Monday, January 16, 2006

TV: Minute-by-Minute at the 2006 Golden Globes

The Pre-Show.

8:00 -- Oh, Christ! Nancy O'Dell is still here, and is showing highlights from the arrival special. MAKE IT STOP!!

8:02 -- Ian appreciates the fact that the celebrities get to drink during the ceremony. I say, "That makes it like our home-viewing experience." Ian says he feels like it's a drinking race. I swig from my second beer: off to the races!!

8:04 -- The soul-destroying intro song begins. At least it's not sung by a Ray Charles impersonator as it was last year. Very breathy and bland: "Here is Capote, and Johnny Cash/And his name is Earl./Don't you think that Jamie looks hot tonight?/Don't you think Reese has a shot tonight?/Don't ya?/Don't ya?" Ian: "I want to kill myself."

8:06 -- To the awesome groove of "Don't Ya?" Queen Latifah enters to open the show.

8:07 -- She pays tribute to Dr. King, and nobody applauds. That makes me sad.

8:08 -- Natalie Portman and Adrien Brody enter to present the first award. Portman's hair is coming back in nicely. Supporting Actor goes to... George Clooney! I'm off to an early perfect record in my picks.

8:09 -- Clooney says, "I thought Paul Giamatti was going to win it." I bet Giamatti did, too. "I haven't even had a drink yet!" Clooney continues. I have, and it doesn't make his subsequent joke about Jack Abramoff's name any funnier. Jack... Off? GET IT???

8:12 -- Rachel Weisz wins Supporting Actress for Constant Gardener. I'm 1-for-2. But she's cute and has an awesome accent, so I can live with it.

8:18 -- Jessica Alba and Luke Wilson come out to present Supporting Actor in a Series, Mini-Series, or TV Movie. That's a long title. Paul Newman wins. Ian: "Oh, good, he isn't there. We're spared a speech."

8:20 -- Teri Hatcher and Brandon Routh do some Superman banter before presenting Supporting Actress in Etc. I have to admit, Routh makes a good Clark Kent.

8:21 -- Sandra Oh wins, then can't find her way on stage for a humorously long time. Ian asks me if Grey's Anatomy is any good. "It's one of the three or four shows on TV I don't watch," I tell him. Oh is frantic and is licking her lips a lot. Ian asks me if I have anything stronger than beer in the house. I don't think he's enjoying the show.

8:27 -- America's favorite speech impaired actress, Drew Barrymore, comes out to present a clip from the first Best Picture nominee, Good Night, and Good Luck. Holy GOD, she is wearing a very tight, nearly sheer, bosom-embracing green dress. Insert your own "Golden Globes" joke, I'm still a little dizzy.

8:29 -- Emmy Rossum comes out to blather about something I don't care about. Ian asks, "Who the hell is she?" I instantly know she was in Phantom of the Opera, even though I've never seen it. That makes me a little sad.

8:31 -- Jesse L. Martin and Nicollette Sheridan present Best Actress in a Drama, Television. The crowd goes wild for Geena Davis, oddly.

8:32 -- Or not so oddly: she wins. (1-for-3 in my picks.) What the? Well, still better than Patricia Arquette. The seventeen-foot tall Davis tramples several smaller actresses on her way to the stage. Davis tells a touching story about a young girl who spoke to her before the awards ceremony, and said, "Because of you, I want to be President some day." The crowd "Awwww"s and applauds. Davis continues, "Well, that didn't actually happen." Awesome. Funniest bit of the evening so far. She mocks the gullible crowd: "Awwww."

8:33 -- Davis says of Donald Sutherland, "He is the god at whose altar I worship." I say something very dirty about that. Ian says, "You have to put that in your blog!" I remind him of a joke he said that he made me take out: "You got a freebie, I get a freebie." Clearly, I'm not yet drunk enough to be quite so mean in print. But from here on out, no more Mr. Nice Guy!

8:35 -- Evangeline Lilly and Ian McShane come out to present Best Actor in a Drama, Television. They may be my favorite man and woman on TV (but not in that order).

8:36 -- In what I thought was the surest lock in the TV side of the show, Hugh Laurie wins. Nice. I'm 2-for-4 in my picks. Hugh Laurie claims there are 172 people he needs to thank, and he's going to pick three at random out of his pocket. Funny bit.

