MOVIES: Gratuitous nudity that's necessary to the plot

Franklin Harris of Franklin's Findings has directed my attention to Sky.com's report on the mathematical formula for the Ultimate Horror Movie. The formula is (es+u+cs+t) squared +s+ (tl+f)/2 + (a+dr+fs)/n + sin x - 1. Feel free to click the link if you give a rat's ass what all that crap stands for.

Franklin goes on to note the formula's fatal flaw: it "has no variable for 'gratuitous nudity.'" Too true, Franklin, too true. Joe Bob Briggs must be spinning in his grave. I suggest the immediate addition of variable gn to the formula. In fact, I think it calls for an entire subset of variables:

• to: topless only


• ff: full frontal


• ss: shower scene


• sd: skinny dipping


• sp: strip poker


• sm: strip Monopoly (Captain Corey had better get that reference)


• nws: nudity without sex


• swn: sex without nudity (makes baby Jesus cry)


• kwn: killed while nude


• kfbn: killed for being nude


• kbn: killed by nudist

And, most important of all:

• nbsyaho: nudity by someone you've actually heard of

...which means, for example, that although Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers may have more total nudity, it would be outranked by Dressed to Kill for its Angie Dickinson shower scene.

There is a small possibility I may have given this entirely too much thought.... Nah! As if that were possible!