MOVIES: Blade: Trinity
Let's get this out of the way: I liked Blade: Trinity. I loved the first two movies in the series, and I thought this third one was plenty fine for a rental. I love Parker Posey a truly unhealthy amount; I think Patton Oswalt is fucking awesome (even though he has, like, three lines in this thing); I think Ryan Reynolds is tremendously entertaining (yes, I even liked him in Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place).
However. I would like now to list some incredibly stupid things about it (as redundant as it may be to point out particular stupid moments in an over-the-top action film about vampires, adapted from a cheesy comic book, starring Jessica Biel).
- #1: The main bad guy is -- forgive me, I can't put this any more delicately -- a pussy. A total great big puss. The movie tells you that he's the original vampire (Dracula himself -- although they refer to him for most of the film as "Drake". They want to have it both ways -- "We're plundering Stoker's creation, but we're changing some details because we're totally original!" Which is incredibly stupid in and of itself. But let's not get sidetracked here), that he's the baddest, most awesomest vampire who ever vampired. And yet, the first time he meets Blade: he runs away. He runs like Jenny was yelling "Run, Dracula, run!" He hardly even fights first; he just grabs one of Blade's sidekicks and uses him as a human shield for a minute -- which is a major league pussy move -- and then he jumps out a window and runs like his tailfeathers were on fire. How the hell can you accept the alleged ultimate adversary of the film as a legitimate threat when in his very first confrontation with Blade, he makes like Brave Sir Robin: "When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled."
- #2: Drake is a shape-changer; as Patton Oswalt explains, he "probably has thousands of tiny bones in his body, sort of like a snake". (Whatever.) When Blade meets him in the scene described above, Drake first appears in the form of Dr. Vance, a human who works for the vampires, whom Blade has come to kill. This is kind of expanding on the whole "pussy" theme, but why even bother taking the form of someone else when A) Blade wants to kill that someone else, and B) you're just going to run away anyway? Why not just run before Blade even gets there? Because the script requires he issue some empty threats first? Stupid.
- #3: Later, Drake goes to the hideout of the "Nightstalkers" (Blade's lame-ass support team, which pretty much exists only to get killed in a scene just like this one) in disguise as Whistler, Blade's mentor (played by Kris Kristofferson), who was blown up, sir! earlier in the film. The thing is, Whistler has cascading locks of grey hair and a flowing grey beard, while Drake is clean-shaven with close-cropped hair. And the "thousands of tiny bones" Drake has can change the color and length of his hair -- how, again? Dude, if it's magic, just fucking say it's magic. Don't give us a half-assed scientific rationale for his shape-changing abilities and then contradict it fifteen minutes later.
- #4: Of all the disguises in the world to take, why Whistler?? As Ryan Reynolds says upon seeing him, "You're dead, dude!" How does taking the form of a dead man assist in the stealthy infiltration of your enemy's stronghold? "Hey everybody, watch out for that vampire who can change shape. Oh, look, here's a guy who died a week ago. Let him in, there's nothing suspicious about that." In fact, why take a disguise at all? Drake kills everyone there (everyone he wants to kill, anyway) in about ten seconds. If he went in without a disguise, was he worried it would take him fifteen seconds?
And yet, I would recommend this film as a worthwhile action/horror rental. Just be prepared to take it with a grain of stupid.