TiVo: Let's start with the big one

You know what I love? TiVo.

I used to say the debit card was the greatest invention of the last 100 years. (One card! And it does everything! It's magic!!) Well, TiVo is better, my friends. Great TiVo, giver of life.

Every second with my TiVo, I rue the 32 years of my life I spent without it, wasting my time on useless crap like reading, socializing with friends, moving my muscles, etc. I would take TiVo intravenously if I could. I would stick it in my earholes and smoke it in a pipe. I'd bake it in a cake and eat it. I like it, all right?

Plus, I've got it in conjunction with DirecTV, which allows you to TiVo two channels at once. That one channel at a time nonsense is a sucker's game. You gots to get the two-channel hook-up, dawg. Get this: you can record two channels at once, and watch a third, previously-recorded program at the same time. It's like seeing the face of God.

So, as an intro to the kind of TV lover I am, and the truly sickening amounts of time I spend watching it, here's a list of all the programs I currently have on my TiVo's Season Pass list (which automatically records every new episode, bless its little electronic heart).

1. The Amazing Race 5 (beginning next week; best of all the reality shows by far)
2. The Shield (previously #1, but the season just ended; it's my favorite show on the air)
3. Arrested Development (one of the two best sitcoms currently airing)
4. Scrubs (the other one)
5. Coupling
6. Alias
7. Gilmore Girls
8. Smallville
9. The Daily Show (next to The Shield, my favorite show; it's not higher on the list because there are so many repeats -- if an episode doesn't get recorded due to conflict with a higher priority Season Pass, I can always catch the next airing)
10. Justice League (gotta dig that Flash)
11. Teen Titans
12. Dinner for Five (if you don't get IFC, you're missing out)
13. Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
14. Ebert & Roeper
15. Joan of Arcadia
16. Insomniac with Dave Attell
17. South Park
18. Kim Possible (yeah, that's right, Kim Possible. It's funny, okay?)
19. Late Night Poker
20. Monk
21. Star Wars: Clone Wars (no new episodes any time soon, but I keep it on here so I don't forget)
22. Celebrity Poker Showdown
23. Less than Perfect

And this by no means is anywhere near the total list of programs I watch. The Simpsons, Enterprise, The Drew Carey Show, Futurama, Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Sealab 2021, World Poker Tour, Match Game, Dave the Barbarian, Iron Chef, That '70s Show, Survivor... really, it's enough to break a weaker man's will. But I persevere. Nay, I thrive! And I do it for you, so that you don't have to.

But you should. TiVo's really, really cool.