Alright! So I'm back! Now I quit again!!!

Hey ho! I'm back from vacation! Miss me?

And I'm sick! On New Year's Eve! Whee!

That is all.

COMICS: Top Ten of 2005

Okay, let's see if I've got time enough to complete this post.

I don't post about comics nearly as much as most of the people linked in my sidebar do, and when I do post about them, I don't have that much to say. But I still read a ton of 'em. I've probably forgotten some great comics released over the past year, but I'm doing my best to give credit where it's due. Forgive my faulty memory if I make any glaring omissions. So! Here's a quick rundown of ten great comics released in the past year, in alphabetical order.

All-Star Superman
It only took one issue to put this in my Top Ten. For me, this was the diametric opposite of All-Star Batman and Robin -- Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely did everything right that Frank Miller and Jim Lee did wrong. They've restored the spectacle, the wonder, the weirdness, and the sheer imagination that Superman deserves.

Banana Sunday
Root Nibot & Colleen Coover's mini-series about three talking monkeys and their beleaguered high school-aged caretaker was silly, giddy, cartoony, and unapologetic about it. I loved it. I demand more tales of Knobby, Chuck, and Go-Go!

Colonia: On Into the Great Lands
The second collection of Jeff Nicholson's all-ages adventure series continues the journey of a group of funny, likeable characters and various magical beasts through a richly imagined alternate history of America.

Dorothy
Gorgeous fumetti (again, if that is the right word, and also again, I don't really care if it is) comic from Mark Masterson and Greg Mannino, reimagining the world of Oz as a much darker and more dangerous place. The most recent issue, featuring the Scarecrow's heartbreaking story, is a masterpiece.

Grimjack
I waited a long, long, long time for John Ostrander and Timothy Truman to bring back John Gaunt, and I was not disappointed. The mini-series Killer Instinct revealed new depths to the character's already incredibly rich background, while serving up all the hard-boiled dialogue and bloody action that made the original series so great, and the TPB series of reprints of the old stuff is a welcome addition to my library. I reread the old stuff so often, it's nice to now have it in convenient book form. Although I wish they had included all the Munden's Bar backups.

Runaways
Brian K. Vaughan and Adrian Alphona picked up after this book's hiatus right where they left off, with humor, teen angst, clever plot twists, some nifty guest appearances, and fantastic artwork.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Maybe not quite as wonderful as Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life, but the second volume of Brian Lee O'Malley's tales of a slacker musician who has giant video game/kung fu movie-inspired battles with his girlfriend's ex-boyfriends was still funnier, crazier and more original than just about anything else I've read this year. I was a latecomer to the Scott Pilgrim craze, but I'm now hopelessly hooked.

She-Hulk
Dan Slott and Juan Bobillo bring back the gamma-irradiated lawyer for a second go-round, and I hope it catches on this time. Very funny, self-referencing take on superheroing.

Spider-Man/Human Torch
Dan Slott and Ty Templeton's journeys through Marvel history were the most enjoyable superhero comics I read all year, bar none. Poking fun at the classic tales of Lee, Kirby, Ditko, etc., while maintaining obvious fondness and respect, and creating wonderful new stories set during various points in the evolution of Spidey, the Torch, and their relationship with one another -- it's sheer comic book joy.

Y: The Last Man
This Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra series spent 2005 gearing up for its grand finale, sending Yorick across the globe, revealing his secret to the world, and establishing dramatic changes to a number of supporting characters.

Those are the top ten, in no particular order, but above and beyond all of them, standing as the absolute best comic work I read in 2005:

The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck
I called it in July! And I said all that I need to say about it in my original review. This collected edition of Don Rosa's history of the richest duck in the world is the best comic of 2005 -- even if it collects comics originally published in 1994. Hey, they were new to me, that's all that matters. This is a tremendous achievement, and a true must-read.

Whew! I'm glad I got that up before I left. Maybe I'll have time for the Top Ten movies later tonight!

TV: Top Ten of 2005

NOTE: Edited to add one very funny show I forgot -- I'll call it #8A. My bad!

SECOND NOTE: Edited again because I had two #7s in my Top Ten. KEE-RIST! Doesn't anybody edit this blog? It's a good thing nobody reads this crap, or somebody might have noticed it by now. I guess now I've got a 7A and an 8A. I've got twelve items in my Top Ten. I'm an idiot.

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Welp, it's that time of the year.

I love year-end top ten lists (even though, as I might've mentioned, the music ones leave me a little lost these days). I love reading 'em, I love making 'em. I get a kick out of discovering what other people thought was worthy in the previous twelve months (so I can either agree or call them idiots), and I love challenging myself to recall my own preferences.

I'll try to get to movies and comics before I leave on vacation (don't count on it), but I'll start off with the medium that I spend most of my entertainment time on, television. Here's what I thought were the best ten TV shows of the last year, with some additional notes as the mood strikes me.

The Top Ten

1. Deadwood
The show that made me sign up for HBO. Dialogue like Shakespeare channeled through George Carlin, plotlines as sinuous as the snakes who inhabit the town, characters who embody both sinner and saint, often at the same time, and an acting ensemble which, from top to bottom, may be unparalleled in quality in all of television. Season 2 opened with a sequence of shockingly brutal violence, and the closing episodes centered on the heartbreaking loss of a loved one; both signaled big changes for the town of Deadwood, and the series, and both were impossible to look away from. Al Swearengen is the best character on TV, and Ian McShane, the best actor. I can't wait for Season 3!

2. Battlestar Galactica
Maybe I just have a soft spot for great sci-fi. I mean, is this really better than my #3 and #4 picks? It is to me. Forget the evil robots and space battles, this is a great drama, period -- but those evil robots and space battles sure are frakkin' cool, too. Chock full of moral and psychological dilemmas, and characters who define the struggle of humanity -- even the inhuman characters. Especially them. It's a thrilling space adventure, and it's a deeply moving portrait of a group of lost souls trying to find a home.

3. Arrested Development
The funniest sitcom on TV, and one of the best of all time. Honestly, if you're not watching this show by now, well, #1, you probably don't have much time left, and #2, I don't know what else I can say, other than you're missing out on genius. Recently there have been reports that Showtime is looking into saving the series from its apparent cancellation by Fox. I'll tell you right now: that is the only conceivable thing that could get me to sign up for Showtime. Which I would, in a heartbeat.

4. Rome
See, this is another reason -- along with Deadwood -- why HBO is essential, and Showtime is not. (Not yet, anyway!) This was another notch in HBO's belt, full of sex and profanity and violence, as only HBO can do, but also full of intrigue and wit and heartbreak and wonderful characters and compelling drama on an epic scale. After a bit of a slow (but still interesting) start, it took off like a rocket, and it carried me along on quite a ride.