8:43 -- Melanie Griffith comes out. I say eagerly, "She's gonna do something fucked up." She presents Miss Golden Globe, Dakota Johnson, which is only apropos, as Griffith is both a former Miss Golden Globe herself, and the mother, with Don Johnson, of the current Miss Golden Globe. She then presents a clip from The Producers. Whee.

8:46 -- Matt Dillon and Queen Latifah come out to present Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television. There is a long, awkward pause, then Dillon turns to Latifah: "I think you're up."

8:48 -- Empire Falls wins. Whoopty-doo.

8:50 -- William Petersen and Pamela Anderson come out to present Best Actor in a Comedy, Television. "Beauty and the geek," Petersen says of the two of them. And Steve Carell wins! Sweet! My picks are 3-for-5, and a very funny, very deserving man gets an award. He gives a very funny speech, supposedly written by his wife. "Thanks also to an excellent cast, crew, and writing staff... if it were not for you, I would not be here right now -- I don't know about that."

8:57 -- Tim Robbins presents a clip from Constant Gardener. I don't know, still sounds boring to me. Ian: "Always with the gardening!"

8:59 -- Frickin' Jamie Foxx. Presenting Best Actress, Comedy or Musical. Surest lock of the evening, any category: Reese Witherspoon. She says, "My husband just hit me so hard, I almost fell over." Spouse abuse!

9:02 -- Chris Rock comes out. "It's Martin Luther King's birthday!" Well, it's the bank holiday celebrating his birthday, at least. Is it his actual birthday today? Anyway, he continues: "I want everyone to relax -- you only have to be nice to black people for two more hours."

9:03 -- He presents Best Actress in a Comedy, Television, and rips on all the nominess for being from shows which don't sound very funny. Good for him. Winner: Mary-Louise Parker! What an upset! Rock even laughs, reading the name, "Wow-how-how!" I'm 3-for-6. I think. I'll need to double check my math later.

9:10 -- Emma Thompson comes out to present. I say her name, then immediately forget it. I ask Ian her name. He says, "Emma... fuck it." I think he's had more beer than me, but just barely. "I get bored saying sentences," he adds. She presents a clip from Pride & Prejudice. Ian eagerly waits for the line in the clip, "You have bewtiched me, body and soul," then yells, "YES!!"

9:12 -- Eric Bana and Kate Beckinsale present Best Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie.

9:14 -- Jonathan Rhys Myers wins for Elvis. He played Elvis, and he's Irish? What the?

9:18 -- Best Actress in Etc. goes to S. Epatha Merkerson. Why do the awards keep going to people whose names are so damn hard to spell?

9:25 -- Colin Firth presents a clip for Match Point.

9:27 -- Harrison Ford and Virginia Madsen come out to present. I think this is the only kind of promotion Ford does for his movies anymore -- presenting at awards shows that coincide with the film's release. Best Screenplay goes to Brokeback Mountain.

9:34 -- Jill Hennessy and Josh Duhamel present Best Comedy Series. Fuckin' Desperate Housewives. Whatever. I'm 3-for-7 (maybe).

9:38 -- Here's Penelope Cruz. Look, I grant you, she's got big ol' boobs, if I may be blunt. But there is something wrong with her face.

9:39 -- Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker present Best Foreign Language Film. Paradise Now, Palestine.

9:46 -- Catherine Deneuve comes out, and I'm so pleased I spell her name right on the first try. Ian says, "Oh beer, at least you treat me right." Then, "How long is this fuckin' thing??" Deneuve presents a clip from History of Violence. That's probably the #1 movie of last year I want to see, but haven't yet. Then Ian and I get off on a discussion imagining if David Cronenberg had directed Spider-Man. It would've starred Jason Schwartzman, and Spider-Man would have mutated with a bunch of mechanical vaginas covering his body.

9:47 -- Julian McMahon and Rosario Dawson present Best Score. Memoirs of a Geisha. I could not care less at this point. Really, I can't imagine a point at which I would care.

