Thursday, June 22, 2006

MOVIES: Let's all hate some classics

This week the AV Club published a very fun and interesting article: The Eject Button: Classic Movies It's Okay To Hate. The various critics at the Club each picked a couple of films generally regarded as classics, then briefly examined the reputation of the films and why it was okay to hate them. Then another critic would offer up a rebuttal defense of each film. (My favorite bit, in response to Tasha Robinson's take down of The Big Lebowski: "Dissent from everyone else: No. This is just very, very wrong.")

I think the only one of these I really agree on is Nathan Rabin's criticism of Star Wars. I still don't think I'd say I hate it, but really: it's not a good film. It's just not. You know it isn't. Don't even try to front.

Anyhoo. The point of this is, I've got a couple films I'd like to add to this list. In fact, I blogged about one fairly recently: His Girl Friday, which a lot of people love to pieces (it's currently #232 on IMDb's top 250), and which I pretty much hated.

Another classic I am not a fan of: High Noon (#101 on IMDb's top 250). I thought it was boring as hell. Probably, this is partly because I was overly familiar with the plot, which has been done to death since then -- lone man standing up against a gang of villains coming to kill him -- but partly because it's simply boring as hell. And I say this despite the presence of Grace Kelly, the most beautiful woman ever to have lived.

I shouldn't even have to mention this one, because its wretchedness should be obvious to anyone with at least the brains of a chimp: My Big Fat Boring Stupid Unfunny Greek Wedding. Why did everyone love this movie? Why?? It's AWFUL. It is GODAWFUL. I've ranted against this movie before (most notably in my list of things I don't get), but it bears saying as long as a single person still lives who thought this was a good movie: you are wrong, and you must be punished.

Ditto to Titanic. It's been nearly ten years since the law was passed requiring every person on earth to see this film or be executed. Can we now speak freely: it sucked so hard. Probably, if you weren't a thirteen-year-old girl when it was released, you agree, so maybe this isn't the most controversial statement I've ever made. But come on: highest-grossing movie ever, and it had dialogue one of those infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters would be embarrassed to have written. And the acting -- holy CRAP. There was a time I liked Billy Zane, and that time was before his horrible, hammy performance in Titanic. And Leonardo DiCaprio -- wow. Just wow. Really, thirteen-year-old girls? That's what set your hearts and panties aflutter? Mr. "I'm the king of the world"? Well, good for you, I guess. But ten years later, I have to ask: do any of you still feel that way? And why?

Another fairly recent one: Fight Club. It's #32 on the top 250. Thirty-fucking-two! By comparison: Rashomon is #61. Raging Bull is #71. The Searchers is way down at #235!! The Goddam Searchers!! Look: Fight Club was okay. It was just okay. But some people -- especially some of you freaky internet people -- worship this film. Worship it. Like, you think if you can quote enough lines, you'll actually get to join Brad Pitt's anarchy gang or something. Well, I'm here to tell you: you can't. Get over it.

And one final, inexplicably popular thing which really, really sucks: Carlos Mencia. I know, he's not technically a movie. But he is the lamest, shittiest, most unfunny hack ever to disgrace the world of comedy, and that fact bears repeating at any time, for any reason, until he goes away forever. Seriously, he makes Larry the Cable Guy look like Bill Hicks. CARLOS MENCIA SUCKS ASS. DO NOT EVER WATCH CARLOS MENCIA EVER, EVER, EVER AGAIN. You have been warned.

Any suggestions for other classics it's okay to hate?

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