5. Veronica Mars
This is how you do it. This is how a show built around mystery works. After a tremendously satisfying conclusion to last season's year-long whodunnit, Veronica Mars opened its second season with another riveting long-term case, this time the intentional crashing and killing of an entire busload of high schoolers, apparently orchestrated to target Veronica herself. Great characters (except Wallace's new girlfriend -- jettison her ASAP), great humor, great teen angst, and great puzzles that play fair with the audience. No sophomore slump for Veronica.

6. Over There
The most disappointing cancellation of the year not on Fox. But it was on FX -- same thing! Stupid Fox!! This was a gritty, gripping war story, the first TV series ever to depict a war currently being waged. The characters began as stock cliches -- the brainy one, the hoodlum one, the farmboy one -- but they all transcended their origins to become strikingly original personalities, all struggling to stay alive in a world where sudden, unexpected, horrific violence is the norm. Great, great stuff, and shame on FX for not bringing it back.

7. House, M.D.
Dr. Gregory House is the cantankerousest bastard ever to cantankerously bastard his way across the TV screen. And bless his cantankerous bastard heart for it. Hugh Laurie's House is the best thing to happen to the medical drama since E.R. dropped a helicopter on Dr. Romano. He's always so very, very wrong in being right. And he's always fascinating.

7A. Lost
It had a sluggish ending to its first season, and its second season, though it's had its high points, has spent a lot of time retracing its own steps. And Ana Lucia really, really needs to retire the bitch face. But the overarching mystery of the island continues to intrigue, the pairing of mystery men Locke and Eko looks to be promising, and the Jack/Kate/Sawyer triangle is as soapily entertaining as ever.

8. The Office
Once Arrested is pulled from the air by Fox, The Office will become the best sitcom on TV. It's already giving it a run for its money, with smart, sharply observant comedy, sometimes cruel and awkward, sometimes warm and human. I never really got into the British original, but the American redo has won me over completely.

8A. How I Met Your Mother
I forgot this show first time round, so instead of bumping something from the top ten, I thought I'd just sneak this one in while no one was looking. Aside from a couple forays into flashbacks or split-screens, this is an incredibly traditional sitcom, but it's so damn good. Highly entertaining ensemble, highlighted by Neil Patrick Harris, whose Barney is the funniest new character of the year; he deserves serious attention come Emmys time. The only flaw is the conceit of telling the story from the future. Those Bob Saget voiceovers should be dumped.

9. The Shield
Even though it had a great season, featuring an intense Glenn Close, The Shield doesn't quite hold me in its grip as strongly as it used to. But it's still terrifically powerful stuff, and Vic Mackie is TV's best anti-hero not located in the Old West.

10. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
I didn't care for this show in the beginning, but it quickly won me over with its brazenly loutish characters, who can always be relied on to do the wrong thing in the most hilarious fashion possible. Fortunately, it escaped cancellation-happy FX to survive into a second season in 2006.

Runners-Up

The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert's new companion piece to The Daily Show, a skewering of pompous pundits, has yet to become essential viewing, but his first fifteen minutes are almost always worth watching -- especially "The Word". If only his interviews weren't so completely unwatchable.

Entourage
Almost made the top ten. Jeremy Piven's Ari Gold is the funniest TV character not on Arrested Development.

My Name Is Earl
The best new broadcast network sitcom, anchored by a hilarious Jason Lee. [EDIT: Second best. See #8A above.]

Scrubs
Originally in my top ten. Might've stayed there if I hadn't kept remembering other great shows, and if it hadn't been so damn long since I've seen a new episode. Out of sight, out of mind, Scrubs. Sorry. Blame NBC.

Stella
Absurdist comedy from three alumni of The State, packed with hysterical guest appearances from the likes of Edward Norton, Janeane Garofalo, and Paul Rudd.

Boy, I'd been thinking that it had been a weak year for shows debuting in 2005, but I've got three new shows in my Top Ten (or four shows in the Top Eleven Twelve), and another three in my next five. Maybe it just seemed so bad because of all the crappy shows I watched during the Fall premiere season to review here, which I wouldn't otherwise have watched in a million years. (Yes, I mean Freddie.)

Might've Had a Shot If I Had Watched Them

The Closer
Everybody Hates Chris
Nip/Tuck
Rescue Me
The Wire

Biggest Missteps

Alias: Killing off Vaughn was the first step toward killing off the show -- which indeed will now end this season.

Desperate Housewives: Practically everything in the second season, but primarily not having a new compelling mystery to keep my interest.

Gilmore Girls: Where hasn't it gone wrong this year? Turning Rory into a bratty little shit; making the loathsome Logan a regular castmember (he's so awful, he made the guest appearance of Jess, whom I hated so much during his original tenure on the show, seem like the return of an old friend); giving Luke a daughter; and that goddam dog. Lorelai's allegedly funny pampering of the dog kills the show stone cold dead every single time. This show is hanging by a very thin thread.

Cancelling Arrested.

Postponing Scrubs.

Renewing Joey.

Best Discovery of an Already Cancelled Series

Dead Like Me, on DVD

Firefly, on the Sci-Fi Channel

Ten Unforgettable Moments

24: Sour, sullen Chloe -- good for nothing but whining, complaining, and wearing her bitch face -- whips out a machine gun and mows down a terrorist.

Alias: "My name's not Michael Vaughn."

Battlestar Galactica: Meek, mousy little Cally puts a bullet into would-be assassin Boomer's chest.

The Colbert Report: Stephen can't remember how the song "Stay" goes, so he asks randomly cameoing Lisa Loeb to sing a few bars.

Deadwood: Swearengen greets Bullock's family, who interrupt him as he's just about to murder Bullock. "Welcome to fuckin' Deadwood!"

Entourage: Bob Saget plays himself as an egomaniacal, whoring drug fiend.

Justice League Unlimited: With the rest of the team down for the count, Flash defeats Brainiac single-handedly.

Over There: An enemy soldier's torso gets blown off -- and his legs keep running.

Rome: Lucius Vorenus leaps into the arena to save Titus Pullo's life. "Thirteen! Thirteen!!"

The Shield: Anthony Anderson's Antwon Mitchell frames Shane by killing a little girl with Shane's own gun.

Tom the Dog's TV Hall of Fame

2005: The Daily Show

I feel like I've written about this program so much, it's kind of taken for granted that it's one of my very favorites. In fact, I consider it one of the all-time greats -- a landmark in television. Beginning with its brilliant coverage of the 2000 election, "Indecision 2000" -- which began shortly after the smart, hip, funny, personable Jon Stewart took over for walking smug-factory Craig Kilborn -- it's become essential viewing for one and all, even when you don't like what it has to say about your own political viewpoint (maybe especially then). It's the sharpest political and media satire of this generation (maybe of my entire life), it delivers more laughs per week than any other show on TV (I include the "weekly" caveat to set it apart from Arrested -- which has more laughs per half hour... but TDS delivers two hours of comedy per week), and half the time (at least), it's smarter and more incisive than actual news programs, which these days are more likely to blindly report press briefings than do any kind of meaningful analysis. It's a keeper. And I've decided to grant it my first (and last?) annual Hall of Fame award. Huzzah!

