MOVIES: House of the Dead

Speaking of that actress I refuse to name again, a lot of the search queries I've been getting have included the phrase "House of the Dead". (Not to be confused with House of the Ded). And, yes, this actress appeared in that film. (And she does get naked in it, so you're on the right track, search engine people, but you ain't gonna find anything here. Try a Google Image Search, you stupid bastards.)

Oh, that film. That horrible, horrible film. Now, I've seen a lot of bad movies. I've seen a lot of horror movies. I've seen a lot of bad horror movies. But House of the Dead may very well be the single worst film I have ever seen, horror or non-horror. And that's including on MST3K. In fact, it may be the single worst thing ever to exist. (Opus: "Well, maybe it wasn't that bad, but Lord, it wasn't good.")

When I watched the DVD earlier this year, I had to keep taking breaks from its hateful idiocy. And each time I took a break, I wrote a little bit about the movie in my other blog. I'd like now to share with you those posts, in the hope that all who read them will avoid the tragic mistake of viewing this cinematic crime against humanity. Note: as bad as I make it sound, and as many bad things about it that I list, the truth is it is actually much, much worse.

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House of the Dead Break #1

Taking a break from watching the painfully stupid House of the Dead, currently listed at #28 on IMDb's bottom 100. The director has carved out a bizarre little niche for himself: the horror-film-based-on-a-video-game genre. (He is in post-production on Alone in the Dark, and his next announced project is Bloodrayne. What's after that, Ghosts n Goblins?)



It's very sad when you can honestly say that a movie is wasting Clint Howard's talents. And didn't Jürgen Prochnow used to be a somewhat reputable actor? He was in Das Boot, for Christ's sake! Now he's following one horrible film based on a video game with another.

I am enjoying in an ironic way how everyone who asks a question in this movie ends up dead. "What is that?" "Where are you?" "Did you hear something?" Dead, dead, dead. Declarative statements only on Zombie Island, please.

Also of note is the shameless fashion in which the film revels in the degradation of women -- and one woman in particular, who is vomited on directly in her face, then, when she's cleaning her top in the sink (no bra for this liberated gal!), Clint Howard enters the room. Instead of covering herself, she turns around and gives him a lingering, unobstructed view of her bare breasticles. "You like what you see there, perv?" she demands. I don't know if she's talking to Clint, me, or the director. I'll speak for all three of us: uh, yeah.

By the way, that was a question, young lady. I'd start writing my last will, if I were you.

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House of the Dead Break #2

The five survivors are holed up in a cabin surrounded by zombies. They're low on ammo, and one of them has been bitten by a zombie. But wait! There's hope!

"Guys, check out this book!" says one of them. "It looks pretty old, maybe it'll help us."

That is where my brain, motivated by self-preservation, forced me to stop the movie and leave the room.

"It looks pretty old, maybe it'll help us."

Yes, that makes logical sense. Of course a random book, found by chance, will help you out of whatever situation you might be in, by sheer virtue of its being old. Don't bother reading it, or even finding out what kind of book it is, before announcing your discovery to the group.

"It's a book about defeating an island full of zombies?"

"I assume so, due to the fact that it is old."

"Don't you think you might want to, I don't know, skim the first couple of pages before jumping to any conclusions?"

"Maybe I haven't made myself clear: it's a book. And it's old. Problem solved."

"This... this is an atlas of Portugal! And it's written in Portuguese! Can you even read Portuguese?"

"I said: PROBLEM SOLVED."

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House of the Dead Break #3

Actual dialogue:

"You created it all so you could be immortal. Why?"

"To live forever."

Oh... kay.

As opposed to that other kind of immortal, which means of or relating to egg-bearing animals. No, wait, it means the irrational fear of clowns. No, wait, it means two words spelled the same, but pronounced differently. No, wait, it means TO LIVE FOREVER, you fucking idiot.