Monday, January 16, 2006

TV: Minute-by-Minute at the 2006 Golden Globes Pre-Show

7:00 -- Live! Everywhere but in the time zone where it actually takes place! It's the 2006 Golden Globes Arrivals Special! It's the "party of the year," which seems like a pretty hefty claim for an event taking place on January 16. Hostess Nancy O'Dell, rockin' some navel-deep cleavage, boasts about the "glitter-cams" covering the event. I drink deeply from my first beer.

7:01 -- O'Dell introduces her co-hosts, Shaun Robinson, who is a woman, and Dean Cain, who needs a new agent.

O'Dell talks for an agonizingly long time to Julian McMahon, who babbles about the evil doctors he's played -- Dr. Christian on Nip/Tuck, and Dr. Doom in Fantastic Four. McMahon has been signed for the sequel. I'm sure we're all looking forward to that. McMahon gives an uncomfortably sloppy smooch to O'Dell as he leaves. I think he's been hitting the bottle earlier and harder than I have.

7:03 -- Speaking of FF, the woman named Shaun talks to Jessica Alba. She's producing a video game, she says. What the?

7:04 -- O'Dell is talking to Will Ferrell. He's refreshingly low-key. I think Ferrell's the funniest dude around, but it's always nice to see a comedian who doesn't feel like he has to be aggressively "on" every second of the day.

7:05 -- Female Shaun touches Gwyneth Paltrow's pregnant belly, then presses her on the sex of the baby. Creepy. Also, she mentions director John Madden, which always disorients me. I expect a big fat football guy to yell, "Less filling! Tastes great!"

7:06 -- Back to O'Dell and Geena Davis. Man, where's Dean Cain? Geena Davis is eight feet tall. Things get a little awkward when O'Dell asks if we're ready for a female president, and Davis doesn't automatically say yes.

7:07 -- Cain says he is replacing Dick Clark. Way to bum me out, man. Guest liveblogger Ian Brill asks if there wasn't a time when Cain would've been on the red carpet, instead of hosting. I'm not sure if we're better off or not, as a country.

7:12 -- O'Dell asks Pierce Brosnan about the underwear-in-the-lobby scene from The Matador. Of course she does.

7:13 -- Marcia Cross is wicked hot. That is all.

O'Dell asks Brosnan about James Bond, because the hosts apparently are required to ask the most obnoxiously awkward questions possible of every celebrity.

7:14 -- Female Shaun talks to Pamela Anderson, who is wearing something guaranteed to show up on Go Fug Yourself tomorrow.

7:15 -- O'Dell induces Chris Rock into saying the n-word while speaking about Everybody Hates Chris. I think he says it just to freak her out, because he's sick of talking to her.

7:18 -- Female Shaun asks George Clooney when he's getting married, because the hosts apparently are required to ask the most obnoxiously awkward questions possible of every celebrity. Clooney says, "Tonight." Ian says, "Is it always this bad?" Wow, 18 minutes before having to ask that. Sorry, Ian -- it's going to get a lot worse.

7:22 -- Mandy Moore is dating Zach Braff?? Tom: "That lucky motherfucker!" Ian: "I guess that's what fame does for a gawky Jew. That's what I look like, and I don't get Mandy Moore."

7:24 -- Charlie Theron is rockin' a sheer dress that highlights her belly button. I would kill any seven of you for that belly button. O'Dell, Ian points out, does not seem to recall the title of Theron's Oscar-winning film, Monster. She calls it, "your movie where you got so many awards."

7:31 -- Do people still think Penelope Cruz is attractive? Just checking.

7:32 -- Lisa Rinna prompts my first "Golden Globes" joke. Jesus, try working on your acting rather than your bustline. Just a suggestion. Also: yowza.

7:33 -- Female Shaun goes for the double-awkward when talking to Hilary Swank. First, straight to her break-up with Chad Lowe. How's the horrible, crushing divorce? Enjoy the show! Then she asks her to show off her muscles. She's not actually a boxer, Shaun.

7:34 -- Speaking of Golden Globes, here's Mariah Carey! I instantly call bullshit on O'Dell's claim that Carey has tied Elvis for the most #1 singles of all time, but Ian leaps to her defense. "I read it in Guinness Book of World Records." "No way," I say. Ian: "WHY WOULD GUINNESS LIE TO ME??"

7:36 -- Russell Crowe punches Nancy O'Dell in the face. Not really. But wouldn't that be great? Ian, on Cinderella Man: "Russell Crowe playing someone who beats people up is not a stretch."

7:37 -- Female Shaun talks to "Mr. Matt Dillon." He pauses in the middle of his conversation with her to throw a "Thanks, hon," at Hilary Swank.

7:40 -- After an interminable chat, Female Shaun cuts Matt Dillon off. Ian says of Dillon's blather: "That made me want to kill myself a little."

7:42 -- There's Penelope Cruz again. She's pretty, in a "hit-in-the-face-with-a-2x4" kind of way.

7:46 -- They just showed a commercial showing Jamie Foxx's Ray Charles-esque singing during his acceptance speech last year. I'm thinking, "Thank Christ he's not going to sing this year," and as we come back from commercial, there's Female Shaun talking to Jamie Foxx, and mentioning he has the #1 record in the country. Oh, no. NO, DON'T SING -- but he does. I'm so sick of that guy.

7:49 -- Female Shaun asks Jason Lee what the Golden Globes experience is like so far. He says, "I'd kind of rather be at home taking a nap." Tempting, Jason, tempting! But I've made a pledge to the blogoshereiverse, and I shall not allow myself the luxury of falling asleep in the middle of this abomination.

7:51 -- O'Dell asks the cast of Will & Grace if they think their show helped pave the way for the popularity of Brokeback Mountain. Eric McCormack: "Oh, Brokeback Mountain is hilarious." Nice one.

7:55 -- The three co-hosts gather together to give a grand kiss-off before the main show. Ian: "We should get an award for watching that." On to the real train wreck!

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