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This may be it for 2005. I hope not, but I've got too much real life stuff to do. So in case I don't get the chance to post here again, have a happy holiday of your choice (or just enjoy the day off), and have a happy new year.

Sidebar Update: Christmas Edition

This'll probably be my last sidebar update for the year. I'm leaving on vacation on Thursday, and not returning till right before New Year's Eve, when I'll probably have other things to occupy me aside from the sidebar. (Hint: getting drunk.)

Ever Carradine just knocks me out. She was part of one of my favorite TV shows of the past decade, one which was sadly cancelled long before its time, Lucky. She's currently on Commander in Chief. And she was in Dead & Breakfast, an... interesting indie horror film released last year. I recently rented it, and about the best thing I can say for it is that it had Ever Carradine in it. It was going for different and funny and original, and it just misfired in so very many ways. The picture on the sidebar has her in her smoldering, sexy mode, but what I dig about her is how she so often has a big goofy grin on her face. Here, check out these bonus pictures to see what I mean:



Adorable!

I'll be reading Quicksilver for a good long while (assuming I don't give up on it again). I've got about twenty books in the backlog, ready to go next. Maybe I'll start showing preview pictures of upcoming books, just so that Quicksilver picture doesn't sit there forever.

I hope to see King Kong sometime before the New Year. I'm not counting on it, though. It's far more likely I'll be watching a video of Dora the Explorer about 8,000 times, at the demand of the world's cutest niece, whom I'll be visiting on vacation.

It's a Shame About Ray is one of the all-time great feel-good albums, one which I've been missing for a long time, and finally re-purchased this week. Every song is so upbeat and catchy and fun. Evan Dando's lyrics are great, funny and clever and weird and wacky -- for example, the opening track, "Rockin' Stroll," is written from the point of view of a baby in a stroller. For Lyric of the Week, I used a line from a Lemonheads song not actually on this album. I first heard "The Outdoor Type" in the movie The Tao of Steve, which is a great, offbeat, romantic comedy starring Donal Logue. It very much sums up my own opinions on the not-so-great outdoors.

And I'm hating that accursed Grinch! His brain is full of spiders, I understand; I have it on the best authority that he's got garlic in his soul. I wouldn't touch him with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole! Give Christmas back to Whoville, Grinch!!

MUSIC: The AV Club's Top Ten Lists

Or: A Look At Tom's Musical Ignorance

The Onion's AV Club released their 2005: The Year In Music feature this week. And, as always, it frightened and confused me. Who the hell are all these people? And why does everyone seem to know them but me?

I swear I used to know about music. There was a time when no matter how obscure you got, not only did I know of them, I could trump you with an even more obscure name. Therapy?, anybody? How about some Pegboy? Or try some Whirling Dervishes on for size. See? There was a time when I knew this stuff. And that time was called "college." It's long gone.

Eight critics each picked their top ten albums of the year. Of the 61* different albums they named, here is how they break down in terms of my knowledge of them. It's very sad. Play along with me, and feel superior!

Never Heard Of Them

Andrew Bird, The Mysterious Production Of Eggs
Animal Collective, Feels
Antony And The Johnsons, I Am A Bird Now
Atmosphere, You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having
Big Pooh, Sleepers
Bloc Party, Silent Alarm
Boom Bap Project, Reprogram
Bright Eyes, I'm Wide Awake It's Morning
Broken Social Scene, Broken Social Scene
Chad VanGaalen, Infiniheart
Clem Snide, End Of Love
Common, Be
Constantines, Tournament Of Hearts
Criteria, When We Break
Crooked Fingers, Dignity And Shame
Danger Doom, The Mouse And The Mask
The Deadly Snakes, Porcella
Dominik Eulberg, Kreucht & Fleucht
Edan, Beauty And The Beat
Four Tet, Everything Ecstatic
The Go! Team, Thunder, Lightning, Strike
The Hold Steady, Separation Sunday
Iron & Wine and Calexico, In The Reins
Jamie Lidell, Multiply
Kings Of Leon, Aha Shake Heartbreak
Konono No. 1, Congotronics
Latterman, No Matter Where We Go...!
LCD Soundsystem, LCD Soundsystem
Little Brother, The Minstrel Show
Maria Taylor, 11:11
Matias Aguayo, Are You Really Lost
Maxïmo Park, A Certain Trigger
My Morning Jacket, Z
The National, Alligator
Out Hud, Let Us Never Speak Of It Again
The Perceptionists, The Perceptionists
Quasimoto, The Further Adventures Of Lord Quas
Rogue Wave, Descended Like Vultures
Sarah Lee Guthrie & Johnny Irion, Exploration (well, I've heard of the name "Guthrie," but not this Guthrie)
Sun Kil Moon, Tiny Cities
Supersystem, Always Never Again
Troubled Hubble, Making Beds In A Burning House
Zion I, True & Livin'

Heard Of, But Never Heard Their Music

The Decemberists, Picaresque
Low, The Great Destroyer
The New Pornographers, Twin Cinema
Sigur Ros, Takk...
Sufjan Stevens, Illinois

Heard Of, And Heard Some Of Their Music

Bob Dylan, No Direction Home: The Soundtrack
Bob Mould, Body Of Song
Coldplay, X&Y
Death Cab For Cutie, Plans
Eels, Blinking Lights And Other Revelations
Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine
Gwen Stefani, Love. Angel. Music. Baby.
Kanye West, Late Registration
Ryan Adams & The Cardinals, Cold Roses
Sleater-Kinney, The Woods
The White Stripes, Get Behind Me Satan

Heard Of, And Own The Actual Album

Foo Fighters, In Your Honor

Albums I'm Buying For My Mom For Christmas

Neil Diamond, 12 Songs

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*This used to say 60 different albums, which only further indicates my ignorance. I had one line that said:

Animal Collective, Feels Out Hud, Let Us Never Speak Of It Again

That was my screw-up when formatting this post. It should actually be two different items:

Animal Collective, Feels
Out Hud, Let Us Never Speak Of It Again

The fact I didn't notice anything wrong just proves how clueless I am. To some people, I'm sure that's as obvious a gaffe as if I had said, "I really love that album, Quadrophenia, by that group The Beatles Let It Be The Who."

Golden Globe Nominations

The Golden Globe nominations were announced on Monday morning, which seems kind of early to me, like a pathetic bid for attention before the critics' top ten lists start coming out, and before the Oscar campaign really gets into gear, but whatever. I guess I have to pay attention to them, since I'm committed to doing a minute-by-minute recap of the show, like I did last year. So here are the nominees in each category (or at least the categories I give a rat's ass about), with a few of my notes on each.

BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
MATCH POINT

There's been a little bit of a fuss over Brokeback Mountain's seven nominations, and whether that means a gay-themed film can finally with the Best Picture Oscar. Which bugs me. First of all, it presumes that the Golden Globes mean anything, or even make a damn bit of sense, which, as we all should know, they do not. And secondly, it takes as granted the superiority of Brokeback, or the other movies they name (like Philadelphia or Kiss of the Spider Woman); it suggests the only way those films could've lost (or failed to be nominated) was due to a deliberate, homophobic slight by the Academy. Maybe they're right; maybe the Academy gave the Oscar to Tom Hanks for Best Actor, but not to Philadelphia for Best Picture, just to teach those goddam gays a lesson! I don't really see it that way. And I don't care for it when people turn award season into agenda season. (As for the opposing agenda, the conservatives who condemn the movie -- well, they're blatant, hateful idiots who can more easily be dismissed.)

Anyhoo. Haven't seen it. Maybe it is just that good. I also haven't seen the other four nominees. I'll never see The Constant Gardener (I'm yawning just typing the name), but I'll probably eventually see the others. The one I really wish I'd seen by now is A History of Violence. Cronenberg rules. And Match Point -- that's the Woody Allen movie? Is it even released yet? And it's a drama? Weird.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

MARIA BELLO - A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
FELICITY HUFFMAN - TRANSAMERICA
GWYNETH PALTROW - PROOF
CHARLIZE THERON - NORTH COUNTRY
ZIYI ZHANG - MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA

Aside from History, I have no desire to see any of these films. Not even Geisha, which features Ziyi Zhang (or Zhang Ziyi, depending on the day of the week, apparently) and Michelle Yeoh. Yowza.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

RUSSELL CROWE - CINDERELLA MAN
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN - CAPOTE
TERRENCE HOWARD - HUSTLE & FLOW
HEATH LEDGER - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
DAVID STRATHAIRN - GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

Man, I haven't frickin' seen any movies. Philip Seymour Hoffman, in general, is awesome. I hope he wins.

BEST MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
PRIDE & PREJUDICE
THE PRODUCERS
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
WALK THE LINE

What the hell is Mrs. Henderson Presents? Okay, research, research... here we go. Hmm... Judi Dench, Bob Hoskins, Christopher Guest, and nudity (hopefully none of it theirs). Sounds good to me!

This is where the Golden Globes start falling apart for me. "Musical or Comedy" is such an odd category to begin with. Then, the things that get dumped in this category -- I'm pretty sure Pride & Prejudice is a romantic drama. Just because Keira Knightley makes adorable little scrunchy faces doesn't make it a screwball comedy. And Walk the Line is not a musical! It's a drama with songs in it. In a musical, the story is advanced by dialogue in song form, with lyrics specifically pertaining to the plot. The Producers is a musical. (And a comedy!) Walk the Line is not. (Nor was last year's Ray, for that matter.) Frickin' Hollywood Foreign Press.

I haven't seen any of these either. I plan on seeing Walk the Line tonight. And I really want to see The Squid and the Whale.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

JUDI DENCH - MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY - PRIDE & PREJUDICE
LAURA LINNEY - THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
SARAH JESSICA PARKER - THE FAMILY STONE
REESE WITHERSPOON - WALK THE LINE

Sarah Jessica Parker? For The Family Stone? Really? You miss nominating her for Sex and the City that much? Cripes.

If Reese Witherspoon doesn't win this (and the Oscar) in a walk, I'll eat my hat. (It is a chocolate hat, I should admit.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

PIERCE BROSNAN - THE MATADOR
JEFF DANIELS - THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
JOHNNY DEPP - CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
NATHAN LANE - THE PRODUCERS
CILLIAN MURPHY - BREAKFAST ON PLUTO
JOAQUIN PHOENIX - WALK THE LINE

What the hell is The Matador? Researching... done. Wow, great cast. I love me some Hope Davis. That might actually be good.

As much as I like Johnny Depp, he was pretty weak in Charlie. His Wonka just never worked for me. And I'm sure Nathan Lane is very funny in The Producers, but he should never be cast as a woman-chaser. It's as distracting and ridiculous as when Ellen DeGeneres plays a man-chaser.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

KUNG FU HUSTLE (CHINA)
MASTER OF THE CRIMSON ARMOR aka THE PROMISE (CHINA)
MERRY CHRISTMAS (JOYEUX NOEL) (FRANCE)
PARADISE NOW (PALESTINE)
TSOTSI (SOUTH AFRICA)

I'm just so amused that Kung Fu Hustle is up for an award like this.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

SCARLETT JOHANSSON - MATCH POINT
SHIRLEY MacLAINE - IN HER SHOES
FRANCES McDORMAND - NORTH COUNTRY
RACHEL WEISZ - THE CONSTANT GARDENER
MICHELLE WILLIAMS - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

I haven't seen any of these movies. That said, Scarlett Johansson wins. She always wins.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

GEORGE CLOONEY - SYRIANA
MATT DILLON - CRASH
WILL FERRELL - THE PRODUCERS
PAUL GIAMATTI - CINDERELLA MAN
BOB HOSKINS - MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS

God damn it, why haven't I seen any of these movies? Paul Giamatti should win, just because he keeps getting screwed over by the Oscars.

BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE

WOODY ALLEN - MATCH POINT
GEORGE CLOONEY - GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
PETER JACKSON - KING KONG
ANG LEE - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
FERNANDO MEIRELLES - THE CONSTANT GARDENER
STEVEN SPIELBERG - MUNICH

It's interesting to see King Kong and Munich here, when neither film seems to be nominated for anything else. I wonder if Match Point is actually any good, or if people just want it to be good, just want to believe that Woody Allen still has it.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA

COMMANDER IN CHIEF (ABC)
GREY'S ANATOMY (ABC)
LOST (ABC)
PRISON BREAK (FOX)
ROME (HBO)

As we enter the TV categories, here's where things really go to shit. Prison Break? I mean, I like it and all, as a dopey diversion, but -- are you fucking kidding me?? Prison Break, Grey's Anatomy, and Commander in Chief, but no Deadwood? No The Shield? At least they got Rome right, but that's probably only because its season just ended. If Deadwood had aired in October, instead of March, it would be up there. These people have no memories. Or they suck. Or both.

Prison Break. Jesus.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA

PATRICIA ARQUETTE - MEDIUM
GLENN CLOSE - THE SHIELD
GEENA DAVIS - COMMANDER IN CHIEF
KYRA SEDGWICK - THE CLOSER
POLLY WALKER - ROME

I am so goddam sick of Patricia Arquette. This should come down to Glenn Close or Polly Walker. I still haven't seen The Closer. I should check that out.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA

PATRICK DEMPSEY - GREY'S ANATOMY
MATTHEW FOX - LOST
HUGH LAURIE - HOUSE
WENTWORTH MILLER - PRISON BREAK
KIEFER SUTHERLAND - 24

Frickin' Prison Break.

