Monday, January 15, 2007

TV: Minute-by-Minute at the 2007 Golden Globes

The 2006 Golden Globes Pre-Show.

The 2006 Golden Globes.

My 2007 Golden Globes Picks.

There doesn't appear to be an official network Pre-Show this year, and I don't feel like searching for one on cable, like on the TV Guide Channel, or E! That's a surefire recipe for disaster. Never know where you might run into Joan Rivers! And I may be a glutton for punishment, but I'm not that masochistic. So let's jump right into the main ceremony!

8:00 -- Live! Everywhere but the time zone in which it actually occurs! It's the 64th Annual Golden Globes! An anonymous announcer declares it "Hollywood's party of the year," and, as usual, I feel that's a pretty hefty claim for an event taking place on January 15. Might as well write off the remaining 350 days in the year right now, Hollywood, 'cause apparently this is as good as it gets!

8:01 -- As usual, a horrible intro song plays over taped highlights of the stars on the red carpet. Sounds like Beyoncé, singing the phrase "One night only" ad infinitum. Have I mentioned how much I'm not looking forward to seeing Dreamgirls?

8:02 -- Inside the auditorium, George Clooney takes the stage, and says, "All right, here we go, let's get started." Whatever else may be wrong with the Globes (and there's a lot), I always admire the ceremony's straightforwardness. There are no opening monologues, no clip reels, no performance numbers. It's just award after award, with the winners having the luxury to enjoy themselves and give memorable, unrushed acceptance speeches. Now that I've jinxed everything, let's see what happens next.

8:03 -- Clooney is presenting Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. "And the first one goes to... Leonardo DiCaprio, strangely." I love that. The presenters don't get to screw around like that at the Oscars. The award actually goes to... Jennifer Hudson! I love jumping out to an early lead on my picks. 1-for-1.

8:04 -- Hudson thanks God. God says, "Fuck you, I picked Rinko Kikuchi in the office pool."

8:06 -- Justin Timberlake presents Best Song. "Leo again?" he says. Don't push it.

8:08 -- It actually goes to Prince, who's not there. Timberlake spends like a full minute waiting for Prince to show up, then finally catches on. He crouches down about a half a foot in front of the microphone and says, "I'd like to accept this award on his behalf." Seriously, I want to not like Justin Timberlake, but when he does stuff like this, or like "Dick in a Box" -- heaven help me, but he's funny!

8:11 -- Adrian Grenier and Eva Longoria introduce Miss Golden Globe, Lorraine Nicholson -- Jack's daughter. Man, you thought your parents were embarrassing. Think about what Lorraine must have to deal with. Imagine your father giving interviews to Rolling Stone magazine in which he says stuff like, "But I love being able to say things like, 'Cunt is an acronym.' 'For what?' 'For can't-understand-normal-thinking.'" She probably just wants to crawl under a rock and die. Except, you know, for being totally rich and getting to be Miss Golden Globe and that kind of thing. That probably eases the pain.

8:13 -- Grenier and Longoria present Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television (what a mouthful!). It goes to Jeremy... Irons. Not Piven. I started chalking up another win in my picks before they got to the last name. I wonder if Piven started to stand up. Oh well. Irons gives a humorous, if rambling speech.

8:15 -- Presenter David Spade is introduced as the star of The Showbiz Show. Shouldn't they be promoting his soon-to-debut sitcom instead? Or, better: shouldn't David Spade not be on TV anymore?

8:16 -- Spade, along with Tina Fey, who is looking hot, present Best Actress in a TV Drama to Kyra Sedgwick. In the audience, Sedgwick does this totally phony, hand-to-open-mouth, "I can't believe it" act that I don't buy for a second. Husband Kevin Bacon is there. Have I mentioned recently that I'm only two degrees of separation from him? No? Well, I am. It's true!

8:18 -- Here's why I don't buy the "who, me?" routine. She gets on stage, and gives a long, humorless, from-memory recital of the names of every single person involved in her professional career, from executives at TNT and Warner Bros. to her manager to her publicist to her lawyer. Who thanks their lawyer?? You're not fooling anyone, Sedgwick. By the way, that makes me 1-for-4. Ouch!

8:19 -- Oh good lord. Rather than being confined to the red carpet outside, Nancy O'Dell and Maria Menounos are inside the auditorium and hijacking the ceremony to conduct interviews. Are the Golden Globes now a subsidiary of Access Hollywood? Menounos talks to Sedgwick. It's very interesting, if by "interesting" you mean "not interesting."

8:24 -- Remember those old Warner Bros. cartoons where Frank Sinatra is depicted as so skinny he disappears behind his microphone stand? That's what Naomi Watts looks like, especially in that shapeless dress. Meow! What a bitch I am.

8:25 -- She introduces a clip from Babel, and accordingly she babbles a bit, especially when saying the names of the writer and director. Foreign names are hard!

