TV: Reality, or a reasonable facsimile thereof

The Amazing Race: Still the best of the reality shows, even though this season has been lackluster. I don't have a single team I can root for, and haven't for pretty much the majority of the season. Colin is emerging as one of the most villainous players ever, though, which is always entertaining. His exclamation during one of the challenges on this week's show is one of the funniest out-of-context lines in the show's history, and possibly in the history of all TV: "My OX is BROKEN!!!"

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Survivor: The season premiere got off to a roaring start. I loved the one guy who was wearing a BOB BARKER shirt. How random is that? But the men's team is off to a bad, bad start, just as they were the last time they split the tribes into men vs. women. What is with men and balance beams? Is it their bait and tackle that throws them off balance? What? And they also made the stupidest mistake that can be made in this game: voting off the strong players first. The weaker, older players think they need to get rid of the younger, stronger players right away. Well, you can't win a goddam challenge if all you have left on your team is the worst players, dumbasses! If you vote out the strong too early, then you're gonna lose all your challenges! Wait until the tribes merge, then vote out the strong.

The best thing about the premiere: no Rupert. Oh, how I fucking hate that fucking Rupert. Two seasons in a row with him was sheer torture. I got sick of him in his second episode. But for some reason, America loves him! Stupid America.

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The Apprentice: I swore I wouldn't watch this show. I do not want to reward Donald Trump in any way, even if it's only by giving him attention on the TV. But I saw one of the commercials, where he just rips into one of the players, berating him over and over, "You were stupid! It was a stupid move! Totally stupid!" And so I rewound the TiVo and watched the last ten minutes... and I may have been hooked. God damn it! It's devilishly addicting, watching Trump ream out the losers in the boardroom. I love that one of the players, who suffers from permanent bitch-face, got shot down by Trump when she blurted out at one of his decisions, "That's insane." "Why are you even talking?" he shouted at her. And I tell you what: right on. I wish I could yell at these reality show idiots like he does. I may have to watch a full episode, and see if I'm completely seduced by the Dark Side or not.