Lord, I was born a ramblin' man, or, I still hate Charles Taylor

I'll be leaving on another mini-vacation this afternoon, so I'll be out of computer range until at least Saturday night, more likely Sunday. Which means today is my last chance to post any top ten lists before the New Year! Oh me oh my!

And yet, I'll be using this post to complain about somebody else's top ten list. Two somebodies, actually. Charles Taylor and Stephanie Zacharek, Salon.com's movie critics.

I've written before about how much I hate Charles Taylor. He's insane. He's just out of his frickin' mind. And Zacharek isn't that much better. So why do I torture myself by reading anything they write? Sadly, I'm addicted to year-end top ten lists. I devour every one I come across. And together, they have listed their top ten films of 2004 (Salon Day Pass required to read article). How could I not read it? And how could I not then vent about it?

Zacharek goes first. Let's see, she's got Before Sunset at #1 -- haven't seen it, heard good things, that might be valid. House of Flying Daggers, Hotel Rwanda, uh-huh, uh-huh, something called Last Life in the Universe at #4 and I'll Sleep When I'm Dead at #5 -- never heard of 'em, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then at #6: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Hmm. Kind of a silly, lightweight choice, but I guess everyone's allowed to have one whimsical pick in their top ten. But she follows it with The Incredibles -- which I agree is great -- in a tie for #7 with... The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. What?

Now, I like Spongebob (I really do, Fred, please don't hate me! Oh, by the way, I appreciate your recent link; very nice of you), but this is an allegedly serious film critic making the argument that of the 400+ movies released domestically this past year, only seven were equal to or better than The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. You have got to be kidding!

But there's more! At #8: Hellboy! What?? And at #10, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle! WHAT??? Oh my sweet lord!! She's insane! She is absolutely, certifiably insane. I can understand, if you've only seen ten movies, how Harold & Kumar might make it on your list. But this is (again, allegedly) a serious film critic. Saying that a dopey, raunchy, stoner comedy (which I enjoyed, yes, but come on, let's have some perspective) is the tenth best movie she's seen all year is just wrong. It's just wrong. Yes, I am saying that her personal subjective opinion is demonstrably wrong. I am saying that she can not be trusted to form her own opinions.

Yikes. Well, surely Charles Taylor came up with a better list!

And you know what? He did. House of Flying Daggers and Hero tied for #1. The Dreamers at #2. I haven't seen all the films on his list, but they all seem justifiably worthy of praise to me.

Until we hit #10. In Charles Taylor's eyes, the tenth best film of 2004 is: 13 Going on 30. Having trouble remembering that one? I don't blame you. Let me refresh your memory: it's Big, with a chick. Yeah, that one. Tenth best film of the past twelve months, according to Taylor.

Now, I haven't seen 13 Going on 30. So perhaps I am not qualified to judge. But that ain't gonna stop me: I judge thee, Charles Taylor!! I judge thee, and find you lacking!!

"Jennifer Garner," he says (in the same trademark lunatic overstatement which made him declare Shallow Hal was "one of the loveliest, most affecting, and most emotionally satisfying of American film comedies"), "gives the kind of performance that made earlier movie audiences fall in love with Carole Lombard, Margaret Sullavan and, before that, Marion Davies." In a movie where she does the Michael Jackson "Thriller" dance. Wow. Just... wow. I can't wait to see Taylor's review of Elektra!

What's more, in his Honorable Mentions section, he also names Harold & Kumar (why am I not surprised?), as well as Bernie Mac's Mr. 3000. Dude. What the hell does this guy have to do to get his critic's license revoked? Taylor needs to go lie down for a while. Mr. 3000? This is clearly a cry for help from a very sick mind.

MOVIES: Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

I wasn't expecting much from a movie called Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, and that's basically what I got. Maybe I should've expected even less. But how could I? It's a stoner comedy by the guy who directed Dude, Where's My Car?* That bar is not set very high. (Heh, I said "high".)

It's funny enough, with a few good extended laughs, but for some reason I had built myself up into thinking this would be some kind of comedy classic I needed to see in the theater. Partly due to a lot of hype on various blogs and review sites, partly from Ebert & Roeper giving it two thumbs up (I figured, if they recommend a stoner comedy, it must be very funny indeed). And it's just not that good.

Again, I'm aware that I'm talking about Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle here. And I'm aware that it seems a little silly to claim disappointment in a movie with that title. Still, I did expect more.

The two leads are definitely very funny people, especially John Cho as Harold. He's been good in a lot of different things, and he's good here. And the movie has a decent amount of comedy in it, as well as some excellent cameo appearances, including Fred Willard as an admissions officer at a medical school, Jamie Kennedy as a strange man in the forest, Ryan Reynolds as a male nurse, and, best of all, Neil Patrick Harris as himself. You can't resist laughing when Doogie Howser tells Harold and Kumar, "I'm tripping my balls off," or, "I left some love stains in the back seat." You just can't. Well, maybe you can, I don't know you very well. But I couldn't.