8:26 -- Squinty McGee -- sorry, Renée Zellweger -- salutes the Hollywood Foreign Press. Those darn foreigners again! Then some guy from the Foreign Press speaks, and it's death.

8:27 -- What the hell is going on with Will Ferrell's hair?

8:28 -- Presenters Jessica Biel and Sean Combs -- wait. Did they just say Puff Daddy is starring in an upcoming TV version of Raisin in the Sun?? Oh, HELL no. That sounds appalling. Watch him win a Golden Globe for it next year.

8:30 -- Emily Blunt wins the award for Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television (and the Golden Globes lose the award for Brevity in an Award Title). Man, I'm about 45 minutes behind real time on the TiVo already. Well, these beers aren't going to drink themselves! (I know, I've tried.)

8:31 -- The cast of Heroes presents Best Actor, TV Drama to Hugh Laurie for House. This is the first pick I'm happy to have lost on -- and I've lost on a lot of them already (I'm a miserable 1-for-6.)

8:32 -- Laurie thanks "a truly wonderful crew. I know everyone says they have a wonderful crew, and logically that can't be the case. They can't all be wonderful. Somebody somewhere is working with a crew of drunken thieves."

8:34 -- Laurie: "I would like to thank Robert Sean Leonard -- I can't remember why." Now this is the kind of speech I look for at the Globes. Awesome.

8:36 -- O'Dell speaks to Hilary Swank out in the crowd. I don't know which is most distasteful about O'Dell -- her orangey fake tan, her alarmingly overexposed cleavage, or her very existence. (It can be all three.)

8:40 -- Charlie Sheen introduces his brother's directorial effort, Bobby.

8:41 -- Sheen forces Emilio Estevez to stand up in the audience. Man, I haven't seen the Vez for so long, I was afraid he'd be all bloated and sad. But he looks as good as he did fifteen years ago (which is approximately the last time I saw him act in a film released in theaters).

8:42 -- Steve Carell presents, in suprisingly unfunny fashion, Best Animated Feature to Cars. Woohoo, I got another one right! That's the first one since... the first one. I'm... 2-for-7? Can that be right? (It might not -- it takes a lot of alcohol to get through this show.)

8:46 -- When Joaquin Phoenix announces the nominees for Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy, Annette Bening does a "who, me?" routine that's about ten times phonier than the one Kyra Sedgwick pulled earlier. GOD, I hope she doesn't win.

8:47 -- She doesn't. It's Meryl Streep. I'm 3-for-8! (Fingers crossed I'll hit .500!)

8:48 -- Streep pulls out a written-down speech. There are a couple of audible groans from the crowd. (I bet one of them is Nicholson.) Streep: "Oh, shut up, it's not that long."

8:48 -- They briefly cut to Reese Witherspoon in the audience. Man, she looks fantastic now that she's had that unsightly lump of hers surgically removed. By which I mean Ryan Phillippe.

8:49 -- Streep thanks "Delicious Emily Blunt, darling Annie Hathaway... dreadful Stanley Tucci." I love Meryl Streep. See, she doesn't pretend like this is all a surprise. Not that she's acting entitled (*ahem* Annette Bening), not that she's been jaded by it all -- it's just that she doesn't have to put up a facade of "oh, I never would've thought I'd win, now here are the names of forty people I've memorized by pure coincidence." She's just grateful, and graceful, and genuine, and unpretentious, and this is a small reason why she's the best.

8:55 -- As Ben Stiller comes out to present a clip from Borat, half the audience is still on their feet, talking and mingling, and they audibly and lazily find their ways to their seats as Stiller speaks. I get a kick out of that.

8:58 -- Salma Hayek looks hot as she presents Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television to Elizabeth I (which is not a prequel). That makes me 4-for-9 (I think).

9:00 -- As Rachel Weisz announces Eddie Murphy as a nominee for Best Supporting Actor, Motion Picture -- you can see Prince sitting at the table behind him! What the?! Where the hell was he earlier? No wonder Timberlake waited for him for so long.

9:01 -- Eddie wins! A second Dreamgirls acting nod, making me 5-for-10 (at last), but I still don't think the film is going to win any other major awards. I think my reasoning, so woefully far off in other categories, is dead-on in regards to Dreamgirls and its potential haul.

9:04 -- Regarding that commercial for NBC's Thursday night sitcoms that has been running so frequently: Jim and Pam did not become "Jam," and Dwight and Angela most certainly did not become "Dwangela." Shut up now.

9:06 -- The fact that presenter Sarah Jessica Parker is a four-time Golden Globe winner makes me a little sad. And definitely makes me question the integrity (and sobriety) of the Hollywood Foreign Press. She presents a clip for The Devil Wears Prada.

