, un-tampered films from the goddam face of the earth... Calm, calm, find your center, Tom.) But with the new DVD release, I've been thinking: why should I care so much? Because I don't think I even like those movies all that much anymore.

It took me a very long time to admit it, but the truth is Star Wars isn't a very good film. The dialogue is almost uniformly stilted, and awkward, and bad. (As Harrison Ford once said, and as I love to quote ad infinitum: "George, you can write this shit, but you can't say it.") There are only a few genuinely quotable lines (other than of the "May the Force be with you" variety), and even those are pretty bad. "If money is all that you love, then that's what you'll receive" is my favorite, but it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? Or, "I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced." Maybe the double "suddenly" is Guinness' fault on the line-reading, but still, that repeated word really screws up the line.

And so on. I really don't want to get into a point by point deconstruction, but it's simply not a very good film. It was different at the time, revolutionary, even, and everyone still remembers it with the impact it first caused, but it hasn't aged well at all.

The second film is the only truly great one in the series. Lucas didn't write the screenplay or direct, which helped. But it was the only one that was allowed to be truly dark, the only one that didn't lower itself to the youngest, simplest mind in the audience. The third one did a lot of good stuff, but it had the Ewoks. Nuff said. As for Episodes I, II, and presumably III: pure shit. I don't know how to sugarcoat it. They suck ass, long and loud.

But still, I loved the original trilogy for years and years. Then, when the DVDs were released this week, it suddenly occurred to me: as much as I thought I loved them, I haven't watched even a little part of those three films (aside from clips on TV documentaries and the like) since I bought the VHS box set... what, seven years ago? Eight? It's been so long, I don't even know if the videos are the original version, or the "Special Edition". (I suspect Special Edition, but honestly, I don't remember.)

How can I claim to be a fan of these films, a fan with righteous indignation over the despoiling of his memories, if I haven't even looked at the movies for the better part of a decade?

So, fine, Lucas. Do what you want. Shit all over the films. Make Greedo shoot first. Put Hayden Christensen into Jedi. Replace Chewbacca with Jar-Jar. It turns out, I don't care enough about your films anymore to worry about what you do to them.

On second thought, you fuck with Chewbacca and I'll break your neck, you hack.