I think one of the problems I had with this movie may have come from the audience I saw it with. There were very few people to begin with, and the ones who were there were often uncomfortably silent while I was laughing, which made me a little self-conscious, and less willing to laugh. Not that the audience hated the movie, or never laughed; they just were fairly reserved for a raunchy, dopey, drug-related comedy like this one.

I still laughed a lot, though. It's not Anchorman funny, but it's still a good deal funnier than it has any right to be, and it actually makes a few clever observations about how Asians are perceived, and expected to behave, in America. It's a definite DVD rental.

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*One of my favorite jokes ever from The Daily Show was when Jon Stewart claimed the sequel would be named, Oh, There It Is.

POTPOURRI

COMICS: Reading the Bone one-volume collection is exhausting. It's 1300 pages long, and thick as a cinder block, and it weighs more than a Thanksgiving turkey stuffed with ball bearings. I've been getting quite a workout just from cracking it open. And the page size is slightly smaller than a regular-sized issue, which means I have to strain my eyes more than usual. This thing's gonna take forever to read. Let me put it in perspective for you: if I read one issue per year, it will take me FIFTY-FIVE YEARS to finish this book.

Yeah. You see what I mean now.

Also, even after the many years it's been since I read the original issues, I can still pick out some of the revisions Jeff Smith has made for this collection. And I'll tell you, I don't mind the odd reworked sentence or two... but all that hardcore porn he added is really jarring. I'm not sure I would've made the same choice, were I in his shoes. Well, to each his own.

Oh, no, wait, I was reading XXXenophile. My mistake.

MOVIES: Tough decision this weekend: The Village, or Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle? Possibly both, if I pull a theater-hopping double feature tomorrow. If I have to choose: White Castle wins. I love M. Night Shyamalan's films, but this one's been getting some bad reviews, and I'm just not as much in the mood for a moody, suspenseful period piece as I am for a stoner comedy.

But the one movie I can't miss this weekend is Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism. I'm not even sure how, because I thought Murdoch had gotten an injunction against this film, but it's playing at my local theater on Sunday, one show only. It's all about how Murdoch blatantly uses Fox News as a promotional tool for the Republican party, with stolen footage from Fox News illustrating exactly how they advance that right wing agenda (which is why there is/was an injunction against it). From what I hear, the documentary as a whole is fairly amateurish, but when it gets to the Fox News footage, it's stunning. I can't wait.

TV: Celebrity Poker Showdown next week features Amy Poehler. I love Amy Poehler. That is all.

TRAILER TRASH

Saw Anchorman this weekend. I'll post a full entry about it tomorrow, but for now, a couple short notes on the previews that accompanied it.

Christmas with the Kranks: Based on the book Skipping Christmas by John Grisham, starring Tim Allen and Dan Aykroyd, and directed by Joe Roth, the auteur behind Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise. This film won't be released until Thanksgiving, but I appreciate the studio showing a preview for it in July. This way, I can fit in four entire months of hating it in advance!

Catwoman: You know your movie's prospects are dim when they have to show previews for it after it's already been released. The FX look terrible, the fight scenes are from the "if we use a lot of cuts, the audience will think something exciting is happening" school of filmmaking, and when you can say the best thing about a movie looks to be Sharon Stone, and you're not talking about Basic Instinct, you are talking about a very bad movie indeed.

Collateral: If I never hear Tom Cruise's grating, braying, "I'm-totally-on-the-edge-dammit!" laughter again, it'll be too soon. And what the hell is up with that hair? That said, Michael Mann has directed some excellent movies, I'm not entirely against the idea of Tom Cruise as a villain, and I will even admit the possibility that Jamie Foxx won't totally suck. If it's a slow week, I'll check it out.

Without a Paddle: I think Seth Green is very funny. I think Matthew Lillard is very funny. I think Burt Reynolds appearing in a film about three friends getting lost on a river-rafting trip is a very funny riff on Deliverance. However, I think this movie will suck at least seven different kinds of ass.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle: If, after having seen Dude, Where's My Car?, you'd told me that I would be eagerly anticipating that director's next film, I would've busted you right in the chops. Right square in the chops, sir! And yet, here we are. This looks hilarious. A very stupid kind of hilarious (the kind Dude promised but couldn't deliver), but hey, sometimes that's exactly what you're looking for in a comedy. Even my mom laughed at the trailer, and she hardly ever gets stoned anymore. And Ebert & Roeper just gave it two thumbs up, with Roeper calling it one of the funniest films of the year. Two thumbs up for a teen stoner comedy? That may be a sign of the apocalypse. Count me in!