9:08 -- Terence Howard and Sienna Miller present Best Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie to Bill Nighy. I'd be resentful for missing a pick (5-for-11) if not for the fact that Nighy was in Shaun of the Dead which is awesome, and earns my forgiveness.

9:11 -- Howard and Miller also present Best Actress in Etc. It's no surprise that it goes to Helen Mirren. It's for Elizabeth I (my pick -- 6-for-12), not Prime Suspect. Mirren defeats Mirren! In a steel cage match. (Now that, I would watch.)

9:17 -- Huh. When did I start hating Cameron Diaz? That's weird. Anyway, she presents a clip from The Departed. Which awesomely includes a snippet of a Dropkick Murphys song.

9:20 -- Jake Gyllenhall and Hilary Swank come out to present Best Screenplay. I just want you to know that I don't even have to look up how to spell their names anymore (not even whether "Hilary" has one L or two). I've done enough of these awards show recaps now, even the most difficult-to-spell name is a breeze for me. (As long as they've been nominated a dozen times before.) The Queen wins, by the way. That surprises me; I thought Babel was tailor-made for screenplay awards.

[EDIT 2/23/07: I can't believe nobody ever caught me on this. In bragging about my spelling skills, I wound up misspelling one of those names. Jake's last name is Gyllenhaal. With a double "a" at the end, instead of a double "l". Whoops!]

9:21 -- The Queen's screenwriter delivers a brief, mild political speech, and then announces that he's being told to wrap up, and rushes offstage. What? That's part of the charm of the Golden Globes -- there's not supposed to be a time limit on acceptance speeches. I wonder why he was rushed off... or if he overreacted to a mild hurry-up from somewhere and left too early.

9:22 -- Vanessa Williams and Tim Allen present Best Actor, TV, Musical or Comedy. Allen says of Williams, "If looks were a minute, this would be a long day," which I get a kick out of. But then he announces the award as "Best Actor in a TV Series or Comedy," which is close, but not quite right. He follows up by crediting nominee Alec Baldwin as starring in 3rd Rock, which is very different from 30 Rock. I think Allen's been hitting the open bar a little too often.

9:23 -- Alec Baldwin wins, and if it were anyone else depriving Carell of an award (and me of a correct pick -- 6-for-14), I'd be upset. But it's Alec frickin' Baldwin. He's so great on that show, I can't hold it against him for a second.

9:24 -- There's a bizarre, but simultaneously awesome, shot of Jack Nicholson and Puff Daddy side-by-side, giving Baldwin a standing ovation. What were they talking about just before that moment? What it's like banging Lil Kim? Or Angie Dickinson?

9:24 -- When Baldwin thanks Tina Fey, you can see Jenna Fischer sitting behind her at the next table. A double-shot of adorable!

9:29 -- Geena Davis and James Woods present Best TV Comedy. Oh, James Woods, it's comedy enough that you're inches shorter than Geena Davis.

9:31 -- It goes to Ugly Betty, and I know I said if any show but The Office won, it would mean the fix was in. But I was halfway expecting this. Still doesn't mean it's right, but at least it's not Desperate Housewives-level disgraceful.

9:35 -- Jamie Foxx presents a clip for Dreamgirls. Wow, was it only three years ago that I wasn't sick of him?

9:36 -- The Globes try to throw me for a loop with the next presenter, but I'm going to say his name is spelled Djimon Hounsou without checking, and I'm sticking with it. Also with him is Basic Instinct star Shahrrone Stowunn. (Ha! You see what I did there with the oh never mind.)

9:38 -- They present Best Foreign Language Film to Letters From Iwo Jima. I didn't notice until now that Clint Eastwood was sitting next to Steven Spielberg. Wait -- Spielberg is one of the producers? Interesting. Eastwood opens with, "You don't know what this does for my confidence," echoing an earlier line from Jennifer Hudson. Funny.

9:45 -- Jeremy Irons introduces a clip from The Queen. I think he's been drinking with Tim Allen. Also, the entire show is over by now, while I'm still playing catch-up on TiVo. Look, you can have timely liveblogging, or you can let me have some much-needed beers, and the leisure time to look up things like a link to the You Tube video of "Dick in a Box." Can't have it both ways!

9:46 -- Presenter Hugh Grant informs us that Prince was stuck in traffic earlier when he missed his win, and he gives Prince a moment in the spotlight, which is cool. Then Grant and Drew Barrymore award Best Original Score to The Painted Veil. Whoopee.

9:47 -- Jennifer Love Hewitt and John Stamos present Best Actress, TV, Musical or Comedy. You can tell by the way the audience goes wild when she's announced as a nominee, America Ferrera is going to win. And she does. I just want to note here that it's a sad day when the Golden Globe dresses are so conservative, not even Jennifer Love Hewitt can elicit a lewd "Golden Globes" pun from me. Hell, Nancy O'Dell is the only one who's even tried tonight, and that just makes me nauseous.

