Tuesday, November 21, 2006

TV: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened

One last post before the Thanksgiving hiatus, and it's a cranky one. I was saving this post about O.J.'s TV special until November 26, the day before it was to air. But this news report [via] has rendered the post moot -- and has also made Rupert Murdoch look human for the first time since he poked fun of himself on The Simpsons.

But I can't bear to let such delicious vitriol go to waste, deleted and unseen. So, here you go: a now completely irrelevant spewing of rage. Enjoy!

On Monday, November 27, Fox will air the first of a two-part special called O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened, in which Simpson "speculates" as to how he would have murdered his wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her companion, Ronald Goldman, "if" he were the one responsible for those heinous crimes. By a remarkable coincidence, his interviewer, Judith Regan, is also the publisher of his new book, also called If I Did It, due to be released November 30.

First of all, that title is a grammatical mess. Try something like, Had I Done It, Here's How It Would Have Happened. The clause "Here's How It Happened" implies reality, not the "fictitious" version Simpson is relating. Because of course he didn't really do it!! A jury of idiots his peers found him not guilty and everything.

Secondly: I'm not advocating the murder of O.J. Simpson on the grounds that the continued existence of such a vicious, vile, repugnant, remorseless, worthless waste of skin is a detriment to humanity as a whole. I would never say anything like that. [EDIT: Although Salon would. Or pretty close to it, anyway.] And certainly, I am not saying that I, personally, desire to end his life. Saying such a thing, speculating on the method one would use to kill another human being, would be repellent beyond comprehension. But IF I DID IT, here's how it would go down:

I would flay him with barbed wire. I would salt his wounds. I would pry off his fingernails and toenails and I would crush his extremities. I would force his mouth open and burn his tongue to a charred ruin with a red hot poker. I would strangle him into unconsciousness, revive him, and do it again. And again, and again. I would break every bone in his body, one by one. But I would spare his eyes. Because at long, long last, I would eviscerate him, and burn his entrails right in front of his face, before crushing his skull with a hammer as the last remnants of his life slipped away.

But like I said, I would never, ever, ever consider doing or suggest someone else should do anything remotely like that. Because then how would O.J. find the real killers?

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