TRAILER TRASH

Trailers seen before Million Dollar Baby and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (both of which I will write about later):

Assault on Precinct 13: Already seen this preview on TV, and it doesn't look any better on the big screen. I don't see any need whatsoever to have remade this John Carpenter film, except for, oh yeah, the total bankruptcy of imagination in Hollywood. There was a time when I would've said Sir Laurence Fishburne deserved to appear in better productions than this B-level crap, but then he exhausted all my goodwill with those two shitty, shitty Matrix sequels. The whole rest of his career should be atonement for them.

Be Cool: "From the director of The Italian Job," this trailer proudly proclaims. That would be F. Gary Gray, distinguished helmer of Set It Off and A Man Apart. I'd be a little more judicious about making that boast if I were you. Seriously, how does a hack like that get control of a (seemingly) high quality, high profile project like this? I'm willing to cut a minor amount of slack to this film because it's Elmore Leonard, it's reuniting John Travolta and Uma Thurman, and the trailer makes it look pretty damn funny. Yes, the ultimate trailer cynic has been suckered in by this trailer. I will admit my error, should I need to after seeing the movie.

Chicken Little: I think this is Disney's first non-Pixar computer animated film, and frankly, it shows the lack of Pixar's magic. Now, I'm a lifelong Disney fan, but this looks weak. Even the least of Disney's animated features (like Home on the Range) are somewhat worthwhile, but if, after seeing this trailer, the Disney board members aren't kicking themselves -- and Eisner -- for ending their relationship with Pixar, then they are seriously deluded.

Constantine: As a comics fan, I've been trying to distance myself from the comic book origins of this thing (i.e., not bitch about Constantine being a dopey dark-haired Yank, rather than Sting, twenty years ago), to see if I can appreciate its merits without fanboy baggage. But no matter how you look at it, this is going to suck about eighteen different kinds of ass. It's a CGI-fest with no redeeming qualities. The first must-miss of the new year!

Dark Water: As a horror fan, I'm somewhat contemptuous of the glut of PG-13 horror movies over the past few years. For every one that actually achieves a successful degree of scariness without the leeway an R rating grants, like The Sixth Sense or The Ring, there are about eighty films that have no reason to exist: hog-tied into wimpiness by the PG-13 due to the desire to reach an audience an R rating would prevent. I love Jennifer Connelly a truly unhealthy amount, and John C. Reilly, Tim Roth, and Pete Postlethwaite are all excellent, but I think, judging from the overwhelming mediocrity of this trailer, and after the unbridled idiocy of The Grudge, a moratorium needs to be called on American remakes of Japanese horror films, ASAP.

Hitch: I will be honest: I wanted to dislike this trailer. I saw the sitcom level banality of the story, I saw Will Smith, and I wanted instantly to dismiss it as crap. But then I saw Kevin James, and you know what? It started looking really amusing. Will Smith is an incredible comedic actor, when he puts some effort into it, and I like James a great deal, too... this movie may have something to it. I probably will not be rushing out to see it on opening night, but if I've got a hankering for a movie and nothing else is playing, I'd pay theater prices for it.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: As thrilled as I am, as a fan, to see this coming to the big screen, I have to say this trailer, even considering that it's only a very brief teaser trailer, is a tremendous failure. Sure, the fans in the audience (like me) got a kick out of it, but you know what? We're nerds. We're great big fucking nerds. And this trailer has to be pre-selling the film to the vast amount of non-nerds in the audience. Now, we nerds (and let's face it, if you're reading this, you're about 99.5% likely to be a nerd*) tend to assume that what's common knowledge to us is at least marginally familiar to the non-nerd population. But, as Mike recently realized, that simply is not the case. This trailer not only fails to sell the movie to the majority of America that has never heard of the book, it even fails to convey that it's meant to be humorous. Earth blows up, and the words "Don't Panic" appear, and that's almost kind of sorta funny to a newbie, but the rest of the trailer plays this dramatic, serious music, with cool but completely meaningless images of the Guide, and basically implies the film will be some kind of action thriller. "42" appears in the stars? Great, nice bone to throw to the fans. But there is nothing here to attract a non-fan. In fact, the image of the Earth exploding is more likely to alienate than intrigue: "Oh, my, what poor taste! There's enough terrorism and natural disasters in the world already, without this... this movie blowing up the Earth for no reason! I never! Et cetera!"

Millions: Blank Check, but British.

