NAUGHTY!!!

Quick impressions of Silent Night, Deadly Night immediately after watching it at the Alamo Drafthouse:

--The "Blood Nog" was viscous and blood red, and filled with unidentifiable squishy chunks. I drank it all, and immediately regretted it.

--My buddy Forrest and I also snuck in a pint of Jack Daniels, which helped scour the bad taste of the Blood Nog from my mouth. The pitcher of Lagunitas IPA to wash it down didn't hurt, either.

--The movie was way crazier and more hilarious than I remember it being in high school. Also, still very very disturbing. As any movie with Santa Claus raping and murdering a mother of two children is bound to be.

--In fact, I remember renting this video when I was a sophomore in high school, and inviting a couple of friends over to watch it. They were so grossed out, they actually made me turn it off.

--The point at which they made me turn it off, which is also the highlight of the film: when scream queen Linnea Quigley, topless and wearing cutoff Lee Jeans shorts, gets impaled on the antlers of a stuffed reindeer head.

--Actually, the highlight of the film may come a couple minutes later, when Linnea Quigley's younger sister comes downstairs to talk to Santa Claus. She tells him she's been good, and he gives her a gift: a bloody boxcutter, which he previously used to murder the object of his affection.

--Me, in the theater, when that happened: "Well, now she's got something to open her other presents with!"

--At that point, I probably had had the equivalent of four shots of Jack Daniels. Cut me some slack.

--The psychological abuse which the main character, Billy, aka the Santa Claus Killer, endures throughout this film is truly epic. When he's maybe five years old, he witnesses his father getting shot in the head, and his mother getting raped and her throat slit by a freak wearing a Santa Claus outfit. When he's a few years older, and living in a Catholic orphanage, the Mother Superior punishes him brutally for drawing violent Christmas pictures, and for spying on a couple having sex. I'm sure that's not going to come back and haunt him!!!

--Final line, after crazy Billy/Santa Claus is shot before he can put an axe through Mother Superior's face, as uttered by a bystanding orphan: "NAUGHTY!!!" I smell sequel!

--The host of Terror Thursday, while introducing the film, said that they were showing a Santa Claus murder rampage movie around Christmas because there's no such thing as a Jesus murder rampage movie.

--YET. Forrest and I decided to make one ourselves after the movie was over. I've already come up with the title, and I tell you it on the understanding that I will sue the shit out of you if you steal it.

--The title: GOLD, FRANKINCENSE, AND MYRRH-DER.

--Look for it Christmas 2009. Tagline: "Jesus is risen... and this time, it's PERSONAL!"