Hugh Laurie should win in a landslide. Should. Which probably means Kiefer Sutherland will win again. And Matthew Fox -- have you noticed he's becoming a worse actor as the series progresses? Lately he's been falling back into his old Party of Five tics, like asking a question in a really patronizing manner, and then saying the person's name he's talking to as if it were a second question. "You want to tell me what that was all about? Kate?" (Scott Wolf does that shit, too.)

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM (HBO)
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (ABC)
ENTOURAGE (HBO)
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS (UPN)
MY NAME IS EARL (NBC)
WEEDS (SHOWTIME)

Better choices in this category than in Drama. Except, once again, Desperate Housewives is not a comedy. Whatever, that horse is dead. I like seeing Entourage up there. I wish The Office had made it, too.

And -- I can't believe I didn't notice this the first time through -- where the hell is Arrested Development? You have got to be kidding me.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

MARCIA CROSS - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
TERI HATCHER - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
FELICITY HUFFMAN - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
EVA LONGORIA - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
MARY-LOUISE PARKER - WEEDS

For crying out loud. Those bitches overloaded this category with three nominations last year, and then Eva Longoria pitched a hissy fit, so now they're taking up four spots. There was a reason you didn't nominate her last year, people! She sucks! And this year, Nicollette Sheridan is already bitching and moaning about being left out. Look for an all Housewives category next year!

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

ZACH BRAFF - SCRUBS
STEVE CARELL - THE OFFICE
LARRY DAVID - CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
JASON LEE - MY NAME IS EARL
CHARLIE SHEEN - TWO AND A HALF MEN

Wow. Aside from the criminal exclusion of Arrested Development, those are the best group of nominees so far. The only quibble I have is with Charlie Sheen. I like Two and a Half Men (it's my not-so-secret shame), but it's the writing more than his delivery that makes him look good. The kid on the show would've been a better pick. Or, of course, anyone from Arrested Development. I hope Carell wins.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

CANDICE BERGEN - BOSTON LEGAL
CAMRYN MANHEIM - ELVIS
SANDRA OH - GREY'S ANATOMY
ELIZABETH PERKINS - WEEDS
JOANNE WOODWARD - EMPIRE FALLS

What a bizarre, catch-all category. Again, no Arrested Development? No Jessica Walters? Whatever.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

NAVEEN ANDREWS - LOST
PAUL NEWMAN - EMPIRE FALLS
JEREMY PIVEN - ENTOURAGE
RANDY QUAID - ELVIS
DONALD SUTHERLAND - COMMANDER IN CHIEF

Hmm, Naveen Andrews wouldn't have been my pick from that show, but it's not a bad pick. Piven is, of course, totally awesome, and should win. But (one last time), no Arrested Development?? That show has the most talented supporting cast on TV, and quite possibly the best ever assembled for a television series. Seriously, it didn't get one nomination this year? They must have really pissed off someone in the Hollywood Foreign Press. Not to at least nominate Will Arnett is an outrage. AN OUTRAGE I TELL YOU! Okay, maybe not an "outrage," per se. But it's stupid and irritating.

The Globes are being held January 16. I'll be back with more insanely long-winded coverage then!

MOVIES: How the West Was Won

I watched How the West Was Won last night (the 1962 Cinerama feature, as opposed to the 1970s miniseries). It was good, not great, but it had at least one scene that will stick with me forever.

First of all, let's get past the "Don't you mean, How the West was stolen by whitey from the Native Americans?" kind of thing. I'm just looking at it as a movie, not as an historical document.

Secondly, this is one of the most amazing casts ever assembled... but it's not the best film for any of them. Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Gregory Peck, Henry Fonda, Richard Widmark, Walter Brennan, Eli Wallach, Debbie Reynolds, and Spencer Tracy narrating -- not too shabby. But the writing is relatively weak, and, while this film may have been notable for its progressively bold action and violence, it didn't break any boundaries in its tired, corny love stories.

It sure is a beautiful picture to look at though. Beautiful, and unusual (and sometimes annoying). It was filmed in the Cinerama process: three cameras placed side-by-side-by-side, capturing a wider, more vivid, detailed picture -- a true panorama. But it was meant to be projected on special Cinerama screens, which I'm assuming consisted of a center screen, with two connected side screens like wings bent slightly inward toward the audience. Some Cinerama movies were also filmed simultaneously with a single, widelens camera, to be shown in non-Cinerama theaters. (That's a lot of cameras!) Unfortunately, How the West Was Won was one of only two Cinerama features that were not. So the only version that exists now, and the version which is on the DVD, is of the three Cinerama reels.

This means the single wide picture on your screen is visibly divided into three parts, like three boxes in a row. They all form one continuous picture, but with two distinct lines running from top to bottom, trisecting the image. The directors often attempted to hide those lines, with trees or door frames or what have you conveniently positioned right in the middle of the lines, but they're still a distraction. Also, the side boxes are at slightly different angles. If someone walks out of the center box and into a side box, his image distorts slightly as he crosses the line, like you're seeing his image pass behind a pane of glass turned slightly toward you. Maybe this wasn't so jarring in the special Cinerama theaters, but on your TV screen, it's very odd to see, for example, a train stretch across the horizon -- bent in two places. This effect often leads to the primary actors doing their best to remain motionless, so they don't stray out of the center box. And it creates a frequent static quality to the image -- if the camera moved, the lines would shift, so the cameras stay still for very long periods of time. Finally, sometimes the coloring is slightly different in one (or all) of the boxes, suggesting different degrees of the wear and tear of aging on the three negatives. So there might be a bright blue sky in 2/3 of the screen, and a dingy, faded, greyish-blue sky in the other 1/3. The end result is a fascinating, if frustrating, piece of work.

Anyhoo, the whole point of this was to write about the one memorable visual that made me glad I saw this picture. It comes during the "Railroad" segment of the film. (Another digression: the film is divided into five sequences, and directed by three directors. John Ford directed "The Civil War" -- that's the segment John Wayne briefly appears in, as General Sherman; Henry Hathaway directed "The Rivers," "The Plains," and "The Outlaws;" and George Marshall directed "The Railroad.") The railroad men have promised the Arapahoe Indians that their train tracks will not infringe on their hunting, that they will not bring buffalo hunters and settlers to poach their game and overrun their territories. But the railroad men -- mostly Mike King, played by Widmark -- are big fat liars. Buffalo hunters and settlers are there in no time. This gets the Arapahoes all bent out of shape. So they strike back at the railroad camp. And they do it by stampeding a herd of buffalo straight through it.

This is one of the most breathtaking sequences I've ever seen on film. This is true spectacle. An enormous herd of buffalo crests the hill above the camp, and it pours down into the camp... and pours, and pours, and keeps on coming until the hillside is absolutely flooded with the wild-eyed, rampaging beasts. They charge directly for the camp, the thunder of their hooves powerful enough to collapse structures. And then they hit, and everything in their path is trampled. They punch through the camp like a fist through newspaper. It goes on for minutes on end, and it's absolutely awesome.

