Brief Scenarios I Have Imagined Featuring Various Celebrities And Myself

ME: You should only make romantic comedies in which sports are involved. Or Westerns. But only if you promise not to make them over three hours long.
KEVIN COSTNER: Okay. But come on, be honest, wasn't The Postman actually kind of --
ME: No.
KEVIN COSTNER: Not even a little...?
ME: No.

J.D. SALINGER: Hi, I'm reclusive author J.D. Salinger.
ME: Hey, reclusive author J.D. Salinger. How's it hanging?
J.D. SALINGER: Low and to the left.
ME: Cool.

SARAH MCLACHLAN: Which one of my songs is your favorite?
ME: The one where you're naked in the bathtub.

HOWARD STERN: How big is your penis? How often do you masturbate? Have you ever had sex with an animal? You're retarded!
ME: I understand you pulled out of the race for Governor of New York because you didn't want to fill out the financial disclosure papers. Why don't you tell your vast army of low-income, blue-collar listeners exactly how much money you make?
HOWARD STERN: [awkward silence]
ROBIN QUIVERS: HA HA HA HA!!
HOWARD STERN: What the hell are you laughing about?
ROBIN QUIVERS: I have no idea. I never do.

ALEX TREBEK: Tell me, contestant #2, how did you go about preparing for your appearance on Jeopardy!?
ME: Steroids, Alex. I am saturated with them.

KEANU REEVES: Would you like to Biggie size that?
ME: You suck.

DONAL LOGUE: I'd like an herbal tea with soy milk and honey.*
ME: I wish more people knew who you were, so they'd understand why this is so hysterical to me. [HINT -- this guy:]


ME: [six years ago] I think you should let other people write and direct the second trilogy.
GEORGE LUCAS: But it's my vision! Never!!
ME: I'm going to have to lock you in the cellar for the next six years now.
GEORGE LUCAS: That's only fair.

ANGELINA JOLIE: I love you.
ME: I know.

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*Actual quote, said to me at a restaurant in Ojai.