9:49 -- Here comes Mariah Carey and her Golden Globes again. Best Song goes to Brokeback Mountain. Right now, Ian is talking to my Batman action figure with the silver costume. "Silver Batman, how did you like Chronicles of Narnia?" "I thought it was better than Lord of the Rings because it had a great big lion in it," Silver Batman answers. "Did you know that lion was meant to be Jesus?" Ian asks. "Jesus Christ, that was a big lion!!" says Silver Batman. Later, Ian says, "Did you know Virginia Woolf was the first movie to use the word 'fuck'?" Silver Batman says, "Holy shit!" Ian says, "Silver Batman, you don't care for that language, do you?" Silver Batman says, "I'm a Mormon!" Silver Batman says, "I have 700 wives." Ian says, "Silver Batman, you're not fooling anyone. You mean you have 700 husbands." Silver Batman says, "You've found me out!!" Later: "Silver Batman, what's your favorite movie?" Silver Batman says, "700 Husbands for 700 Brothers."

This goes on for ten minutes. Ian wants me to tell you there are mitigating circumstances for this conversation: he's incredibly drunk.

9:56 -- Gwyneth Paltrow introduces Anthony Hopkins for his Cecil B. Demille award. I'm going to fast forward through this bit.

10:11 -- Mandy Moore presents a clip from The Squid and the Whale. This is the #2 movie of last year I want to see but haven't yet.

10:12 -- Clint Eastwood presents Best Director. It's Ang Lee. I have no joke.

10:17 -- John Travolta comes out to present Best Actor, Comedy. He calls Pierce Brosnan "Pierce Bronson." Joaquin Phoenix wins, and Ian makes a Gene Shalit-like pun on his name -- "Joaquin is walk-een over his competition!!"

10:24 -- Tim McGraw comes out to present the clip for Walk the Line. I don't know why I keep mentioning things I have no joke for.

10:26 -- The reanimated corpse of Renee Zellweger presents Best Comedy or Musical to Walk the Line, which, again, is neither. Whatever. Ian wants me to say: to make some money in the fifties, Johnny Cash performed the voice of Mr. Ed. Ian is so drunk, it's gone from funny to not even funny back to funny again. I think he's going to throw up on my carpet.

10:34 -- The cast of Will & Grace present Best Drama, Television. If Commander-in-Chief fuckin' wins, I will shake my tiny fist in rage. Or Prison Break.

10:37 -- It's Lost. Dorian's worst enemy, Damon Lindelof, accepts the award. And he actually thanks Dorian, which I think is pretty cool of him.

10:39 -- Dennis Quaid presents the last clip for Best Drama for the evening, for Brokeback Mountain. He says, "It's a controversial film -- well, let's just say it rhymes with 'chick flick'." Oh, do you mean DICK FLICK?? Dennis Quaid, you fucking moron.

10:41 -- Leonardo DiCaprio presents Best Actress, Drama. They show Natalie Portman in the crowd, and she has a look on her face like DiCaprio slept with her once and never called her back. Just speculatin' here.

10:42 -- Felicity Huffman wins! I called it, but I can't calculate how I'm doing on my picks just now. Because of the heroin. I mean, beer. During her speech, she salutes the bravery of transgendered people. They cut to the crowd to show Charlize Theron applauding -- but right behind her, Jamie Foxx is scowling his displeasure. He is so not down with this. It's kind of funny, in a hateful way.

10:48 -- Hilary Swank presents Best Actor, Drama. Russell Crowe punches her in the face.

10:49 -- Philip Seymour Hoffman wins for Capote. Ian says: to make some money in the fifties, Truman Capote performed the voice of Droopy Dog.

10:54 -- Denzel Washington presents Best Picture, Drama. Seems pretty obvious at this point. And it goes to -- Brokeback Mountain. I was already typing that before he said it. Ian says this is making up for the fact that The Hulk was shut out. And dammit, he's right. The only way Brokeback could've been better is if the main characters were the Hulk and the Thing. Ian wants me to specifically say that that last joke was mine, not his, "because it's not funny." Fuck him! That's comedy.

10:58 -- Denzel says, "Thank you for watching, and good night." A dignified ending, and in under the three-hour time allowance. If there's one thing the Oscars can learn from the Golden Globes -- and there are probably several things, actually -- it's how to end a show on time.

I'm going to have to look over this post tomorrow and see what exactly Ian and I came up with here. I'm not optimistic. But the hell with it, it's time to put the final update behind me and watch some Freaks and Geeks on DVD. Till next year!

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