It's the reality of it that overwhelms me. These aren't animatronic animals. These aren't CGI beasts. These are real, flesh-and-blood, large-as-life buffaloes. Hundreds of them. It's really happening. That blows me away.

There are some great, wonderful things that can be done with special effects. There are some tremendous movie moments that couldn't happen without fakery. There's the first sight of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. There's the "bullet time" action in The Matrix. There's Dave touching the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey. But as amazing and groundbreaking as those moments are, it's when movies create epic achievements out of real life that I'm really moved. For example: the jaw-dropping air battles in Howard Hughes' Hell's Angels. Martin Scorsese recreated them in The Aviator, using computer trickery, but it can't touch the real thing. Dozens of actual planes engaging each other in fantastic aerial maneuvers, the likes of which had never been seen before in film, and never after, for that matter. Or then there are the battle sequences in Akira Kurosawa's Ran: hundreds -- maybe thousands -- of soldiers charging and clashing and killing and dying, all bright colors and dizzying motion, and all of it actually happening. Real people, real horses, real armies doing (fake) battle on an unbelievably huge scale.

And now I can add to these moments the buffalo stampede in How the West Was Won. It's a grand moment in filmmaking. It's not a great movie, but that one great scene makes it unforgettable.

MOVIES: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I said I was going to post a review of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but really, anyone who wants to see it probably has by now. So I'll just give a few quick impressions. Spoilers ahead, if you live under a rock.

--I've read a few complaints about a lot of material being left out from the book. Well, yeah, but the book was 8,000 pages long. You're going to have to expect that. Since I hadn't read the book since it came out, and didn't remember much from it, I wasn't disappointed in that respect.

--On the other hand, you definitely need some knowledge of the Harry Potter world before going into this movie. Someone who watched this film without having seen any of the others, or having read the books, would be hopelessly lost, I think. And I appreciated that: it presumed the audience's familiarity with the material and charged full steam ahead.

--Especially nice sequences: the Quidditch World Cup and ensuing attack, Harry's dragon challenge, the Ball, where there were some great character moments, and the hedge maze, which was wonderfully creepy.

--Could've been better: the reappearance of Harry's parents during the battle with Voldemort. It makes sense (kind of) to someone who's read the book, but for someone who's only watched the movies, it's just, "What the hell?" Also, Harry didn't seem all that surprised or moved to see them. I mean, he was fighting for his life at the time, but still, your dead mum shows up, you might have a bigger, more emotional reaction.

--Ralph Fiennes was almost unrecognizable in his Voldemort makeup, but he looked great and played the role to the hilt. Another great job of casting. Speaking of which, do you think that was actually Gary Oldman doing the voice of Sirius Black in the fire? They didn't need Oldman in person, since Black only appeared as a special effect, but if they got Oldman to do the voice, wouldn't they have tried to use his actual face in the film as well, rather than the special effect? (I could look this up, probably, but I don't feel like it.)

--The actor who plays Ron really needs to cut it out with the bug-eyed comic overreactions. Also, get a haircut, hippie.

--The actress who plays Hermione is getting disturbingly cute. Not so cute that I would post an 18th birthday countdown clock... but I'll link to one. Oh, I'm going to hell. (Mike and I have made jokes about the existence of this clock -- he's also going to hell -- but he also made the sick, sad observation that someone, somewhere, must already have a similar counter up and running for Dakota Fanning. He was right.)

Saturday Sidebar Update. Back on Saturday!

I've been infatuated with Paget Brewster for quite a while. She used to host a late-night talk show in the Bay Area back in the early 90s, before she even got into acting. I'd get off my waiting job after the dinner shift and come home and put Paget on the TV and all would be right in the world. I didn't give a rat's ass about her idiot guests -- I just thought she was adorable. She then went on to Friends, and later one of the all-time great cancelled-too-soon series, Andy Richter Controls the Universe. And she's currently in Huff, the only reason I could possibly have to subscribe to Showtime. (But I still won't. Showtime sucks.)

I'm still finishing up the Kotzwinkle book, but next I'm planning on moving onto Neal Stephenson's Quicksilver. I've started reading it once or twice; I've stopped not because it's bad (which it certainly isn't), but because it's so dense and requires so much attention that my easily-distracted self would put it down for a week, pick it up again, and have no idea what was going on. I need to dedicate myself to getting through it this time. It'll still probably take forever. And there are two more books in the series!

Finally watched the Harry Potter movie. I liked it a lot. I'll try to post a review some time this weekend, though anyone who would be interested has surely seen it by now.

I don't actually own Ween's Chocolate & Cheese album, but a friend of mine has been playing it for me, and I need to go buy it. Plus, nice album cover.

Bill O'Reilly is once again making a stink about the fake War on Christmas. There's no goddam war!! Idiot. If anyone is starting a war, he is. O'Reilly claiming Christmas is being attacked is like Hitler saying Poland started it.

And Lyric of the Week is from Red Hot Chili Peppers. And that's it!

The Sad Decline of Rob Reiner

Rumor Has It..., the upcoming film in which Jennifer Aniston discovers her family was the basis for the story of The Graduate, looks to be about eight different kinds of awful, starting with the fact that somebody actually thought making a semi-sequel to The Graduate was a good idea in the first place (someone who's never watched Buck Henry's cameo in The Player, most likely -- or at least, watched it but didn't get it). But what's most striking to me about the TV commercials I've seen is that director Rob Reiner's name is noticeably not used as a selling point. It wasn't that long ago that the phrase "A Rob Reiner Film" indicated a good thing. With Rumor Has It..., I didn't even realize Reiner was involved in it until I read the small print. That seeming reticence to promote the film with his name is yet another step in the Sad Decline of Rob Reiner. (The fact that Kevin Costner is relegated to second billing, under the totally-unsuited-for-the-big-screen Aniston, will have to wait for Costner's own Sad Decline post.)

Reiner began his theatrical film career with what I, and I think many, many others, would consider a phenomenal series of unqualified successes. Right out of the gate, he helmed This Is Spinal Tap, which is undoubtedly one of the funniest, most quoted, and most influential film comedies of all time. If you've never used the lines "These go to eleven" and "Hello, Cleveland!" in your real life -- well, frankly, I think you're lying. That's like trying to say you've never said, "And don't call me Shirley." Even if you've never seen the film, you use those lines -- that's how deeply ingrained in pop culture this movie has become. Pure brilliance.

Next up was The Sure Thing, which may not be on quite the same plane as Spinal Tap, but which certainly transcended its teen sex comedy plot to become a romantic comedy gem, and made a star out of John Cusack. It also introduced the world to Nicollette Sheridan, back when she still owned some of her original parts.

Then there was Stand By Me, which, up until The Shawshank Redemption, was the one Stephen King film that people who hated Stephen King could love. Same thing with people who hated kids in movies. What a set of great performances from those four young actors (not to mention Kiefer Sutherland's first big break). Man, in 1986, who would've thought that by 2005, of the four leads, the little fat kid would have the most successful acting career?