The Weather Man: Nicolas Cage, Michael Caine, Hope Davis (one of my favorite actresses), and directed by Gore Verbinski, who's had two big winners in a row with The Ring and Pirates of the Caribbean. And yet it just doesn't appeal to me. It comes off as too aggressively quirky. This looks like a movie that will step on your windpipe and bear down until you swear that you are uplifted by its offbeat humanism. Pass. I've already got whatever Spielberg does next for that.

---

*And please try not to kick up a fuss about the word "nerd." That's like a Trekkie demanding to be called a "Trekker." Own up to it! Embrace it! I have, and the freedom is exhilarating!

TRAILER TRASH

It's been a full week since I went to the theater and saw trailers before two different movies. Now I'm having a hard time remembering what they were. Here's a look at the ones I do recall.

Saw: I'm sure I'll regret it, judging by the bad reviews it's been getting, but I actually want to see this. Looks like it's a pretty clever premise: a serial killer who never actually kills his victims; he sets up elaborate traps which can be escaped, but usually result in the victim somehow killing himself.

Sideways: This is the next film coming up that I'm truly eager to see. Paul Giamatti is one of my favorite actors, and he got absolutely robbed of a Best Actor Oscar nomination last year for American Splendor. (Sean Penn even went so far as to mention him during his acceptance speech.) This new film is already generating new Oscar buzz, not just for him, but for co-star Thomas Haden Church as well (Lowell is getting Oscar buzz??). Written and directed by Alexander Payne, who did Election and About Schmidt, this one is going to be great.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: A slamdunk. Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, and Wes Anderson, together again. Do I even have to tell you more than that? Sold!

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events: Jim Carrey as Count Olaf. Sold! It looks spectacular, although I fear the special effects may overwhelm the biting humor of the books. It looks like more than one of the books has been used for the movie, which is interesting. Also starring Meryl Streep, and Jude Law as Lemony Snicket. Did I already say "Sold"?

White Noise: Not to be confused with 2005's White Noise, based on the Don DeLillo novel, which actually could be good. This White Noise features Michael Keaton in a horror story about ghosts communicating with the living via home audio equipment. No sale! The trailer claims this crap really happens all the time. No, really! For reals! Listen to this voice! It's a ghost! Scared yet? It's real!! Keaton needs a new agent.

Coach Carter Samuel L. Jackson plays a tough instructor at a tough urban school. I was going to say, "I liked it better the first time he made this movie, when it was called Lean On Me," but, uh... that was Morgan Freeman. My bad. This one does look like the same movie, though, only Jackson plays a basketball coach who breaks all the rules and inspires his charges into being better people via discipline and tough love, as opposed to a principal who breaks etc. etc. Yawn. (Strange sidenote: while searching IMDb for the phrase "Lean On Me", two of the possible matches suggested were for this extremely nasty-sounding film and this even nastier one. Both of them do have the words "on" and "me" in their titles, I admit, but aren't quite what I was looking for, IMDb.)

Hide and Seek: Empire Magazine just named Robert DeNiro the best actor over 50 in the world. And I started thinking, has DeNiro made a great movie since he turned 50 in 1993, let alone more than one or two movies that didn't totally and completely suck? I guess it depends on if you think Casino or Heat were truly great, because other than that, there's an awful lot of suck. The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle? The Fan? Showtime? Godsend? Analyze That?? Okay, there's some good stuff in there, I'll admit, like Ronin (well, I liked it, anyway), Sleepers, Wag the Dog, and yes, even Analyze This and Meet the Parents. But DeNiro more properly belongs at the top of the list of actors who have squandered their talent in garbage after turning 50. My point? Add Hide and Seek to the suck pile.

TRAILER TRASH

Taxi: This movie could not look worse if it really were a big-screen adaptation of the TV show, with Jimmy Fallon as Latka and Queen Latifah as Reverend Jim. Instead, it's a bunch of supermodel-looking bank robbers being chased by policeman Fallon in cabbie Latifah's souped-up super-taxi. No, really. This movie is for people who kind of liked Bringing Down the House, but thought it was a little too intellectual.

The Aviator: So, did Martin Scorsese not see Gangs of New York? I mean, he directed it, but maybe he never watched it. Because if he had, why in the hell would he still think Leo DiCaprio has the presence to hold together an adult film? (Not adult-sexy, adult as in grown-up.) DiCaprio is a teen heartthrob (and actually those teens are probably over him by now), not a Scorsese lead. He doesn't have the look, the voice, or the talent to be a believable dramatic anchor for a movie like this. It's hard enough already to try to pass off Howard Hughes as a romantic dreamer, rather than coocoo for Cocoa Puffs, but with DiCaprio in the role, I can't for a second believe his pretty little head could contain such ambitious ideas. Screw around with actresses like Hepburn, Gardner, and Harlow -- sure. Design and build airplanes -- no. And Marty, it's not just Leo you need to think about recasting. Gwen frickin' Stefani as Harlow? Oh, Marty, Marty, Marty.

