This just in from Germany

Follow up to my post about being linked by a German blog: Björn, the author of the post that linked me, was nice enough to send me an email and clear up some of the comedic translation errors caused by Babel Fish.

"Thus the Gehasse goes to some on the nerves," for example, should more properly be translated as, "Some people hate the hating" (singling out Legomancer in particular as someone who disapproved of all the Star Wars negativity). And "because it Han equal solo ones a whole corner makes desert" actually means "since it makes Han Solo suddenly a hell of a lot more boring." Okay, that makes sense. Where "dte rodent years" came from, though, is still a mystery.

He also said some very nice things about my blog, which proves once again that Germans love David Hasselhoff... and Tom the Dog. Actually, according to Björn, they don't even love Hasselhoff that much anymore, "since he gave up his talking car and started to lose his hair... on his chest." Poor Hasselhoff!

I am a jelly donut!

I just discovered the coolest link to my site yet, from Welt am Draht, a German site that promises (according to the Babel Fish translator) "The world at the wire, that are comments, information, thoughts and naturally News approximately around the world of the Comics and beyond that." Awesome!

The post (written by Björn) appears to agree with my recent Star Wars entry, in which I said I couldn't get too mad at George Lucas' crazy revisions any more, because of how my interest in his films has waned. Björn begins by saying (again, via Babel Fish),

Even 27 after year the Erstveroeffentlichung cannot one star Wars escape. And since DVD release still many less. Thus some hates it (some hates it even still more). Thus the Gehasse goes to some on the nerves. I can divide the opinion of Tom the Dog very well.

Which made me nervous. I thought he was mad at me. I don't want strange Europeans mad at me. I don't want my Gehasse to go some on his nerves. (If the Gehasse is even mine to begin with.)

But then he says,

That is practically my history with star Wars. Since then I saw the film in the primary school the first time, could not get I from the universe enough. During my early dte rodent years Timothy of tooth Thrawn Trilogie heated my enthusiasm up again. One could have shown me a Alien from the film the fact that for a Frame occurred and I would have name, homeland planet, life history, social security number and shoe size down-prays to be able.

That's pretty funny. Score one for Björn! ("Timothy of tooth", by the way, is Babel Fish's translation of Timothy Zahn. What "dte rodent years" means, I have no idea.)

There's more:

I was so bad... and where the DVDs outside am now: Nothing. It is all the same to me. Without which I did not notice it have star Wars its relevance lost... the first Trilogie have I for 6 or 7 years no more looked.

He hasn't watched the original films for as long as I said I hadn't. Look at us connecting, all the way across the Atlantic! See, not everyone in the world hates America!

But this is my favorite part:

I like also Empire still. But apart from it... nothing. It is nearly already no matter to me that Lucas Hayden Christiansen builds into the film (only the Greedo first shoots, which disturbs me... because it Han equal solo ones a whole corner makes desert).

Even Germans hate Greedo shooting first!! That's so excellent. I don't know what "a whole corner makes desert" means, but still... excellent. You hear that, Lucas? You've alienated your European fans, too!

Okay, I lied: my absolutely favorite part is really this bit, which appears after he's done talking about me, and which I shall leave as it actually appears on the site, untranslated:

Kleines Follow Up zum letzten Post: Mehr Gründe warum John Byrne "an jackass of the highest order" ist.

Germans are the best!

MOVIES: The Star Wars DVDs

Here's my two cents on the Star Wars films, which have been revised yet again for the DVDs:

My license on being a Star Wars fan has expired. I no longer feel invested enough in the films to legitimately get righteously pissed off from a fan's point of view.

Ever since Greedo suddenly shot first, I've been outraged over the revisions Lucas has made to the films loved and treasured by such a vast audience. (On a day other than today, I probably will still be outraged, especially over the fact that he's trying to erase the existence of the original, un-tampered films from the goddam face of the earth... Calm, calm, find your center, Tom.) But with the new DVD release, I've been thinking: why should I care so much? Because I don't think I even like those movies all that much anymore.

It took me a very long time to admit it, but the truth is Star Wars isn't a very good film. The dialogue is almost uniformly stilted, and awkward, and bad. (As Harrison Ford once said, and as I love to quote ad infinitum: "George, you can write this shit, but you can't say it.") There are only a few genuinely quotable lines (other than of the "May the Force be with you" variety), and even those are pretty bad. "If money is all that you love, then that's what you'll receive" is my favorite, but it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? Or, "I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced." Maybe the double "suddenly" is Guinness' fault on the line-reading, but still, that repeated word really screws up the line.

And so on. I really don't want to get into a point by point deconstruction, but it's simply not a very good film. It was different at the time, revolutionary, even, and everyone still remembers it with the impact it first caused, but it hasn't aged well at all.

The second film is the only truly great one in the series. Lucas didn't write the screenplay or direct, which helped. But it was the only one that was allowed to be truly dark, the only one that didn't lower itself to the youngest, simplest mind in the audience. The third one did a lot of good stuff, but it had the Ewoks. Nuff said. As for Episodes I, II, and presumably III: pure shit. I don't know how to sugarcoat it. They suck ass, long and loud.

But still, I loved the original trilogy for years and years. Then, when the DVDs were released this week, it suddenly occurred to me: as much as I thought I loved them, I haven't watched even a little part of those three films (aside from clips on TV documentaries and the like) since I bought the VHS box set... what, seven years ago? Eight? It's been so long, I don't even know if the videos are the original version, or the "Special Edition". (I suspect Special Edition, but honestly, I don't remember.)

How can I claim to be a fan of these films, a fan with righteous indignation over the despoiling of his memories, if I haven't even looked at the movies for the better part of a decade?

So, fine, Lucas. Do what you want. Shit all over the films. Make Greedo shoot first. Put Hayden Christensen into Jedi. Replace Chewbacca with Jar-Jar. It turns out, I don't care enough about your films anymore to worry about what you do to them.

On second thought, you fuck with Chewbacca and I'll break your neck, you hack.

COMICS: Stupid, stupid lack of a better Bone themed quote!!

I forgot to mention: I got the phone book collection of the complete Bone series, because apparently I have poor impulse control.

I've heard people talking -- mostly negatively -- about Jeff Smith's penchant of returning to his comics and altering them for the trade collections, a la George "Greedo Shoots First" Lucas. Word is Smith may even have altered his previous alterations for this new phone book (like the upcoming Special Special Edition DVD of Star Wars). Might even alter them again for the future color Scholastic collections.

I don't really know how much has been altered; it's been a long time since I read the original first few issues (if I have the originals, why did I get the phone book? Because I only have the first 20 issues or so; after that point I decided I would wait for the series to end and collect the trades -- smart move!), so I have no way of knowing off the top of my head if he just fixed some misspelled words, or tidied up some glitches in the art, or actually made wholesale changes to the story. My impression, though, is that the changes aren't very drastic, and won't affect my reading. Normally, I'm a stickler for the original version of anything, but if Smith has made the book a little better in his eyes without ruining it for the reader (I'm looking at you again, Lucas), I'm just fine and dandy with that.