In 1987, Reiner directed The Princess Bride, which probably equals Spinal Tap in quotability ("Inconceivable!") and sheer fan devotion. It's pretty amazing how varied his first four films are, and how well they all work. Sure, they're all comedic, but the first basically invents (or at least refines and brings to the mainstream) the mockumentary genre; the second is teen sex; the third is coming-of-age mixed with horror; and the fourth is fantasy. And they're all wonderful.

Next, Reiner achieved his biggest financial and critical success to that point, and moved onto the A-list of directors, with When Harry Met Sally.... Along with Sleepless in Seattle (which Reiner didn't direct -- but he acted in it!), this is probably the epitome of the modern romantic comedy. It was a chick flick that guys loved, too. Probably for Meg Ryan's diner scene.

A second Stephen King adaptation was next: Misery was another hit, and it was the first of Reiner's films to actually win an Academy Award. In a bit of an upset, Kathy Bates won for Best Actress (beating Meryl Streep, among others), which made her career.

In 1992, he delivered his biggest box office hit, with the biggest all-star cast he'd ever worked with, A Few Good Men. That is seven -- seven -- great films in a row. Not all of them were huge moneymakers, and some are more memorable than others (specifically, I'm thinking some would exclude The Sure Thing from a list of "greats" -- but screw them! I love that movie!). But a string of seven films like that -- I would go so far as to say that's a feat unmatched by nearly any director in the history of film. That's right, I said it! You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!

And then, riding the highest peak of his career, as one of the biggest names in the film industry, able to work with any actor he wanted, able to choose from any script in Hollywood, with the unquestioned ability to do literally anything he wanted to do... he made North.

North is Reiner's Ishtar. It's his Heaven's Gate, his Waterworld. A great big picture that became a legendary flop. And it inspired the most awesomely negative review ever written, from Roger Ebert. Here's a taste:

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.... "North" is a bad film - one of the worst movies ever made.

AWESOME! That cracks me up every single time.

North was a huge critical and financial failure, and one I would suggest Reiner never truly recovered from. With his next project, The American President, Reiner had the good sense to re-team with the writer of A Few Good Men, Aaron Sorkin. This was another great film -- smart, funny, passionate, and the obvious inspiration for Sorkin's The West Wing -- and it brought Reiner's record up to a respectable 8 and 1. Eight great films, one big ol' stinker. Not bad, right? But the problem was (or part of it, anyway) in Hollywood, you're only as good as your last film. Despite its overall quality, and its critical praise, the film was a relative box office failure. According to IMDb, it grossed $65 million in the U.S. -- but its budget was $62 million. And that's before marketing costs. (And as disappointing as that is, Reiner's subsequent films have yet to come anywhere near making that much money.) That was two missteps in a row -- one major, one minor -- which was more than enough to take the polish off the apple.

Next was Ghosts of Mississippi, which was a decent enough film, with a great, creepily menacing performance from James Woods, but it fell squarely in the "whitey saves the black man" genre (epitomized in the modern era by Mississippi Burning). Those films may be well-meaning, but they always come across more as patronizing, bordering on insulting. Here, whitey was played by Alec Baldwin, as the lawyer determined to bring Medgar Evers' killer to justice. Despite an Oscar nomination for Woods, the film tanked financially.

Reiner didn't release another theatrical feature for three years, and when The Story of Us hit the screen in 1999, you had to wonder, "This is what took so long?" Another huge misfire -- not quite of North proportions, but still. Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer were never heard from again.

Reiner took four years for his next film, and if Alex & Emma was the best he could come up with, he might as well have waited another four years. He wasn't even working with A-list stars anymore; instead, he had Luke Wilson and Kate Hudson. Early on in his career, he used to make stars out of up-and-comers like Cusack and Bates. Now B-listers Wilson and Hudson appeared to be slumming by appearing in a Reiner film. The thought wasn't, "Will this film make their careers?" but rather, "Will their careers survive this film?" It barely cleared $14 million in the U.S., which, in 2003, is more what you'd expect a fourth sequel to a really bad horror movie to gross. Not a Rob Reiner film.

And now we come to Rumor Has It.... Bad buzz, little advance marketing, no mention of Reiner. Hell, this project wasn't even Reiner's to begin with -- he took over from writer Ted Griffin, who had been set to direct. An A-list director should not be taking sloppy seconds. But then, Reiner is no longer an A-list director, is he?

In film, a short string of disappointments is far more damning than a long string of successes is uplifting. These days, Reiner smells pretty strongly of "has-been." Which is a shame. I'm still rooting for the guy -- as misguided as Rumor Has It... seems, I'm still rooting for it to succeed. (It won't.) As poor as the latter half of his career has been, I believe Reiner still has vast reserves of talent. I think he's still got a great, blockbuster film (or two, or three) in him. I just wish he'd get around to making it, already.

COMICS: Colonia: On Into the Great Lands

A belated Yay! to Mike Sterling, who yesterday celebrated his blog's second anniversary. I knew him back when. Hey, I know him right now, too! And Boo! to Blogspot, which was out of service for much of last night, which is why my congrats to Mike is a day late.


Also, an overdue Boo! to blo.gs, which is down for, what, the 17th week in a row? Every day I think that blo.gs must have reached its capacity for sucking ass by now, and every day I discover that blo.gs knows no limitation to the amount of ass it is capable of sucking.

---

I picked up the second trade paperback of Jeff Nicholson's wonderful Colonia series last week, and found it to be every bit as enjoyable as I did the first one. It's an all-ages fantasy/comedy/adventure series in which our young hero Jack and his two uncles find themselves mysteriously transported into an alternate timeline, in which America is called Colonia, and creatures of legend are all too real.

After island-hopping through book one, in book two, On Into the Great Lands, Jack, his uncles, his new friend Kelsey, and their pirate captors-turned-partners travel through the wilds of untamed Florida, discovering along the way the Fountain of Youth, lawn-bowling dwarves, Rip Van Winkle, a shapeshifting mule, a bartending mermaid, and young Sally, who exhibits the same reality-shifting powers Jack seems to unknowingly possess. It's all told with great humor, intelligence, and inventiveness. The characters are all appealing (even the weaselly pirate Cinnabar has his egotistical charms), and the mysteries of this other world are intriguing, sometimes delightful, sometimes dark and dangerous. I can't wait for more.

Unfortunately, it appears I will have to wait, and perhaps for quite a while. In his introduction to the book, Nicholson says that, thanks to people like me, who are KILLING THE COMIC BOOK INDUSTRY by waiting for the trade rather than buying the individual issues, he will cease publishing Colonia in pamphlet form, and wait until he has enough material to put out a third paperback instead. (Only he didn't say it all mean and bitter like that.) Considering it took him about six years to publish 11 regular issues, that might be a while. Too bad -- but it's more than worth waiting for. Colonia is great fun. Check it out!

