Golden Globe Nominations

The Golden Globe nominations were announced on Monday morning, which seems kind of early to me, like a pathetic bid for attention before the critics' top ten lists start coming out, and before the Oscar campaign really gets into gear, but whatever. I guess I have to pay attention to them, since I'm committed to doing a minute-by-minute recap of the show, like I did last year. So here are the nominees in each category (or at least the categories I give a rat's ass about), with a few of my notes on each.

BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
THE CONSTANT GARDENER
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
MATCH POINT

There's been a little bit of a fuss over Brokeback Mountain's seven nominations, and whether that means a gay-themed film can finally with the Best Picture Oscar. Which bugs me. First of all, it presumes that the Golden Globes mean anything, or even make a damn bit of sense, which, as we all should know, they do not. And secondly, it takes as granted the superiority of Brokeback, or the other movies they name (like Philadelphia or Kiss of the Spider Woman); it suggests the only way those films could've lost (or failed to be nominated) was due to a deliberate, homophobic slight by the Academy. Maybe they're right; maybe the Academy gave the Oscar to Tom Hanks for Best Actor, but not to Philadelphia for Best Picture, just to teach those goddam gays a lesson! I don't really see it that way. And I don't care for it when people turn award season into agenda season. (As for the opposing agenda, the conservatives who condemn the movie -- well, they're blatant, hateful idiots who can more easily be dismissed.)

Anyhoo. Haven't seen it. Maybe it is just that good. I also haven't seen the other four nominees. I'll never see The Constant Gardener (I'm yawning just typing the name), but I'll probably eventually see the others. The one I really wish I'd seen by now is A History of Violence. Cronenberg rules. And Match Point -- that's the Woody Allen movie? Is it even released yet? And it's a drama? Weird.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

MARIA BELLO - A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE
FELICITY HUFFMAN - TRANSAMERICA
GWYNETH PALTROW - PROOF
CHARLIZE THERON - NORTH COUNTRY
ZIYI ZHANG - MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA

Aside from History, I have no desire to see any of these films. Not even Geisha, which features Ziyi Zhang (or Zhang Ziyi, depending on the day of the week, apparently) and Michelle Yeoh. Yowza.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA

RUSSELL CROWE - CINDERELLA MAN
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN - CAPOTE
TERRENCE HOWARD - HUSTLE & FLOW
HEATH LEDGER - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
DAVID STRATHAIRN - GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

Man, I haven't frickin' seen any movies. Philip Seymour Hoffman, in general, is awesome. I hope he wins.

BEST MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
PRIDE & PREJUDICE
THE PRODUCERS
THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
WALK THE LINE

What the hell is Mrs. Henderson Presents? Okay, research, research... here we go. Hmm... Judi Dench, Bob Hoskins, Christopher Guest, and nudity (hopefully none of it theirs). Sounds good to me!

This is where the Golden Globes start falling apart for me. "Musical or Comedy" is such an odd category to begin with. Then, the things that get dumped in this category -- I'm pretty sure Pride & Prejudice is a romantic drama. Just because Keira Knightley makes adorable little scrunchy faces doesn't make it a screwball comedy. And Walk the Line is not a musical! It's a drama with songs in it. In a musical, the story is advanced by dialogue in song form, with lyrics specifically pertaining to the plot. The Producers is a musical. (And a comedy!) Walk the Line is not. (Nor was last year's Ray, for that matter.) Frickin' Hollywood Foreign Press.

I haven't seen any of these either. I plan on seeing Walk the Line tonight. And I really want to see The Squid and the Whale.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

JUDI DENCH - MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY - PRIDE & PREJUDICE
LAURA LINNEY - THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
SARAH JESSICA PARKER - THE FAMILY STONE
REESE WITHERSPOON - WALK THE LINE

Sarah Jessica Parker? For The Family Stone? Really? You miss nominating her for Sex and the City that much? Cripes.

If Reese Witherspoon doesn't win this (and the Oscar) in a walk, I'll eat my hat. (It is a chocolate hat, I should admit.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

PIERCE BROSNAN - THE MATADOR
JEFF DANIELS - THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
JOHNNY DEPP - CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
NATHAN LANE - THE PRODUCERS
CILLIAN MURPHY - BREAKFAST ON PLUTO
JOAQUIN PHOENIX - WALK THE LINE

What the hell is The Matador? Researching... done. Wow, great cast. I love me some Hope Davis. That might actually be good.

As much as I like Johnny Depp, he was pretty weak in Charlie. His Wonka just never worked for me. And I'm sure Nathan Lane is very funny in The Producers, but he should never be cast as a woman-chaser. It's as distracting and ridiculous as when Ellen DeGeneres plays a man-chaser.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

KUNG FU HUSTLE (CHINA)
MASTER OF THE CRIMSON ARMOR aka THE PROMISE (CHINA)
MERRY CHRISTMAS (JOYEUX NOEL) (FRANCE)
PARADISE NOW (PALESTINE)
TSOTSI (SOUTH AFRICA)

I'm just so amused that Kung Fu Hustle is up for an award like this.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

SCARLETT JOHANSSON - MATCH POINT
SHIRLEY MacLAINE - IN HER SHOES
FRANCES McDORMAND - NORTH COUNTRY
RACHEL WEISZ - THE CONSTANT GARDENER
MICHELLE WILLIAMS - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

I haven't seen any of these movies. That said, Scarlett Johansson wins. She always wins.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

GEORGE CLOONEY - SYRIANA
MATT DILLON - CRASH
WILL FERRELL - THE PRODUCERS
PAUL GIAMATTI - CINDERELLA MAN
BOB HOSKINS - MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS

God damn it, why haven't I seen any of these movies? Paul Giamatti should win, just because he keeps getting screwed over by the Oscars.

BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE

WOODY ALLEN - MATCH POINT
GEORGE CLOONEY - GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK
PETER JACKSON - KING KONG
ANG LEE - BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
FERNANDO MEIRELLES - THE CONSTANT GARDENER
STEVEN SPIELBERG - MUNICH

It's interesting to see King Kong and Munich here, when neither film seems to be nominated for anything else. I wonder if Match Point is actually any good, or if people just want it to be good, just want to believe that Woody Allen still has it.

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA

COMMANDER IN CHIEF (ABC)
GREY'S ANATOMY (ABC)
LOST (ABC)
PRISON BREAK (FOX)
ROME (HBO)

As we enter the TV categories, here's where things really go to shit. Prison Break? I mean, I like it and all, as a dopey diversion, but -- are you fucking kidding me?? Prison Break, Grey's Anatomy, and Commander in Chief, but no Deadwood? No The Shield? At least they got Rome right, but that's probably only because its season just ended. If Deadwood had aired in October, instead of March, it would be up there. These people have no memories. Or they suck. Or both.

Prison Break. Jesus.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA

PATRICIA ARQUETTE - MEDIUM
GLENN CLOSE - THE SHIELD
GEENA DAVIS - COMMANDER IN CHIEF
KYRA SEDGWICK - THE CLOSER
POLLY WALKER - ROME

I am so goddam sick of Patricia Arquette. This should come down to Glenn Close or Polly Walker. I still haven't seen The Closer. I should check that out.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA

PATRICK DEMPSEY - GREY'S ANATOMY
MATTHEW FOX - LOST
HUGH LAURIE - HOUSE
WENTWORTH MILLER - PRISON BREAK
KIEFER SUTHERLAND - 24

Frickin' Prison Break.

Hugh Laurie should win in a landslide. Should. Which probably means Kiefer Sutherland will win again. And Matthew Fox -- have you noticed he's becoming a worse actor as the series progresses? Lately he's been falling back into his old Party of Five tics, like asking a question in a really patronizing manner, and then saying the person's name he's talking to as if it were a second question. "You want to tell me what that was all about? Kate?" (Scott Wolf does that shit, too.)

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM (HBO)
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (ABC)
ENTOURAGE (HBO)
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS (UPN)
MY NAME IS EARL (NBC)
WEEDS (SHOWTIME)

Better choices in this category than in Drama. Except, once again, Desperate Housewives is not a comedy. Whatever, that horse is dead. I like seeing Entourage up there. I wish The Office had made it, too.

And -- I can't believe I didn't notice this the first time through -- where the hell is Arrested Development? You have got to be kidding me.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

MARCIA CROSS - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
TERI HATCHER - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
FELICITY HUFFMAN - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
EVA LONGORIA - DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
MARY-LOUISE PARKER - WEEDS

For crying out loud. Those bitches overloaded this category with three nominations last year, and then Eva Longoria pitched a hissy fit, so now they're taking up four spots. There was a reason you didn't nominate her last year, people! She sucks! And this year, Nicollette Sheridan is already bitching and moaning about being left out. Look for an all Housewives category next year!

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY

ZACH BRAFF - SCRUBS
STEVE CARELL - THE OFFICE
LARRY DAVID - CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
JASON LEE - MY NAME IS EARL
CHARLIE SHEEN - TWO AND A HALF MEN

Wow. Aside from the criminal exclusion of Arrested Development, those are the best group of nominees so far. The only quibble I have is with Charlie Sheen. I like Two and a Half Men (it's my not-so-secret shame), but it's the writing more than his delivery that makes him look good. The kid on the show would've been a better pick. Or, of course, anyone from Arrested Development. I hope Carell wins.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

CANDICE BERGEN - BOSTON LEGAL
CAMRYN MANHEIM - ELVIS
SANDRA OH - GREY'S ANATOMY
ELIZABETH PERKINS - WEEDS
JOANNE WOODWARD - EMPIRE FALLS

What a bizarre, catch-all category. Again, no Arrested Development? No Jessica Walters? Whatever.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

NAVEEN ANDREWS - LOST
PAUL NEWMAN - EMPIRE FALLS
JEREMY PIVEN - ENTOURAGE
RANDY QUAID - ELVIS
DONALD SUTHERLAND - COMMANDER IN CHIEF

Hmm, Naveen Andrews wouldn't have been my pick from that show, but it's not a bad pick. Piven is, of course, totally awesome, and should win. But (one last time), no Arrested Development?? That show has the most talented supporting cast on TV, and quite possibly the best ever assembled for a television series. Seriously, it didn't get one nomination this year? They must have really pissed off someone in the Hollywood Foreign Press. Not to at least nominate Will Arnett is an outrage. AN OUTRAGE I TELL YOU! Okay, maybe not an "outrage," per se. But it's stupid and irritating.

The Globes are being held January 16. I'll be back with more insanely long-winded coverage then!