COMICS: All-Star Batman and Robin, the Boy Wonder

At the risk of certain people telling me I just don't "get" it: this was awful. This was a truly bad comic. First of all, apparently I misunderstood the intent of this comic -- I thought it was meant to reinvent the characters for a new, all-ages audience. Obviously I was wrong on the "all-ages" part, but this comic doesn't work for a new audience, period. This is just more fanboy fap material. I couldn't possibly show this to someone who doesn't already love comics -- not even a non-comics reader who loved Batman Begins -- and expect them to enjoy it. They might say, "Hey, who's the hot chick showing her ass?" but that's about it.

Second, what is with the hot chick showing her ass? It's the first issue of a Batman and Robin book, and we get four pages in which Batman appears (three of them only partial views of his cape or hand), no pages of Robin, and five pages of Victoria's Secret Vicki Vale. I get it: Jim Lee draws hot chicks really well. The problem is, I don't feel the urge to masturbate to comic book art, so those five pages were a stupid, pointless waste.

As far as the "no pages of Robin" goes, I think this book would've been much better served by skipping the introductions, and having Batman and Robin already an established crime-fighting team. Yet another retelling of Robin's origin -- who cares? Who gives a rat's ass? Tell a new story.

Then there are any number of additional stupidities already pointed out by many and varied webloggers. "Jocko-Boy Vanzetti" takes out Dick Grayson's parents with between-the-eyes accuracy -- with a handgun from long distance? Vicki Vale takes a nightstick to the face -- and shrugs it off? Dick Grayson pulls a previously-unseen grappling hook and line out of his skintight circus uniform? Or perhaps it just materialized out of his armpit? And, not to harp on it, but the whole Vicki Vale intro scene -- she's got no plans for the evening, yet she's wearing her $500 bra and panties and her high heels, while she's sipping a martini and dictating her column. The lingerie I can maybe almost forgive -- maybe she just got home from the office and changed out of her work clothes (which I assume we will discover next issue are supremely slutty) -- but high heels? And that column she's dictating... is it meant to indicate that she's an idiot? "I mean, come on." "I mean, how lame is that?" "I don't think so, Masked Manhunter." "--and looks? Excuse me. Do not get me started." Perhaps she dictates her column because she's illiterate. And the whole riff she does on her door buzzer, as though she's never heard it before -- why has Frank Miller reimagined Vicki Vale as retarded?

Then we have the final two pages: Batman waits for the cops to pile into their patrol car, then he tears it in half with the Batmobile, setting off explosions which would kill them all (which may just be Jim Lee's hyperactive artwork undermining Miller's writing -- or not, it's hard to tell at this point). Either Batman's a killer, or the Gotham City Police are fireproof. And that big, dramatic, last page reveal of Batman, dangling the terrified, newly-orphaned Dick Grayson by the neck, snarling at him, "You've just been drafted. Into a war." That's Frank Miller at his worst. Which is it: macho bullshit? Or a satire of macho bullshit? Doesn't matter; either way, it's crap.

It actually makes me angry that people are going to love this comic, regardless of its quality, or lack thereof, just because it's Frank Miller doing Batman*. Doesn't matter what the hell he does. He can do whatever he wants, and everyone's going to eat it up. Even the editors, apparently. I wish comic books still had editors who knew how to edit.

Even I feel the compulsion to buy the next issue, after all that I've just said. That's how strong the pull of this project is. (Kind of like how I went to the theater for Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, despite The Phantom Menace being one of the worst movies I've ever seen.) I guess we'll have to wait and see if I can resist it or not.

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*Let me be more specific here: it's not that I begrudge anyone their enjoyment of this comic on whatever level it is that they enjoy it, it's just that in comparison, by not agreeing, I'm setting myself to be portrayed as a crank and a jerk who's missing the "irony", and that bugs me.