9:50 -- Ferrera's speech is tear-filled and emotional from beginning to end. I want to cry, too, but then I realize it's just because my beer is empty.

9:53 -- It's Menounos again. Dammit. Ferrera stands dutifully next to her while Menounos babbles endlessly about other stuff; Ferrera finally says screw it and wanders off. Menounos has to drag her back onscreen, and then she leads with this question: "What do you say to all those people out there who did not want you to play Ugly Betty?" Fuck YOU, Maria Menounos, you dumb bitch. God, way to ruin a wonderful moment. You ruin everything, you ruiner! Ferrera, for her part, is gobsmacked: "I don't know. I don't know who they are."

9:59 -- Tom Hanks gives a pretty funny introduction for Warren Beatty's Cecil B. DeMille award. Then there are some nice clips from Beatty movies. I'm gonna gloss over this part. But I will say it is not possible to overpraise Bonnie and Clyde. Great, great film. Same for McCabe and Mrs. Miller, only greater.

10:10 -- Beatty finally takes the stage. I'm gonna gloss over this part, too. He goes on for quite a while.

10:23 -- Dustin Hoffman presents a clip from Little Miss Sunshine. He also threatens Ishtar 2 if we're not good.

10:24 -- Steven Spielberg presents Best Director, Motion Picture to -- Martin Scorsese! I miss another pick, but frankly I'm just happy for Scorsese. I don't know if he necessarily deserves it -- I haven't seen every film nominated, but I certainly loved the hell out of The Departed -- but I really hope he finally, FINALLY gets his directing Oscar this year, because if not now, when? I think this makes me 8-for-19. I'll have to double check tomorrow.

10:27 -- Reese Witherspoon gives Best Actor, Musical or Comedy, to Sacha Baron Cohen, for Borat. (Another win for me -- 9-for-20?)

10:30 -- Cohen, on his naked wrestling partner, Ken Davitian: "When I was in that scene, and I stared down and saw your two wrinkled golden globes on my chin, I thought to myself, 'I'd better win a bloody award for this.'"

10:36 -- Dane fuckin' Cook is presenting? Why not just get the chimp from MVP: Most Valuable Primate? He's a better actor, and doesn't steal his material from Louis C.K. Inexplicably, Cook introduces a clip to Thank You For Smoking.

10:37 -- Aw, crap. Jennifer Lopez presents Best Musical or Comedy to Dreamgirls (well, at least it's actually a musical, as opposed to previous winners Ray and Walk the Line). Guess my theory was wrong. I'm 9-for-21, I believe.

10:43 -- My favorite husband-and-wife team, David Arquette and Courteney Cox, present Best Drama, TV, to -- Grey's Anatomy. Creator/executive producer Shona Rhimes echoes my feelings on this: "Seriously?? Seriously?!?" What horseshit. Shouldn't even have been nominated, especially when The Shield, Deadwood, Battlestar Galactica, and The Wire, to stop at only four, were criminally ignored. Horse. Shit.

10:45 -- Philip Seymour Hoffman delivers the fait accompli of Best Actress, Motion Picture Drama, to Helen Mirren. I actually wrote that sentence before Hoffman read the winner, that's how sure I was.

10:52 -- They're really trying to speed things along now. Felicity Huffman comes out to present Best Actor, Motion Picture Drama. And of course it goes to Leo Di-- wha?? Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland!! WOW. I did not expect that. You know what? I'm going to take this as a validation of his brilliant role on the last season of The Shield, in addition to however good he may have been in this movie. You cool with that?

11:00 -- Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger comes out to present the final award, Best Motion Picture, Drama. Here's my political observation of the evening: Schwarzenegger is now to Republicans what Joe Lieberman is to Democrats. I mean, come on! It takes a Republican governor to push for universal healthcare? When did Schwarzenegger become the best Democratic governor in office?

11:01 -- Well, I was right on this last pick -- Babel wins. (Or as Arnold calls it: Bobbel.) That makes my final tally 10-for-25, if I'm counting correctly. That sucks. I took a few wild guesses here, but there were some sure things that turned out to be not so sure after all, too. Oh well.

11:06 -- Arnold calls things to a close with a "We'll be back" joke. Ugh. Hey, six minutes late -- it's just like the Oscars! I think this is the first time I've watched where the show has run over the alloted time. Usually they manage things much better than this. I guess that's why they rushed some of the winners in their speeches this year. Well, some interesting upsets, some obvious wins, and some food for thought for the upcoming Oscar race. Babel looks like it's established itself as a Crash-style frontrunner, and Forest Whitaker has definitely made a case for himself for Best Actor, even though I think he's being pushed as Best Supporting Actor for the Oscars. Thanks for following along, people. And thanks to Samuel Adams for making good, reasonably-priced beer. Good night!

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