After the Sunset: I liked this movie just fine the first time I saw it... when it was called The Thomas Crown Affair. Salma Hayek is Rene Russo (though probably a lot less naked), Woody Harrelson is Denis Leary, and Pierce Brosnan is Pierce Brosnan. Big-time thief pulling one last heist, yada yada yada.

Ladder 49: Same joke, change punchline to Backdraft. No, wait, I didn't like Backdraft. And that had Robert De Niro.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: I've gone back and forth on this one. At first I thought it looked kind of stupid, but that it still might be the kind of movie I'd get a kick out of. Then I thought it would be pretty darn entertaining for a general audience. And now, the more I read about how everything but the actors is computer-generated -- the entire movie was shot against a bluescreen -- I don't think that's the kind of filmmaking that deserves to be rewarded. Maybe if it were some kind of one-time experiment, that would be fine, but this is the kind of movie that could raise acceptance of computer-generated imagery to a new level (if not by audiences, then by production studios, who may find it more cost-effective), and I do not want that to happen. I think action films are on the verge of being ruined once and for all by over-reliance on fake, uninteresting CGI. Even James Bond films, the last bastion (in America) of real, live, human stuntman-based action scenes, are degenerating into CGI-fests -- I'm thinking particularly of that idiotic windsurfing scene in Die Another Day. I know that even the simplest of action scenes usually have some kind of CGI involved in them (if only to erase the stunt wires), but still, there's something more compelling, more viscerally engaging, about a stunt with one real person in one real car, than a million CGI robots fighting a million CGI aliens.

TRAILER TRASH

Mr. 3000: What struck me most about the trailer for this Bernie Mac baseball "comedy" was not how stunningly unfunny it looks to be, nor what a step down this is career-wise for Angela Bassett, but that it's stolen a gimmick directly from the Bad News Bears. Bernie Mac, at first base, has concealed the ball in his glove, and when the baserunner takes a big leadoff, Bernie tags him out. That is a direct steal from one of the Bad News Bears films (I think it was The Bad News Bears Go to Japan, but it's been a while.) That's just sad. Also, any movie that still thinks it's funny to make Tom Arnold/Roseanne jokes should be taken behind the barn and shot like Old Yeller.

Exorcist: The Beginning: This one's tough to judge. The original Exorcist is an enduring horror classic, but its two sequels were for shit. And this new prequel has quite a troubled history: Renny Harlin is the third director attached to the film; John Frankenheimer quit the film a month before his death, and Paul Schrader was fired after completing the film -- the producers apparently hated his version, and hired Harlin to reshoot it with more action and violence. The DVD extras should be interesting -- they could just have one two-hour long deleted scene. Maybe I'll rent that DVD one day, but I think I'll be avoiding this in the theaters.

Blade: Trinity: This looks really dumb. But the first two Blade movies also looked really dumb, and they were both highly entertaining. This movie has the added bonus of seeing goofball Ryan Reynolds (of Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place) and whiny little powderpuff Jessica Biel act like super-tough vampire hunters, which is just inherently funny to me. Plus: Parker Posey as a vampire. Nuff said. I'm there. And special note for Ian: Patton Oswalt's in this thing. Could it get any better??

Nicotina: This film is trying to capitalize on the buzz from every Latin indie film of the past five years. From the producers of Amores Perros! With one of the actors from Y Tu Mamá También! And if you squint a little, it kind of looks like City of God! According to IMDb, though, unlike those films, this is supposed to be a comedy, which I didn't really get from the trailer. Looked like just another crime film to me. Not interested.

A Dirty Shame: This could be great, or it could be a train wreck -- and considering it's John Waters directing, it might be both. Waters is returning to his perverted beginnings as a filmmaker in a big way with this NC-17 rated film. I was shocked by the stuff they showed in the trailer, which only hints at the deeply twisted depravity waiting in the real thing. I can't wait. No matter what, I am seeing this film. On a sidenote: Selma Blair is one of the stars. She also was in Storytelling. Now, I don't know if she's the only actress ever to appear in two NC-17 films, but if she's not, I bet you could count them all on the fingers of one hand. I just find that interesting.