TRAILER TRASH

Trailers seen before Million Dollar Baby and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (both of which I will write about later):

Assault on Precinct 13: Already seen this preview on TV, and it doesn't look any better on the big screen. I don't see any need whatsoever to have remade this John Carpenter film, except for, oh yeah, the total bankruptcy of imagination in Hollywood. There was a time when I would've said Sir Laurence Fishburne deserved to appear in better productions than this B-level crap, but then he exhausted all my goodwill with those two shitty, shitty Matrix sequels. The whole rest of his career should be atonement for them.

Be Cool: "From the director of The Italian Job," this trailer proudly proclaims. That would be F. Gary Gray, distinguished helmer of Set It Off and A Man Apart. I'd be a little more judicious about making that boast if I were you. Seriously, how does a hack like that get control of a (seemingly) high quality, high profile project like this? I'm willing to cut a minor amount of slack to this film because it's Elmore Leonard, it's reuniting John Travolta and Uma Thurman, and the trailer makes it look pretty damn funny. Yes, the ultimate trailer cynic has been suckered in by this trailer. I will admit my error, should I need to after seeing the movie.

Chicken Little: I think this is Disney's first non-Pixar computer animated film, and frankly, it shows the lack of Pixar's magic. Now, I'm a lifelong Disney fan, but this looks weak. Even the least of Disney's animated features (like Home on the Range) are somewhat worthwhile, but if, after seeing this trailer, the Disney board members aren't kicking themselves -- and Eisner -- for ending their relationship with Pixar, then they are seriously deluded.

Constantine: As a comics fan, I've been trying to distance myself from the comic book origins of this thing (i.e., not bitch about Constantine being a dopey dark-haired Yank, rather than Sting, twenty years ago), to see if I can appreciate its merits without fanboy baggage. But no matter how you look at it, this is going to suck about eighteen different kinds of ass. It's a CGI-fest with no redeeming qualities. The first must-miss of the new year!

Dark Water: As a horror fan, I'm somewhat contemptuous of the glut of PG-13 horror movies over the past few years. For every one that actually achieves a successful degree of scariness without the leeway an R rating grants, like The Sixth Sense or The Ring, there are about eighty films that have no reason to exist: hog-tied into wimpiness by the PG-13 due to the desire to reach an audience an R rating would prevent. I love Jennifer Connelly a truly unhealthy amount, and John C. Reilly, Tim Roth, and Pete Postlethwaite are all excellent, but I think, judging from the overwhelming mediocrity of this trailer, and after the unbridled idiocy of The Grudge, a moratorium needs to be called on American remakes of Japanese horror films, ASAP.

Hitch: I will be honest: I wanted to dislike this trailer. I saw the sitcom level banality of the story, I saw Will Smith, and I wanted instantly to dismiss it as crap. But then I saw Kevin James, and you know what? It started looking really amusing. Will Smith is an incredible comedic actor, when he puts some effort into it, and I like James a great deal, too... this movie may have something to it. I probably will not be rushing out to see it on opening night, but if I've got a hankering for a movie and nothing else is playing, I'd pay theater prices for it.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: As thrilled as I am, as a fan, to see this coming to the big screen, I have to say this trailer, even considering that it's only a very brief teaser trailer, is a tremendous failure. Sure, the fans in the audience (like me) got a kick out of it, but you know what? We're nerds. We're great big fucking nerds. And this trailer has to be pre-selling the film to the vast amount of non-nerds in the audience. Now, we nerds (and let's face it, if you're reading this, you're about 99.5% likely to be a nerd*) tend to assume that what's common knowledge to us is at least marginally familiar to the non-nerd population. But, as Mike recently realized, that simply is not the case. This trailer not only fails to sell the movie to the majority of America that has never heard of the book, it even fails to convey that it's meant to be humorous. Earth blows up, and the words "Don't Panic" appear, and that's almost kind of sorta funny to a newbie, but the rest of the trailer plays this dramatic, serious music, with cool but completely meaningless images of the Guide, and basically implies the film will be some kind of action thriller. "42" appears in the stars? Great, nice bone to throw to the fans. But there is nothing here to attract a non-fan. In fact, the image of the Earth exploding is more likely to alienate than intrigue: "Oh, my, what poor taste! There's enough terrorism and natural disasters in the world already, without this... this movie blowing up the Earth for no reason! I never! Et cetera!"

Millions: Blank Check, but British.

The Weather Man: Nicolas Cage, Michael Caine, Hope Davis (one of my favorite actresses), and directed by Gore Verbinski, who's had two big winners in a row with The Ring and Pirates of the Caribbean. And yet it just doesn't appeal to me. It comes off as too aggressively quirky. This looks like a movie that will step on your windpipe and bear down until you swear that you are uplifted by its offbeat humanism. Pass. I've already got whatever Spielberg does next for that.

---

*And please try not to kick up a fuss about the word "nerd." That's like a Trekkie demanding to be called a "Trekker." Own up to it! Embrace it! I have, and the freedom is exhilarating!

