TV: Fox's new sitcoms

So, I've seen a couple of episodes of Life on a Stick, and I've come to a conclusion that most of you likely arrived at without having to watch a single minute: it pretty much sucks. But I'm kind of fascinated by the way it sucks.

The lead "actor", Zachary Knighton, couldn't be stiffer if he were shellacked. He appears to be reading every single line from a cue card, and having to pronounce the words phonetically. It's hypnotic to watch him work, and wonder how he ever got an acting job, or how his character ever got such a hot girlfriend. His buddy, Charlie Finn, has a similarly awkward, stilted delivery, but somehow puts a spin on it that makes it clear his performance is intentionally quirky (which actually works for him), while Knighton's is just plain bad. Then there's the girlfriend, Rachelle Lefevre, who, there's no way of getting around it, is smokin' hot. Almost unbearably so. Seriously. Hot. As a comedic actress? She's nice to look at. Very flat delivery that only gets worse when she's interacting with Knighton.

Then there's Knighton's younger sister, played by Saige Thompson. Her character thinks, and the show whole-heartedly agrees, that she is plain-looking at best, if not downright unattractive. The problem here is: she's actually quite lovely, by any standards but those in the Life on a Stick world. Because of Lefevre, and Amy Yasbeck, who plays her mother, the implication is that if you're not tall with curly and/or voluminous red hair, you are dog meat. Thompson is of medium height, with flat dishwater blonde hair. Which makes her ugly, apparently. It's disturbing the way her TV family agrees with her when she derides herself as unpretty: the brother will offer sympathy, rather than disagree, or the mom will immodestly make reference to her own gorgeous appearance. This is the kind of thing that could mess a young actress up in later years. Just ask Tracey Gold.

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The new Pamela Anderson sitcom Stacked (get it?? It's the name of the bookstore, but it also means Pamela Anderson has big boobs!! And she'll show them to you for a shiny new nickel!!) actually looked briefly interesting to me when I saw who else was in it: Christopher Lloyd, and Tom Everett Scott, whom I've liked ever since his film debut in That Thing You Do!, which is an underrated comedy classic, and I'm not afraid to say it! Maybe, I thought, if those two were involved, there might be some semblance of quality to the project.

Well, from the commercials they've been running, it's clear Lloyd just wants to get paid (it was foolish of me ever to have thought otherwise); I wouldn't be surprised if he were demanding a paycheck after every scene. And Tom Everett Scott is... gone. In the earliest promos, he was there. In the newer ones, he ain't. It's some other dude. He's been replaced! They actually replaced the one potentially good thing about the show. It's a funny place, Hollywood.

Will I still watch when it debuts Wednesday? At least an episode or two, I think. Don't look at me like that! Jesus, we've already established I've been watching Life on a Stick! How high could my standards possibly be?