Lord, I was born a ramblin' man, or, I still hate Charles Taylor

I'll be leaving on another mini-vacation this afternoon, so I'll be out of computer range until at least Saturday night, more likely Sunday. Which means today is my last chance to post any top ten lists before the New Year! Oh me oh my!

And yet, I'll be using this post to complain about somebody else's top ten list. Two somebodies, actually. Charles Taylor and Stephanie Zacharek, Salon.com's movie critics.

I've written before about how much I hate Charles Taylor. He's insane. He's just out of his frickin' mind. And Zacharek isn't that much better. So why do I torture myself by reading anything they write? Sadly, I'm addicted to year-end top ten lists. I devour every one I come across. And together, they have listed their top ten films of 2004 (Salon Day Pass required to read article). How could I not read it? And how could I not then vent about it?

Zacharek goes first. Let's see, she's got Before Sunset at #1 -- haven't seen it, heard good things, that might be valid. House of Flying Daggers, Hotel Rwanda, uh-huh, uh-huh, something called Last Life in the Universe at #4 and I'll Sleep When I'm Dead at #5 -- never heard of 'em, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then at #6: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Hmm. Kind of a silly, lightweight choice, but I guess everyone's allowed to have one whimsical pick in their top ten. But she follows it with The Incredibles -- which I agree is great -- in a tie for #7 with... The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. What?

Now, I like Spongebob (I really do, Fred, please don't hate me! Oh, by the way, I appreciate your recent link; very nice of you), but this is an allegedly serious film critic making the argument that of the 400+ movies released domestically this past year, only seven were equal to or better than The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. You have got to be kidding!

But there's more! At #8: Hellboy! What?? And at #10, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle! WHAT??? Oh my sweet lord!! She's insane! She is absolutely, certifiably insane. I can understand, if you've only seen ten movies, how Harold & Kumar might make it on your list. But this is (again, allegedly) a serious film critic. Saying that a dopey, raunchy, stoner comedy (which I enjoyed, yes, but come on, let's have some perspective) is the tenth best movie she's seen all year is just wrong. It's just wrong. Yes, I am saying that her personal subjective opinion is demonstrably wrong. I am saying that she can not be trusted to form her own opinions.

Yikes. Well, surely Charles Taylor came up with a better list!

And you know what? He did. House of Flying Daggers and Hero tied for #1. The Dreamers at #2. I haven't seen all the films on his list, but they all seem justifiably worthy of praise to me.

Until we hit #10. In Charles Taylor's eyes, the tenth best film of 2004 is: 13 Going on 30. Having trouble remembering that one? I don't blame you. Let me refresh your memory: it's Big, with a chick. Yeah, that one. Tenth best film of the past twelve months, according to Taylor.

Now, I haven't seen 13 Going on 30. So perhaps I am not qualified to judge. But that ain't gonna stop me: I judge thee, Charles Taylor!! I judge thee, and find you lacking!!

"Jennifer Garner," he says (in the same trademark lunatic overstatement which made him declare Shallow Hal was "one of the loveliest, most affecting, and most emotionally satisfying of American film comedies"), "gives the kind of performance that made earlier movie audiences fall in love with Carole Lombard, Margaret Sullavan and, before that, Marion Davies." In a movie where she does the Michael Jackson "Thriller" dance. Wow. Just... wow. I can't wait to see Taylor's review of Elektra!

What's more, in his Honorable Mentions section, he also names Harold & Kumar (why am I not surprised?), as well as Bernie Mac's Mr. 3000. Dude. What the hell does this guy have to do to get his critic's license revoked? Taylor needs to go lie down for a while. Mr. 3000? This is clearly a cry for help from a very sick mind.