VIDEO GAMES: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Now, here's a category I don't address very often: video games. I just assume that most of you fall into two categories: those who don't care, and those who do care, but are so far advanced beyond my meager gaming experience that my little anecdotes will seem as quaint and hopelessly outdated as an Amish village. And yet, here we are. And it's a long one, too.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. I wasn't going to buy it until the cheaper "Greatest Hits" version came out at some point down the road, but a friend bought it for me as a belated Christmas present (thanks, Lew!), so that settled that. And wow, is it an impressive game. It's gorgeously rendered, it's got a wide variety of challenging and interesting missions, it's got a fantastic voice cast (Samuel L. Jackson, baby!), and it's insanely gigantic. I've been playing for a couple weeks, and so far I haven't explored much beyond the city limits of Los Santos, which represents about one twelfth of the game map. In fact, I've hardly even scratched the surface of Los Santos. There is so much to do and explore.

Which is where I have a problem. When does so much become too much? Unfortunately, in San Andreas, almost immediately.

I'm not against a richer gaming experience. I'm not looking only to steal cars and shoot things, although that's the main selling point, let's face it. But at some point, the designers needed to step back and say, maybe enough's enough. Take all the things you need to do to maintain your character. You need to take him to restaurants and feed him to increase his health, and you need to select between various meal combos, with varying prices and fat content. If you get too fat, you have to go to the gym, where you can work off the fat, add muscles and stamina, and train to learn new fight moves. You need to show your gang affiliation by going to a clothing store and buying the proper color clothes; you can choose attire from shoes, pants, shirts, jackets, and head scarves all the way down to watches, heart-printed briefs (!), and Groucho Marx-style joke glasses (???). Then you have to go to the tattoo parlor, and pick the ink you want for your lower right arm, upper right arm, lower left arm, upper left arm, left chest, right chest, stomach, etc. Then you need to go to the barber shop, and choose from a variety of hairstyles and facial hair combinations. I've got the cornrows right now -- that cost five hundred bucks! But that helps increase your sex appeal (yes, there's a separate stat for sex appeal), as does your physique, your tattoos, even the last car your drove. You also have to be concerned with your respect level. You earn respect by completing missions, or by killing enemy gang members, or by doing I don't know what else, because the game is so vague on it, and then, the more respect you have, the more gang members you can recruit to go with you on missions. Plus, there are statistics you have to work to improve for swimming underwater, driving each different type of vehicle (car, motorcycle, bicycle, plane, boat, helicopter, and who knows what else), and firing each different type of weapon.

Whew! That's a boatload of things to worry about. And that's just the things you can do to customize your character. That doesn't even scratch the surface of the things you have to do with him in the game. And, like I said, the game is so goddam vague about what you need to do to accomplish your tasks, that it gets mightily frustrating. Take dating, for instance. At a certain point, you begin dating a girl from your neighborhood. You have to stop by her house at different times of the day to try to find her when she's actually home. Then you pick her up, take her to a fast food joint, diner, restaurant, or bar that she might enjoy, or indulge her in the other things she likes doing (like drive-bys!). Then, when you work up enough credit in the dating meter (yes, there's a separate stat for that, too), you get to have sex with her. No, I'm not kidding. (You don't get to see it; the camera remains outside the house. But you can hear the participants. My favorite line is when the girlfriend says, "Damn, I hope I don't get pregnant again!" She must've missed that Smallville episode.)

Those are things I was able to deduce from gameplay. But here's some things I was only able to learn by going online and looking up a walkthrough guide (specifically because I suspected I was missing something in the dating portion of the game). If you max out the dating meter, you are rewarded with a pimp suit. Sweet. I imagined there would have to be some kind of reward for that, but the game sure doesn't tell you. Also, you can go around the city and find flowers that you can pick for her for when you show up on your date. What? How the hell was I supposed to know something like that? And when you drop her off, you can get out of the car, walk her to the door, and attempt to kiss her. Really? Dang, I've been staying in the car and letting her walk her own sorry ass to the door. I'm a bad date. But I didn't know! How can you conceivably know something like that, if you don't read the cheat guide first? (You can't. Which is why they make the cheat guides.)

I don't want to cheat. I like finishing a game on my own merits, and then going back through and using all the hints and cheat codes and finding all the secrets that I didn't the first time through. But this game will take me literally weeks to finish for the first time. Will I really want to wait that long to find out what I'm missing? If I do, will I really want to jump right back in the game and play again? For example, I discovered glimpsing through this online guide that there are various spots at high altitudes (skyscrapers, mountain peaks) where you can find a parachute, which you can actually use. That sounds great! But would I ever have found out about it, if I hadn't accidentally run across it online?

It comes down to, which way of playing robs me of the most fun? Getting the satisfaction of doing it on my own, but missing out on all the cool hidden stuff? Or using the walkthrough to find the hidden stuff, but having the game spoiled for me?

There are other problems I have with the game. The targeting system drives me absolutely insane. You can have a guy standing five feet away from you, shooting you point blank, but when you try to target him and return fire, often you can't get a lock, and wind up targeting an innocent bystander across the street, or you don't target anything, and wind up firing straight into the air. Grr!! Also, what's up with my damn garage door? It's supposed to open when you approach it, but every damn time I go up to it, I just stand there, and nothing happens, and I have to run around a little bit and try to trigger the door. Every time!

What really drives me insane is that there's such a great game buried under all of this. The missions are so cool, and use so many different skills. In one, you have to sneak through a house at night and steal some items without waking up the owner (after you complete that mission, you can then go burglarize almost any house, and then fence the items for cash). In one mission, you have to race through a burning building armed with a fire extinguisher (that's how you meet your girlfriend). In another, you have to invade a mansion in the hills to steal a notebook, and perform stealth kills on the armed guards from behind. Another mission, you have to raid an army base and use a forklift to steal weapons. Then in another, you have to take out all the gang members in a neighborhood, which claims that area for you, and opens up a whole new part of the game, territory acquisition (and defense).