Saturday Sidebar Update. Still on Sunday!

I've been in love with Julianne Nicholson ever since The Love Letter, a very funny and overlooked romantic comedy in which she was the tomboy-next-door who pined after her oblivious best friend. I know, sounds a little Some Kind of Wonderful-y, but it's really not. It's a damn entertaining movie. And she's so damn loveable in it. She was also in The Others, a cancelled-too-soon TV series from Glen Morgan and James Wong, who were responsible for many of the best X-Files episodes. You probably know her, if you know her at all, from the last season of Ally McBeal. Her inclusion here has nothing whatsoever to do with the purely coincidental discovery that her film Her Name Is Carla (coming out on DVD this month) contains her first nude scenes. Well, maybe a little.

Still reading the Kotzwinkle book. It's very weird, and very funny, which is exactly what I want from him.

Still haven't watched that damn Harry Potter movie. I did see Mr. & Mrs. Smith, which I got a kick out of, but for a dissenting viewpoint, here is a quote from my buddy Forrest: "I would take a shit on this movie if I could." Okay then!

One of my favorite hard-rocking bands is Therapy?. And yes, that question mark is part of the band's name. Troublegum would very likely make my desert island album list in the "ferociously ass-kicking music" slot. Therapy? are a bunch of fine Irish lads from Belfast, and Troublegum opens with five songs so tremendously, furiously rocking, I'd be hard-pressed to name very many other albums whose first five songs are all so uniformly excellent. If I wrote a horror movie, Troublegum's "Knives" would play over the opening credits.

Switched things up a bit this week. What would normally fill my "Hating" slot, a television network's programming choices, ends up making me very very happy instead. NBC has decided to shelve Joey and The Apprentice for the foreseeable future, and will be moving My Name Is Earl and The Office to the 9:00 Thursday slot, which should be the first step of the network's return to Thursday night excellence. NBC has largely gone to shit since they abandoned their years-long tradition of a four-sitcom block of programming to open Thursday night, and this move gives me hope. Plus, Scrubs is at long last scheduled to return, on January 3rd. Damn, NBC, keep this up and I might think you actually give a shit about airing and rewarding quality programming!

The song lyric came by random chance. No, really: I had my mp3 player on "random," and this Cake song came up. "End of the Movie" is a very nice, very simple and stark, very short little song about life, and getting through it, and it makes me want to go buy some Cake albums. I think I'll do that this week.

TV: Desperate Housewives

Hey, so, have I mentioned that I've given up on Desperate Housewives?

No? Okay then: I've given up on Desperate Housewives.

After a great freshman year, the show hit a sophomore slump, and hit it hard. Part of it is there's no overriding mystery carrying the viewer along, like Mary Alice's suicide last year. Part of it is showrunner Mark Cherry has stopped writing all the scripts, and the remainder of the writing staff is clearly not up to the task. Part of it is over-familiarity: Teri Hatcher falling down was cute the first dozen or so times, but now -- seen it! Part of it is the total lack of interest I have in the new characters -- don't care about Alfre Woodard, which is unfortunate, because she's such an excellent actress, and could have done wonders with better material, and I certainly don't care about Marcia Cross' pharmacist boyfriend/stalker.

(Quick digression: have you noticed that almost none of the women on the show are actually desperate housewives now? Teri Hatcher is divorced, Marcia Cross is a widow, Felicity Huffman works outside the home, Nicollette Sheridan was never married, and even Alfre Woodard has no husband (don't know if he's dead or just MIA). Only Eva Longoria is still technically a housewife. That's false advertising! It's only Desperate Housewife!)

So I've given up on the show. In fact, I apparently gave up on it a month ago, and didn't realize it. I kept letting new episodes accumulate on the TiVo, and just let them sit there; I felt no desire whatsoever to watch them. When I found I needed extra room on the disc recently, and saw I had four unwatched episodes clogging things up, I had to choose between a marathon viewing, or getting rid of them altogether. It didn't take long: I decided to cut my losses and delete them. I'm out!

This show took a harder fall from season one to season two than Joan of Arcadia. Unlike Joan, though, I don't think there's any fear Desperate Housewives will be cancelled. It's still doing gangbusters in the ratings. But if things don't get interesting soon, I wouldn't be surprised to see those numbers drop sharply before next summer. The audience won't stick with a fad gone so bad so quickly forever. At least, I think they won't -- I mean, ER is still on the air, after all.

MOVIES: The Ice Harvest

I've been pretty lax about updating since Thanksgiving. I'm not promising to correct that -- I'm just making an observation.

So, as I mentioned before, I saw The Ice Harvest this weekend. The movie is based on a novel by Scott Phillips, who is, as I discovered via Mike, the brother of fellow ACAPCWOVCCAOE member Batfatty. That affected my impression of the movie not one iota. I don't even know why I mentioned it.

The movie is good, though not the yuk-fest I had been led to believe. I mean, a trailer full of slapstickery, directed by Harold Ramis -- you think COMEDY! Mmm... not so much. It's got its comedic elements -- very dark comedic elements -- but in essence it's a traditional film noir, complete with foul murders, double crossings galore, a gorgeous femme fatale, and a hapless schmoe in over his head at the heart of it all.

John Cusack is the schmoe, who has, along with his partner Billy Bob Thorton, stolen a lot of money from a very bad man (whom we eventually find is played by a wonderfully vile and menacing Randy Quaid, though he shows up so late in the film you forget that Quaid's name was even in the opening credits). You will probably not be surprised to learn that things do not go exactly according to plan. Cusack almost ruins everything with his excessive paranoia, then, as things spiral out of control, he begins to discover he wasn't paranoid enough.

There are a number of laughs, mostly provided by the hapless Cusack and his drunken friend, played by Oliver Platt. When we were preparing to see the movie, I mentioned to Ian that Oliver Platt is always awesome. He then asked me to back that up with some examples, and I was stymied. I couldn't for the life of me come up with a list of movies to indicate why I had such a favorable impression of Platt. (Might've had something to do with all that Jack Daniels.) Even now, looking at his IMDb page, I'm hard-pressed to defend my fandom. I mean, check out this trifecta from 1999: Lake Placid, Three to Tango, and Bicentennial Man. Yikes! That is a quite the shitty trio of films. Nonetheless, I stand by my claim that Oliver Platt is always awesome. Even when the rest of the film is garbage.

Anyway. The plot of Ice Harvest is sufficiently deep and twisty that even when you know what's got to be coming, it still holds your interest. And the direction by Ramis is superb, probably the best he's ever done at creating a real style; his take on the noir genre is pitch perfect. There's a sense of fatality and despair that permeates the movie, conveyed through the direction as well as the characters, that keeps you on edge. And the setting, a frozen night in Kansas, plays a large role; I felt the cold, felt the way it can drain the life right out of a man. I don't think this is going to go down as a landmark in the careers of all those involved, but what it does, it does very well.