Sunday, February 27, 2005

Minute-by-minute at the 2005 Oscars Pre-Show

The pre-show begins at 3:00 on the West Coast (that's L.A. coverage, featuring Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper for ABC 7; I don't think the national coverage starts until 5:00). Now, I like the Oscars, but that's a little much even for me (although I have started drinking, to get in the proper frame of mind). I'll be checking in only occasionally until the "official" pre-show -- featuring that abomination against nature, Billy Bush -- begins.

3:20 -- Richard Roeper agrees with me that Best Director and Best Picture will be split between The Aviator and Million Dollar Baby. He even agrees with me in the way it's going to split -- Scorsese for Director, Baby for Picture.

3:37 -- Laura Linney. Oh, Laura Linney. I could write sonnets about her. I could too! You don't know!!

3:42 -- When they go in for a close-up on Ebert talking to Catalina Sandeno Moreno, you can see a flesh-colored bandage underneath Ebert's chin, a fairly big one. Chin tuck? Is he the new Joan Rivers?

3:48 -- Sophie Okonedo is adorable, very clearly overwhelmed by the pomp and glamour but holding up gamely. She is asked if she's replaced the $500 car it was reported she owned six months ago. "'No, I'm still driving the same car,' she says shyly," she says (shyly). Adorable!

3:55 -- P. Diddy equates wearing a $100,000 bracelet with "sophistication." "You know, 'cause I'm a chameleon," he says.

3:57 -- We can only assume that Melanie Griffith equates her gigantic boobs hanging out the cleavage of her gown with "sophistication" as well. She's leaning on a cane; when asked about it, she claims to have broken her foot scaling Mt. Everest. Yes, I'm sure that's exactly what happened. If by "Mt. Everest" she means the bathtub, and her sherpas were a bottle of oxycontin.

4:05 -- Ebert and his reporting partner marvel over Hilary Swank and her skin-tight gown for a moment, and I can not blame them one bit. It looks like it was painted on her, bless her heart. Not only can I judge the exact temperature outside from looking at her in that dress, I think I can actually tell how many freckles she has.

4:17 -- "Scarlett Johansson -- Has a twin brother" the onscreen caption tells us. You've got to love this kind of hard-hitting, insightful reporting we've come to expect from the Academy Awards. By the way, her bleached hair is awful. She's still hot as a very hot thing that's hot, don't get me wrong. Now she just has kind of a hooker-clown hair color to complement that hotness. Like a lazy eye, or a cold sore.

4:40 -- Cate Blanchett. I could write poetry about her, too. Look, here's a haiku:
This is a haiku
I forget how many syllables go in the second line
Cate Blanchett is hot
See? Easy.

4:41 -- If Johnny Depp is not the coolest person in the world, well... I don't know how to finish that sentence. Because clearly he is. He's got gold teeth in his mouth -- he's filming the Pirates sequel. Most actors in that part would have gold teeth that could easily be removed in between takes. Depp is not most actors. I think if he played Popeye he would gouge out one eye.

4:45 -- Samuel L. Jackson. Does he throw into question my declaration of Depp as the coolest person in the world? No. Sam is the baddest person in the world. Please make a note of that.

4:53 -- While Ebert's partner talks to Jamie Foxx, we can see over Foxx's shoulder Martin Scorsese, who is grinning and waving at Ebert. Ebert then introduces Foxx to Scorsese, and both of them start talking to each other, exchanging compliments, completely ignoring the interviewers.

4:55 -- Clint Eastwood has sauntered up, and now he and Scorsese talk to Ebert. This is the kind of meeting that makes me love a night like this.

5:00 -- The "official" pre-show begins. Chris Connelly, Jann Carl -- ahh! Billy Bush! My ears! My eyes! Make him go away!!

5:02 -- I love Hilary Swank, but if I have to hear once more about how she and her mother had to sleep in a car when they first came to Hollywood, I'm going to smash my TV. Hilary, go tell it to Jewel, okay?

5:04 -- And Jamie Foxx can put a cork in it, too. It's a great success story, and it's very nice he thanks Ray Charles and his family at every opportunity -- but he never stops giving an acceptance speech.

5:04 -- Halle Berry. Holy cow. Everybody always talks about how beautiful she is, and I always think, "Yeah, she's okay, but there's plenty of women as pretty as her." And then I actually see her again, and my jaw drops -- it's hard to conceive how impossibly gorgeous she is when she's not right in front of you. It's like, "Nobody's that beauti -- oh, lord, I take it back."

5:08 -- I would mention again how lovely Laura Linney is, but I'm right in the middle of composing a sestina to her. Look at this, I've got links and everything right in the middle of my liveblogging! Those other livebloggers ain't shit!

5:19 -- Okay, I refrained from mentioning Cate Blanchett again, and I wasn't going to mention Scarlett Johansson, either, but then they did a slow pan up the full length of her hourglass figure, and I had to go sit down here in the other room for a while and catch my breath. Whew! Still awful hair, though.

5:24 -- Billy Bush asks Penelope Cruz about her dress, and the way she says, "Oscar de la Renta made it for me," it's the sexiest sentence spoken in human history. Narrowly beating out whatever sentence she said just before that, and losing the crown to whatever her next sentence will be. Some people just got it. And she got it.

5:27 -- Connelly and Carl sign off. Let the main event begin!

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