There's so much worthwhile in the basic gameplay that all this extraneous stuff really detracts from the experience for me. I don't want to have to worry about whether my clothes make me more attractive or not. But I have to worry about that and more, if I want my character to be developed enough to make it through future segments of the game.

It's still very early in the game for me, so maybe I'll get more into it all as I go along. But right now, despite being ten times bigger, San Andreas has yet to match the fun and excitement of the previous game in the series, Vice City.

MOVIES: The Incredibles

Everything good you've heard about The Incredibles is dead right, and then some. It's simultaneously one of the best superhero movies I've ever seen, and one of the best James Bond films I've ever seen; it's one of the funniest comedies of the year, as well as one of the most exciting action movies.

Craig T. Nelson and Holly Hunter are Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl, a superpowered couple that is forced into retirement and a life of suburban boredom after a public backlash against costumed heroes. Their children, sullen teen Violet and hyperactive grade-schooler Dash, also have powers, but have been forced to hide them all their lives. Samuel L. Jackson plays Mr. Incredible's best friend, an ice-powered hero named Frozone (who disappointed me by not having a giant 'fro). And Jason Lee voices the Syndrome (who must have the same barber as the Heat Miser):


(There's even an excellent for-the-grown-ups Kevin Smith shout-out when Mr. Incredible tries to remember Jason Lee's character's real name: "Brophy? Brodie?") As characters, they are all more real than the characters in just about any action movie you can name from the past ten years, totally believable as people, not just cartoons.

The Syndrome's Bond villain-like volcanic island lair is endlessly dazzling to behold, with weapons, vehicles, and architecture so inventive it dizzies the senses. And the superheroic battles are genuinely exciting, with highlights being Elastigirl and kids under attack in a jet on their way to save dad, and a thrilling chase through the jungle (as amazing to watch as Return of the Jedi's speeder bike scene was, once upon a time), with the Syndrome's henchmen piloting what look like giant buzzsaw Frisbees in pursuit of Dash and Violet, who begin to realize the full potential of their powers. And the robots, oh! the robots -- it's almost to much to bear, they're so wickedly wonderful.

It's very rare I watch a film and immediately want to watch it again. Almost as rare as it is to watch a two-hour film and have it fly by like it was ten minutes. This film meets both of those challenges. The Incredibles may not hit quite the same emotional, heartstring-tugging highs as Finding Nemo, and possibly is not quite as hilarious, but in overall quality I'd say it more than matches up. It's a solid contender for best film of the year.

TRAILER TRASH

It's been a full week since I went to the theater and saw trailers before two different movies. Now I'm having a hard time remembering what they were. Here's a look at the ones I do recall.

Saw: I'm sure I'll regret it, judging by the bad reviews it's been getting, but I actually want to see this. Looks like it's a pretty clever premise: a serial killer who never actually kills his victims; he sets up elaborate traps which can be escaped, but usually result in the victim somehow killing himself.

Sideways: This is the next film coming up that I'm truly eager to see. Paul Giamatti is one of my favorite actors, and he got absolutely robbed of a Best Actor Oscar nomination last year for American Splendor. (Sean Penn even went so far as to mention him during his acceptance speech.) This new film is already generating new Oscar buzz, not just for him, but for co-star Thomas Haden Church as well (Lowell is getting Oscar buzz??). Written and directed by Alexander Payne, who did Election and About Schmidt, this one is going to be great.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: A slamdunk. Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, and Wes Anderson, together again. Do I even have to tell you more than that? Sold!

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events: Jim Carrey as Count Olaf. Sold! It looks spectacular, although I fear the special effects may overwhelm the biting humor of the books. It looks like more than one of the books has been used for the movie, which is interesting. Also starring Meryl Streep, and Jude Law as Lemony Snicket. Did I already say "Sold"?

White Noise: Not to be confused with 2005's White Noise, based on the Don DeLillo novel, which actually could be good. This White Noise features Michael Keaton in a horror story about ghosts communicating with the living via home audio equipment. No sale! The trailer claims this crap really happens all the time. No, really! For reals! Listen to this voice! It's a ghost! Scared yet? It's real!! Keaton needs a new agent.

Coach Carter Samuel L. Jackson plays a tough instructor at a tough urban school. I was going to say, "I liked it better the first time he made this movie, when it was called Lean On Me," but, uh... that was Morgan Freeman. My bad. This one does look like the same movie, though, only Jackson plays a basketball coach who breaks all the rules and inspires his charges into being better people via discipline and tough love, as opposed to a principal who breaks etc. etc. Yawn. (Strange sidenote: while searching IMDb for the phrase "Lean On Me", two of the possible matches suggested were for this extremely nasty-sounding film and this even nastier one. Both of them do have the words "on" and "me" in their titles, I admit, but aren't quite what I was looking for, IMDb.)

Hide and Seek: Empire Magazine just named Robert DeNiro the best actor over 50 in the world. And I started thinking, has DeNiro made a great movie since he turned 50 in 1993, let alone more than one or two movies that didn't totally and completely suck? I guess it depends on if you think Casino or Heat were truly great, because other than that, there's an awful lot of suck. The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle? The Fan? Showtime? Godsend? Analyze That?? Okay, there's some good stuff in there, I'll admit, like Ronin (well, I liked it, anyway), Sleepers, Wag the Dog, and yes, even Analyze This and Meet the Parents. But DeNiro more properly belongs at the top of the list of actors who have squandered their talent in garbage after turning 50. My point? Add Hide and Seek to the suck pile.