Fall 2007 TV: Moonlight

Moonlight (CBS)

That was sheer punishment. What an awful, awful show. This ranks among the very worst hours of television I have ever seen. And I've seen Manimal.

I noted in my Unfair Previews that a show about a vampire detective that actually uses the line, "Being a vampire sucks," indicates tremendously bad writing. Little did I know that line would practically be the highlight of the show. The line is spoken in the first minute, putting the show in a hole it never digs its way out of. In fact, it keeps digging deeper. By the end, it's hit China.

I'd like to be generous and say the horrendous line delivery of the two leads, Alex O'Loughlin as vampire Mick St. John and Sophia Myles as "beautiful, ambitious Internet investigative reporter" (quoting from the CBS home page) Beth Turner, is owing to the fact that they're both attempting American accents. O'Loughlin is Australian, but speaking like an oily Jersey douchebag thug in the lowest echelons of the Sopranos crew. And Myles is British, but speaking like she's had a stroke and is still relearning her verbal skills.

I'd like to be generous, but that would be dishonest. They are both terrible, terrible actors. Myles may in fact be the single worst actress I have ever seen in a non-pornographic production.

The writing, as I said, is wretched, packed with stupid vampire cliches, pathetic attempts at cleverness ("Garlic?" Mick is asked regarding vampire weaknesses; "Tastes good on pizza," he coolly replies), and endless repetition. I lost count of which happens more, Mick tells someone, "There's no such thing as vampires," or he reminds the audience that he is in fact a vampire during his pointless, moronic narration. They're both in the double digits, I'm betting. The title of the episode is actually, no fooling, "There's No Such Thing as Vampires." This is the kind of show where someone will be talking to Mick, they'll turn their back on him for a second, then turn back again -- to reveal he's dramatically disappeared! He's not a vampire, he's Batman!!

My jaw dropped open at the staggering stupidity of it all at around the twenty minute mark. I was wincing with pain after forty minutes. By the end of the show, I was ready to punch my hand through the TV screen and slash my wrist on the jagged glass.

The only minuscule spark of life in this whole fiasco is Jason Dohring, late of Veronica Mars, and I have to assume the two or three lines of his that are any good were ad-libs. Even Kevin Weisman, so entertaining as Marshall Flinkman on Alias, is a disappointment.

I am now actually looking forward to the Geico Cavemen sitcom, to cleanse my palate of the foul taste of this garbage. I feel like apologizing for all the bad things I've said about Gossip Girl, which can't possibly be cruddier than this. I can only hope and pray that this is the worst new show I will have to see for the rest of this year, or ever.

Rating: 1 out of 10 (there is no zero on my rating scale, but if there were, this would be it)