This Week in IMDb Chatboard Idiots

I forgot to mention, when I wrote about The Incredibles, the Pixar short that played right before it, the Oscar-nominated Boundin'. Did that show in every theater?

It's a cute little story, narrated in half-spoken/half-sung rhyme, about a sheep who loves to dance, until his wool gets sheared and the other animals make fun of his new look. Along comes a jackalope, who teaches the sheep not to be ashamed, and to bound with uninhibited joy. The end. It's a slight tale, but fun, and the character designs, especially on the jackalope and the poor naked sheep, are a real kick.

But it would seem not everyone feels that way. In fact, a surprising* number of IMDb reviewers and message board posters have worked themselves into hate-filled, venom-spewing balls of rage over this cute little cartoon. Let's go to the idiots!

tedg starts us off with his semi-coherent conspiracy theory review:

In other words, 'Incredibles' is great because it subtly sticks its finger in the eye of old fashioned parenting. But at the same time, it depends on getting those old fashioned parents to enthusiastically bring their kids to the screen time and time again. How to protect the investment?

Why simply tack on a short that has a moral and doesn't pull the rug out from under it. Make it cheerful and clear. Don't spend much money on the animation, in fact, the more like an old Disney project the better. After all, this is an election year where at least half the US has been artificially sensitized to 'moral values.'

This by itself is dreadful, simplistic, dangerous moralizing, of the Hallmark feelgood variety, very much in the mainstream of protestant teaching of all persuasions: accept injustice and be happy because God probably intended it that way.

But seen as a preemptive strike, it masterful provides cover for the more subversive rattling of 'Incredibles.' A little arsenic makes the sugar go down.

A cartoon about a sheep learning not to be bummed out for being different: "dreadful, simplistic, dangerous moralizing". Pixar has allied itself with George W. Bush and organized religion to brainwash America's children -- am I wrong, or is that not the gist of this review? Pretty impressive for a five-minute cartoon. You frickin' loony.

clodelrath continues on the message boards, in the simply-titled thread "BAD!":

This short was so terrible I almost walked out of the theater, thats right i would have missed whatching the Incredibles just to stop the pain. I almost burst into tears with how bad it was hurting my brain. A tip to anyone going to see the Incredibles use this 5 min to go get yourself popcorn.

When one poster sensibly enough suggests chilling the fuck out, the most likely aptly-named StalkerMan steps up to the plate:

Are you serious? how do you think this was cute OR set the tone for the Incredibles? the Incredibles was an incredible movie for all ages whereas boundin' was a 5 minute long mental rape. if it wasnt for watching the Incredibles afterwards i would now have some form degernative brain disease from this. i mean if you thought this was good you should really get a kick out of Barney or Seseme Street.

That's right, a cartoon about a cute little sheep = a 5 minute long mental rape. I think Barney and Sesame Street might still be a little too advanced for StalkerMan. Maybe he has a "degernative" brain disease.

Once again, we see that nothing is too innocuous or genial to drive someone insane with hatred. Thanks, IMDb Chatboard Idiots!

---

*When I say "surprising," I mean "surprising for anywhere other than the idiot-infested message boards of IMDb."

MOVIES: The Incredibles

Everything good you've heard about The Incredibles is dead right, and then some. It's simultaneously one of the best superhero movies I've ever seen, and one of the best James Bond films I've ever seen; it's one of the funniest comedies of the year, as well as one of the most exciting action movies.

Craig T. Nelson and Holly Hunter are Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl, a superpowered couple that is forced into retirement and a life of suburban boredom after a public backlash against costumed heroes. Their children, sullen teen Violet and hyperactive grade-schooler Dash, also have powers, but have been forced to hide them all their lives. Samuel L. Jackson plays Mr. Incredible's best friend, an ice-powered hero named Frozone (who disappointed me by not having a giant 'fro). And Jason Lee voices the Syndrome (who must have the same barber as the Heat Miser):


(There's even an excellent for-the-grown-ups Kevin Smith shout-out when Mr. Incredible tries to remember Jason Lee's character's real name: "Brophy? Brodie?") As characters, they are all more real than the characters in just about any action movie you can name from the past ten years, totally believable as people, not just cartoons.

The Syndrome's Bond villain-like volcanic island lair is endlessly dazzling to behold, with weapons, vehicles, and architecture so inventive it dizzies the senses. And the superheroic battles are genuinely exciting, with highlights being Elastigirl and kids under attack in a jet on their way to save dad, and a thrilling chase through the jungle (as amazing to watch as Return of the Jedi's speeder bike scene was, once upon a time), with the Syndrome's henchmen piloting what look like giant buzzsaw Frisbees in pursuit of Dash and Violet, who begin to realize the full potential of their powers. And the robots, oh! the robots -- it's almost to much to bear, they're so wickedly wonderful.

It's very rare I watch a film and immediately want to watch it again. Almost as rare as it is to watch a two-hour film and have it fly by like it was ten minutes. This film meets both of those challenges. The Incredibles may not hit quite the same emotional, heartstring-tugging highs as Finding Nemo, and possibly is not quite as hilarious, but in overall quality I'd say it more than matches up. It's a solid contender for best film of the year.