BOOKS: The World of Unbelievable Brilliance

Note to self

1. Have child, so that people will not look at you funny when you buy children's books
2. Buy these children's books, from the World of Unbelievable Brilliance series, by "Dr. and Mr. Doris Haggis-on-Whey":


Giraffes? Giraffes!

Sample facts from this book:

--Giraffes invented plastic. No, not plastic--latex. My bad. Still, though, isn't that amazing?

--Frequently Asked Question: Why do we call giraffes "giraffes?" Answer: Because when they came to Earth they asked us to.

--Rarely Asked Question: How fast can giraffes run? The giraffes have tried to phase out running from their lives but if they had to, they could still run much faster than you. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that they can run 780 mph.

Your Disgusting Head: The Darkest, Most Offensive and Moist Secrets of Your Ears, Mouth and Nose

Contains these facts:

--The ear was invented and designed by Feranando de la Mancini Goldfarb, in 1911, which was also a good year for yeast.

--Good Reasons for teeth removal: dentist did it; peer pressure; not sharp enough; found better teeth, like, on the ground; suspected of enjoying flossing; decay and mouth politics.

--The real reason your ears can't hear your pets talking. The answer is simple: your pet is a mumbler.

Apparently these books have something to do with Dave Eggers and McSweeney's (possibly Eggers wrote them; it's hard to tell). I'm not surprised.